Two years ago I was having trouble swallowing so I went to my local physician and one of the first things they do is weigh you and check your blood pressure. Well when I saw my weight at 210 lbs I said I need to do something about it. So I made a decision to get healthy and change my life I discussed my goal with my wife and explained it would be a permanent change for my life and not a diet. As I started to workout and lose weight my wife was supportive till I got to under 180 lbs then she became irritable. Infact the more I loss the more angry and distant she became with me. We just passed our 30 yr marriage mark and for over a year now I have been the same weight (140 lbs)...all of my doctors have given me clean bills of health and think I am in excellent health and shape. However, my wife and I dont agree...my wife thinks I am too skinny and thinks I am not the same person (well I am not by looks) and thus she no longer knows or loves me. Her response is I look sick/bones and she wants a man with meat on his body. We have been seeing a marriage counselor but the bottomline is my wife has said if I dont go back to 180 lbs its basicly over. Any suggestions?
Reason: Moved to more appropriate forum
I hope that with the help of your conselor you can figure things out.
how tall are you, dave?
Question: What the hell did the counselor say?????
I beleive marriage is often about a compromise. How would she feel if you put on healthy weight, like muscle? Is that something you're willing to do for her. She may just be dealing with her own insecureties, thinking you'll want to get a hotter new wife. Since we don't know her side of the story we can only offer you advice. Try doing more for her to reassure her that you aren't going out lookin for someone else. Write her a lil love note just reminding her that you love her now more than ever. If it is an insecurity issue hopefully this will help.
My parents have been married for 30 years as well and I'd hate to them thro wit all away for something so minute.
Dave,
1. Congrats on the life change. That's wonderful
2. I realize I don't know you or your wife, but I think couples counseling is always a good idea.
3. Being a woman, I also suggest tenderness and understanding. Even if you don't exactly feel that way. She may not understand her own feelings and until she can sort that out, she just may need a little blind support and loyalty from you. Unfair I know. But really affective.
Congrats again. Keep up the good work!
I feel very sorry for you but you have a perfect BMI level with a score of 22. Your wife is indirectly saying: Dave go back to an overweight BMI level of 28 (180 lbs with a height of 5'7") or the marriage is over.... If your health is not important to her, ask yourself if you should stay married.
Man, I loose weight for my wife AND myself so I can have a long happy life with her.
I am sure there are other underlying causes for your marriage problems...
Just my personal opinion Dave. I am sure some people will think differently.
If you and your wife want to come together, I guess you can only bulk up with muscle to 180 lbs and the 2 of you are happy....
OMG. I would be so upset with myself if my boyfriend lost a ton of weight and looked hot. I would feel like a failure, like I wasn't worth him any more. Like at any minute he would leave me for someone more attractive. I wouldn't even feel like trying because, as a woman, I will naturally have a harder time loosing weight. And I've tried before and knew I couldn't succeed.
Does that mean you should go back to being unhealthy? No!!! But she must feel completely beside herself and awful about herself because of it and she's expressing it by saying she doesn't love you anymore when really she doesn't love herself any more.
There is really nothing you can do in this situation. She has to figure out for herself how to love herself. As long as you don't give up, she will hopefully come around, punch down her pride, and join the bandwagon.
It's really a delicate situation because I'm sure she would like to join you on your health kick, but is rebeling against it because she didn't think you could do it, because she "knows" she can't.
I feel like I totally know where your wife is coming from (although, of course, I don't!) because I am soooo stubborn and in a way going through a similiar thing. My boyfriend and I both gained a ton of weight, and we're honest about it and talk about it with each other, but we've kind of silently agreed to let me start lossing weight first so it will be like it was my idea (though he was always more vocal in pointing it out) and I can get a head start. Because I would just be so in the dumps about myself if he started first, I don't think I ever could.
Another consideration: We think now of being fat as looking more healthy. Neither my boyfriend or I are fat by current visual standards even with our excess twenty pounds. However, by health standards, we're both at the top ranges for our heights and we feel uncomfortable with it. Maybe she honestly doesn't see your current weight as healthy. Just look at this article on the BBC:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6040156.s tm
At first I looked at these men and didn't think them obese. But as one commenter said, they do look heavy! They're just wearing clothes which make them look less so and our idea of heavy is off!
I hope this maybe offered you some insight... Otherwise, there's nothing you can do until you're wife loves herself, is my ultimate input. Many women spend their entire lives hating themselves and defending themselves from the world. It sounds like she's trapped in this awful cycle. =(
Congrats on the accomplishments Dave. It sounds like you've worked very hard to get where you are.
Change is hard for most people, especially stubborn ones. Like the couselor said, she could possibly come around. I doubt you need a divorce over this (I think that's pretty extreme) but maybe a temporary separation to continue sorting things out. Keep working thru it- I'm sure you've dealt with your share of hard times in the last 30 years of being married. And if this is a deal breaker for her, then she's obviously changed who she is too.
Communication is a two way street. It sounds like she is being quite selfish- a "my way or the highway" kind of attitude. I know you are taking her feelings into consideration (from the flowers, dinners, etc) but I don't think she's considering your feelings at all. Whenever someone is unhappy, it's because things aren't going their way.
It sounds like you might be a little indimidated by her strong will and could be holding back your true feelings. (I am strong willed and my husband does this all the time- never actually telling me what's on his mind for fear of my retaliation and anger) But I think that at this point, it's important that you are very honest and open (at counseling and at home), regardless of what she wants to hear. She needs the honest truth from you.
Remember, you've made your choices and now it's her turn. Thoughts & prayers with your situation.
Well I think seeing a counselor is a good thing.
It sounds to me like she is thinking of what's best for her, not what you want.
"I don't want a man who is..." "I'm leaving if you don't..."
She should have learned after 30 years to be kind and supportive and when she doesn't feel like what you're doing is the best, then she should talk about it in a positive way.
On the other hand, you must listen to what she is saying as well because it is likely she is concerned about you and doesn't know another way to express herself.
I don't know how tall you are, but yes 140 is pretty darn thin for a 5'10" man. My hubby is 150 and he's still a twig! I would get a doctor's opinion about your weight.
doggies4life - I am 5' 6.5" (rounded up to 5'7") and I just had a complete physical to include blood work etc. I weigh at any given time 140 to 144 lbs.
Dave, I have to say first congrats on being married for 30 years--my husband I got married at around the same age, and we hope (and plan!) to be married for as long as the two of you have. =)
I've also noticed you're about the same height as my husband, not to mention that your highest weight is only 15lbs off from my husband's last recorded weight. Last Evan weighed himself he was 194lbs, which the Marine Corps obviously believes to be too heavy for his height. It's hard, because he does have a very muscular body, and has as much difficulty as I do losing weight (if not more difficulty). The lowest I had ever seen him at was 185, and that was him coming out of bootcamp. If you and he are built anything alike, I can see where your wife may be coming from.
If my husband got below 170, I would probably be uncomfortable with his weight, because to me it would appear way too thin and sickly on him. He has a very wide-frame for as short as he is, and at 185 he looked absolutely perfect to me, even though he was still 10-15lbs heavier than the Marine Corps wanted him to be. At the same time, though, if your doctors say you are healthy, she just is going to have to suck it up and be happy with the fact that you are happy with your body. It's hard, because depending on how you're built, you could look really, really healthy, or you could actually look sickly. Your wife may also be threatened with your weight loss, because if she has been unable to lose weight successfully in the past, she may see it as unfair that you had it so "easy."
However, when my husband gets home from Iraq he'll be joining me in my weight loss, and he has been very supportive of me so far. I wonder if he'll continue to be as supportive once I get below the weight I was at in high school, when we first met? I know I would be supportive of him, and would help him decide when it might be a good time for him to stop, in regards to his body-type, but we'll have to see what happens. Perhaps he'll look better at 150 than I think he will; right now, all I can imagine is seeing him lose some of his muscle mass and him appearing boney, which doesn't seem healthy to me at all.
Good for you guys for going to therapy, it takes an extremly strong person to admit that they can get help.
Your wife is feeling insecure about herself and I'm sure very vulnerable. The way that she is coping with it is probably with hostility - I used to be the same way. When my husband, then fiance, first started losing weight a year ago, I was FUMING and extremly jealous; but I not only joined, but surpassed him in the amount of weight lost. She'll come around, please be patient and understanding with her because it doesnt' seem like she realizes why she feels this way and that is the through "good times AND bad" part of marriage vows right there. She needs you.
I also agree with the "to each his own" and I didn't mean to imply that you were looking down on your wife. You seem to be in a very good place mentally about the whole thing.
And look, I've never been married, so my three year relationship and wish to be married is all I know of what that life entails.
I just also know how easy it is to get caught up in self-hate as a woman and see no way out of it. And unfortunately if that's how she feels, there's nothing you can do about it. (You seem very proactive about solving problems, which maybe this bothers you because it's a problem you can't solve by yourself?) You said: "it takes the desire to change and the first step to step back and say I want to do something about it....TODAY" and that's true. You have to have that desire, someone else can't spark the desire to change in you, especially if you feel threatened by it. (Especially if you are stubborn and want to rebel against your fear!)
It just seems to me that you are doing all that you can do. The ball is in her court on this one.
Hi Dave, First off congrats on being married for 30 years second congrats on the weight loss.
As good as you feel about yourself at the moment, and you should, from what I have read here you pretty much have knocked the bricks out of your wife's foundation. You do not look like the same person she has been with all these years, you don't go out with her and do the things you used to do i.e. McDonald's, you now counsel other people about health and weight loss and that is less time with her vegging like you used to. You surround yourself either in person or on-line with people she feels she cannot compete with because she quit losing weight. None of these things in bad but it sounds like it may be confusing for your wife to figure out where she fits in now.
Give her some time but don't give her too much time alone or you could easily find yourself that way until the next woman comes along and that would not make you or your wife happy from the sounds of it. Think of it in terms of yourself, when you feel out of control it makes you miserable, she feels out of control not only of you and your eating (which she probably controlled most of the past 30 years) but also of her own life, I would feel like I never knew what might happen next and just like making jokes about ourselves before somebody else has the chance to, cutting you loose before you cut her loose could be her way of coping with the fear your life changed without her.
Best of luck and stay healthy mentally as well as physically.
Where is the Recipe Analyzer located?
The Recipe Analyzer is under the Foods tab. Use these steps to analyze a recipe: Find a recipe to analyze; note the number of servings... Read more