Getting used to my body now...

At my heaviest I weighed somewhere around 230 pounds. I'm down to 155 which I realize is a big loss. I went from a size 22 to a 10 but I have such a distorted view of how I look. My sister asked me to point out someone I thought was the same size as me and I chose a girl who she said was about 30 pounds heavier then I am. I avoid so many stores at the mall because I keep thinking that their clothes will be too small for me. My boyfriend and I were painting our kitchen and he was standing on the counter to get above the cabinets. His arm got tired and he asked me to step up there and finish. I started shaking my head and telling him that I didn't want to. After about five minutes he got me to admit that I was afraid I was too heavy to stand on the counter (I once broke a table by sitting down hard on it at my heaviest weight). He said "Honey, you know I weigh about 20 pounds more then you and I was up there. You can stand up there. Its fine."

I haven't weight 230 in almost three years. I've been at this weight for almost 5 months. How long does it take to get used to the idea that my body is physically different? I tend to feel guilty after I eat...even if what I ate was healthy. I'm eat anyway. I know that I have to in order to stay healthy but I'm afraid of gaining it all back. Does this paranoia ever go away?

That is pretty normal but I can't tell you how long it takes to go away.  I always think someone who weighs about 30 lbs more than me.  I am 30 lbs below my highest weight.
  I can't imagine how bad I will be when I get to my goal.  That is about 60 more lbs.

I've got the opposite problem...I really think that I'm about 30 lbs lighter than I actually am!  Good thing I lost 20 lbs because it used to be more like 40.  I'm currently at 161.2 (yes, .2 matters).  I think because I did a ton of physical stuff, mainly aikido and judo when I was about 145 lbs (17yo) that I tend to think of myself at that weight.  I was also at that weight for close to 5 years in my late teens and early 20s until I started putting on just a few pounds per year.

I would suggest that you sign up for some physical activities that really make you use your body so that you get used to moving it around at your current weight.  I do dancing, aikido, and now jujitsu...lots of fun for me, but not necessarily for everyone.

Some people say that whatever weight you were at in your teens, that's how you will always perceive yourself.  I haven't reached my goal weight yet so I can't tell you.  But I can say that as I got bigger, I didn't feel as big as I was.  I thought I looked the same, even though my brain knew I was wearing bigger clothes.

My advice is to love yourself at any size - no matter where you are, you are perfect.  Try honest love and acceptance (no easy feat) and maybe you'll be able to change your own perception of where you are.

Some people say that whatever weight you were at in your teens, that's how you will always perceive yourself. 

You know, that's kinda true for me! I mean I don't look at myself and think "yeah, you're still 115lbs" and kiss the mirror but sometimes I see pictures of myself and I audibly gasp.

Yeah, I saw a picture of me when I was in my friend's wedding and I can't believe the difference. I've lost so much weight since then and I have a hard time believing that time have changed.

Its good to know that other people have experienced this also.

Thanks

firelily343 -

I cant tell you when *you* will see it, but I can tell you its possible to change your self-perception.

I was obese my entire life, with my highest weight being ~240lbs (Im 5'6 and currently 29). About 8 years ago I went from 240 to 160 in 1.5 yrs. For a good year or so after the weight loss it was hard for me to conceptualize not being obese.

Although my weight has fluctuated since the original loss, Im at 151 now and I feel about...151 :)

Just give yourself some time.

Oh man. That is so common it is inhumane. I still think I'm chubby, but that's because I've always been chubby. People used to tell me that I was fine, but really I wasn't. Now I think that I'm still overweight sometimes when people say that I'm fine. It's annoying.

Ugh. That reminds me of what happened to me when I lost weight in the past. About four years ago I went from 275lbs (or so) to about 190lbs, which is extremely small for my 6'1" frame! I was finally able to wear a bikini without my flab hangin' off the sides, but I STILL thought I was fat. I'd wear clothes that covered up most of my body because I still felt I was just as big as I was before I lost all that weight. When I looked in the mirror, I still saw a fat girl even though my fat girl clothes were too big for me. So I decided "this is useless" and started eating... then kept eating. I ate my way to 310 pounds, the biggest I've ever been. So far I've only been able to get down to 295 (my current weight). It's SO frustrating knowing that I was, at one point, extremely skinny (people actually thought I was starving myself!) and then ended up gaining more weight than I started off with without having the chance to embrace and enjoy my skinny body! =( DON'T be like me and give up because the image you have of you in your head is different than what others see. You're beautiful! Remember that. =)

Keep on keeping on!
Love and alohas
ihilani

I still think I'm slightly heavier than I actually am, even though I know I'm not anymore.

I went from 235 lbs down to around 160 lbs, and I'm 6'1". My biggest problem right now is actually making sure I eat enough.

That is so interesting about seeing yourself as you were in highschool.  You know, it just might be right about me.  I'm not sure... but I know I never saw myself as being THAT fat.  Even in tight size 22s I didn't see me as being overly fat in my head.  I had to be on video in a training class once and I just hated seeing how large I was.  I always just figured I was on the large end of normal.  I always kinda wondered why I needed to buy such large clothes - I mean - what did ALL the people bigger then me wear?  Tents? 

After having lost 33 pounds, I'm much closer to my mental image and I like that.  Although, I think my mind is still a little warped.  Back when I was over 200 I was in a photo with my baby girl for her naming ceremony.  I hated that photo because I thought I looked so fat.  After a couple years went by and I had gained a bit more weight, I looked back at that photo and didn't think I looked that fat afterall.  Now I look at my 196 pound body (5'8") and think I look pretty good but when I was 170-180 in my early 20s I felt really overweight.

Part of it is expectations maybe - are you happy with being so many inches or whatever.  Who knows.  I do know that whenever I look at pictures of myself from anything over 4 years ago, I think I look so YOUNG and wonder what all the drama was about.  I always regret not thinking I was good enough looking to not worry about it.  You'd think I'd learn. :)  Just, ya know, DECIDE to be happy with your body and leave it at that.

-Robyn

I know for me it was the same way - I was 125 at my lightest and 199 when I started dieting.  I knew I gained weight and I knew I was bigger but I figured I still looked just a little overweight. I was in a wedding in May and I remember thinking I looked so cute in my dress...until I saw the wedding pictures.  I was completely mortified, I looked like a whale.  Bear in mind, this was when I was actually 5 pounds lighter than I was before I started dieting in January.  It propelled me to sign up for some serious classes and even though I'm down to 180 now, I'm always afraid that I look fatter than I think that I do.

I also noticed that when I started dieting I actually think I'm bigger than I used to be, I think because I focus more on the problem areas than I did when I wasn't dieting.  When I was 125 I felt like such a little porker, I hated my stomach because it wasn't as flat as my best friend's, and I hate my big flabby arms, blah blah.  Now I want to go back and kick myself for being so stupid, I wish I was 125 again!!

Hey- sometimes it just takes the brain a little while to catch up to the body. And some before and after pictures might help- you'll look at yourself in a picture at 230 pounds and then in another picture at 155 pounds and think: my god, was that really me? Don't worry, your brain will come around sooner or later. Hopefully sooner.

Hi,  I too have the same problem.  I'm an American living in Italy and my whole life I was heavy, then obese before I moved to Italy.  My God Italy was a blessing and a curse at the same time. Most Italians ( not all) naturally stare at other people by nature, so you can imagine the stares I received  when I arrived. First, when I moved to the south of Italy, I was a good foot taller than most of the women and some men and three times their size.   I felt so horribly subconscience that I didn't even want to go out anywhere with my then fiancé and sometimes he even teased me but not in a mean way. I always took teasing in a mean way because I've heard so many comments that no amount of time can cancel from my memory.  However, there were some Italians would call me beautiful and at first I thought they were pulling my leg or playing a sick joke.  Then their were others who would just stare so it was a mixed of both pleasure and pain.  The ones who called me beautiful gave me a little bit of esteem and I began to lose the weight.   When I arrived in Italy, I weighed well over 300 pounds  and I lost over 100 pounds.   I began to lose weight quickly just with the typical Italian diet that doesn't just consist of lasagna, pasta, but also lots of fruits and veggies. I also go to the gym 6 days a weeks to do cardio e sculpting.  I have to lost 30 to 40 pounds more and maybe even less because of my height.  I see myself in pictures and my old clothes and know that I thinner.  I have even people tell I'm a different person, but I only see fat when I look in the mirror.  I walk pass a car and glaz in a car window and want to faint.   It doesn't help that in Italy Italian women on TV( they use skinny teenaged girls to dance around) seem perfect and  most of them in life are small and petite with what seems perfect features.  I went from a size 28 to 11/12 and it seems they are about a size 5-8 normally.  Even the chubby ones seem slimmer than me.  It leaves me kind of feeling like Everytime I make my mark, someone paints the walls.  I loose and they change the sizes.    The slimmer I become, it seems it's  never enough.  Before when I came to Italy here only 6 years ago, an Italian size 44( 10) was a normal size for most women. I now wear 46(11/12) but also a 44 depending on the cut.  Now, most women are wearing 38(4), 40(6),  or 42(8).  Italian media bomb us with images of young flimsy clothed girls( not women) because they usually are young underweight girls aged 17 to 24 who dance around to look pretty.  Imagine the game show  Who wants to be a millionaire with  a young 17 year old Pam Anderson with 7 other half naked girls dancing around the host  and you have Italian game shows.   The problem is now that girls in Italy as young as 8 years old have eating disorders and one of my students told me that eating was like taking poison. She's 10 years old and is normal.   Changing our body image is difficult and it's difficult even for me in a culture  obsessed with perfection,  it will just have to be part of my battle that I'm winning and I'll win sooner or later. 

I totally understand this idea of distorted body image. I finally hit 135 this morning (down from 168-I'm 5'5'') and I still feel like I look the same. I never really saw myself as overweight until I saw myself in pictures. Weighing myself and looking at BMI charts and photos is the only way I know if I am making progress and at a healthy weight. I always look the same in the mirror. I've been thinking that I need someone to take a full body shot of me so that I have a better idea of my size. I'm still not sure if my goal weight (127) is appropriate for me or not.

I totoally relate, except I always thought I was fat in highschool because I'm tall (5'8) and have a big bone structure and all my friends were 5'2 and 120lbs. I look back now and think "My god! I'd kill to look like that now!" I had a good sort of visualization when I walked out of work yesterday, though. I had a mental image of myself when I reach 145, which is my goal. It made me smile. It made me happy because I thought "when" and not "if" automatically. That makes me feel like my resolve is solid. :)