my unengagment..

So I'm sure that no one is really interested in some random girls end to an engagement but I just felt I needed to get it out and not being ready to announce to everyone in my life I felt this would be a good way to sort of get it off my chest. The relationship has been off and on for the last 4.5 years, with him cheating first then Me out of some sort of revenge. We spent months 'not dating' which meant we hung out together and slept together but he wouldn't kiss me and I couldn't push the relationship topic for fear he would run. Although sadly enough I did not have the self respect then to just walk away.

So we lived together for a year, shared a bed but weren't together. Then he joined the Navy and convinced me he was prince charming and asked me several times to marry him. After the 3rd time I finally said yes.. That being almost 5 months ago..

In that time I have pushed my self harder and worked out more and have really gotten in shape. Over the last 6 months since he left for training I lost 30 pounds and went from a size 10 to a size 2. The point of adding this u ask.. well I started to see myself differently and really really like myself. My best friend has always told me that I am a rockstar and shouldn't settle for someone who didn't deserve me and out of nowhere I realized that she was right.. So why do I feel bad that I decided that I deserve something better for the rest of my life. I broke his heart today but i don't regret my decision. Anyone think that I could be a selfish uncaring person? Or have I just found a little self respect with my new confidence in myself? Has anyone else done anything like this?

I think i feel badly for breaking his heart because he was really trying to be my Mr. Right but I think it was years to late.

Sorry if I have just bored people with my personal life story but just by typing this out I feel a little clearer. If you read this whole thing than thanks for the attention and if you feel I am just a whining please feel free to let me know.

= /

thanks

It's really difficult to say whether you were a self, uncaring person or you find a little self-respect or self-confidence without any idea how your relationship was. How good it was or how bad it was or what type of person he was.

I guess what I'm mostly curious about is when it made sense to give up on the relationship and try again with someone else?

I'm not really considering trying again with someone else anytime soon, that's not really what motivated me to end it. It's when we see each other after a month of being apart and we weren't even excited. Well actually I was but unfortunately his didn't show up till after lunch and until we checked into the hotel.

I realized that I'm not ready to be married, I am only 24 doesn't that seem too young to know what you really want from a life partner? I do know that I never felt like he was in love with me while we were together. I knew he cared but I hardly felt the connection. Shouldn't you feel a deeper connection with someone you intend to marry? That's a great question to all of you who are married, is there really that special connection or is it just all about finding someone who can stand you for long periods of time?

My wife and I do have a special connection. I can't speak for all married couples, but we have one. I won't say anything overly sappy like we complete each other or some such, but she is a good complement, and together we are better than we are apart.

God I couldn't imagine marrying someone just "to find someone who can stand you for a long period of time." That is not what marriage is about....And no I don't think 24 is too young to really know what you want from a life partner, but this is coming from someone who matured really fast and was married by the age of 21 and has been happily on this journey for 3 1/2 years now, and I wake up every day very happy and in love with my husband and I may be odd but I still get butterflies when he has been away all day. I think it's a special connection....To me, it sounds like you made the best decision for you, finding you is what is important, you don't sound like a bad person--if that is what you are wanting to hear...you sound like someone who made a smart decision rather than getting married, being miserable and getting a divorce years later... Good luck on your journey!

I complete hk...

you definitely did the right thing. you cant live life making decisions for yourself based on how its going to make someone else feel. you did the right thing for yourself and you havent felt any regret yet, so don't be hard on yourself that was a really brave to do. :)

Original Post by ignayshus:

I complete hk...

Aww, baby. You said you weren't going to talk about that anymore, what with Natalie cruising these forums occasionally.

It's not like I said you complete me :)

If you have doubts then it's obvious that you made the right decision. It sounded like a deeper reasoning then just "cold feet" but a geniune one. Relationships can come and go and it is hard and hurtful, eventually though both people move on. You were not uncaring you were only stopping something you knew was not working. It's good that you realized this now and not later when after you are married and ended up in a messy divorce. It's probably best to take it slow when getting into another relationship. Good luck.

First off, congratulations on your weight loss! It is an encouragement to me!

I don't know everything about your relationship, but as long as you are sure you ended it because of problems with the relationship, and NOT because you now think you can get someone "better," I'd say it's a good choice for you. Don't be afraid to tell your family, because if it is what is best for you, they will be happy for you. I know 4.5 years with someone is a lot (being with my bf and now fiance for 3 yrs) and it may feel like you are throwing all that time away, but if it saves you from a lifetime of unhappiness, it is all ok.

On the other hand, it sounds like he really tried to be the right person eventually, and possibly make up for the mistakes he made in the past. Relationships aren't always "exciting" and they lose the "newness," but that doesn't mean they are not good anymore. You can't make a relationship feel "new" for 50 years, or even 5! The fact is, it seems he really tried to be your Mr. Right, although a little delayed. If you think he is really sincere about it, and it feels right now, and you think he will continue to be Mr. Right and respect you and cherish you when you are married, I'd say you should try to reconcile things with him. Let him know up front that he's hurt you in the past and that's why you are unsure about starting a future with him.

Good luck! Either way, you should talk to him and let him know why you ended it. Be open about it, but not rude. Think of it as "constructive criticism."

It's definitely not about getting someone 'better'. I just meant someone who will always treat me better that I deserve to be treated like anyone would someone they truly were in love with . I didn't want to lay the whole sob story out but he has almost done everything destructive that may be done to a relationship. He would lie about what he ate for breakfast for no reason just becz he thought I would believe him and used to tell me all the time how I wasn't able to take care of myself when it was him who wasn't able to do that. I know alot of it was him deflecting his own insecurities but that made me so insecure around him. So now when I am not around him I am back to feeling like the girl who could conquer anything and when I with him i just feel... well kinda pathetic to be honest.

I did tell him all the reason and left out blaming him and just told him the things that were about me and why I wasn't ready for marriage. I felt that we have spent so many times talking about all his mistakes that I needed to take responsibility for giving up just when he wanted to start trying again. Has anyone ever had someone not really want you until your ready to leave? He once actually said I was like the puppy that just followed him around and no matter what stuck with him.

I hope that no one thought I am conceited enough actually have lost weight and now I feel like I could attract someone "better". I didnt really mean to sound that way, I sorta just meant that I like myself more and started seeing somethings in a different way. Anyone who has dislike a lot about themselves know that sometimes you accept certain behaviors just because you want to be accepted by that person. No matter what they do. Sounds pathetic but thats how I always felt with him.

You found your self confidence when you lost the weight. Just don't let your self image be tied to your confidence any more. You deserve to be treated as well as you treat others. If you feel better having let go of this man, you did the right thing. Never under estimate the little voice inside.  Even if he tries to guilt trip you, listen to your heart.  He will move on and so should you.   Good luck and best wishes! 

First off, congradulations on the weight loss. but most importantly, congradulations on liking and appreciating yourself more. Love from other people may come and go, but love for yourself is most important. The saying is true that you first must love yourself before you can truly love and be loved, in my opinion.

Thank you, I think now I understand what that really means.

And I don't want to say that myself image alone boosted my liking myself or myself confidence (though it really helped) a lot of it was the accomplishment. I pushed myself with the support of this site and some others but no one made me get in shape. (fyi I also quit smoking this year after almost 10 years, ugh I know I started WAY to young) So I would have to say that my new confidence isn't entirely because I can now wear a bikini but also because of the accomplishment and I think anyone who has done it too knows the feeling. Once you found out how hard you can push yourself you find more respect for yourself for not giving up. At least thats how I feel.

Please always listen to your best friend and always give some kind of consideration to what she says. I wish my best friend would listen to me. Her current b.f just went crazy on her (btw all her b'fs that shes have always had some kind of self esteem mental issue.) Shes still with him because she still wants to be with him and she really talked it out with him. I wish she would find some one who treats her right. She has never thought of having some one greater. Im so happy that you realized how great of a person you are that and saw that there are better things out there for you.  I will give you this though, unless you have a child you should put yourself and your feelings before anyone eles (depending on the situation but in general). Good luck with everything.

Congrats on the weight loss (I want to be a size 2 too!) I have been married for 10 years and STILL feel the sparkle! Saturday, my husband is taking me on a balloon ride to enjoy the fall leaves changing color! He always is considerate and loving (though he does have his moments... like when he doesn't file papers, put clean clothes away, lol) Sometimes I feel like we have been married forever and we are pretty boring but it is also very comforting. If he EVER mistreated me, called me names, or was disrespectful, I would walk out the door and NEVER come back. I would NEVER do that to him and he knows how I feel. I have a couple of girlfriends who are in miserable relationships. Their bfs call them names and don't appreciate them. They sit there and take it "hoping things will get better" or "well, I have been with them 3 years...."

SO--at 24, you have a LOT of years ahead of you. You are just finding out WHO you are! You don't need to be married, you don't need a bf, and too bad if he is finally ready to treat you well and you are gone... that is life! when you are ready to date... date. Enjoy meeting new people. Learn more about yourself. Discover things you enjoy! Travel! Live! When the right person comes along... you will know... hopefully, it will work out! When you REALLY know who you are and what you want in life--THEN you are ready for a relationship. You will keep changing and growing (I am NOT the woman at 47 that I was at 27!) If you REALLY know who you are and what is important you, you will grow together and in the same direction. Good luck!

I went through a similar situation as you. I was dating a guy for a while, got engaged and as we started to make plans for the wedding he became very controlling, even aggressive. Although he never hit me or raised his voice to me, his actions were devious.  I realized that I wasn't truly in love with him and I didn't want to be controlled by him. (for example, I wanted to hyphenate my last name, he wouldn't let me. I wanted to go to college after we got married and he wanted me to be a stay at home mom.) So I broke it off.

A few months later I found out that he married a woman that was 1 inch shorter then I was and about 100 lbs heavier then I was at the time.(at least it looked like it.) Then in to his second year of marriage he started to physically beat her. 

So, what I am trying to say is..... listed to your gut instinct. Your ex was the first to cheat, that proves that he didn't care about you (not thinking of you) You retaliated (means you cheated?) so you really didn't care about him. Not to mention the fact that you guys have been off and on for the last few years which means that the there is no respect for the actual relationship (imagine if you were married, anytime you guys would fight the both of you would leave and not work on it) What you had was only convenience, not a love that would endure the hardships that a marriage would bring.

Great decision, and you probably lost the weight because you were relieved he was gone (while he was training) kind of like a break up in its self.....you end up making your self feel good and want to show your ex what a sexy woman he could have had (but it doesn't matter cause you don't want him anyway!) It doesn't matter what type of guy he is, if you don't feel comfortable don't get married...

I am only speculating, but its what I went through after I broke it off.

By the way, I am 24, been married for 3.5 years (to another guy) and together for 5.5 years

i'm proud of you! it seems like you made the right decision for sure.

Don't fall for the not really wanting you until you're ready to leave.  I spent 4 years with a bf who whenever I was fed up would put just enough effort in to make me stay with him, but things would quickly return to subpar...the potential is not worth anything if it's never realized.

Wow thanks to everyone! I really feel like without knowing all the details of the situation you all seemed to have such great and encouraging things to say. I wrote this not really expecting anyone to actually read it but more as a way to get out what I had just done. I am glad I did now because you have all made me see different angles of the situation and I really feel good about my decision. I didn't regret it before but I felt a little weird about backing out of a promise I had made. 

After hearing your stories about your own marriages I know now that is what I was hoping to feel about my marriage with my ex but I know I would never have had that with him. I don't know if it is weird to put such personal business out here but I am really glad I did because you all gave such good advice and stories and maybe you all are able to be more objective than the people who know us both.

 

Thanks so much!