UPDATE Bummer - my best friend is getting married...

Why is it that I am sad to see this happen?

First let me explain that we've been friends for over 12 years, I love him to death... I am really sad that he is choosing her. 

Part of me is happy because I am suppose to be happy for him, but another part of me is sad because he deserves better than this girl. 

She is the one that has told him to "lose weight" and if he did, she would have sex with him (for the first time)  -  this after saying that she was waiting until marriage.

Ugh!!!!  Any advice on what I should do?  I mean I don't want to sound like a jealous friend or something, I just care about him so much that I don't want to see him make a mistake. 

Or  maybe this isn't a mistake at all  -  and this is what he wants and I should shut - up and be the friend that I have always been to him. 

 

UPDATE - How horrible is it that I was right, they broke up last night.  I feel horrible that I was right... I knew she wasn't right for him, but I just hoped that my guy feeling was wrong : (

watch "my best friend's wedding" before you do ANYTHING...

Is the situation such that you could say something with honesty, out of love for your friend, and it would be accepted? Or would she (let's be honest, if someone will get pissed, it'll probably be her) find out about it and you look like a jerk.

If you think you can tell your friend, then be honest and drop it.

Chances are higher, as a friend, you need to let your friend live his own life and continue to be his friend.

Some lessons we need to learn for ourselves.

As a good friend, a great friend, I'd try to be there as he learns them, to be supportive and friendly.

I'd stay mum if I were you.

My husband's friends were never/still aren't fond of me.  It's been 10+ years together, 8+ years of marriage.  We have two kids.  I'm not going away.  DH is still crazy about me. 

The only thing their protests changed is that we don't spend much time around his friends.

You can pick your friends, but you can't pick who your friends love.

Tread carefully. I firmly believe that it is hard for an outsider to know exactly how another couple's relationship works, no matter how close a friend you are.

If you feel you absolutely must say something, do it ASAP. The worst thing to do is wait until the wedding plans are already underway and then realize you can't hold it in any longer.

Try to express your concerns gently, if you must. Don't attack her, and don't put him in a position where he feels like he has to defend her to you - this sets you up for problems in the future. I would spend some serious time thinking about how to word that kind of conversation.

Be aware that the likelihood is that he will go through with it, and make sure you act accordingly, with no over the top bad mouthing or disapproval.

I'd second that.  I'll tell you a story.  We'll call my friend Rick.  We were bestest buddies from just about the moment that we met back in Jr. High.  Nothing romantic.  Never dated.  Never kissed.  Never even thought about it.  Our senior year of high school, I hear that Rick is getting married to a girl we'll call Tonya.  He didn't even bother to tell me himself.  Tonya didn't want him to be seen talking to other girls.  She was convinced that everyone was just a big a ho bag as she was.  Tonya was pretty much the school slut and not a very nice person to begin with.  Then I hear from one of our mutal friends that Tonya's pregnant and Rick's "doing the right thing".  That's one reason I always liked Rick.  He's a real honest to goodness stand up kinda guy.  So it didn't surprise me that he'd marry her because his moral code dictated it.

Shortly after that, I hear from some of Tonya's friends that this isn't even Rick's baby.  She just tricked Rick into marrying her so that her father wouldn't cut her off.  Not knowing if it's really true or not, I pull Rick aside and tell him that there's a persistent rumor that the baby isn't his and he's being tricked and really needs to insist on a paternity test before marrying this girl.  Well, the next day I get confronted by a very angry Rick who accuses me of wanting to sleep with him and of being bitter and jealous.  He's obviously been talking to Tonya. None of that's true, so I just walk off.  Nothing I can say will make it any better.  I am now minus one friend.  That's the last I hear of Rick for about 8 years. 

Eight years later, I get phone call out of the blue and it's an apology from Rick.    Seems that they were in car accident and all had to go to the hospital.  Rick, Tonya, and a kid we'll call Toby.  While they're in the hospital, Toby needs blood.  Rick offers to donate and hospital people tell him that he can't.  Upon doing some more checking, he finds out that, based on inherited blood types, that Toby cannot possibly be his child.  Even though I'm right and did what my conscience dictated, I am still minus one friend.  Being right isn't that damn much of a consolation.

 

Original Post by morrighu:

I'd second that.  I'll tell you a story.  We'll call my friend Rick.  We were bestest buddies from just about the moment that we met back in Jr. High.  Nothing romantic.  Never dated.  Never kissed.  Never even thought about it.  Our senior year of high school, I hear that Rick is getting married to a girl we'll call Tonya.  He didn't even bother to tell me himself.  Tonya didn't want him to be seen talking to other girls.  She was convinced that everyone was just a big a ho bag as she was.  Tonya was pretty much the school slut and not a very nice person to begin with.  Then I hear from one of our mutal friends that Tonya's pregnant and Rick's "doing the right thing".  That's one reason I always liked Rick.  He's a real honest to goodness stand up kinda guy.  So it didn't surprise me that he'd marry her because his moral code dictated it.

Shortly after that, I hear from some of Tonya's friends that this isn't even Rick's baby.  She just tricked Rick into marrying her so that her father wouldn't cut her off.  Not knowing if it's really true or not, I pull Rick aside and tell him that there's a persistent rumor that the baby isn't his and he's being tricked and really needs to insist on a paternity test before marrying this girl.  Well, the next day I get confronted by a very angry Rick who accuses me of wanting to sleep with him and of being bitter and jealous.  He's obviously been talking to Tonya. None of that's true, so I just walk off.  Nothing I can say will make it any better.  I am now minus one friend.  That's the last I hear of Rick for about 8 years. 

Eight years later, I get phone call out of the blue and it's an apology from Rick.    Seems that they were in car accident and all had to go to the hospital.  Rick, Tonya, and a kid we'll call Toby.  While they're in the hospital, Toby needs blood.  Rick offers to donate and hospital people tell him that he can't.  Upon doing some more checking, he finds out that, based on inherited blood types, that Toby cannot possibly be his child.  Even though I'm right and did what my conscience dictated, I am still minus one friend.  Being right isn't that damn much of a consolation.

 

 Holy Crap that sucks... what a dumbas* to listen to some idiot *****. Wow.

If you are a good friend, I think you move on with your life and leave the door open. Good friends should pick up where they leave off. Sometimes we all have to make the wrong choices in life to simply learn that specific lesson life has in mind for us. Sorry to hear your feeling blue, but it will pass. Cheers M

As painful as it might be, let your friend get married. Even though you two are best friends and you want what's best for him, this is a decision that he has made. Remember, he's a grown man who needs to learn from his own mistakes. Trying to intervene in his life right now and telling him it's a mistake might offend him and can ruin your relationship. So just be supportive of his decisions, and if the marriage falls to pieces and he's left there with a broken heart, make sure you're there for him.

Thanks for all the advice...

I have thought about it and he called last night to "talk" about it. 

Me being the friend that I am didn't show my true feelings, I said that I was happy for him and that I am glad he has found someone that will make him happy. 

This was such a hard thing for me to do you guys.  I think one of my biggest concerns is that I will lose my best friend through all of this. 

Sure it makes complete sense - I mean if the tables were reversed I don't necessarily know if I'd be comfortable with my hubby being such great friends with another female. 

Not to mention that I don't think this girl is right for him...But I've realized that this is not my call. 

I've also realized that I am being extremely selfish and maybe a little jealous (hard for me to admit) I am going to accept this and suck it up and wish him the best....

But this is really hard for me to do... After talking with him in a very mature manner, I called my other friend (not a friend of his) and just started pretty much whinning, until she said that it's not my place to be upset.... 

Sighs.....I hope things work out for the best for him and I am wrong about losing my BEST friend!  But I am going to miss him...

Well unfortunately I have to post that I was right about my friend's fiance...

They broke up after barely getting engaged. 

I feel horrible for him and sad that I was right.  Ugh!!!

Geesh....I am going through the same thing :(.  
Although we haven't been friends as long as you guys (3 Yrs), i totally understand your feelings. You know your friend can do better and shouldn't have to settle for anything less. Although my friends says she's happy and isn't settling, I DON"T BELIEVE HER....lol. Anyways, options are simple. Either support your friend and try not to be judgemental (aloud, anyways) and just try to be there for him. I really am trying to see the silver lining in all this and figure, FIRST: Friends usually last longer than some marriages and relationships anyways; SECOND: If you want to continue to have your friend in your life, sometimes we need to adjust our role some. Besides, if things are meant to be, they will work themselves out....That's what I think (again TRYING to be positive.) BTW, her wedding is in a couple of months and she asked me to be there. She understands if don't want to go. HOW CAN I NOT GO?? She's my friend and I want to be there for her, regardless. Besides, someone's gotta stand up to say " I OBJECT!" ....jk.

Anyways, I need to reread your entry. Does it say that you two are no longer friends???.hmm...Hope you and he manage to make up....good friends are soo hard to find, you really need to work to keep it...if there's a problem...that's my two cents...Good Luck

who wants some?

Original Post by jess1979:


I've also realized that I am being extremely selfish and maybe a little jealous (hard for me to admit) I am going to accept this and suck it up and wish him the best....  

I happen to think there are very few truly Platonic friendships out there.  In every boy/girl relationship I've ever known (even where one of them is gay!!) one person is carrying an unrequited torch for the other... and the other one lives in blissful ignorance and thinks they're just a 'great pal'.

I think you've loved this guy 'to death' a little more than you've admitted for all these years and now it's hitting home that he doesn't see you in 'that way'.  Sure, we dress it up that we're only concerned for their happiness or we're a bit worried about their chosen partner and so on... but I don't think that gets to the core.

I don't know if you have a boyfriend at the moment?  If not... go and find one.  The only way to put this kind of experience in perspective is to find someone who reciprocates your feelings.  Good luck