agruskin's Journal

Amy!

you sounds super frustrated in your recent posts.  it sounds like you are feeling hopeless about some things: your tummy, liking exercise..maybe just feeling "better" in general?  i'm not sure if i'm reading too much into your posts, but i just want to support you in all of the amazing progress you've been making lately and invite you to hold that progress in balance with these frustrations.  it's not uncommon to feel these kinds of movements forwards and backwards right after one another.  the most important thing is to just hang on for the ride.

with regard to your exercise, it's no wonder you hate it if you do it from a place of "i have to."  we learn to hate most things that we feel forced to do.  i think it might be good to take some serious time away from exercise until you can find a way to establish a better relationship with it.  when you're trying to gain, you should NOT be exercising in order to eat more.  you should just be eating more.  if you are trying to be active in hopes of helping your tummy 1) it hasn't been doing the trick and 2) try to be more active in your day-to-day (e.g., take an extra stroll or two through the hallways at school, do some extra cleaning around the house, etc.) without engaging in formal exercise.

and, for the love of god, get a new GI doc!!

thank you for making fun of me for calling myself tipsy at the wedding.  i was just drunk.  it was bad. i still cringe when i think about it.  i'm totally in time out for a while with that stuff.  i leave for nyc next thursday and have soooo much to do in prep for the conference. i've been up to my elbows in messy messy data. it's going to be a long weekend.

i'm nervous about the cold in nyc.  i'll bring my new jacket, but i don't like the thought of being cold constantly.  ugh. 

i think you asked about my hamstring in your last note?  i ran today nearly to full speed...the first time at this speed since i injured myself.  it felt good and i think i could have pushed more, but i'm really trying to be "good."  of course, i hurt my shoulder bench presses yesterday.  i'm such an old lady at the moment.  so sad!!

how did your spaghetti squash casserole come out?  i hadn't ricotta in a long time but used it in a casserole a few weeks ago myself and rediscovered how amazing it is!!  i hope you enjoyed your food!  someone brought in some AMAZING belgian chocolate to the office today.  it seriously made me melt. 

my brother had to go to hong kong today to get his work visa.  my mother called me in a panic about it this AM and i had to remind her that he's almost 30 and is able to take a trip like this on his own.  lord.  :)

ok lady.  i hope you're finding some peace tonight.  if i could steal your frustration from you, i would.  you deserve to feel proud of yourself right now EVEN if it's hard.

laura

I agree with laura that you should not be exercising if you're doing it in the mindset of "I have to exercise to eat" - that's not healthy. You'd be healthier NOT exercising and teaching yourself that it is perfectly fine to eat on sedentary days too.

Of course exercise is good for the body but when you are recovering from an ED that shouldn't be your priority, it's healing the mind that's most important and to do that you need a healthy attitude.

I don't mean to knock your progress, I think you're doing awesome esp given the digestive issues you are dealing with... I'm just worried because the "I need to exercise" mentality can be a very dangerous path to go down.

Take care and hope you're having an awesome day xox

i dont know quite what to add but i just wanted you to know im thinking of you and hang on in there xxx

Amy,

Exercise is good for us. I think its so hard for a healing mind to separate between healthy and unhealthy amounts or reasons for something. If I ate a fruit salad, for example, and it had once been my "safe" food, it might still be triggering, but it's also good for me. I think your moderate exercise is good, but feeling TRAPPED isn't good.

I feel trapped. I'm in there with you. I cannot imagine that I am permitted to eat if I don't run. My body feels like its falling apart and yet when I talk to other competitve runners and they feel fine, I am pushed forward.

It sounds like your body is truly healing and as your are on the cusp of true health and something wonderful, your ED factors are trying to pull you back down. Think of it as that FINAL climax in a movie - you know, where the main character is SO CLOSE to either losing a love or getting caught or killed or something like that, but then they escape and there is a happy ending - this can be your happy ending. Try to think of moderate exercise as good to your body, good for your digestive system, and supportive of food - but don't think of it in terms of calories. I wish I could find a dance DVD or something that you'd love! Then exercise wouldn't be a labor. You don't overexercise, but I know that memory is there. I really hope you can work through it.

Oh I was stuck in this same mindset when I was doing my first recovery attempt back in March. Unfortunately, I never got out of it and ended up relapsing. When I began recovery again in August, I felt the same way. As strange as this sounds, I had to 'prove' to myself that I could still eat a decent amount with very little to no exercise. I went about 1 or 2 weeks eating 2500-3000 with NO EXERCISE AT ALL, and was surprised that I gained hardly anything at all! I found that to be extremely helpful, and I no longer think of things that way anymore. Maybe you could try the same? Like bsh0611 said, I think this is the final stretch. If you can overcome this, you're pretty much home free. I wish you the best of luck!! :)

And thanks for all the advice you've given me in your other journal :)