Update - for anyone who might be interested...

Okay, first off I don't come to CC that much anymore because I'm pretty happy with my weight and have maintained for a while now.

My crush on the guy at work became such a huge distraction that I finally decided to email him and let him know how I feel about him. Unfortunately, despite his paying constant attention to me, he's straight with a girlfriend. So after 6 months of (I thought) really connecting with this man, I was crushed and cried my eyes out (about the guy and about my situation in general) every day for about 2 weeks. He was really nice and understanding, but I still have to get texts from this guy everyday and he acts like nothing has happened, so It's kind of painful.

But in the wake of all of this, I finally did decide to start making some changes - I've started going out with friends every week. I'm introverted and so is the wife, so it's easy for us to become shutins. The wife is content to be that way, but I'm sick of it.

I also asked another co-worker (this one is gay) for a lunch date when he gets here next month. I like him and hope we hit it off. (since this seems to be confusing a lot of people here, I mean "get along", not "rush off and have sex" He doesn't even live here in town right now. Any potential real involvements would have to be a ways off. I just want to strike up a friendship with another gay man who might understand me better than my other friends here.  I have *NO* other gay friends in this whole town, and I'm sure as hell not going to start going to gay bars to try and meet some.)

I'm mostly over the crush now and am preparing over the next couple months before I sit down with the wife and tell her I want to separate. Sexuality issues aside, I don't enjoy her company much anymore and basically am always happier away from her.

I've also confided in several trusted friends, so I have people I can talk with about this and get advice.

Udokier, I would just like to say... You are such a brave person. I am bisexual and know how conflicted and difficult life can be... I can tell from your posts that you don't mean to harm your wife in any way. But we all know when a relationship is over, and it's time to move on. I respect you for your decision to follow your heart, and wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk, message me

THanks meryl.  Of course I don't.  We've both hurt each other a lot over the years.  This last thing is going to hurt a lot, but there is no getting around it.  It's going to really be up to her whether to hold a grudge forever (which is one of her behavior patterns) or move on with her life.  I do hope she can choose the latter.

In my heart I feel like I'm bisexual but have decided to just go with the label gay because it's just easier.  Besides. if some girl ever gets me going she'll feel like she's really accomplished something :-)

I wish I felt like I was brave.  I'll be the first to admit that I was extremely naive and foolish when I got married - about my own sexuality, and about what a HUUUGE challenge intercultural marriages eventually become. I thought we'd be together forever, then later I thought we'd at least be together til the kids were grown, but then I found myself with this amazing realization that I could fall so intensely and passionately in love with someone, and Iwant more of that feeling, which I never really had with my wife.  Yeah, I do feel like this is selfish more than it's brave, but life is too short to waste in a dead marriage.

I think you are looking at everything in a realistic way, except for the length of your financial commitment. From what I understand of Japanese culture, divorced women (or women over a certain age, divorced or not) have very slim chances of ever getting married. 

My brother divorced a Japanese woman and never saw his son again. I'm a little scared for you. I know, I know, anecdotal.

It's not easy when you are actually stuck, to find a way out that minimizes all the damage, including to yourself. Good luck my friend.

Hi Udokier, its good to see you back at the lounge. I know that your going through a lot right now but, to be honest, I feel bad for your wife. Waiting to drop everything on her all at once seems like a lot to take in, especially if she still has to depend on you for financial support. From what you've explained it doesn't seem that she's all that emotionally stable as it is. Is it possible that she will become suicidal when you take all of this into action? Suicide rates are supposedly really high in Japan aren't they? If she were to take her life, where would that leave you and the kids?

Original Post by udokier:

Original Post by tortoisewins:

Finally, I'm not even entirely sure that who I date after we split is even any of her business. 

I am sorry but it is her business if this person(s) you decide to date will be around the kids you and her created.

I have not read the whole of this post but I have read your other posts. I believe as a few others believe that you should come clean with your wife on this. If you are unhappy you need to tell her. Nothing good ever comes from lying and hiding things.

The only other thing I'm saying is you think it cools down things when you say the guy you are going to have lunch with is not going to be an intimate thing and that it's just a lunch date, but you said earlier that you were hoping things worked out with him. Not only that with this crush you had you WERE hoping for something to come out of that so you are looking to cheat on your wife it just didn't work out that way because the guy is straight. And what if the guy you do go to lunch with does become interested? Are you going to play with his emotions as well as you are your wife's? I mean you aren't the only one in this situation, you're playing with other people's emotions here. I'm sorry, but I just feel like you are only thinking of yourself making sure your butt is secure before you ruin other people's.

I still say if you don't want to be in this relationship then don't, it's not right for you or your wife. However, I think if you can *wait* to tell your wife about your little situation then you can *wait* before you try to start something up with someone else.

Having friends and pursuing to get into someone's pants are two seperate things here. (ex: the crush.)

P.s. To the poster who said if this was a woman it would be different. Hell no it wouldn't! It doesn't matter if it was a male or female it stands for both on a moral and respectful basis I don't give a **** what someone has between their legs it's only being fair and thinking of other people.

Yes, in the case of the crush, I would have made an exception and jumped right in.  Still would.  But no, this will be a lunch date - he's just in town for a few days.  Hoping things would work out was more of an "eventually" thing.  I'm so completely not in a hurry when it comes to anyone else.

I'm sorry if this is hard for you to understand, but I have been going through all this for months feeling utterly alone, so if I can find a nice gay man to connect with who actually might understand a bit (rather than just being instantly judgmental), I'm going to do that.  I may even hold his hand or steal a kiss, but it won't be a booty call.

I get what you're saying silentdeadly...I agree completely.

It's not that I dont think you should live your life and be happy- my god after years in an unhappy marriage of course you should.

But the way you talk about your wife, it nearly sounds like you are blaming her for the entire situation.  She settled for a loveless marriage, she made you unhappy, in some ways it almost sounds like you are putting some blame on her for your sexual identity.

Where is your accountability in the whole thing?  You should not feel any guilt or shame over your sexual identity- but you have CHOSEN to stay in this marriage.  You are a part of the failure of your relationship.  And you are going to have to face her emotions and yours.  If you choose to do it later, it is still morally questionable- but if you choose to date while you are with her biding your time until you have a Visa, it is morally reprehensible.

Even if sex is not involved, it is naive to think these new relationships will not bleed into your relationship with your wife.  Your absence, or new giddiness, will come through.  And it is rediculous to point out that other gay men sleep with men and their unkowing wives and say "well at least I'm not that bad".  So you're bad- just not that bad?  That doesn't alleviate your emotional responsibility to your family.

I love how quick some people are to judge other people's lives.

As always, udok... wishing you the best of luck. :)

Original Post by alibsam:

I love how quick some people are to judge other people's lives.

 

As always, udok... wishing you the best of luck. :)

 Agreed.. hope it all works out and that you and your family find happiness.

I dunno. Why ever tell her? Just have random same-sex affairs, lie and deceive her. She probably deserves it anyways for not having some innate instinct to recognize that you are gay ! It's her fault. Dumb be-atch. She was soooo stupid to have children with you and marry you ! SHE is the jerk.

As a side-note...just because you aren't yet being physical with another person..(male or female) doesn't mean emotional affairs and attachments aren't cheating.)

And leave to Monarch to leave the most childish response. 

Original Post by simwaves1:

 Is it possible that she will become suicidal when you take all of this into action? Suicide rates are supposedly really high in Japan aren't they? If she were to take her life, where would that leave you and the kids?

First of all, although she is a pretty negative person, I don't think she is suicidally inclined, and one of the good things about the cult she's in is that they frown strongly on suicide.  She might go pretty mental, but not dangerous to her or the kids or me, I don't think.

Original Post by tortoisewins:

It's not that I dont think you should live your life and be happy- my god after years in an unhappy marriage of course you should.

But the way you talk about your wife, it nearly sounds like you are blaming her for the entire situation. She settled for a loveless marriage, she made you unhappy, in some ways it almost sounds like you are putting some blame on her for your sexual identity.

Where is your accountability in the whole thing? You should not feel any guilt or shame over your sexual identity- but you have CHOSEN to stay in this marriage. You are a part of the failure of your relationship. And you are going to have to face her emotions and yours. If you choose to do it later, it is still morally questionable- but if you choose to date while you are with her biding your time until you have a Visa, it is morally reprehensible.

Even if sex is not involved, it is naive to think these new relationships will not bleed into your relationship with your wife. Your absence, or new giddiness, will come through.

I certainly don't blame her for everything. I'm just explaining why I want out rather than an open arrangement.  I can list all the things that are bad about me, but they are irrelevant to my decision to leave or stay. And I'm sorry, but I guess my morals are pretty bad, because I don't feel the least bit guilty about going out to lunch with someone.

This has already bled into the relationship, but it's been the opposite of giddiness.

Original Post by monarch777:

I dunno. Why ever tell her? Just have random same-sex affairs, lie and deceive her. She probably deserves it anyways for not having some innate instinct to recognize that you are gay ! It's her fault. Dumb be-atch. She was soooo stupid to have children with you and marry you ! SHE is the jerk.

As a side-note...just because you aren't yet being physical with another person..(male or female) doesn't mean emotional affairs and attachments aren't cheating.)

The first part of your post is so ridiculous I don't even think it deserves a response.

As for developing attachments, sometimes that just happens.  Yeah, it is like cheating, and the fact that I don't feel bad about it only makes me feel more sure I need to get out of the relaionship.

But yet again, you're not really saying anything constructive or sensible, but just lashing out.  Maybe this topic hits some sort of personal nerve for you.  I'm sorry that you were put through whatever it is that's made you so angry.

Original Post by alibsam:

And leave to Monarch to leave the most childish response.

Thanks again Ali.  I guess what I really need to do is tell her now, then go move under an overpass, lose my job and not support my kids.  And while I'm at it, I can get a cat-o-nine-tails and flail myself with it an hour a day as penance for fooling myself and her into thinking this could work.  This would clearly be the best route for all involved. (eyes roll).  What kind of idiot doesn't have his sexuality sorted out at 39?  Why would anyone marry when they have same-sex feelings, especially considering how our society WHOLEHEARTEDLY EMBRACES AND ACCEPTS MALE HOMOSEXUALITY. ((((SARCASM))))

I dont know how this lunch date turned into a mad bad sex romp for two, I think the fourum is creating controversy for the sake of something interesting to talk about but its true what people are saying its best that nothing will happen more than a friendship and its best not to encourage any affairs either, You have dug the hole, your in it, so dont fill it with ****

But I like you, did you once love your wife, what were you like at 25,

Original Post by enzyme1:

I dont know how this lunch date turned into a mad bad sex romp for two, I think the fourum is creating controversy for the sake of something interesting to talk about but its true what people are saying its best that nothing will happen more than a friendship and its best not to encourage any affairs either, You have dug the hole, your in it, so dont fill it with ****

But I like you, did you once love your wife, what were you like at 25,

Yeah, I used to like her a lot.  I was convinced that I was in love with her, but I think it was more like a "strong like" with reasonable sexual compatibility than real, passionate love.  I just didn't know because I hadn't experienced that kind of overwhelming passion yet.  I figured that since we got on okay sexually, that that meant I was bisexual and that it could work.  But this thing with the coworker has made me realize that emotionally, I just form much more strong and passionate attachments to men.  As far as the sex act goes, I don't have such a strong preference either way, but when it comes to kissing etc. the feeling with a man seems so much stronger now (of course this is all old memories and imagination I'm going on, but I do feel pretty sure now).  I think I really underestimated how important that emotional passion is, not to mention how cultural differences can magnify over time.

I think I have always been kind of a late bloomer in a lot of ways, and my emotional development has been no exception to that. I think you're great too enzyme.  It's great to see how you've matured and become so much more positive over the last couple of years.

I'm mostly over the crush now and am preparing over the next couple months before I sit down with the wife and tell her I want to separate.

What do you see changing in the next few months? How is it going to be less difficult for her and you if you wait a couple months before discussing this? Your mind is not going to change, it doesn't sound like her personality and values are going to change...so what's the point of waiting?

I happy that you've figured things out on your side, you seem to know where your head and heart is, and that's wonderful...be careful of procrastinating. If nothing is going to change in the next couple months, I would think it would be better to have the 'talk' with her before you start dating...or even having lunch with other people. In the long run it may be more hurt for both of you if you start other relationships (whether it's physical or not...an emotional relationship is even more intimate) with other people before you end the one you have with her.

Either way...good luck to your and yours...