afowler8's Journal

Self Learning
Nov 09 2009 12:45

I have been on a journey of self discovery this past year.  And just last week realized how much of my emotions I keep locked in. 

On 10/24, my Grandfather married David and I...  just one week later, he was in ICU and had triple bypass surgery.  SCARY!  He has fully recovered from surgery and is now resting at home. 

I went to the hospital yesterday morning and found out he was getting released...  then I cried.  And cried. And cried.  I had held it all in until I knew he was going to be okay.  Then I collapsed.  I cried and the I slept for hours.

I have to learn to address my feelings and ALLOW myself to feel.  Right now, I go into what I have labeled "Survival Mode" when something goes wrong.  I am an emotionless zombie...  all I do is eat to push the emotions down and I live in a self-pitying mode until it's over.  Then I let myself feel it.  So a lot of my journal entries are going to be based on what I'm feeling-- even if I think it has little to do with weight loss.  That's got to be my focus. :)

Today, I find myself at work, completely unmotivated.  It has been so long since I've had a bonus that I have just forgotten what it feels like.  Part of me doesn't even believe it's possible-- that the economy is just so bad, that there just isn't any point in trying.  I just play on the internet all day.  I've never admitted this to anyone-- I'm hoping by exploring it some today that I'll find a way to get that motivation and spark back.  I want to feel successful again and be someone that people look up to.  When I graduated from college, I was a full-on go-getter.  That was just 4 years ago.  I KNEW that I could take on the world.  Nothing could scare me, I could do it all!  Now I feel defeated about work--  like I'm dead weight.  Why such a change?  When did I lose that part of myself?  That self belief?  I come to work expecting to fail.  That's not me.  I've always been the person that just goes out and makes stuff happen. 

Obviously, I'm not in love with what I do.  But it's my best option right now-- this is not the time to voluntarily leave a job.  Especially one that comes with this much security.  So I need to continue exploring what I would like to do after this-- but make this job work for me as much as possible in the mean time. What I would LOVE to do, is go back to school to get my Master's degree and be a therapist.  I really think that would be so rewarding for me.  I just have to finacially be in a place that I can do it. That's the hard part. 

Someone said something to me last week that really made me think.  We were discussing the situation with my Grandfather and it was the day of his surgery.  I was a little nervous and anxious all day.  I knew he was in a Great hospital, but just couldn't relax.  This is what the guy said to me: "Amy, you just have to trust.  Being a heart surgeon is a gift.  Not just anyone can do that.  To be able to do that with the same hands that you and I have, that's a gift from God."   It made me think (mostly because I grew up wanting to be a DR).  It wasn't my path to get to go to medical school.  But what are my gifts from God?  Am I using them?