Should I give up? I need some advice on this!!!!

Okay, so I met the love of my life a little over four years ago. We've had our ups and downs just like any relationship. When I think about him I smile. I love him with all of my heart. He is an amazing person....most of the time! He treats, or used to treat me like a princess. Lately though it seems that he hates me. He works all the time, when I call him, which is usually only once a day, that is if I call, he sounds aggravated and mad. When he gets home he is not happy to see me. When we go to bed he doesn't want to make love. He recently bought some land, is getting ready for planting season (he is a farmer), and has some court issues hanging over his head. I don't understand though what I've done for him to change the way he treats me and acts towards me. I thought that it was because the BC I was taking....which did make me extremely depressed and moody......he even told me that I wasn't the same and that he wasn't attracted to me because of the way i was.....so I stopped taking it. I feel much better now, however, I still feel like he is keeping his distance and pushing away from me. I don't want to push the issue but he said that the reason he bought me a ring was because he felt like he was going to lose me, now he wishes he never did. I told him to take it back that I didn't want it if he didn't really want me to have. I'm so confused, lonely, and feeling like total ****. There are a thousand things running through my head....Is he cheating? Does he not love me anymore? Is he in-love with someone else? What is wrong with me?

Someone please help me......I feel like I'm going crazy here with worry and don't have anyone to turn too!

Just from what you've said, my impression was that

1) the "way you were" on BC freaked him out and now he's rethinking spending the rest of his life with you after he saw the "bad" side. He may just not be ready to be married, and experience the entire "for better or for worse."

2) he's just under a lot of stress and since he feels secure with you, he's neglecting your relationship.

I wouldn't immediately jump to what you may have done. Odds are it's not you at all. If it continues, and if he won't give you a clear signal, then you could either seek counseling (maybe for both, or maybe for just you if he won't go) or cut your losses, which it doesn't sound like you want to do.

Good luck. In the meantime Try not to worry (I know) cos if it is just stress then you fussing over him is only going to stress him out more.

But maybe a guy could provide better insight?

Guy here: There's not enough information here to give us an insight into anything.

If you can't get the answers to these questions from him, then you have a significant communication problem.  If you have asked him and he blows you off with a "I'm okay; I'm just tired" or something like that (which would probably be typical), you're going to need to press him a little.  But, if you can't even bring yourself up to ask him what's going on, then that's...big.

I think these are questions you need to ask him. Sounds like a phase you should be able to work through if you love each other so much, though. Just ask him straight up about what's on his mind and why things have changed. I think it's an issue you do need to push. 

In the meantime, worry less about him and more about yourself. Do things that make you happy, keep eating healthy and working out and feel good about yourself! Good luck.

Sarabeth, There is nothing wrong with you. I repeat, there is nothing wrong with you. I am married 28 years, had a 2 long term relationships before meeting my husband. One was similar to what you describe. I put up with being humiliated in so many different ways and made excuse after excuse for him. I too questioned what it was that I did to damage the relationship. The truth was that it wasn't me, it was him.

If he can treat SO badly before you're married, just think of the difficulty you are going to have when you add kids, money issues, in-laws, car problems etc. Love, at the stage you are in, should not be this complicated and if you are not being treated well now, you will not be in the future.  As you are together longer it should get EASIER not harder. Let him have his ring and a lot of space. You deserve to be cherished and there is someone out there who will be more than willing. If your best friend or your sister were in the same spot, what would you advise? This guy did you a favor. He showed you how you will never allow yourself to be treated again. I didn't date for 2 years after my bad boy. The next guy I dated turned into my 28 year true love. Boy, am I glad I didn't settle. Our lives has had ups and downs. Money problems, a special needs child, the passing of a parent. We held each other up during those trying times. He treats me better today than when we were first dating. You should expect no less. Good luck and God Bless.

janie

Another guy here...

 He is the love of your life. That love doesn't change. Don't let circumstance cause you to doubt what you knew 48 months ago. Reassessment is often necessary, but don't let doubt erode what was so strong. 

He's under a lot of stress and he saw something in you during the BC period that cuased him to distance himself. That period is over. Don't dwell on it.  You've done your part. He may still have a few kinks to iron out, but that's his. You keep moving toward the vision you have.  Pressing in when he's pulling away rarely ever creates the connectivity you are so in need of...patience does, understanding does, enjoying him for him will, supporting him and adoring him just because you do will. It's unfortunate, but relationships are usually 350% give from both 100% of the time.

Focusing on what attracted you to him in the beginning will crowd out worry. Worry is embedded with fear that confuses and conflicts. Crowding out worry allows for effective assessments of your concerns. Get out. Go do something for you.  Developing your interests and letting him have his emotional tantrum will give him the space he needs to vent (what ever that may be) and fill your time with value in place of destructive worry. Let him have his time. Pursue yourself right now.

What do you have to loose? Be confident that whatever he is going through is his to go through. Let him. Is he cheating on you? (god, I'll catch allot of hell for this, but it's come through years and years of heartache and many generations of successful partnerships before me that I've failed to emulate)...that question is irrelevant to your love for him. It is, however, relevant to his love for you. He has to work this out. Recognize that it has everything to do with him and absolutely nothing to do with you. Don't punish him for that.

You will destroy yourself if you focus on questions like, "what's wrong with me?" or "Am I not enough?" or "what can I do to keep him?" His decision to stay is his decision. Your obligation and responsibility in this relationship is to enjoy yourself and do right by yourself.

I'm sorry this is so long and redundant. If your worst imaginable is true, and your love trumps whatever that may be...let it go. Stick with your decision to love. Please, let it be. I'm not saying to go naive and doe-eyed...it's just not your weight to bear, it's his.

 Accept yourself as good enough (because you already know you are and some part of you protests every time you question your worth, right?). If your circumstances don't improve, then you have to bear the consequence of your love and decide whether you stay or go...but don't, don't worry! fill your time with value. Make yourself better. Let him find his way.