Update - for anyone who might be interested...

Okay, first off I don't come to CC that much anymore because I'm pretty happy with my weight and have maintained for a while now.

My crush on the guy at work became such a huge distraction that I finally decided to email him and let him know how I feel about him. Unfortunately, despite his paying constant attention to me, he's straight with a girlfriend. So after 6 months of (I thought) really connecting with this man, I was crushed and cried my eyes out (about the guy and about my situation in general) every day for about 2 weeks. He was really nice and understanding, but I still have to get texts from this guy everyday and he acts like nothing has happened, so It's kind of painful.

But in the wake of all of this, I finally did decide to start making some changes - I've started going out with friends every week. I'm introverted and so is the wife, so it's easy for us to become shutins. The wife is content to be that way, but I'm sick of it.

I also asked another co-worker (this one is gay) for a lunch date when he gets here next month. I like him and hope we hit it off. (since this seems to be confusing a lot of people here, I mean "get along", not "rush off and have sex" He doesn't even live here in town right now. Any potential real involvements would have to be a ways off. I just want to strike up a friendship with another gay man who might understand me better than my other friends here.  I have *NO* other gay friends in this whole town, and I'm sure as hell not going to start going to gay bars to try and meet some.)

I'm mostly over the crush now and am preparing over the next couple months before I sit down with the wife and tell her I want to separate. Sexuality issues aside, I don't enjoy her company much anymore and basically am always happier away from her.

I've also confided in several trusted friends, so I have people I can talk with about this and get advice.

um....... why are you waiting a couple months to tell your wife? It would be a total of waste of your time..and HERS. I would try and finish one relationship before searching for another.

You sound calm and fairly comfortable with where you're going.  Glad things are looking like they will come together.  Such the way with crushes, no matter on who or between who, so often they disappoint..

Friends are good, it's nice to go out with friends.  That's what finally helped me understand that there was more to life than the man I was married to :)  Now happily out of that relationship for 3.5 years.   Good luck going forward.

I'm glad things are working out for the best.  I hope you find complete happiness with yourself soon and can share that happiness with someone special. :D

I know it's probably really awkward around your co-worker, but he sounds like he responded really nicely.

I'm glad you are getting to where you want to be..However, I hate to say this, but I find it a bit selfish that you have not told your wife ANYTHING about this ordeal and you're already trying to hook up with someone while still married leaving your wife oblivious. It's already going to be a lot for her to accept when you tell her about your true feelings let alone having her also know you then were cheating on her while still with her. It's really not fair for her..It's not fair for you to stay in this relationship if your heart is not into it, but it's not fair for your wife to leave her in the back corner like this as well.

I wish you BOTH happiness...but I think your wife deserves more respect then this.

Original Post by carolinamoon7:

um....... why are you waiting a couple months to tell your wife? It would be a total of waste of your time..and HERS. I would try and finish one relationship before searching for another.

I'm not planning on starting anything serious right now.  There are still visa issues to be settled, and I want to be financially ready to move out immediately.

Original Post by silentdeadlyrose:

I'm glad you are getting to where you want to be..However, I hate to say this, but I find it a bit selfish that you have not told your wife ANYTHING about this ordeal and you're already trying to hook up with someone while still married leaving your wife oblivious. It's already going to be a lot for her to accept when you tell her about your true feelings let alone having her also know you then were cheating on her while still with her. It's really not fair for her..It's not fair for you to stay in this relationship if your heart is not into it, but it's not fair for your wife to leave her in the back corner like this as well.

I wish you BOTH happiness...but I think your wife deserves more respect then this.

Well, I have completely carried her for all of these years and stayed with her long since I started feeling miserable. We've had hardly any intimacy for years and she seems fine with the present loveless arrangement, something which I have come to resent. She can also be extremely hysterical when upset, so if I tell her now, I'll be forced to stay in a house for months with a womoan who will probably hate me, so no, I fail to see how that would be good for her or the kids. THere is no relationship between us at this point except that we live together and raise kids together.

*EDIT: I should mention that it's not a case of my never having told her.  I told her when we were dating, and after a while she basically said she didn't want to think about it, know about it or discuss it, so I haven't.

So in other words, You would rather leave her hysterically upset while alone in a house with your children just as long as you have your a** out of there and don't have to deal with it, right?

Original Post by silentdeadlyrose:

So in other words, You would rather leave her hysterically upset while alone in a house with your children just as long as you have your a** out of there and don't have to deal with it, right?

I'll be living very close by and be there every day to help out as much as I can, but I really don't think I should be sleeping there afterwards, no.

Also, if she wants to move into the new apartment and leave me with the kids, that would be fine too.

Wow.......

sounds pretty messed up for everyone involved. I hope your wife is not left in the cold with no way to support herself and the kids.

Original Post by kindal:

Wow.......

sounds pretty messed up for everyone involved. I hope your wife is not left in the cold with no way to support herself and the kids.

I can live very frugally.  I don't think her standard of living will be impacted in anyway.  I do hope she can eventually be more independent, but I don't plan to give her any less financial or logistical support than I do now.  If she remarries, then the arrangement would change, but until then, I can cover things.

WTF?

Wow, completely narcissistic. Seriously.

You have come to terms with/discovered your sexuality.  And that is great.  But you are trying to date men while you are still married to your wife who is apparently in the dark in regards to your sexuality and the mother of your children- all because you don't want to have to deal with her reaction while having to stay in the same house/ plus you apparently are not a Japan native and have to work out your visa once you are divorced.

Does the f'd upness of this situation register at all?

At this point you are using her for legal status and a babysitter/housekeeper?  And you resent her for being fine in a loveless marriage all these years- even though it sounds like you are no longer interested (and most likely never were) in women? I'm sorry to be harsh- but if you are in your late 30's- you are old enough to be a man and stop lying to her and accept the fact that she is not going to be happy about it.  Who knows, she may even be a little relieved that your lack of interest in her is not because she is awful but because she is not the gender you are attracted to.

Jesus.  If Udo were female we'd all be patting his back and offering hugs.  What's wrong with getting all your shiz-nit together before dropping The D-Bomb on a spouse?

Anyway, if you plan on dating make sure you don't get into anything serious and intimate.  Last thing you need is your wife using that against you in the courtroom.

Keep your head up and keep your drawers up.

No, if Udo was a chick I'd say the same thing.  It's not just a matter of getting all the ducks in a row- which I agree might be shady but at least understandable; it's trying to live your new life (hooking up and dating) while lying and not telling the wife.  Also in a previous post he mentioned that if you are gay or bisexual not to marry a straight woman- besides the resounding Duh, if you know getting into the marriage you swing both ways (if not the other completely), maybe this is something you should alert your future partner to.  Not act all resentful of the wife you have been lying to.

I say this as a woman who has dated a man, who in the course of our relationship, came out.  And he dealt with it like a grown up.  He came clean about a desire/possible interest in men, we ended the relationship, and we are still best friends 7 years later.  He broke it off before going on any booty quests.  And we were in our early 20's.  Udo's pushing 40 from his profile.  I think he could show a little respect for the woman who popped out his babies by being honest with her, or keeping it in his pants until he reaches a point where he can tell her.

Original Post by jewelsmcblah:

Jesus. If Udo were female we'd all be patting his back and offering hugs. What's wrong with getting all your shiz-nit together before dropping The D-Bomb on a spouse?

Anyway, if you plan on dating make sure you don't get into anything serious and intimate. Last thing you need is your wife using that against you in the courtroom.

Keep your head up and keep your drawers up.

Don't sweat it.  I think a lot of people are just kind of ignorant.  I see no real harm in going to lunch with someone I might have an interest in and be able to identify with. If I followed some of these people's advice it would just be a lot more misery for everyone.

TONS of gay men married to women also go to bars and have sleazy hookups, or even public restrooms and god-knows what and then sleep with their wives after all that. I'm talking about lunch dates for god's sake. I'm a human being, god forbid I actually want to connect to other human beings that have things in common with me!

I spend every bit as much time with the kids and doing housekeeping as she does.  It's pretty stupid to presume that I don't.

Thanks Jewel

Original Post by silentdeadlyrose:

I'm glad you are getting to where you want to be..However, I hate to say this, but I find it a bit selfish that you have not told your wife ANYTHING about this ordeal and you're already trying to hook up with someone while still married leaving your wife oblivious. It's already going to be a lot for her to accept when you tell her about your true feelings let alone having her also know you then were cheating on her while still with her. It's really not fair for her..It's not fair for you to stay in this relationship if your heart is not into it, but it's not fair for your wife to leave her in the back corner like this as well.

I wish you BOTH happiness...but I think your wife deserves more respect then this.

 +1, totally!

Original Post by tortoisewins:

No, if Udo was a chick I'd say the same thing. It's not just a matter of getting all the ducks in a row- which I agree might be shady but at least understandable; it's trying to live your new life (hooking up and dating) while lying and not telling the wife. Also in a previous post he mentioned that if you are gay or bisexual not to marry a straight woman- besides the resounding Duh, if you know getting into the marriage you swing both ways (if not the other completely), maybe this is something you should alert your future partner to. Not act all resentful of the wife you have been lying to.

I say this as a woman who has dated a man, who in the course of our relationship, came out. And he dealt with it like a grown up. He came clean about a desire/possible interest in men, we ended the relationship, and we are still best friends 7 years later. He broke it off before going on any booty quests. And we were in our early 20's. Udo's pushing 40 from his profile. I think he could show a little respect for the woman who popped out his babies by being honest with her, or keeping it in his pants until he reaches a point where he can tell her.

Not all of us are as in touch with how we feel as your friend was, and as I have touched on in other posts, there are a lot of other problems in the marriage besides sexuality. I personally think I have shown a hell of a lot of respect by staying with her through the last MISERABLE SIX YEARS and being faithful.

I didn't say anything about hooking up or booty calls - that's your own overactive imagination.  I'm still hurting and not in a rush to get really involved, but I do feel like at least getting out and meeting people will be a good way to move past my feelings for the first co-worker.

I alerted my wife to my feelings when we were dating (something I have also mentioned numerous times) and she didn't want to hear any more about it. There are some things I resent, whether it's fair to or not, and I'm sure she has and will have her own resentments. 

Kudos to your friend for coming out in his early 20s before he had any entanglements.  I was 25 when I got married and had kids a couple of years later.  For quite some time I felt this was behind me.  I'm sorry, I just don't think you're looking at this realistically at all.  Let's say I told her right this minute - she might go bananas and want a divorce immediately.  I'd have to leave the country, and who would support her then? Even if she agreed to stay married for the visa, I wouldn't have enough set aside yet for a new place, and we'd have to be around each other all the time. 

Finally, I'm not even entirely sure that who I date after we split is even any of her business.  We have hardly been intimate in years, and even if I was 100% straight, I am pretty certain I would want out of this awful marriage,  Whatever compatibility we once had is gone, and all the culture gaps have only magnified over the years.  When I leave, I'm probably just going to say that I am unhappy, no longer love her and don't believe she loves me, and that I want to see other people.

Original Post by tortoisewins:

WTF?

Wow, completely narcissistic. Seriously.

You have come to terms with/discovered your sexuality. And that is great. But you are trying to date men while you are still married to your wife who is apparently in the dark in regards to your sexuality and the mother of your children- all because you don't want to have to deal with her reaction while having to stay in the same house/ plus you apparently are not a Japan native and have to work out your visa once you are divorced.

Does the f'd upness of this situation register at all?

At this point you are using her for legal status and a babysitter/housekeeper? And you resent her for being fine in a loveless marriage all these years- even though it sounds like you are no longer interested (and most likely never were) in women? I'm sorry to be harsh- but if you are in your late 30's- you are old enough to be a man and stop lying to her and accept the fact that she is not going to be happy about it. Who knows, she may even be a little relieved that your lack of interest in her is not because she is awful but because she is not the gender you are attracted to.

I could still muster interest in women, but sad to say, she has become awful. An extremely negative and defeatist person. So no, I'm no longer interested in her because I no longer love her. We split housekeeping and childrearing duties 50/50. It's not 1950, you know.

The f'd-upness definitely registers, but it's going to be f'd up no matter what I do. Your idea of immediately blurting out that I'm gay and want out may seem very nice and moral and ethical to you, but it will NOT wake ANYTHING easier on ANYONE. It's got to be the worst idea I've ever heard, frankly. Couples conceal things from each other all the time, often for good reason. Trying to do this now would only make it harder on everyone. Waiting a few months will definitely make it easier.

I'm sure she's seen a change in my attitude in recent months. It probably won't be a complete shock to her.

I don't know if I'm narcissistic or not, but I do know this has been the most painful time of my life and I don't relish the idea of having to live separately from my kids at all. It probably is terribly selfish to want a little happiness for myself before I get old. She's already resigned herself to "the next life" and couldn't give a crap about this one.  Even if I was straight, I don't think I could be happy around someone so grim.

doesnt your wife know you use this site for weight management and fitness, how are you getting away with these posts she is likely to find them and become distraught.

It sounds like socializing with your co workers is a good step, being reclusive and isolated is never a positive thing, I know people in your predicament it happens and it is sad,  the situation will probably become psychotic its best to brace yourself and prepare, for your wifes sake as well,

Hi Enzyme, good to see you.  Nah, we don't share computers at all.  She doesn't know I use this site and she certainly doesn't know my ID. I have no idea what sites she looks at either.  We pretty much steer clear of each other and respect each other's privacy.

On the slim chance that she did find out, I wouldn't deny it - just have to roll with the punches.