**UPDATE**Competetive friend.....need advice

Hi, I need some advice on how to address "politely" a competetive friend of mine.

Here goes, she is my walking buddy at work so we chit chat on breaks. 2 years ago she go serious about loosing weight, almost obsessive about it and I was stuck in a rut (very depressing) I couldn't get myself to kick it in gear....well, last September I started counting calories and have lost almost 25 lbs but still would love to loose the last infamous "10 lbs" so I need the walking during the day along with my gym after work.

So, my issue with her is, if I speak of an accomplishment of mine with her, like I ran a 10K without walking ( I was so proud of myself!!) she always has something to top it like she runs 8 min miles and doesn't count her distance......or it also goes the other way, when we talk about our teenagers, she will always shift the conversation to focus on how my girls are more rebelious than hers, etc. Oh, and she has the "perfect" marriage, no trust issues, so much "together" time, blah, blah,....... I find myself more frustrated after walking than refreshed on most days.

Bottom line, I like having support to get me up and moving during the day, I'm just not sure how to let her know I don't feel equal to her most of the time.... and we still have to work together in a dept. of 10 people.....I know others here are also frustrated with her but I am the only one who "breaks" with her...I sometimes feel stuck

have you seen that kristen wiig skit on SNL?  she does this, only waaay over the top.  it's hilarious (i'll look for a link).

people like this just don't know how to carry on a conversation.  she's not likely to change.  just for entertainment's sake, you could try making up things that she can't top :)

If she's making things up to "top" you, then she's obviously feeling insecure about herself next to you. You should take pride in knowing her lil' "secret". hehe

But it's still extremely annoying, yeah. I would also just start making things up to top her stories, and see how extreme she'll go. Eventually she will either run out of ideas, or her stories will get so far fetched you could sell 'em to tabloids. LOL

IPod

ugh, I guess I'm not as tolerant as the others!  I would just find a way of getting out of walking with her, put some good music on my iPod, and enjoy the fresh air without the annoyance!

sorry I know I'm not helpful but I cannot deal with people like that - especially those who can't just be happy for you about your accomplishments without feeling they need to "top" it.  I have no tolerance for that...

And btw, CONGRATULATIONS on your 10K!! 

a one-upper, eh?

I usually disregard everything they say. And I certainly would not give out any ammo (like the teenagers stuff). I have 1 friend like that and DH has another. Whatever happened to you, it happened to them but bigger and better.

So I don't tell them anything. I'm pretty good about shutting up when I don't like how you converse. (not that my activity HERE would indicate that. haha)

It's also possible that she doesn't realize what she's doing. I sometimes respond to people by telling a story from my life, and realize half way through that it sounds like I think I'm better/my issues are more important/there is no hope for her situation, etc.

I had an acquaintance like that once.  She was always hijacking the conversation to highlight the things she could do that I couldn't, or saying things like, "I can't believe you can't  ______ like I can."  It took me a few months to realize that people like her are not only very insecure, they are also pathological social leeches.  Parasites.  People like this do not make friends, they attach to hosts and slowly drain them.  You will feel a lot better if you stop taking walks with her.  Get a portable music player, even if it's only a radio, and use the walk-time as alone-time.  You'll feel so much better!  As to what to tell her, you are perfectly within social propriety to simply say you need some alone time.  Which is true. 

The leech-girl I knew got married and I took the opportunity to cut her out of my life completely. 

If you really truly don't care about what she has to say just ignore her and make it obvious that you don't care and she'll stop.

This is great, and FUNNY!! I needed an upper today. Some of her "little secrets" could be sold to the tabloids!!

I have tried to distance myself from her a few times before when I felt overwhelmed with the whole situation and she makes me feel guilty with things like "what, you don't like me anymore?? (sad face)" so I end up giving in. Even one time, I flat out took her aside and said "listen here, I may sound "Bi***y" but I really find this offensive______." After that "talk" it was better for awhile but here I am again.......I just thought someone might have some magic phrase for me to politely let her know how she comes off. But, actually, I think being the bigger adult and not coming down on her is best, at least for my conscious.

Erinread, you are so right, it is like a leech, SO draining...and my poor hubby, I'm sure he's tired of hearing me crab about it at home but he tries to be supportive and not offend me with negative comments because she is suppose to be my friend....

I think you are all right, some people are just so shallow or self-consumed that they have no idea how offensive they can be....This almost sounds like teenager stuff.....not something I want to relive!

Think POSITIVE and surround yourself with positive!! we all need support for everyone has their own private battles they're fighting.

I had a roomate who was a horrible "one-upper". She always answered anything you would say to her with a sentence beginning with "well, that's ok, because I..."

One time my boyfriend and I decided to test her to see how many times in a row she would follow one of our comments with a sentence beginning with "I" "my" "we" or some other reference back to herself....we made it through 9 before she seemed to give up. It was really funny!!

Original Post by pgeorgian:

have you seen that kristen wiig skit on SNL?  she does this, only waaay over the top.  it's hilarious (i'll look for a link).

people like this just don't know how to carry on a conversation.  she's not likely to change.  just for entertainment's sake, you could try making up things that she can't top :)

Haha, i googled this and found it!

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/saturday-ni ght-live-skit-penelope-at-driving-school/2862 013837

AND I do think it would be fun to make up things and see what happens, maybe it'll jar her and snap her out of this kind of behavior..if not, it could be fun. ALSO, I do recommend an iPod or some other music holding device and turn it up, or maybe walk faster?!

Hope for the best!

one uppers never stop. It won't matter how you react. Life is always better or worse for them than it is for anyone else at any time in the history of the world. You could try to pre-top her stories, you could make a point to obviously ignore her, you could try to reason with her and ask her to stop, you could smile and pretend you are listening, etc. Won't matter. That's how she is.

You cannot change them, so you have to change the one thing you can change - how you choose to react. You can allow it to tick you off, or you can work on your ability to tune her out and file everything she says under "doesn't matter".

I love the iPod idea. Alternatively, find a more pleasant friend that can meet you for walks and lunch.

I have had some success with a one-upper using a variation of the "kill them with kindness" technique (my favourite way of dealing with mean people).  I act really interested and wowed by their accomplishments and ask them tons of questions about how great they are as people.  I go on and on about how amazing it is that they can do _____________.  It works especially well if you can bring in a third party, and even interupt a conversation to highlight the one-upper's one-upmanship. 

If it doesn't work to quell the one-upmanship, at least it is good for a laugh, especially if there are some onlookers who are in on it.

Original Post by jahmela:

Original Post by pgeorgian:

have you seen that kristen wiig skit on SNL?  she does this, only waaay over the top.  it's hilarious (i'll look for a link).

people like this just don't know how to carry on a conversation.  she's not likely to change.  just for entertainment's sake, you could try making up things that she can't top :)

Haha, i googled this and found it!

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/saturday-ni ght-live-skit-penelope-at-driving-school/2862 013837

AND I do think it would be fun to make up things and see what happens, maybe it'll jar her and snap her out of this kind of behavior..if not, it could be fun. ALSO, I do recommend an iPod or some other music holding device and turn it up, or maybe walk faster?!

Hope for the best!

That was SOOOO funny!! This is why I spend so much time on CC, for support and great advice!! BTW, I know Kermit, too! 

This has issue has been chewing at me for quite some time and all these responses today have be great, it's been like a breath of freshair knowing that there are others out there who have encountered their own "one-uppers".

Walking with my IPod & faster has many many benefits, I think that's the kindest route to take, and who knows, maybe that "last 10 lbs" will whittle away faster without her dragging behind me!!

lol that video was hilarious. just start calling your friend "Penelope" all the time and when she asks why you call her that show her the video...

She sounds like a narcissist and they can't live without attention. I feel for you because it's hard to get along at work with this type of personality. I know someone who gets roped into lunch everyday at work. If my friend doesn't comply the guy sulks and tries to make my friend feel guilty. Then at lunch the jerk plays devil's advocate the whole time and acts like he knows everything. The leech comment was perceptive. All I can offer you is sympathy. I have a horror of narcissists because they can be very mean when you don't give them what they want. I'm sad for you that you can't just avoid her. Also bragging about one's kids is just plain ol' bragging. I noticed that a lot of narcissists like to brag about their kids because it makes them seem nice and caring (which they are not). It's the socially acceptable way to brag--no one can call you out on it.

I'm not good at being nice to people, but I can maybe make you feel better?

"8 min miles and doesn't count her distance"

WHATEVER.  A 10k is WAY more impressive than that.  I ran crosscountry for 3 years and there were TONS of girls who could run something like that but couldn't do a real distance run.  Those kinds of girls sure didn't come in first in our big races.

At first, I was going to tell you to honestly say, "Hey, you know it makes me feel really **** when you do this, if you can't stop, I'm going to need to start walking on my own."  But, then I saw that you ALREADY told her how you feel... I dunno man.  Maybe tell her again, and give her the ultimatum this time, and if she keeps doing it, just start walking on your own.  Honestly, being tolerant is all well and good, but if its causing you stress, and its causing you to bitch at home to your husband, than this could actually impede your progress, for two reasons.  The first, is that stress can cause weight gain or a stoppage of loss, and the second, because she's making your exercise NOT FUN.  That sucks.  Your other option, if you want to continue walking with her and not hate every second, is imagine her crying.  Think about how small she really is, and the fact that she needs to tell you all these things about her life.  No one's life is THAT perfect.  She's lying.  Which means she's miserable, which means you should pity her.  Think of her crying, and find a place of compassion. All her BS is just that. That's how I deal with people who irritate the crap out of me lol...

Original Post by ezzied:

If she's making things up to "top" you, then she's obviously feeling insecure about herself next to you. You should take pride in knowing her lil' "secret".

Seconded. Instead of trying to top her, you might make yourself a secret game of seeing how supportive you can be. She runs 8 min. miles? Wow, how fantastic, you wish you could do that, and so on. All about her, and forget about trying to get her to be interested in you. As for the support you wish you could get from her, hopefully you can get it from home, or other friends.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

just for entertainment's sake, you could try making up things that she can't top :)

LOL!!!!