Unfaithful.

Hi everyone. So this is kind of nothing to do with weight loss, weight gain, or anything like that. I just needed to get this all out somewhere away from my familiar environment, and hear what people had to say. PLEASE, save any nasty comments. I am just looking for a different perspective.

First of all, I am in college in new york, and my boyfriend is in college in boston. So we are long distance.

So my boyfriend and I were dating for over a year, and then in the beginning of this semester, I made the biggest mistake of my life and cheated on him. I was very drunk and ended up sleeping with someone else, but it meant absolutely nothing. Then the next morning I immediately called my boyfriend to tell him what had happened. I did not even think once about whether I should or shouldn't tell him.. I HAD to tell him. So of course long story short, our relationship has been rocky ever since then. I am extremely in love with him, and though there is no justification for what happened, I made a mistake and vowed never to hurt him like that again.

I decided I would not drink unless my boyfriend and I were together, except I did drink when I went out. It is not like I can't have a good time without drinking, but when you are out with people in new york city it just becomes kind of inevitable. I know I should have more discipline and I am working on it. (Also, please note that I DO NOT binge drink, I just drink socially but sometimes too much so that I made that mistake).

My boyfriend took me back after what I did, but he was very busy with job searching so he did not have much time to think about what I had done. But when he got an offer, he had more time to think and told me he realized how much I had hurt and broken him, and that he needed to be away from me for a while, aka break up. I was devastated. This happened last thursday. So we have now not been together for about 2 days, and I have been so depressed.

I have had to take my mind off of it by going out with friends because if i stay in my room alone I drive myself crazy and don't stop crying. But most of my friends are family friends, and happen to be guys.

So yesterday I went out, and ended up sleeping over at one of my family friends' apartments. We made out, but did NOTHING else. But I am so freaking miserable. How did I do that? Why? I'm wondering if it is a subconsious need for affection, or my way of channeling out the hurt and pain. I know my boyfriend and I can possibly work things out in the future because he said hee is willing to give me a chance later, so I never want to be with anyone else. I will NEVER cheat on him again, but even just waking up this morning I was so pissed at myself for doing that. And I was the one to ask my boyfriend if he could stay exclusive to me during this "Break up". He said no. He said that wouldnt make it an official break up. So I guess I can't be angry if he ends up messing around with another girl. Maybe I just needed to get all the evil out of my system? I am kind of hoping yet also dreading that he might go do something with someone else. It would help him hopefully realize how much "us" means to him, or he will realize he is happier without me.

I have decided to NEVER touch a drop of alcohol if I am not with my boyfriend. That way, I will nEVER end up in this kind of situation again.

Don't misundeerstand me though, my boyfriend is the love of my life and I want to marry him. BUt I know I have a lot of growing up to do.

Im sorry if this was too long, I just needed to get it out. i'M a mess, I just want him to take me back.

I think you've basically blown it....  He took you back once - which was incredibly generous -  had chance to reconsider and has now decided that you're not what he wants.  I've been in the same position and once the gloss has gone off someone it's gone... and you get annoyed just looking at them.   He can't trust you.  "Willing to take a chance later"... is like when the theatrical agent says "don't call us, we'll call you."  I think you need to accept that this is over and that you're not going to be marrying him.   He's moved on and so must you.  It's sad that it's over something as trivial as a thoughtless roll in the hay but that's the way love goes.

Tip for the future.... never, ever tell a boyfriend (or partner or husband) if you cheat on them.  There are some things that you really don't share.... when you're doing a 'lot of growing up', add that one to the list.

Good luck

Original Post by gi-jane:

Tip for the future.... never, ever tell a boyfriend (or partner or husband) if you cheat on them.  There are some things that you really don't share.... when you're doing a 'lot of growing up', add that one to the list.

 I don't agree with that statement. I think withholding information like that from your partner is extremely inconsiderate and wrong. I think owning up to your actions and seeing what happens from there makes you a much bigger person, and will relieve you of extreme guilt.

Now if you don't feel guilty about cheating on your partner and not telling them, you're heartless. I'd trade places with you any day.

As far as this particular situation goes. I know if I was in his situation, I wouldn't take you back. Honestly, if I was him I wouldn't have taken you back the first time either.

Don't get me wrong, we're only human, and we're bound to make mistakes. This was your second chance though, and I don't know your boyfriend, but for most people when you mess up the second time, that's it.

I'm sure everything will work itself out though.

As the saying goes "Shame on you if you fool me once." "Shame on me if you fool me twice."

This is probably how he is feeling.  I do think it was noble that you were honest with him and fessed up that shows some good characteristics in a relationship. However, people usually cheat when there was something wrong in the relationship. I think you need to sit down and analyze as to what that problem was in the first place to make you stray and I don't think you can blame everything on being "drunk." Maybe it was the distance that was killing you and maybe right there is a sign that you need to find someone more local. You need to give it time though.

I can understand how your ex is feeling though being cheated on is very hurtful when you put trust on to someone. I also know long distance relationships rarely ever work for that need to be in someones arms. Break ups are always heartbreaking, but give it time and hopefully you have learned from your mistakes and you both can successfully move on.

Sometimes our greatest pains become our biggest strengths. Best of luck to both of you.

I agree with GI Jane, I would never tell a boyfriend that I cheated on him.  Never.  I realize that the guilt would be difficult to live with, but no good could ever come from telling him the truth. 

I know that many of you will not agree with that statement, so I would like to follow it up by saying that I would not be in a committed relationship if I were interested in sleeping with someone else. 

You and your boyfriend should have agreed to keep your options open during your long-distance relationship.  This would have relieved you of feeling guilty for being with someone else.

Also, you are quite young to be in an exclusive relationship with no expectation of ever dating anyone else.  My theory is that if it was meant to be, it will be.  No amount of groveling can change your ex-boyfriends mind.  You simply have to suck it up, admit you made a mistake, apologise for hurting him and let that be the end of it.  If he loves you, he will come back.  If he doesn't, well then I suggest you stop beating yourself up and chalk this up to one of life's difficult lessons.

If...IF he does by some miracle give you a third chance, I would suggest having a serious conversation about this with him.  My b/f is in the navy and I told him that if/when he were to ever go to sea for an extended amount of time, that it would be ok for him to sleep with someone else if he found it necessary.  I would not want to know about it. 

 Although I don't think it's good to with hold info from your partner, there are some things that I don't think you should tell.. Ask yourself, if he were to cheat on you, would you want to know? Would you give him a second/third chance to prove his faithfulness to you?

Ask yourself, and be brutally honest with yourself, why did you cheat on him in the first place? Drinking could have just made you less inhibited, but is that really why you slept with someone else? 

Good luck.

It's okay to feel this way right now - no matter who did what, when, broken hearts are broken hearts. I used to be with a guy who I thought I couldn't live without. I also cheated on him when I was drinking with friends - I felt like I just couldn't control myself when drunk. You did the right thing - you were honest with him and let him make his own decision. Whatever happens is meant to be - whether together or not. Have faith - if he's not the one, the right one will be put in your life when you are ready. And stop beating yourself up! ; ) You are a human being and we make mistakes - mistakes are lessons, and it sounds like you have learned a lot. Thank goodness they aren't all as painful as what you're going through. You aren't a bad person. 

Take a break from this worry - spend some time hanging out with some girlfriends, or make some - sounds like your family friend took advantage of your vunerability. Girlfriends hug you when you're sad, make you laugh when you're grumpy, and protect you when you're out there at the bar. Hang in there!

This is not at all judging. Actually, by the end of this post you'll probably be judging me, and I deserve it.

I've had three long-term boyfriends and have cheated on all three. Looking back, I think it was some sort of compulsion, the need to be needed, etc. I never actually slept with someone else, but that hardly eases the burden. I understand that you can cheat and feel awful and want to be forgiven. You deserve that much. It was kind of rotten for him to blame you after he took you back.

It was right for you to tell him. That took a lot of guts. I always confessed when I messed up. And because I was actually forgiven the last time (over a year ago) it made me realize that I really don't need anyone else.

It wasn't the smartest thing to make out with someone else, but I understand. Downward spirals suck. If you want him back (which is what I got out of this post), then let him know your desicion about alcohol. Compromise. Make rules and STICK TO THEM. Most of all, if his forgiveness made you realize that you dont want anyone else, let him know. If he loves you, he'll take you back.

I hope this helps.

i am engaged and i have cheated on my fiance on three different occasions. i would even consider it kind of as a relationship behind his back, because i was in serious lust with the guy i slept with (to make matters worse, he is one of my managers, and also 10 years older than me), and i even wanted to be with him instead of my fiance. i seriously considered leaving my fiance for him, but when i discovered (what a shock) that i was really in love with my fiance and in lust with him, i decided against it.

i have never and will never tell my fiance about my infidelity. don't get me wrong, i do feel guilty about what i've done, but i consider it a mistake (unfortunately made 3 times) and i have learned from it tenfold. i am only 20 years old, and i think part of the reason i did it was because i was afraid of being so committed to my fiance at such a young age. i am in no way trying to justify what i have done, but i'm just saying, there ARE some things that are better left unsaid, in my opinion.

bottom line, if my fiance cheated on me, i would NOT want to know about it. what i don't know won't hurt me. unfortunately though, the downside is that it would if i found out later.

my probably not-so-helpful advice to you is just to keep your distance from your boyfriend for sometime. don't call him or text him, or e-mail him or anything. i'm sure he misses you and you don't know what he's thinking right now... it could be a thousand different things. getting over the one you love SUCKS, but it makes you stronger in the end. i've had to do it before and i am living proof of that.

Original Post by hayleabrianne:

bottom line, if my fiance cheated on me, i would NOT want to know about it. what i don't know won't hurt me.

 Wow, I'm surprised so many people would not want to know. If my boyfriend was cheating on me, I would definitely want to know. I think not telling me would be extremely disrespectful.

Oh my god...I can't believe people here wouldn't tell/wouldn't want to know...I would HAVE to know.  And it would probably be over, but that's what happens when there's infidelity.  I'm married, and it's definitely different if you're not married, forgiveness is possible then, but after the ring is on the finger, if he cheats on me, he had better tell me, I'd NEED to know and it'd probably be over. 

It's EXTREMELY disrespectful and pathetic for a person to cheat on their sig. other/spouse and then NOT tell them.  That's just a fact.  If you have cheated on someone and haven't told them, then your life with them is a LIE.  it's just pathetic.  It's making a joke out of your loved one or ones (family members...kids, etc).

If you're in a mutually committed relationship and you're cheating you have some problems with that relationship.  You may also have problems with alcohol if you only cheat or make out with someone when you're drinking.  Until your issues get resolved, the behaviors will continue.

Original Post by mdillman3:

 

It's EXTREMELY disrespectful and pathetic for a person to cheat on their sig. other/spouse and then NOT tell them.  That's just a fact.  If you have cheated on someone and haven't told them, then your life with them is a LIE.  it's just pathetic.  It's making a joke out of your loved one or ones (family members...kids, etc).

 

i know this was not aimed directly at me, but i think my life with my fiance is very far from a lie. i'm also not making a joke out of him. i love him dearly and with all my heart, and i made a mistake. the important thing is that you realize what you did was wrong, learn from the mistake, and never make it again. i don't think that it is a fact that it is extremely disrespectful and pathetic not to tell him. it's a choice. it is up to the unfaithful person to decide if it is right or wrong, no one else.

no, the message i wrote wasn't directed at you...i'm sorry if you thought it was.  It is kind of in general to anyone who thinks it's ok not to tell their significant other about something like that.  And it shouldn't be up to the unfaithful one to decide whether or not to tell the other person, it should be told...it's something that really really matters to the other person and what would you do if your fiance found out from someone else?  What would happen if you told him?  Shouldn't he be the one to decide whether or not he can trust you again?  Yes you realize it was wrong, but you now have to hide something like that from him...it's like you're not who he thinks he knows.  I'm sorry, I don't want to get in a debate with you, I just completely disagree with cheating and even if you realize it was wrong, it's still something the other person has the right to know..that's just what i believe.  To each their own.  Good luck with your relationship.

thanks for everything guys. Trust me, I could NEVer keep this stuff from him. I told him EVERYTHING the minute it happened. that doesnt make any of it right though. I am a terrible person for what I did. I admit it and take full responsibility. I am prepared to face his decision head on, If/when he makes one. But I am absolutely sure that I love him still. The reasons I did what I did have nothing to do with my love for him, they might have something to do with my committment issues, but of course if that is the case I should NOT have channeled it that way, I should have addressed them directly.

I appreciate everyones comments, espeically those of you who are blunt about it because I know how awful I was to be able to do something like that to someone who has been nothing but loyal to me.

I may not deserve much, but I at least will know that I was his first love, even though I broke his heart :(

I can just pray and hope that he will take me back, so that I can show him i will NEVER hurt him again. ever.

I think part of the problem is the distance. I am by no means a person to be giving advice on this but you probably feel the need to be close to a person and havent felt that in a long time. I know for me, a long distance relationship would NEVER work! I need my bf to be here, i need to see him, touch him, etc. I just wont feel like im in a relationship if my bf is far away, and therefor would def. cheat. I don't know if it's good or not that you told him, he can be over there in Boston cheating and maybe never told you, or the opposite, who knows. I personally wouldn't tell my bf if i cheated on him, even tho i never have but if he ever cheated on me i would want to know. It would hurt a lot but i just want to know, cause thats how i am. But i dont think i would ever tell. Anyhow i really think you should not try getting back with him right now, leave him alone for a bit and see if he calls you. Just live your life and meet new ppl, you might learn something about yourself, and about being single for a while, it might help. Maybe you need ot get everything out of your system before you settle down.

thank you so much, fairydust. distance is definitely part of it. but i should not have cheated as my way of dealing with that. i just ended up hurting the person i love the most. its only been two days but i have given him space, and we havent spoken since friday.. its been the longest two days of my life. i sent him one email today just with "i miss you" in the subject line. i am such a loser.. because what i did was awful but i just cant live without him. but i will give him time and space because that can help us in the future hopefully. thank you though it really help

Boston and NYC aren't that far by train. 

i know... its not bad and we have made it work.. not using that as the main reason or anything. the only ting i can say is that it was my fault...

Hon, I'm sorry you're sad because you want your boyfriend back. I think almost everyone has or will experience heartache and I'm sure we'll all agree that it sucks.

Now. Some tough love. 

You've told us what you did, how you feel, and what you want.  

But, what about what's best for him?

Do you think that it would be good for HIM to take you back?

If you were to look at it from another perspective. If your best friend told you that her boyfriend cheated on her and she's having trouble dealing with it...would you advise her to take him back?  

Would you say, "Ah, he said he's a terrible person and it meant nothing and he's so sorry and he won't do it again even though he doesn't know why he did it in the first place...take him back. Come one. It isn't like he kept it from you. It's really the best thing for him. He's so sad and needs you to make him feel better. I know, his decisions broke the relationship and he crushed you, but put your heart back out there and wait to see if he'll do it again. He sent you an email that he misses you!"

I really hope that's not how you would advise a friend that is going through what your ex is going through. The best way to redeem yourself with this is to accept that your choices had a consequence, and accept the consequence. No drama, no prolonging. Learn the lesson and move forward.

Wow. I'm pretty shocked at how many people wouldn't say anything.

I agree with the earlier posts saying that it sounds like it's over. If there's a 3rd chance take it but hoping and waiting is only going to hurt you further. You've made a mistake, move on. Don't consider the making out a bad thing, it was a way of rebounding and easing your pain. Forgive yourself your mistakes, learn from them and continue on with life.

My thoughts on the whole thing is that once a cheater, always a cheater. If someone cheats on me it is a sign of disrespect in my eyes and the end of the relationship. It may be a mistake to you but it's devastation to me and I won't have it in my life any longer than I have to.

The point is well made in "it is up to the unfaithful person to decide whether it is right or wrong". It's up to your own person value system. My value system doesn't allow it but clearly other peoples' do.