Update - for anyone who might be interested...

Okay, first off I don't come to CC that much anymore because I'm pretty happy with my weight and have maintained for a while now.

My crush on the guy at work became such a huge distraction that I finally decided to email him and let him know how I feel about him. Unfortunately, despite his paying constant attention to me, he's straight with a girlfriend. So after 6 months of (I thought) really connecting with this man, I was crushed and cried my eyes out (about the guy and about my situation in general) every day for about 2 weeks. He was really nice and understanding, but I still have to get texts from this guy everyday and he acts like nothing has happened, so It's kind of painful.

But in the wake of all of this, I finally did decide to start making some changes - I've started going out with friends every week. I'm introverted and so is the wife, so it's easy for us to become shutins. The wife is content to be that way, but I'm sick of it.

I also asked another co-worker (this one is gay) for a lunch date when he gets here next month. I like him and hope we hit it off. (since this seems to be confusing a lot of people here, I mean "get along", not "rush off and have sex" He doesn't even live here in town right now. Any potential real involvements would have to be a ways off. I just want to strike up a friendship with another gay man who might understand me better than my other friends here.  I have *NO* other gay friends in this whole town, and I'm sure as hell not going to start going to gay bars to try and meet some.)

I'm mostly over the crush now and am preparing over the next couple months before I sit down with the wife and tell her I want to separate. Sexuality issues aside, I don't enjoy her company much anymore and basically am always happier away from her.

I've also confided in several trusted friends, so I have people I can talk with about this and get advice.

Good luck with all this Udo. There is no easy way to correct a mistake like this, and it sounds like you are trying to do the very best thing for all concerned.

Sending hope that you can salvage a relationship with your children, who are, of course, the most important humans in this equation.

 

Original Post by kathygator:

Good luck with all this Udo. There is no easy way to correct a mistake like this, and it sounds like you are trying to do the very best thing for all concerned.

Sending hope that you can salvage a relationship with your children, who are, of course, the most important humans in this equation.

Thanks Kathy.  Yeah, they're the hardest part of all this.  But their getting older is one of the things making me want to do this.  They're already old enough to ask what this "gay" thing is, and I've tried to tell them in a way they would understand, but it was hard to tell them without mentioning that it directly concerned me.   I want to be for real with them always.  But even if I live around the block, it will be so hard to leave the house and say goodbye to them the first time. And although I can afford to support another apartment, I'm not rich and I know the wife will make a big deal about the fact that this will be costing money that could be used for their education - which is of course true. So again, yeah, it's selfish, but it seems like it would be so wrong to stay. After what I felt with the co-worker, I want more of that. I want to come home to someone I'm happy to see and who's happy to see me. I love my kids, but I feel like I've been half a person, or maybe the Walking Dead - for so long.  I've cried more in the last few weeks than the rest of my whole life combined, but I wouldn't want to go back the the numb, dead, sleepwalking zombie I was before all this.

It's not selfish to want to be happy. It's human nature. Not much point in trying to live in a loveless marriage - that will only teach your kids that it's ok to live in loveless marriages. You would not be able to forgive yourself if you let that happen, and they ended up as miserable as you, right?

FWIW what you are doing is brave. While it's regrettable that you both made the decision to get married - especially hearing your wife's position of pure denial -  you certainly aren't the first, nor will you be the last to go through it. Gay or straight, people get themselves into bad marriages, and then get themselves out of them.

Anything you can do to stay in your kids' lives - do it. They'll grow up sooner or later, and will remember that you tried to be there for them a lot longer than they will remember why you left.

 

As a kid who went through this, you are doing the best thing!  All my parents did before the split was fight, fight, fight and it was horrible!

Things were so much better afterwards.  Both my dad and my mom remarried a couple of years later and were so much happier which greatly benefited us because it was a much better environment for us kids. 

My mom and stepmom were the main care takers and they showed so much love, compassion and understanding for each other and us that is was a great way to grow up. 

It is going to be a little tough for them because having a homosexual parent can be hard at school.  But in the end, it made me a stronger person. There was actually a local support group for teenagers who had homosexual parents and it was great, so as they get older, you might want to look into something like that for them.

Original Post by shaded44:

As a kid who went through this, you are doing the best thing! All my parents did before the split was fight, fight, fight and it was horrible!

Things were so much better afterwards. Both my dad and my mom remarried a couple of years later and were so much happier which greatly benefited us because it was a much better environment for us kids.

My mom and stepmom were the main care takers and they showed so much love, compassion and understanding for each other and us that is was a great way to grow up.

It is going to be a little tough for them because having a homosexual parent can be hard at school. But in the end, it made me a stronger person. There was actually a local support group for teenagers who had homosexual parents and it was great, so as they get older, you might want to look into something like that for them.

Unfortunately, Japan is about 50 years behind the US in gay rights progress.  There is little real hatred, but people are astonishingly ignorant of what gay people are.  The only gays EVER on TV are drag queens and mincing queens who might as well be drag queens.  There is no concept of a homosexual who might actually look and behave like a normal person. 

Man, the visa issue really complicates this problem. I admire your cool-headed demeanor through all this. I know if it were me in your shoes, I'd probably be in cardiac arrest or downing pots of coffee and packs of cigarettes.

Good luck with everything.

Wait--last I checked in on this story, you were gonna have the heart-to-heart talk with her after the holidays? What happened with that?

Now, from what I recall of this story, the wife was aware of his bisexuality when they were dating, but has since become dismissive of it or expecting it to "go away" once they married?

Well, nothing wrong with going out and meeting new people--if nothing else it would be good for you to have a support system physically with you and not simply on the internet. Know a girl in New York wishes you well, sure-but you're in Japan and need a social circle there. But still you and your wife are going to have to eventually reach some sort of decision regarding your lives together and your children--good luck to you.

Original Post by coffincritter:

Wait--last I checked in on this story, you were gonna have the heart-to-heart talk with her after the holidays? What happened with that? 

Ended up putting it off until the visa issues are settled.  Should be between 3 and 6 months tops.  In the meantime, I need to set aside money for the move anyway.

 

At the time I was still considering asking for an open marriage - something I no longer want.  The logistics of a separation are a bit different.

 

Thanks for the kind wishes.

Udokier,

First of all, REALLY brave of you to give an update here, considering the 3 pages of (mostly) slating you got for it! Ouch!

For the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with going out for lunch. Looking for emotional support from someone that may understand how you feel is perfectly reasonable (especially since you made it clear on here that it was talking and NOT a hook-up.. some people just don't read posts properly). I'm guessing you don't have any family or other close friends you can confide in right now.

Jewls is right, if your post was from a girl wanting to talk to her girl friend about an emotional problem, no one would have a problem with it.

I also do not see the harm in being somewhat financially prepared for a break, since you cannot be sure how your wife will react when you tell her. I AM glad that you plan to tell her soon though.

And as your immigrant status is dependant on her and her situation would be made so much harder if you are not in the country to support her, you are mutually dependant at least for now.

Be aware that your new social schedule may alert her to the fact that something has changed. She may be more prepared than you think to hear what you have to say.

You know my history, I hope you learn from it, and the mistakes my husband made. Be wise, make mature choices and when the time comes, don't lie about your reasons for wanting a split, it may be painful for her to hear but getting it all out in one go is more kind than telling her piecemeal. Well, that's what I think. I'm a "rip the band-aid off quickly" type of girl... not un-stick it slowly.

Good luck. Hope you will keep me posted. Email me?

take care, T

Original Post by glos2lv:

Udokier,

First of all, REALLY brave of you to give an update here, considering the 3 pages of (mostly) slating you got for it! Ouch!

For the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with going out for lunch. Looking for emotional support from someone that may understand how you feel is perfectly reasonable (especially since you made it clear on here that it was talking and NOT a hook-up.. some people just don't read posts properly). I'm guessing you don't have any family or other close friends you can confide in right now.

Thanks.  I'll try to remember to write if anything changes.

I really want to say this to all of the people who have been so critical of me for waiting and preparing.  The last month has been AGONY.  Having to get friendly IMs at work from this man that I still love still makes me cry, and then I have to come home and face the wife every day.  It is HORRIBLE. I feel like I have all this love and nobody to share it with. I don't know how people have this idea that this waiting  is somehow "narcissistic" or fun for me.

I do have a couple of close friends here and in the states that I've confided in, but they're all straight and I don't feel they understand the same as another gay person would.

One of the friends I told actually said "You know, I go to the gym and see naked guys in the locker room, but I don't think to myself 'oh, that's a nice d##k' ".  This is one of my SUPPORTIVE friends. He means well, but oh, brother.

Original Post by jdroller:

Man, the visa issue really complicates this problem. I admire your cool-headed demeanor through all this. I know if it were me in your shoes, I'd probably be in cardiac arrest or downing pots of coffee and packs of cigarettes.

Good luck with everything.

Thank you, but I'm not cool-headed. I keep breaking down crying at inopportune times, especially at work. Luckily nobody seems to notice because I'm in a cubicle thing.

I don't think you're being narcissistic, but I still believe that you are being unfair to your wife.  There's nothing wrong with trying to prepare financially for a new lifestyle, I would recommend that to anyone, male or female.  I've found myself in the very uncomfortable situation of being separated and planning my divorce with no real plan for living on my own and it's no picnic, believe me.  However, I do think that it's unfair to leave her out of the loop, especially now that you're looking for someone to spend time with.  A casual lunch is one thing, but when I read between the lines (correct me if I'm wrong), I'm getting the impression you are hoping something will come of it.  If you're just talking about having a friend you can confide in, that's fine, but if it's more along the line of a romance then you're venturing into cheating territory.  I really think you need to tread carefully especially considering the society you've chosen to live in because you could not only hurt the person who bore you children, but you could also be in a world of hot water yourself if the story just happens to come out another way.  Honesty is always the best policy.  I would want to know that my hubby was interested in other people before he attempted a relationship.  You don't have to be actually in a sexual relationship to be cheating, and it could destroy everything you've built.  Your wife may have a meltdown, but I'm willing to bet she could come to terms with things far quicker if you sat her down and was honest with her and didn't just spring it on her.  She deserves better than that and so do you.  As for blame, there shouldn't be any.  It's much better for all involved, and most especially the children, who's needs should always trump everyone else's. 

Original Post by caverlady:

A casual lunch is one thing, but when I read between the lines (correct me if I'm wrong), I'm getting the impression you are hoping something will come of it. 

I'm hoping something EVENTUALLY might come of it.  He is not going to be in town long. 

Believe me, there is nothing I would like more than to tell her.  I just don't think it would go well. 

Original Post by udokier:

Original Post by caverlady:

A casual lunch is one thing, but when I read between the lines (correct me if I'm wrong), I'm getting the impression you are hoping something will come of it. 

I'm hoping something EVENTUALLY might come of it.  He is not going to be in town long. 

Believe me, there is nothing I would like more than to tell her.  I just don't think it would go well. 

 I don't doubt that it would go well.  It wouldn't go well if my husband were to tell me something like that either, but she will get over it, we all eventually do, and learn to move on.  I just think that it's better to be honest with her at the outset and give her a chance to sort things out herself.  It's entirely possible that she's not as content as you think she is, but you'll never find out unless you talk with her.  I really think it would be kinder at the very least.  I hope it all turns out well for all of you.

Original Post by udokier:

Okay, first off I don't come to CC that much anymore because I'm pretty happy with my weight and have maintained for a while now.

 

My crush on the guy at work became such a huge distraction that I finally decided to email him and let him know how I feel about him. Unfortunately, despite his paying constant attention to me, he's straight with a girlfriend. So after 6 months of (I thought) really connecting with this man, I was crushed and cried my eyes out (about the guy and about my situation in general) every day for about 2 weeks. He was really nice and understanding, but I still have to get texts from this guy everyday and he acts like nothing has happened, so It's kind of painful.

But in the wake of all of this, I finally did decide to start making some changes - I've started going out with friends every week. I'm introverted and so is the wife, so it's easy for us to become shutins. The wife is content to be that way, but I'm sick of it.

I also asked another co-worker (this one is gay) for a lunch date when he gets here next month. I like him and hope we hit it off. (since this seems to be confusing a lot of people here, I mean "get along", not "rush off and have sex" He doesn't even live here in town right now. Any potential real involvements would have to be a ways off. I just want to strike up a friendship with another gay man who might understand me better than my other friends here.  I have *NO* other gay friends in this whole town, and I'm sure as hell not going to start going to gay bars to try and meet some.)

I'm mostly over the crush now and am preparing over the next couple months before I sit down with the wife and tell her I want to separate. Sexuality issues aside, I don't enjoy her company much anymore and basically am always happier away from her.

I've also confided in several trusted friends, so I have people I can talk with about this and get advice.

Seriously -- end your relationship with your wife first then move on.   You must close one door before you can really open another.