Upset over a comment at the gym :(

So...I joined a gym some time ago and for many months I was good about going. After a little while, one of the gym guys started telling me how fantastic I was looking and that I was losing a lot of weight. I was pleased I guess, but also a little uncomfotable. Not sure why.

Then life stuff intervened and I fell off the wagon...I gained back some of the weight I had lost and didn't go to the gym for a number of months. Finally, I went back. I ran into the same guy who said I was looking good. I said "Aw thanks...I've been kind of bad lately. Fell off the wagon."  And he said "Well maybe a little, but nothing like you used to be. I mean, a few months ago you were huge!" And he spreads his arms out to show me how "huge" I was. Then he makes some comment about "you girls who gain and lose a lot...like Oprah."

Okay, I don't think he meant to be mean or anything...but the thing is, I've only lost about 3 or 4 kg since the time he says I was so "huge" and now. Second, even when I was heavier, I never, ever felt..."huge." I always thought I looked fairly decent. :(   I don't know why, but now I feel really depressed and I'm finding it hard to go back to the gym. I keep thinking that people are looking at me and thinking that I'm huge. I realize now that people are thinking a whole bunch of unflattering things that they'll never say until they think it's safe to do so. My confidence has really taken a dive and I just feel like hiding out at home now. I even feel reluctant to go take a shower because I'm going to have to be naked in there with my "hugeness."  Ugh.

I need words of wisdom, please. :(

It sounds to me like you were hit on by a social retard. He sees you working out, likes what he sees, and comes over to make chitchat. He just has no social skills and his compliment ends up being a HUGE slap in the face.

I say you just shrug off the guy, acknowledge that there will always be **** (and people who can't flirt to save their life), and move on. Maybe go buy some clothes that make you feel really sexy (and never wear them near the creep at the gym). If you turn the encounter around, you can just take pride in the fact that he took notice in the first place!

Edit: Oh, haha, I somehow completely failed to notice that this site has profanity filters up.  Ooooops.  XD

This guy is a stranger and doesn't know your body like you do.  So, I wouldn't take his comments seriously.  BTW, what he referred to was a stereotype and for that reason alone, he's an idiot.  ("you girls who gain. . .")

You probably have changed some shape even if not that many pounds and for that reason you are likely carrying yourself differently, have better posture and can suck it in better.  I know I'm feeling more like a thinner person even though I have lost less than 5 lbs. 

Don't worry about other people.  That worry won't help you meet your goals. 

remember you are doing this for you~ .... so you take you to the gym and do for you what you need to do.

Next.. safe to do ... is a very nice of putting it but this is the society we live in.

I had my dear husband saying (loss of 20lbs) - oh i remember how big you got after our second child - we have three - and I was like 'What? ... so after like 5 times of saying the same thing

I said.. ok i got your point but now stop ok .. because remember it is I who lived w/ the weight .. I dont need you reminding me...

So you see we get it from all sides....

So get back to the gym... do for you plus you are the one paying for it.. no one else....

Good luck~

do not hide your beautiful self.

I highly doubt you were huge.  I highly doubt he meant what he said.  you can never really know what people are thinking, which is why you have to be confident in what YOU think.

for me:  I KNOW I am huge, and I still have to get out there and work it.

plus:  only women know how to do the compliment-shuffle.  example: "you look great!"  "yeah?  I kind of fell off the wagon for a while."  "no, really!  you look even better than before!"  "I don't know, maybe a little bit."  "no, a lot!"

when a man compliments you - take it.  cause he doesn't know how to battle a self-effacing war.

Oh, Jenniferger, I don't blame you for being hurt but please don't throw the baby out with the bath water! Poor guy just doesn't know how to make conversation without sticking his foot in his mouth. Thank your lucky stars that you don't have to live with him! Don't let him stop you from taking care of yourself. I would keep going back but avoid more than a 'hello'. I've had to do that with more than one gym rat. Actually I think socially stupid people are more prevalent in the gym.  Don't know why...maybe that's where they hid out. ?  But I do know: It's NOT you, it's HIM.

Haha...some of your replies made me chuckle. :) 
Thanks a lot, and you're all right of course.

...now I just need to gather up the courage to pack that gym bag... >|>

My words probably aren't gonna be too "wise" since I'm pretty angry at the world MYSELF right now...But I definitely have soooo many wiseass words for that guy...oh, if I had ONLY been there with you!.

Jeez. First of all, what a loser that guy sounds like. Total moron and he deserved to get lipped right off(again, I wish I was there to stick-up for you and our gender...That Oprah comment just makes me cringe)

And I so know how it feels to be spoken to that way and to feel like you wanna just run and hide when you're at the gym and not feeling as hot as you once were...I know what it feels like to feel inadequate and insecure and SIZED-UP.

I guess this is where my wisdom kicks in: NEVER, and I mean NEVER act in a manner that suggests to people(especially GUYS) that their opinion of your body means squat to you unless you know them well, and trust them enough to give you the encouragement and advice you NEED in a vulnerable state. Sometimes you can't be honest about that stuff. Some people talk that way because it makes THEM feel better and superior...They strip you of your positive energy and feed on it.

Affirm to yourself every second of the day that you DO NOT need to justify the way you look or live to ANYBODY...EVER...AT ANY TIME. REMIND YOURSELF: I have the right to be here. Say in your mind, "I deserve to be here, and if you doubt that for a second, I'll give you a billion reasons to wish YOU could run and hide"(I know that sounds vicious, but I must remind you...I'm a little angry right now LOL)

And next time somebody tells you you look good....The better response would be somethin like "yeah I FEEL good" or better yet, if you're feeling cheeky, wink and say "Yeah I know I lookz guuuud" because you know what? The only person you have to really be attractive to is YOURSELF, and that will be the catalyst for you to keep feeling good about yourself, giving you the strength to keep going. Don't put your confidence in the hands of ANYONE. Defend your confidence, and fiercely protect your self-esteem, because it's all you got. Mind-games can have a huge effect on people, so play the right ones with YOURSELF to put you on the winning end, instead of the losing one.

Screw everybody who doubts you. EMPOWER yourself. Because you're awesome.

Original Post by julia_xenakis:

plus: only women know how to do the compliment-shuffle.

Absolutely hilarious

Also true.

Jenniferger, I agree with what one poster said. The guy was probably hitting on you and just doing a very bad job of it. That doesn't make it any more better, but he probably WAS socially retarded and just did not know what to say. So he spewed something out. Please go back to the gym and you know what? Just ignore him. If he doesn't get the point, it's his loss and your gain!

he probably meant it to come out differently, like 'wow you've done so well so far, i can see big improvements!' but it backfired.  don't worry :)

You know what I say?! Use him as motivation!

What he said is obviously an exaggeration, and if anything he probably meant to strike a convo with you and thought if he joked with you you'd find him funny. But this was a big NO NO!

Use his comment as pure motivation, I'll tell you a little story that will give you inspiration . . .

Some months ago (after xmas i had gained weight - the heaviest I've ever been - and obviously girls at school are just waiting to bitch at you!) So i went back and she says "oh you've gained weight haven't you, oh but I don't mean that in a bad way, it's nice to see you curvy"

To this I thought (and excuse my language) $/*% YOU! so the next few months I worked my arse off at the gym and now I'm the thinnest Ive ever been. So i bump into her again and she was shocked and I said "oh you haven't lost much weight have you after all this time?"

Haha, revenge is best served cold :)

Excuse me ladies, but it isn't only men who make rude insensitive comments about other people's weight.  I have heard my share from women I know, including my wife with her, "I don't see any difference" after I had lost over 40 pounds and 4 inches from my waist, or one of the teachers at my daughter's school with her, "I can attest to that" after I commented that I used to be much bigger after I had lost about 90 pounds.  I am losing weight and working out for one person.  Me.  If you waste energy worrying about what other people think, it just gives you stress, which is counterproductive for weight loss.

The biggest difference I have seen in the way that insensitive or rude people comment on my weight loss is that the men will come straight out and insult me, while the women use innuendo or backhanded compliments.

I am sorry he said that!  He was out of line - you were right to be uncomfortable the first time around!  Why should he be commenting on your body?  Honestly, I would complain to the management at the gym.  He has no right to be saying things like that to you, and you might prevent another similar situation for someone else.

Do try and forget his comment though, he clearly doesn't know what he is talking about, you know your body best!

I hate gyms.

I have a treadmill at home and use it to run/walk and then I have weights which I use to do a variety of exercise dvd's.

ah, screw 'em!

at my gym today - i see one guy tap another next to him & point to me as I'm adjusting my headphones & starting my running workout-- i immediately hit mute- bc i have to hear..

the dude says "she's got the upper back of a teenage boy & a fat ass--"

ummm, ok, so I lift weights & have a nice V back & very good shoulders from heavy training - I AM PROUD OF - i carry most my fat in the butt/legs... my self esteem hit the floor and i wanted to leave...

then i started running harder-- bc i was angry- thinking of every insult i could call him, i wanted to get off & actually punch the dude bc he was skinny-- but anyway

i got angry enough to finally just catch his eye in the mirror enough to give him a very obvious and negative head shake along with the most heinous, ugly, gut turning stare at some ridiculous dude that any beautiful and in shape woman woman could give to a small man such as him--

he was affected- he looked down at himself like his fly was open, he got self conscious, then tried to work out harder- like i was - after 5 minutes at running not even close to my speed- he got off the machine and just slink away--

good!

i told my husband- he was like- you should have just kicked his ass because you could with your body & muscle! LOL

anyway- i turned what could have been my own demise, or his into making him feel like crap- and I am still the hard core weight lifting triathlon training chick that i am... and beautiful to boot!

don't let it stop you-- DO IT FOR YOU & NO ONE ELSE!!!

I'm so sorry that you had that happen to you at the gym.

Jenniferger, you are in that gym for yourself.. Just like anyone else.. No one has the right to come and say anything to you out of the way.. I'm a person who thinks like this in the gym... DON'T GET INTO MY SPACE! When I am their I am there for one reason only.. I'm their to let this nice woman (my trainer) Kick my butt into shape.

A man came up to me and said to me.. You look good.. I said. Thank you. I tossed my head, and I walked away.. As long as I've been coming into that gym, he never said a word to me at all.. NEVER! My trainer told me when I asked her to train me what to watch out for.. I didn't believe her when she said, she sees this all the time..

She told me, the men in the gym will look at a girls face and the rest of her body... She told me.. The will watch them for weeks, sometimes even months and the notice the same little things you do about yourself. She said, it happens everytime..  She said. I whip them into shape, and the wrong words whip them right out the door. Just because they seen this man here time after time, and he never said nothing to her before.

She said, sometimes I feel they are doing just for fun..

She said to me.. DO NOT I REPEAT.. LET THEM GET INTO YOUR SPACE. I told her, you haven't said anything I didn't know..  I do not let them get into my space. I go in, and I do my hour workout, and I go on my marry way.. Sweat towel around my neck, and gym bad on my shoulder. I'm out the door.

Rick one of the trainers came up to me, and said. That boy has been eyeing you. BECAREFUL.

So you go back to that gym, and you sweat and work your butt off, and you don't listen to the words these people have to say.. Women at the gym can say the wrong words too I must add this one.. A girl came up to me, and asked me.. So how many diets have you been on. The first thing that came out of my month was......... WDF!

SO! I am asking you to go back to the gym, and get back on track.. Don't let one bad comment push you out the door.. OKAY!

Take your place in your own weight loss race.. Go back. Hold your head up, and do this for yourself. I've fallen off the wagon many times, and I've gotten up and I dusted myself off. TAKE YOUR PLACE.. Don't let no one push you away from getting you into a better place.. TAKE IT! If you want it.. GO after it, and don't stop because of 1- JA

Lynn

I am gonna come out on the side of the guy.  I hang out with a lot of socialy awkward guys, and I think he was trying to be nice.

He pointed out Oprah, because he thought that would make you think that he was a caring guy that might be into the same stuff as you.  He talks to you because he likes you.  Maybe if you gave him a chance and spent some time with him, you would like him, too.

The dorks of the world normally don't mean any harm.  They just don't know how to communicate well.  He was probably tossing and turning with embarassment all night because of how he "blew it" when he was talking to a cute girl.

I have always dated dorks, and I am a proud fangirl dork myself.  We can just be a little awkward to non dorks.