Update *** ex-boyfriend asked me out on a date...I'm confused about what to do. Advice?
Ok, so let me break it down for you. It's long, but as with any relationship, there was alot that went down.
We dated for 1.5 yrs & been apart for 2 years. When we were together he asked me to move in with him after only 4 months. I told him on the first date when he asked about co-habitation that I would never live with a boyfriend. You know, the whole "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" concept? Well I didn't want to be the cow, per say. Anyway, things started to go down hill from there. He basically felt that I didn't trust him, or love him enough to move in with him, even though he knew my stance on it had nothing to do with him personally.
Throughout the rest of our relationship he would tell me that I wasn't involved enough with what he loved (horses, riding competitions, rodeos). I do like horses and riding, but since he seemed to like alot of space, I just assumed it was his thing, so I never interjected myself into that part of his life. On his cue, I started to come to horse shows, become a better rider, & even compete a little. Well, then he started to say I was TOO involved. We went back and forth about this, and I basically said "make up your mind, already. either you want me there or you don't!".
Another point of contention was the whole "space" thing. He never actually told me he needed space, but I'm not an idiot. When you haven't seen your boyfriend all week because he works the 2 pm- 2 am shift M-T & you only get to see him on the weekends, then he tells you on Friday night that he wants the weekend to himself, it's dissappointing. It was not unusual for us to see eachother 1 weekend then skip 1, then spend 2 together, then skip 1. When you haven't seen your man for 2 weeks, it can be hard! Now, I know he wasn't cheating because I am close to his family, & he lives in a small town where everybody knows your name.
When I finally put my foot down on this behavior &told him we needed to rethink what we wanted out of this relationship, we took a break for about a month. Upon reuniting, things were GREAT for about 3 months, then he started going out with the boys on Fri. and Sat. nights. I finally said that I couldn't do it anymore and he broke down and confessed to several addictions he had been hiding from me. He was addicted to pornography and would spend hours on "pleasing himself" everyday. He was also addicted to gambling on a minor level due to being laid off at work, and he also was binge-eating and had gained about 30 lbs over the winter. I was willing to help him, but he said he didn't want to change. He just wanted me to deal with it, treat me the same and still be with me. This didn't fly with me so we broke up.
We remained friends, he got his crap together, and about 4 months ago, we started a physical relationship. I eventually told him I couldn't continue to be physical like that outside of a relationship and told him he needed to leave me alone until he figured out if that was something he wanted. Hence, the reality that now he is asking me on a real date.
So...what to do, what to do. I AM still in love with him.
*** So, last Saturday night we were both tired, so we just rented a movie and ordered a pizza. Had a very nice time. Afterwards, we cuddled (nothing more) in bed and fell asleep. It was very very nice. Until yesterday I hadn't heard from him, and that was fine since I live a relatively frenetic life. But last night he starts texting me asking what kind of weekend lies ahead. I explained that I don't have any time until Sunday evening and he asked if he could see me. He then went on to ask me if I'd like to be in a threesome that night. I responded with "NO. Let's just forget about it. Good night."
I'm done. It sucks to care about someone, and have them not appreciate you. But, now I'm gonna go fishing. Here fishy, fishy!!!
Thanks for all the advice ya'll. I should have listened to the nay-sayers!
If you still love him I don't see what harm giving it a go could do -- just be on your guard.
We remained friends, he got his crap together, and about 4 months ago, we started a physical relationship. I eventually told him I couldn't continue to be physical like that outside of a relationship and told him he needed to leave me alone until he figured out if that was something he wanted.
Hey, sounds like you got what you wanted. If that's really true, what are you waiting for? I say go for it. Congrats and good luck!
all I can say is , don't do it--from past history that you have written it appears you will be in the honeymoon stage for a couple of months and then he will go back to his old ways, is that really what you want?
he's an ex for a reason. men don't change. good luck.
Well.. I ALMOST agree with #4
He IS an ex for a reason. and neither men NOR women change.
This guy sounds like clown shoes. Love is all relative, people love to love and that is exactly what is sounds like you are doing here with this guy. Dude bro has very little communication skills and has shown the ability to hide thing from you for long stretches of time. It was great he came out and told you what he was up to but as the old saying goes "The guy that confesses minor mistakes often times has much larger mistakes to hide"
The guy is not worth your time and I seriously doubt that you really love him as much as you want to think you love him.
Original Post by bootser1:
all I can say is , don't do it--from past history that you have written it appears you will be in the honeymoon stage for a couple of months and then he will go back to his old ways, is that really what you want?
What I interpreted from the OP was that he wasn't read to change when they were together, he was able to change on his own, and he is now ready for their relationship to continue which is what she has wanted all along. Why punish herself and the guy when all their previous problems have cleared up? I see no problem with being cautious though.
Original Post by hkellick:
Well.. I ALMOST agree with #4
He IS an ex for a reason. and neither men NOR women change.
I think this site is proof enough that people CAN and DO change!
It could work, but my instinct is that you would be wasting your time. I would steer clear of this one. A porn addiction isn't something I would want to get involved with. Good luck either way.
Based on the backstory and my personal experience, just say no. I agree with ginger and hk: people usually don't change. If you go out with him again, you could well be setting yourself up for another disappointment.
I know it's nearly impossible to just stop loving someone, but before you accept this date, think hard about how little he valued your company and your efforts on previous attempts. Good luck.
edit...oops...misread something
I'm generally a very strong-minded woman who doesn't put up with anyone's bull****. But, it takes a LONG, LOOOOONG time for me to let a guy in, so I guess I'm thinking I'm gonna go for it. I'm totally prepared to be disappointed and although that would suck, I'm willing to see what will happen. If it doesn't work out, then I'm ok with it.
So here's another question.....keep dating others until he makes a committment? We made a promise to eachother when the physical relationship started up again, that we would let eachother know if we were physical with anyone else. For health reasons, this was a mutual agreement. But we never said not to date others. Hmmmm......? I want to keep my opotions open. If we decide to be exclusive after some time, obviously it won't be an issue.
Always keep your options open if there's no commitment. It does two things: It keeps you from getting way too much into the new yet uncommitted relationship, and it also, well, keeps your options open! You don't want to have blinders on and miss out on someone great if you are devoting all of your attention on a guy that isn't commited to you.
Well, I've just accepted his offer and I guess we'll just see what happens. We're going to a comedy show tomorrow evening, then out to dinner. Wish me luck everyone!!!
Now I know you already made up your mind, but honestly, it's been my personal experience that a woman "in love" doesn't want to see other people or "keep options open." So make sure you are giving him another chance for the right reasons and not because you think you love him. Good luck!
Original Post by hmking:
Original Post by hkellick:
Well.. I ALMOST agree with #4
He IS an ex for a reason. and neither men NOR women change.
I think this site is proof enough that people CAN and DO change!
true. but from the sounds of it, this guy is bad news... and I would NOT get involved. But it looks like you're going against (almost) everyone's advice... so, yeah, good luck!
My two cents:
Make him work.
You want him, but you want a guy who is 100% committed to you, 100% there for you, 100% understanding of your needs and willing to compromise. You are worth it.
Don't sell yourself short.
It's okay if he has issues, but the burden is on him to PROVE to you that he's the right one for you. Why is the burden on him? Because he's the one who messed up in the past.
Good luck!!!
I realize you have made up your mind, and I respect that, but I just wanted to give you one little bit of "food for thought." Please forgive my bluntness, I don't mean to offend you.
You said you were in love with him. My question is, are you REALLY in love with him? What I mean is, are you in love with who he really is, or are you in love with the man you'd like him to be? If you're in love with who he really is then he is right, you need to accept him the way he is, because although people DO change, you can't expect ANYONE to change for someone else. Life just doesn't work that way. So if you can't accept him for who he is, then you're not being fair to either one of you.
However, if you're in love with the man you'd like him to be, then perhaps it's time to take off the rose-colored glasses and take the time to learn who he really is. Then and only then can you know for sure which man you love.
I hope things work out for both of you.
Safiyah
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