Used to be fat - thoughts?

I have lost almost 120 pounds in the recent years. (I lost 120 over the course of two years, and have been at my current weight for 1 year now.) I have a new boyfriend. He knew me about 40 pounds ago, so when I say something about weight, he responds that he didn't think I was that big. Well... he didn't KNOW me when I was big.

Here's my question - do tell him how heavy I was, or show him pictures? He'll eventually see pictures at my parents' house or something. Or he'll see my awful passport photo. UGH!!! I've maintained it for over a year. I did not use a fad diet - it was a lifestyle change thanks to Weight Watchers and almost daily running. But I'm afraid I will scare him off. I know we should love people for who they are, blah blah, but let's be real - there has to be some physical attraction for a relationship to work. Thoughts please???

Might as well tell him now - since it's a new relationship, might as well find out if he's shallow!

I'd also be tempted to tell him but leave it a few weeks until you've got the full measure of his character...  No point baring your soul to just anyone.  I'd treat it in a lighthearted way like 'Remember Monica in 'Friends'?....'   If he can see that you're not bothered about it he'll probably not take it too seriously.  Most people, in my experience, take you as they find you.

Oh god, i have the exact same dilemma. When i go to see him in february, he's gonna look at my passport photo and be like. "oshyt, really?" o_O haha. I dont mind TOO MUCH, i dont look that fat in it. But i debate on showing him old pictures, i dont know, im too ashamed. I show others, because im proud of my accomplishments, i guess i just dont want him to see me in a different light. I dont know. Why ruin his perception of you? I think i'll keep it to myself, until he finds out by snooping through my old photos or something, im sure he'll understand why i never wanted to show him.

Maybe I'm totally missing the point but surely you should be ridiculously proud of yourself?! Like "Look how I used to look and look how amazing I look now! I lost 120 POUNDS!!!!!!! I worked so hard and didn't it just pay off??!!"

Surely it would be a compliment for him to be shocked or whatever? Obviously if he says something like "Well I never would have gone out with you back then" or something then he is shallow, but I'd think he'd just be really proud of you and be really happy for you

I would tell, but would not show the pics yet since you don't feel comfortable with it.  But it was part of your life and all great relationships should be based on honesty... Once you tell, he can help you keep up with your current lifestyle and maybe be more supportive and understanding (not bringing or taking you to restaurants with poor food choices, bringing flowers instead of chocolates etc...)  I believe your current life style is very important to you and it should be. Therefore, I believe it is critical that he knows the truth... Showing the pics when you are ready later on in the relationship when you feel the timing is right will be probably better.  However, I would not test him to see what he thinks of fat people etc.   Good luck and congratulations. You are an inspiration to me in loosing so much weight. I am 232 hoping to be 155 in a year or two with a lifetime commitment to  my lifestyle changes! PS- you will also know how he would feel if you gain 70 lbs while pregnant and then work hard to get back to your regular weight again... 

The way I see it is that you should tell him about your weight, and really explain to him how much you've overcome to get to where you are. He should understand, and even possibly help you stay on track. From what you've said, he doesn't seem to mind the weight - he met you "40 pounds ago" and didn't mind. So he should be proud of what you've accomplished.

We're talking about photos in the past. We all have them and they are all parts of our lives - hiding them may just nag away at you. But remind yourself, and your boyfriend, that what's most important are the possible photos in the future.

I used to be 260 in my mid twenties. I am now 120 in my early forties. And I've heard over and over, "Oh my God, I can't believe you were that heavy! Ugh! I will never be that heavy again!

I totally agree with cydonia9. You should be so proud of your accomplishment! It's definitely not an easy thing to do. It requires determination and perseverance. I wouldn't have even given this a second thought....

I would treat it the same way as sexual/romantic relationships in your past.  A new love doesn't need to know every gory detail, but they do need to have a general idea of what went on before they knew you.  But, I would also wait until you are sure that it is a long term relationship, and that you feel comfortable showing yourself completely to him.

I would tell him, if I were the guy in that situation I would see you as a successful woman who is able to reach her goals and honor her commitments to herself. That says a lot in judge of character and for me would be attractive. If he can not accept this, he is one shallow son of a bitch.

When I met my boyfriend I was 80 pounds lighter than I was before I met him.  I told him and showed him the pictures.  I am proud of my accomplishments, why would you ever be worried about him knowing the truth?

If he really loves you, he won't care about a few old pictures.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my fiancee. While never having been in >100 pounds overweight category, I've never been healthy BMI either, about 20 pounds overweight most of my life. Nevertheless I asked him how he would feel if I did put on weight after we got married, since there is a tendency in my family to be big. (He used to be pretty fat as a teenager and then lost it all to become very trim and toned). He thought about it seriously and said that he would probably suggest a conversation about health since that is the most important thing, but he wouldn't care otherwise.

So 13 years after that conversation, 2 babies (and all the attendant weight gain) later, I am happily married still to that dear dear man. I put on some weight, but am now in the process of losing it with his support and positive reinforcement, "I'm so glad you're doing this in a healthy, gimmick-free way!" He also started calorie counting when I did. It was support, he doesn't need to lose any weight!

I would wish this for you. Get to know him, and then have a serious conversation about the future. The past is gone, but you want to build a future with him.

Original Post by gi-jane:

I'd also be tempted to tell him but leave it a few weeks until you've got the full measure of his character...  No point baring your soul to just anyone.  I'd treat it in a lighthearted way like 'Remember Monica in 'Friends'?....'   If he can see that you're not bothered about it he'll probably not take it too seriously.  Most people, in my experience, take you as they find you.

LoL!!!!  gi-jane that is great.  OP please introduce the topic in this way!

I never thought about this problem - gosh.  Tough decision for me, since I like to play it off as "natural" so as not to seem looks-obsessed or high strung.

Having lost a "mere" 36 lbs, I sometimes call myself "Fat Girl Incognito". Don't even waste your time on a man so shallow he would disrespect you for having lost a lot of weight. I won't even consider a man who disrespects fat people. Anyone who does such a stupid thing has absolutely NO IDEA what a challenge it is to lose the weight. In addition, whether it's weight, or disfiguring surgery, or hair loss from chemo........if he cuts and runs over the mere idea that you might gain some weight back he would kick you to the curb the minute you were no longer physically "perfect".

I wouldn't want to be with someone if I couldn't tell them something like that. That is a very important part of your life, and an accomplishment that shouldn't be belittled by keeping it secret like it's something to be ashamed of. If I was dating someone and they told me a story like yours, I think I'd be rather impressed actually.

Does anyone look good in their passport photo?

I like the Monica approach too.  Be positive about it, you have done so well.  It's a great achievement, so tell him in a happy and strong way, not in an anxious way. 

And then leave it.