Trying to work things out with the wife...

So it's been a couple weeks since I told my wife all about my crush on my coworker, my feelings about men, etc.

After a lot of talking and tears, we have ended up much closer, she keeps seducing me, and to be honest, I've gotten more action in the last 2 weeks than in the last 5 years, and it's been REALLY good, so I guess 'bisexual' really does work better for me than 'gay', if I must stick some stupid label on myself.

We still have a long ways to go if we're going to salvage our marriage - I'm still desirous of a more open relationship, and she is not, but we've both rediscovered our love and desire for each other, and I'm less set on separating now.  We'll have to play it by ear, I guess....

:)

you're both just human.  your talking to her and the fact that you'd thought it through so much, I'm sure, opened her eyes to the reality of your life together

maybe it wasn't what she really wanted either

who knows what tomorrow will bring - who knows what the two of you will choose for your lives - but at least now you're not feeling so isolated and miserable and lacking intimacy.  

life is messy. you're doing your best. you're being honest.  i am glad for you. 

my boyfriend and i have been together for two years, and when he told me he was bisexual and had been with another guy before i was a little taken aback. i am bisexual myself, and though i understand it is different for men in our society to be bisexual, i completely understood and it made us closer as well. he does prefer women over men though, which comforts me, and when we're intimate i definitely know FOR SURE that he's all about me. good luck to you!

Original Post by hayleabrianne:

my boyfriend and i have been together for two years, and when he told me he was bisexual and had been with another guy before i was a little taken aback. i am bisexual myself, and though i understand it is different for men in our society to be bisexual, i completely understood and it made us closer as well. he does prefer women over men though, which comforts me, and when we're intimate i definitely know FOR SURE that he's all about me. good luck to you!

I'm glad for your boyfriend if he's got it figured out.  I have been confused on and off all my adult life and I'm 39.  I like women in a certain way and men in another.  Overall, it would be hard for me to say which I prefer. 

In my case, when I'm intimate with her, I'm all about her and there is still a strong attraction.  But  I can get pretty attracted to men too, and I don't feel bad about that.  TO me it doesn't detract from what I feel for her, but I know she and many others would disagree with exploring that at all...

There is one thing I don't understand that maybe you could help me with.  You are married.  That means you decided that it was ok to be with her for the rest of your life.  Maybe you've made a discovery and found out that you are attracted to men.  Fine.  Maybe you are disappointed that you did not at least try that path out and see where it led, but it's not like heterosexual people don't have to deal with lost love opportunities as well.  I don't think being attracted to more than one gender entitles you to an open relationship any more than being attracted to more than one woman would.  Presumably your wife entered into marriage with you in the understanding that it would be just the two of you as far as sexual intimacy goes.  I have nothing against people with open relationships, but you can't expect her to change her feelings just because you find someone else (man OR woman) attractive.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.  I am happy for you that you were able to put your feelings out in the open and can begin feeling accepted as a whole person, I just think you need to remain conscious of the fact that even if your wife loves you for your new self, it can be extremely hurtful to hear that the person you have dedicated yourself to wants to be intimate with someone else.  She should in no way be faulted for her feelings on that.

happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

keep us posted!

Edited for privacy. 

Original Post by kayola:

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.  I am happy for you that you were able to put your feelings out in the open and can begin feeling accepted as a whole person, I just think you need to remain conscious of the fact that even if your wife loves you for your new self, it can be extremely hurtful to hear that the person you have dedicated yourself to wants to be intimate with someone else.  She should in no way be faulted for her feelings on that.

I don't fault her in the least for feeling the way she does.  Perhaps I'm a villain for wanting something different than I signed up for.  If so, so be it.  Life is short and I want to experience it.  That's not to say that I plan to go out looking for pickups, but if the opportunity to be with someone I really liked happened to present it, I don't want to say no.  There's a good chance that it won't.

I do understand how she feels about it and it's not something I would flaunt in front of her, but To continue letting her think I was going to be completely 100% monogamous would be dishonest.  That doesn't mean I'm any less committed to her.  I fully intend to be there to change her diapers when she's old if need be. 

There are a number of ways we are still incompatible - religion being a major one.  This time of discussion and thinking is also a chance for her to think about whether she would rather stay with me, or find someone in her religion.

We have a good solid foundation of mutual affection and attraction, but not sure if we can overcome the differences on sexuality and religion.  We'll see...

Original Post by healthyiris:

I'm sorry, I don't know you, and only just ran into your situation today.  What I think you need to realize that you have just flipped her life upside down, and she's going to need time, and not just a few weeks or months, it will take years for her to come to grips with this all.  Why do I say this?  Because I have been in a similar situation in my life, and I'm still dealing with he pain.  You have deceived her for the entirety of your marriage.  

That is not exactly the case.  I told her of my history with men and bisexual attraction when we were dating.  She didn't want to talk about it or hear it anymore so we just stopped talking about it for 15 years.  I was put in the position of pretending for her sake.  I don't resent it because she was younger and less able to handle it then and she just put it out of her mind.  Now she is older and has showed considerable maturity in dealing with it.  But yes, I know she needs a lot of time and I am being patient with her swings in mood and attitude.  Overall, things have been good, but there have been moments when she was seething with rage - and I don't blame her for it, she has invested a lot of time in us.

udokier: You know I've been following your life story as you've been posting it, and I've been rooting for both you and your wife (and your children). I think this is a good development...almost too good to be true.

I would be very careful about this whole situation, and be aware that something wrong could be happening while you are distracted. There are many possibilities, and I don't want to be paranoid...

But people don't change over night. This might have snapped her out of her religion induced funk, but I would not be surprised if this is an attempt to get you to stay that will not last.

I hope this is a true change, and that you both CAN be happy together, I really do. I just am afraid that may not be the fairy tale truth.

I can respect that.  The fact that you told her earlier before you were married.  Knowing that info before she married you, she should have at least considered it an option one day.  People can't deny who they are their whole life.  What's the point of living if you aren't living for yourself?  Well, again, I wish you both luck in your decisions.  It's a very hard time for you both, but honesty will get you through it either way.  Just don't settle again, if you really need to be with a man.  Maybe a seperation would work so that you can persu this and if you find that it's worth more than your marriage, then you can proceed down that road.  I'd just hate, for both of your sakes, for this to backfire again down the road if you choose to stay together with you wanting to take advantage of these feelings.  Best of luck!

it kind of bothers me that if he were into other women, everyone would probably say everything opposite. I tend to agree with kayola. I don't know what you should do in this situation, and im glad that you were finally able to realize what you want in life and are honest with your wife, however i just dont see how you liking a guy is any different than any husband who wants to be with other women.

Original Post by ching12:

it kind of bothers me that if he were into other women, everyone would probably say everything opposite. I tend to agree with kayola. I don't know what you should do in this situation, and im glad that you were finally able to realize what you want in life and are honest with your wife, however i just dont see how you liking a guy is any different than any husband who wants to be with other women.

I think you're right that the gender issue is not all that important, although somehow it did make it a bit harder for my wife to digest.

But yes, America is a very puritanical country and open marriages are frowned on, whether straight, bisexual or gay.  I personally think that couples like Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee or Will Smith and Jada Pinkett who have had successful open marriages are great examples that it can work.  God knows there are an awful lot of traditional, totally monogamous marriages that fall apart - it's not as though they have some great track record...

Good luck!  Sex and religion are the stickiest topics.

Original Post by ching12:

it kind of bothers me that if he were into other women, everyone would probably say everything opposite. I tend to agree with kayola. I don't know what you should do in this situation, and im glad that you were finally able to realize what you want in life and are honest with your wife, however i just dont see how you liking a guy is any different than any husband who wants to be with other women.

ching, for a lot of us, we've been watching udokier's story. At first he was extremely confused as to what he wanted; was unsure about how he was to handle things and didn't want to completely ruin his relationship with his wife, because they had been married for years and years and had children together that he loved dearly.

Up until this point, the two of them had been drifting apart and he did what most human beings do when they're losing a connection with someone highly important to them, by seeking out the missing affection and attention he wanted. It wasn't until very recently that he decided to talk to his wife; and it was an even more recent event when he finally spoke to her about his feelings in regards to his relationship.

I would only hope that my husband would be able to come to me and talk to me, if he felt our relationship was failing and he might be happier elsewhere. By handling it the way he did, I think udokier has an amazing strength and wish him luck, no matter what path his relationship with his wife takes. I hope that they can reconcile their differences and continue on to have a happy, healthy relationship--whether that relationship is that of a husband and wife or of two friends. =)

Hey wait, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have an open marriage???

(where can I sign up....)

Original Post by drea99:

Hey wait, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have an open marriage???

(where can I sign up....)

 i read way too many gossip sites to have not heard of this...

I must live under a rock.   I mean I know about udokier's predilections and details of his fantasies but NOT Will Smith's potential availability?  Heck I'd give Jada a twirl too.... jeez. 

Drea meet reality.  Thunk.

Original Post by drea99:

Hey wait, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have an open marriage???

(where can I sign up....)

Just google will smith jada pinkett open marriage.  I think there's been plenty of coverage on it.

http://www.theinsider.com/news_event/1063733_ Will_Smith_Has_Open_Relationship_With_Jada

to the OP:

i think he finally figured it out once he was intimate with another man. that was the only way he felt he could know for sure. when that happened, he discovered, like you, that he felt different types of attraction towards men than with women. he pretty much decided that he is ONLY sexually attracted to men and could never have a relationship with them.

the same goes for me. once i was intimate with another woman, i knew i was bisexual. it's just that i feel like i also could not have a relationship with another woman. there is just something the opposite sex offers to us that we cannot necessarily get from the same sex... at least for some people.

Original Post by hayleabrianne:

to the OP:

i think he finally figured it out once he was intimate with another man. that was the only way he felt he could know for sure. when that happened, he discovered, like you, that he felt different types of attraction towards men than with women. he pretty much decided that he is ONLY sexually attracted to men and could never have a relationship with them.

the same goes for me. once i was intimate with another woman, i knew i was bisexual. it's just that i feel like i also could not have a relationship with another woman. there is just something the opposite sex offers to us that we cannot necessarily get from the same sex... at least for some people.

Hi again haylea,

Thanks for your comment.  I find it pretty interesting.  I'm sexually attracted to men to a degree, but a lot of what I feel is a romantic interest.  That being said, I do have doubts about whether I could ever keep a long-term relationship going with a guy.  But I think that mentioning this might go a long way to maybe helping her understand and accept my desires on this, because I genuinely have no plans to leave her for a man, but don't feel I can be completely satisfied with one person until death.