Unexperienced boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too

My boyfriend and I dated in high school for about two years before we had an awful breakup. We were each others' firsts and obviously learned a lot about relationships through one another. We broke up just before graduating high school and stopped speaking for about a year and a half.

Once I got to college I took advantage of being single and lived a promiscuous life. I slept with three other guys, one of which I had a serious relationship with for a few months.

My boyfriend and I got back together around the middle of our sophomore year and have been smooth sailing since then. We are very in love and believe our relationship is better than it ever was in high school, in fact it feels like a whole separate relationship. 

The problem I'm facing is that while I was hooking up with other guys, my boyfriend only made out with other girls, never had sex with any of them. He wants to commit with me and can see himself in a truly long-term relationship with me (talks about marriage and family) yet keeps bringing up the difficulty he faces in knowing that I've been with other people and he hasn't. He thinks it has more to do with the fact that there's an imbalance, but he has approached the situation like "Oh why don't we break up for a bit and I can see what it's like and then we'll get back together" aka have his cake and eat it too. He never talks about doing any of these things in the near future and claims he's happy with our sex life and that he really doesn't want to be with anyone else.

I do not understand it at all. I do not know how to help him or us. I am trying to not be sensitive and take it personally but I take everything to heart and wonder if this is just part of a much bigger issue.

Are any of you still in a relationship with the person you lost your virginity to? Do you both have the same amount of partners? Any insight/personal experiences may help me grasp my situation.

I lost my virginity to my husband (before we were married). He has been with 3 other women other than me. Doesn't bother me at all, I'm with HIM, not them.

I feel your boyfriend is just jealous. What he should be feeling is that you have been his one and only and my god, that's really sweet. There is no need to compete or sleep with others. Sex is sex... why would he wanna sleep with a someone else when he has you (his first!)

You were broken up at the time. It's not as though you cheated on him. Maybe he's one of those guys who has hangups over whether or not the girl has more experience than him? If he feels a need to experience other partners that may be his choice in life (as it was his choice presumably to make out with girls but not sleep with them), well that may be what he needs to do, but it's a little crazy to expect you to sit around and wait for him and then just get back together once he feels you're "even" enough.

I mean, I understand there are all types of relationships and I have no problem with casual encounters, polyamory, monogamy, what have you. But this doesn't even sound like "open relationship" territory, it sounds like he's keeping some kind of score in his mind, and he wants you at his beck and call for once he decides it's been settled.

i can totally relate...except i'd be the boyfriend in your situation. my boyfriend actually cheated on me...not exactly the same..and we got back together. every day thereafter I wanted to be with someone else because he was my first and I loved him so so so so much but I couldn't sit with the imbalance. I never slept with anyone else because deep down my heart belonged to him. i just still didn't like the fact that he shared what we had with someone else so i wanted to do it too...it had nothing to do with my feelings about us or about him but just the whole idea...it's the principle i guess. I personally never acted on it because i'd feel to guilty and my heart was with him and not anyone else. we're broken up now but for a different reason. we still talk and will likely get back together just not right now. trust me...you'd rather be with him after giving him that opportunity, if he's a good guy he won't have his cake and eat it too...he'll just realize that all he wants is you and he won't act on the freedom. if he does then he's not the right guy, so let him venture out...it will prove a lot and make your relationship stronger if it really is meant to be!! i hope this helps!! =)

I was in a similar position my senior year of college.  My boyfriend was the only guy I'd ever been with, and while I was his first he had other intimate relations with many other girls... (I hope I'm making that clear without being too vulgar)... In the end, it was me who ended things because I was 20 years old and felt like I hadn't experienced anything.

Don't stress it too much... if he's really that hung up on it - then it's not meant to work out anyway... You're young - enjoy the time you have together whether it's another month or another 50 years.

Eh, look at the bright side.  There's a possibility no other woman would sleep with him anyway.

;D

I lost my virginity to my husband (before we were married) and he has slept with about 10 other people. It doesnt bother that he slept with those people at all, it was before me.

It does however bother me that I have nothing to compare him to, I will never know anything else. Not a big deal and I would NEVER cheat on him ...but it does bother me.

This happened on Friends.

We were on a BREAK!!!!

it sounds to me like the issue he is having isn't with the fact that you were with other guys, it's more that he WASN'T with other girls. like, he is feeling like he missed out on an experience that you got to have.

you guys are pretty young, and while i don't think it would be fair to you to give him permission to go out and be with other girls, i worry that in the future he is going to feel resentful and like he missed out... 

all you can really do is talk to him, and try not to take it personally, because i really don't think it is about you at all. he just needs to let you know NOW if he thinks he can be happy spending his life with you never having been with anyone else. you don't want to put years into this relationship, get to that comfortable, not as exciting point of any long relationship and have him decide that he needs to go see what else is out there.

jules is right.  and unfortunately, the chance that he's going to magically stop wanting to be with other girls is probably slim.

i dunno.  if he thinks the two of you can break up so that he can screw around and then when he'd done you'll be waiting in the wings to take him back...well, no guarantees, right?

i wish i could say that i think he'll grow out of it.  i mean, he probably will grow out of it, but for some men it takes decades.  seriously.  i'm not even kidding.

Just tell him that if he wants to experience banging around that it is his choice and you wont hold it against him (if you wont) if he wants to break up and exercise it.

Also remind him that you will not be waiting at home pining away for him and that there is no guarantee that you would absolutely get back together. All you can promise about your relationship is what you feel right now about your relationship as is.

sure, ig.  but kimbahleeee also needs to ask herself how she might feel if they stay together and, five or ten years from now, he's still talking about all the girls he didn't bang (if he didn't). 

Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

This happened on Friends.

We were on a BREAK!!!!

 

 ^5! :D

I'm still in a relationship with the girl I lost my virginity to. Like you, she'd had 2-3 boyfriends throughout college before I met her. When I did, I realized that she was the one and that we were meant for each other. Today we're married and she is pregnant with our daugther.

I have to say that I did regret not having more experience before meeting her and to this day I still wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with somebody else.

Still, I have no intention of ever cheating on my wife because I love her too much and I know that what we have is 100x better than any one-night or sexual fling I could ever experience.

Your boyfriend probably regrets not having your experience but he'll probably never cheat on you. Most likely, he regrets not being with you during those college years and is a bit frustrated that you've been with other guys. Make him forget about that by simply being the best girlfriend he could ever wish to have.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

sure, ig.  but kimbahleeee also needs to ask herself how she might feel if they stay together and, five or ten years from now, he's still talking about all the girls he didn't bang (if he didn't). 

Personally she shouldn't stay with him.

It's an issue for him, it will ALWAYS be an issue for him, he will ALWAYS wonder what if?...

They're what 21? There's years before either should even consider permanently settling down with anyone.

If I were the op I'd cut him loose, tell him to go experience whatever part of his life he feels is missing and remain friends with him.  Keep in touch, but not too in-touch, and revisit the relationship in a year or two.

I don't say this often, but I agree with ignayshus.

He is not going to get over this feeling of "missing out" if he never sleeps with anyone else - hell, even if he does sleep with someone else, he might still feel that way whenever he finally decides to settle down and be monogamous.

I'm guessing it actually has nothing to do with you having had more lovers, he just says that as a way to "justify" him wanting to have more lovers. Even if you had not been with anyone else, I'm sure he would still feel the same now - the "missing out" feeling.

Cut him loose for a year or two, but let him know that you won't be waiting around at home either. Play him this song.

Original Post by ignayshus:

Original Post by pgeorgian:

sure, ig.  but kimbahleeee also needs to ask herself how she might feel if they stay together and, five or ten years from now, he's still talking about all the girls he didn't bang (if he didn't). 

Personally she shouldn't stay with him.

It's an issue for him, it will ALWAYS be an issue for him, he will ALWAYS wonder what if?...

They're what 21? There's years before either should even consider permanently settling down with anyone.

If I were the op I'd cut him loose, tell him to go experience whatever part of his life he feels is missing and remain friends with him.  Keep in touch, but not too in-touch, and revisit the relationship in a year or two.

i'm pretty sure that's what i said; i just said it in a way that allowed her to figure it out for herself.

My boyfriend was a virgin when we started dating. I was not, not by a long shot. It makes him  uncomfortable, but I could never imagine him wanting to do something with other women. Just because I've been with other men doesn't mean that we need to "even the score".

A relationship isn't about tit-for-tat, keeping things even. Its about sacrificing for the other person, and commiting to them. "Going on a break" is the dumbest thing I've ever heard, I hate it when guys (or girls) say that. I told my boyfriend if he ever says that, to just break up with me for real don't leave me  hanging like that its not fair. Going on a break just means wanting permission to cheat. And if you're going to be with other people, what's the point in commiting to each other? Tell your boyfriend he either wants you or he doesn't. He doesn't get to mess around on you. And if he's simply feeling uncomfortable because you're more experienced, he needs to be open about that. My boyfriend and I have discussed this at length. Its a difficult conversation, often ending with me feeling like a skank and him feeling like a jerk. But its important. We've come to be more comfortable about it now, because I told him he's the only man in my life, I don't want anything to do with anyone else, and besides, he gets to benefit from all my experience!

Why is it that men seem to make it their mission in life to bang as many chicks as possible? Can't they just repress their animal instincts (like humans do with EVERY OTHER ASPECT OF LIFE!!!! it's what separates us from the animal kingdom and makes us an advanced society!!!!) for the good of everyone else?

I probably couldn't handle it.

I'm not a relationship type of person, but just to know that my girlfriend f-ed three guys (probably frat guys) before she decided to get back with me would make me very angry, and I would feel vindictive.

Maybe it's not rational, but the thought would brother me constantly and I would try to find some way to relieve that feeling by any means possible, even if it meant "settling the score" or discarding the girl altogether. 

However, getting laid for a guy isn't that easy, so he might be trying to "settle the score" for some years to come. LOL

I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend, and hell, my first kiss. He has been with one other girl.

Sometimes I am jealous that he has been with other girls, and that he doesn't feel the same pain (meaning I haven't been with anyone else). But then I realized that all people come with baggage you have to deal with--with some it's past relationships, good/bad past experiences, family problems, etc.

Try to remember, too, all of the people who divorce and remarry. Men marry women who have had CHILDREN with other men. Although I'm sure it hurts sometimes, those couples accept the past of their SO in order to have a happy relationship with that current person. Hope that helps and made some sense.. :)

Wow, I was reading this post and thinking to myself that I am old as dirt!  My husband and I have been married for 15 years.  We were both a little older when we married and both had had previous relationships. 

I think that when you mature as a human being you come to understand that the past is the past.  As much as you would like, there is no way to go back and change it.

Whatever happened before you met isn't really relevant to your current relationship.  I think that if your boyfriend is hung up on the number of sexual partners you have had in the past, it is a really good indicator that he is not ready for a serious relationship yet. 

I agree with previous posters to part ways for a bit so that you both have an opportunity to experience different relationships (this doesn't necessarily mean sexual relationships).  If it is meant to be, it will be.