unsure

I'm sure you all have heard this before, but I'm just unsure if I want a child.  It's been on my mind because I just got married, I'm off birth control and we have had a few close ones.  The birth control methods I've used before got me a bit crazy, so I just gave up as I feel 90% better when I dont take any of them.

But you would think since I dont want children that I would find some sort of birth control that would work??? What we have done has worked so far, but its far from perfect. At this moment I am paranoid that I might be pregnant, hence this post. I'm waiting until tomorrow morning to take test (they say morning is the best time??). It's almost like I'm daring fate to give me a child, as I know left to my own will I probably wouldn't purposely get pregnant.

However with that said, we are very much in love and have been together for a long time. So we have the practical relationship stuff down. I know we would make good parents. I know for sure that I would probably spoil the child to death.  We've talked about it before after our last time of wondering if I'm pregnant. And I'm not getting any younger.

But I always thought that if I really wanted to have kids that I would adopt. Although I understand that is not easy.  There are just so many kids out there who don't have anyone. And I know there are many people out there who want kids but can't have them. So I feel confused that I don't want kids, especially since that's what 'nature' wants us to do.

Anyway I'm just a bundle of mixed up feelings. And as usual I'm probably just paranoid because I did just have a full period. However, my breasts were unusually sore and they seem to be bigger. Could be just a hormone thing but it just sounds fishy-different than what I normally go through. If I'm not pregnant I guess I better start exploring more bc options so I don't put myself through this.

Just really needed to share before I know for sure.

EDIT: and unlike some of our friends neither of our parents are even slightly pushing for us to have kids. altho i know my mother would love it if i did, but she understands that i don't. & i might feel less trepidation if i lived by family but im a whole ocean away. even some of our friends who have kids are a ocean away.

i also ask myself if im more just scared to have kids rather than actually not wanting kids....

Hey, I know where your coming from sorta... My husband and I have 3 kids..and they are wonderful, i had a molar pregnancy about a year ago, and before that I wanted more kids, but after that trauma I have totally decided against anymore kids...

With that said, I will tell you I am not some religious freak just someone that got pregnant 12 days before I ovulated (only time we were together the whole month)

But I truly believe, if you are meant to have children you will, with or without birth control, If you are meant to have a child you will be that 1 % fail rate.....

So if your not sure, just lay out the pros and cons and your lifestyle.. My kids are my life, I wouldn't trade them for the world. To me nothing is better than hearing my 6 year old boy tell me I am the "Best mom ever" everynight at bed time.

I sort of know your conflict on the adoption department. The conclusion I eventually came to was this earth is too freaking overpopulated. Therefore, we will only replace ourselves. I don't think there is anything wrong with having children of your own, that's what humanity is supposed to do. But seeing the way things are going, maybe you're feeling guilty and that's why you're feeling like you don't want kids of your own but don't mind adopting.

I personally am only going to have, at the most, two kids. (Though I reserve judgement because the first pregnancy might suck so bad I only want one!!) That way, I haven't added to the population in any way. If I want more, I'll adopt. That way, kids who don't have parents can have some. I actually really like big families and both my fiance and I are caring, loving people with philanthropic motives and I don't see why we shouldn't adopt. But I'm also crazy curious to see what our combined genetics create!!

And I think everyone is scared the whole way through having kids. I've always wanted to have them by the time I was 30, but now that I'm 22, to hear my fiance reiterated that to me, I was terrified. I'm going to have kids within 8 years?! That seems just wayyyy too short, lol. I suppose that's not really helpful, but I think you'll be okay. I think you're feeling something natural that most people feel.

But I am curious... can't you just use condoms?

I've always said that I don't want kids, ever. I was a horrible babysitter as a teen, and have never liked being around children. My husband is of the same mindset, so no problems there. He actually had a vasectomy before we were married, as I had assured him that I didn't want children and was having major problems with my bc and am allergic to latex.

That being said, a year later and I'm starting to think about kids names. Me! What happened?! Whenever we see our nephew (my husband's side) I'm happy to play with him, but am rather at a loss as to diaper changes, etc. Still feeling really uncomfortable being around children makes me think we made the right decision, but there are doubts.

I guess I'm in the same boat as you, except I can't get pregnant due to the vasectomy.

First-- I am NOT giving this advice because I am a "pro-life religious freak"...

Have you tried Natural Family Planning? It is NOT the "rythem method". You take your temperature, check your cervex location every morning (yup, put your middle finger in), and check your vaginal mucus. I used to do it when I peed first thing in the morning. The BEST part was that after a few months, (when you can tell the difference between "hi and low", "opened and closed", "soft and hard") I stopped taking my temperature and knew when to expect my flo. AND I KNEW I was pregnant BOTH times within 3 days of conception!!!! No over the counter test, no waiting, no nothing. I NEVER had a "false" positive. It was FREE, no side effects, no allergic reaction, no long lasting effects, etc. Fertility doctors use it to help get women pregnant!

My daughter likes a new thing called a "ring". Inserted by her doctor, it lasts about 5 years.

and to jkc715nyc--vasectomies are reversible!!!

I know that vasectomies are reversible. My husband's decision to have one isn't.

carolann, thanks for that advice, but just dont trust myself. i will imagine things some times about my body.

tincognito, we do use condoms to, um... finish off. i actually found a new spermicide that comes with an applicator. unfortunately its not available in ireland just in the states. i guess i could have my mother ship some over, lol.

dispatchn, that sounds wonderful about what your son says to you. but im so sensitive that if my child did not think that about me, it would kill me. there's just so much too worry about

my test was negative. i just dont think we are ready yet. when i mentioned that i took a test the initial look on his face before i told him it was negative was very.. ah eloquent to say the least. and my relief seems to be helping to shake me out of the apathy i've been feeling about day to day living that i've been feeling after my wonderful & joyous wedding & honeymoon. i think being a free spirit w/ my husband for a whole month has made having to work seem such a drag. and the fact that we dont have any money for anything, paying off our loan.

anyway sorry for being a drag thanks for all your comments.

If you know you don't want kids, DEFINITELY you need to be on birth control, very very aware of your cycle, or open to the idea of a surprise pregnancy.  I kid you not, my boyfriend of 8 years and I had a conversation one day where we decided we were never going to have kids.  We like disposable income, we like to travel, we like to only have responsibilities for ourselves.  Not one week later, I was pregnant.  And I was also just like you, thinking that the birth control methods we were using seemed reliable. (a combination of the natural planning - my periods were so regular you could have set your watch to them, and the "it's never happened before, how could it happen now?!" approach)

We're happy now and I never for a moment thought about not keeping the baby, but it was a surprise and we're still dealing with the idea and what comes with it. 

yeah thats it im not sure if i definitely dont want any. and no i know my current bc methods were iffy, which is why im adding another method, however messy.

so what kind of steps does one go thru when a surprise pregnancy happens? of course if we ever have a kid there will be no looking back & ill of course try to be the greatest mother. i know it would be all or nothing, but i at least want a dog first. not fair if i have a kid without having a dog!

Try using an I.U.D. (do they even make those anymore?) or one of the "T" shaped devices that sits in your fallopian tubes & uterus.  That way you don't suffer from any hormone related changes like with the pill or have to wear a condom (which could take away the intimacy).  Hope that helps!

P.S.  I don;t know if they do this one anymore either but DO NOT use Deprevera (sp?)!!!  I know at least 2 - 3 people who got pregnant after having that!