Unhelpful comments

Just wanted to share this with you, because in a way it made me rather angry, although I didn't show it.

I was talking on the phone to my friend last night, and she was asking me how I was getting on with my recovery and weight gain.  I actually saw this friend about a month ago for the first time in a year, and she told me then she was worried about how thin I was.

Anyway, on the phone I was telling her how hard it is when you have an ED to actually get enthusiastic about food and enjoy it.  I tried to explain how little appetite I have and how I literally have to force myself to eat at times.

She made a comment along the lines of "I'm so jealous of you because you can eat what you want without worrying - I wish I could feed myself up like you can, and get away with it".

Now for me, this comment has completely the wrong effect in that it has the potential to put me off completely and make me restrict even more.

I don't blame my friend for what she said because she has always loved her food and has never had any problems.  And I'm sure she didn't mean it to sound in any way patronising.

It's just that I'm over-sensitive when someone says something that makes my ED come back up to the fore.

Thanks for reading - I needed to get that off my chest!

Hun, I get this all the time, too. I totally understand how it makes you feel. I'm usually the same way and excuse the comments because I figure the people saying them don't have a clear view of what it feels like to be in our situations. However, don't let her lack of understanding deter you from your path! This website is always wonderful and refreshing to fall back on when the people in our immediate lives aren't too understanding of what we're going through.

In my case, I get the "I'd MUCH rather be in your shoes and be able to eat without gaining a pound!" constantly, even when taking into account how underweight I am. It's much more "acceptable" and desirable to be underweight in our culture, so instead of being motivated to eat more and overcome our issues, we're congratulated for being unhealthy by some. This is a highly insensitive, highly dangerous outlook.

The worst comment i have ever got was „What if you get fat?” at a bmi of 14, in the beginning of recovery!!!! Oh God...

Yes, people make insensitive and annoying comments. I also agree that our culture is pretty screwed up about what weight and eating behaviour is acceptable and desirable... Hence people's inappropriate comments.

Just remember though that nobody is perfect and it's pretty damn hard to understand the ED mentality if you haven't been through it. And let's face it ladies, the ED mentality is far more screwed up... none of us are exactly innocent when it comes to thoughts we've had about our bodies and weights and the crazy ideas we've come up with!

i ve had loads odf comments such as

people asking me how to starve themselfs, people saying i wish i could give you a few pound of my weight , i wish i was as thin as you .

its all lack of understanding my guess is your friend dosent realise the seriousness of this illness . dont take it to heart perhaps talk to her explain how you feel h x

Thank you everyone for (1) reading my original rant, and (2) responding so understandingly (is that a real word???)

I didn't think about the cultural issues about thinness vs the larger woman, but it's true isn't it?  It seems that being thin is more acceptable.

But there's thin and there's too thin - and we all on here know that the latter is something that we all battle with.

My friend is one of those people who doesn't mince her words, and has always been rather out-spoken.  I guess I shall just brush her comments off and carry on!

Thanks again people.

This is coming from someone that needs to lose weight

The only reason ppl say stuff like that is because they love food and would love any kind of disease that would require them to eat more of it lol They really are jealous, as weird as that may seem. People that need to avoid their favorite foods to lose weight just see the fact that you actually HAVE to eat and gain weight and completely ignore the rest of the problems ppl with ED face.   Just be patient, many people never look at the other side of things.

I wish you all the best of luck in gaining weight!!! You are all beautiful people!!!! =) =) =)

I guess I can speak for both sides of the fence.  When I was growing up, I had an ED and was extremely underweight and over active.  Looking at me at the time, you wouldn't have guess it, because I have a large frame (even at 85lbs I had a 38" ribcage... thank you mother.... lol)..When I started seeking help and wanting to get better, my physician told me to stop participating in gym class because he was afraid of me passing out during it.  I told my instructor this, and she replied with, "well, and ED should be easy to get over!"..  I was FLOOOOORED by this comment, seeing red, vein's popping, you name it!  People are exactly right when they say that unless you've been there, you have no idea.

Many years later, college, bad relationships, whatever the excuse may be... (I like the 2 children 13 months apart excuse)... I'm now overweight (ugh)... recently got a gym membership and starting to get on track.

That being said, I was having a conversation similar to the above posts with the girl at the gym processing my membership (who looked unhealthily thin)... she gets told ALL the time at how "lucky" she is.. but in reality, she can't gain weight!  She tries to tell people that "[she] could die any day with how unhealthy [she] is".. because there isn't enough fat around her organs!  People don't think about these things!

I understand what it's like to remind yourself to eat.  I never used to feel "hungry", my brain would just say, "oh.. my stomach hurts"... and leave it at that.  What worked for me was the 5 small meals a day.  Whether it was an apple here, a salad there.. that sort of thing.

I do wish you all the luck in the world! I know you can do it :P

Also, I couldn't agree with Amanada's comment more ;)  You are all beautiful, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise ^.^)b keep it up!

I (a weight loser on here) agree with Amamda too. A lot of people hear that you have to eat more and ignore the rest of what you are dealing with, so it is a warped jealousy more so than a meanness I am sure. I used to not realy get it either, but now, I am happy that I am healthy and doing the best to get to my own goal. Best wishes with recovery, and prayers that you stay on track.

I think its ridiculous also, very annoying.

The point of the matter is, people recovering from an eating disorder may still look very underweight (depending on the stage of recovery) yet are still gaining on their eating plan etc. The main point is, saying "I’m jealous because you eat so much and are still thin" is wrong in itself - recovering anorexics are gaining at least 1lb per week if not 2lbs. So they are effectively moving away from the life controlling thinness.

It just makes you subconsciously think that its okay to be that size, but what people don’t realise is that its not okay and by eating a higher intake of calories, the anorexic is aiming to get back to normality. When they are at a normal weight they will obviously not eat the same calorie intake as they will gain weight like everyone else (for you cant live on a weight gaining intake forever).

Just forgive them...and follow this as a guide:

1.  Do not bring up the situation to yourself.

2.  Do not bring up the situation to the offender.

3.  Treat the offender as if it never happened.

4.  Do not talk about the situation to others.

I know its hard but its the best way to just let it go.

Dave

I used to be on your groups side of the weight fence.  I did not have an eating disorder, but as a child had (still have) hyperthyroidism.  (When it was under control after the birth of my son I was trying to loose the baby weight)  It went undiagnosed until i was 27, and could eat anything and not gain weight.  While an ED wasn't my culprit i can tell you i know exactly how you feel with the hurtful comments.  Even now when my hyperthyroid is out of control and i suddenly w/o trying loose 3 lbs despite eating more calories in one day than i used to eat in two, it hurts to hear somebody say "gee I wish I could eat anything I want and still loose weight". 

As a child I was often referred to as Ethiopian girl (no offense meant to anybody it's just what i was called), told "turn sideways, woa where'd you go!", boney, anorexic, & bulimic.  I even had a school counselor trying to force me to admit i had an ED and go so far as to call my mom to leave work come into school to make me tell mom i had an ED.  Even though my mother had 3 inch binder after 3 inch binder of dr. visits, mental evaluations, tests and reports from day centers that monitor your food consumption, and daily routine to state there is NO ED present, there was an undiagnosable at the time medical reason to my low weight and inability to gain.

All I can suggest is the comeback I started giving, now that I know my culprit.  The last time somebody said something it was a co-worker of mine who she herself has been trying to loose.  I replied, sure you can have my thyroid, along with the horrible side effects, not just the good, and i'll take all your overweight and happliy loose it the way you have to.  People who haven't ever had to deal with trying to gain feel it's so easy to be able to eat and eat and never gain, or to have any disorder where you have a hard time gaining weight.  They just don't understand, are jealous and don't see all the negative side effects to any cause of trouble in gaining wt.

I totally understand. about 6 months and 20 pounds lighter ago I visited my 7 year old cousin for the first time in forever, she noticed my sudden weight loss and told me she was jealous of me and wanted to be as thin as me. :( I tried to explain to her on a level she can comprehend that she should just enjoy her young healthy self and be happy with who she was...sigh. it just breaks my heart to see young girls want to be like this.

Original Post by amandabarkley12:

The only reason ppl say stuff like that is because they love food and would love any kind of disease that would require them to eat more of it lol

That's a big misconception. People with eating disorders usually like food as much as the next person. They might have become afraid of it, but that doesn't stop them liking the taste of food. Most people with eating disorders think about food a lot and many obsess over it... not eating doesn't mean someone doesn't love food or isn't thinking about it.

Original Post by merylwhite1:

That's a big misconception. People with eating disorders usually like food as much as the next person. They might have become afraid of it, but that doesn't stop them liking the taste of food. Most people with eating disorders think about food a lot and many obsess over it... not eating doesn't mean someone doesn't love food or isn't thinking about it.

Meryl, you are so right.

I enjoy the taste of food (OK, not all foods, but then we all have different palates), but often the actual thought and act of eating fills me with utter dread - even if it is something I enjoy.

Sometimes I realise that all I've thought about for the last hour or so is my next meal and how I'm going to cope with having to eat it - obsession creeping in there, I think.

I would like to thank everyone here for their comments and input - it really goes to show just how many of us have similar problems regarding weight gain and how much support we can give each other.

yep, I used to get comments all the time, and one very recent one was "your sister is so much skinner than you but eats so much more" - oh why thank you, that's because she's twelve and I'm turning sixteen in a couple of months. Only until recently I weighed what I used to weigh when I was 12, but it was not pretty.
And now that I'm 'weight restored', and my bmi is around 20, I still get people telling me to eat more because I'm so skinny. Have they not noticed how much weight I've gained this year? And I always get pressured into eating 'junk food': "here, try some of this cake" - "no thanks, I'm pretty full after lunch" - "oh just eat some cake, its really nice.. blah blah.."
Hehe sorry about the rant, I sounded a bit rude didn't I? but I don't blame these people, I just need to forget about such comments.

Oh and on the topic of people with eds liking/loving food; I am definitely one of those people. If my mind is not occupied with something else, I'm thinking about food. Planning, adding, subtracting, and worrying about my next meal. I think since I began recovery, this obsession has only increased.

i agree , i love food prior to my eating disorder id eat anything , to the point where if we were going out to dinner id get excited :). when i was first ill and in denial i used to say im not hungry i dont like eating but this was just so people would leave me alone. i think peoples understanding of the illness is alot better . when i was first ill 14 years ago the treatment was alot different there was no specialised units. it was just hospital and being fed up . thank god times ohave changed sorry to divert  bit

Original Post by amandabarkley12:

The only reason ppl say stuff like that is because they love food and would love any kind of disease that would require them to eat more of it lol

I don't feel this was ment as a comment that people with an ED don't like food.  I think it was ment as a comment that they like food as much as you do, and feel that despite the fact that you love food too, you can "get away" with eating more of it.  Not knowing WHY you are eating more of it.

Aw hun I totally know that feeling. People who have no ED experience just dont understand how the phrasing of their thoughts can totally affect the effect they have on us.

I remember after one relapse when I got back on gaining, I had mentioned to one friend/coworker that I needed to gain about 20 lbs (at that point...also I brought up ED to only a handful of people in my life). She said something along the lines of "I think that's too much - that would just make you fat".

I think it's also hard for otehr people to imagine what 20 or however many pounds would look on someone with a BMI of 16. They think of gaining that much weight on their already larger frame (in my friend's case), they flip.

Oh, and another one that bugs me - "Just go eat a cheeseburger!" - AS IF IT'S THAT EASY!!! *eyeroll

Original Post by izzyy23:

Oh, and another one that bugs me - "Just go eat a cheeseburger!" - AS IF IT'S THAT EASY!!! *eyeroll

Oh yes I can totally relate to that!!!  I wish it were as easy as just doing it, but when you have a food phobia and are in the depths of recovery, it doesn't take much - just one flippant comment - to send you spiralling back down to square one.

Gosh, I'm so glad people have responded to this post so much.  I was worried that I might have seemed to have been too intollerant of what my friend said. original post.

Original Post by waycat:

Original Post by izzyy23:

Oh, and another one that bugs me - "Just go eat a cheeseburger!" - AS IF IT'S THAT EASY!!! *eyeroll

Oh yes I can totally relate to that!!!  I wish it were as easy as just doing it, but when you have a food phobia and are in the depths of recovery, it doesn't take much - just one flippant comment - to send you spiralling back down to square one.

Gosh, I'm so glad people have responded to this post so much.  I was worried that I might have seemed to have been too intollerant of what my friend said. original post.

 i was in the supermarket the otherday looking at the fruit and this lady came past and said you dont need that lovie you need a big cream cake everybody heard i felt so small