alicandra's Journal

Ugh... I can never control myself around food when it gets hot!!! Grrrrr... I didn't do too badly in the way of calories, I'm just upset with myself about not having control and just eating mindlessly... I ate so much crap and didn't even enjoy it...

Breakfast

Breakfast Cereal - Corn Flakes, Crunchy Nut

 

  30 117

Milk - Semi Skimmed

 

 

  60 29

Revels

 

  35 168  

Lunch

 

Salad Dressing, Kraft Mayo Light Mayonnaise

 

A- 15 50

Olives, Ripe, Canned (Small-extra Large)

 

C+ 8 9

Old El Paso Flour Tortillas for Burritos

 

C+ 41 130

Yoghurt - Red Cherries, Bio Activia 0%

 

  125 65

Chocolate Crunch Rice Cakes

 

  15 60

Peanut Butter, Chunk Style - With Salt

 

B- 32 189

Crispbread - Sesame

 

819 calories

I want to see the positives - I'm eating again at least - but I feel rubbish right now...

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I've been undereating again. 

There.  I've said it now, out of the way.  It took me 6 months to admit that last time I was in this bad place, I've whittled it down to 3 weeks now.  

500-1200 a day. Not as bad as last time I suppose.  And with less exercise this time as well.  But still too little.

I'm sorry this is so disjointed, I just can't collect my thoughts rationally at the moment.  My 'trigger' was meeting a guy.  This amazing, fantastic, funny, gorgeous guy.  And I can honestly say I have never felt this way about anyone before, and actually had a chance with them.  

Its not that I am doing this 'for' him, per se -  he liked me at this weight, and I wouldn't change for a guy anyway - but he makes me feel.... Like I am not in control of my emotions, or his, and that anything could happen. I wanted to take control of SOMETHING

And it happened to be the food I eat.

Its fine.  I am liable now.  I have been hiding it from everyone, maybe now that someone knows (even if you guys are on the other side of the world) it will force me to take control and eat something. 

Hopefully.

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Firstly, thank you to the two people who posted on yesterday's entry.  I am still shook up about that whole thing, but I can't let people like that get to me, I suppose...

And secondly, I have a sin to admit; I didn't go to the gym yesterday or today!! Yesterday I was too stressed, and today not going is my 'punishment' for not eating enough over the past week; Its been a rough couple of days, and I started seeing food as something I could "control" again. I'm going tomorrow though just before I go to....LONDON!!

Yay, I shouldn't still get so excited about stuff like this, I was over there last week, but something about going to London is really special. Its not my favourite place in the UK (that honour goes to Formby) but it reminds me of being a little girl and going to school trips at the national history or science museum...

I'm going for a week to a climate change action meeting, where a group of us are going to talk to different media outlets about the effects of climate change on the world around us, and how businesses could reduce their carbon emissions. It should be a laugh.

Only thing is, they are providing all our meals, for a week. It feels a bit weird, knowing I will have no real control over what and when I eat for the next week forget that, it feels terrifying to know I'm not going to have control over my food intake for the next week, but maybe it is one of those hurdles I am going to have to overcome if I really want to recover.

Oh, and one of my male friends told me I was "all skin and bone" today - not in an insulting manner, really, he just said that he could tell I was a veggie because I was all skin and bones.  I have never been called that in my life, and I doubt I ever will be again.  I'm not sure how to take it, at all.

*so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully pretty, you know that I'd do anything for you*

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Argh, I have had one of those days that I would just rather forget.  I overate, haven't gone to the gym, lost an egghunt... and some creep threatened to set me on fire. 

I was on a train with some people from college.  I knew one of them through a friend, but we were pretty much strangers.  Nevertheless, we were getting on alright, having the sort of conversation you have when you just meet someone.  

Then this group, who were sitting across the aisle from us, turned to us, and the main guy started giving me jip about how I speak - I'm not the poshest person in the world, and I have a pretty strong accent.  He was giving it all; were you born in a sewer, why the **** do you feel the need to say 'like' so much, why the hell are you speaking like a Yank (that one I really did not get, I do not sound a bit like an American).  Then he got a knife out, and started going on about how much it was pissing him off.

People carrying knives didn't used to really bother me; it was pretty much the norm in my area, its quite rough and they were a method of protection.  But recently, the police have started jailing anyone with a knife, so now the only people who carry them are the sort who don't care about going to prison.  Also, I was not with my usual crowd; the two girls I was with were not the sort to carry knives, unlike my 'local' friends.  But, we were given lessons at school about how to protect yourself against knives, so I was pretty confident I could minimise the damage at least. 

We ignored it, and carried on talking, knowing they were listening in on our conversation and pissing themselves laughing about it.  I honestly could not have cared less about that, but when I mentioned that I had dyed my hair the previous night, the guy said, quite loudly, 'it would look better flame red' then started flicking his lighter, waving the flame towards my hair.  I had no idea what to do.  

Luckily we got off at the next stop, and they made no attempt to follow, so I thought it was over.  But about an hour ago, I went to get on another train, with a different group of friends, and we saw them again.  The main guy obviously recognised me, and said to his mates 'lookie here, its the 'like' girl' when they started laughing like buffoons.  They were talking bloody loud (in the quiet carriage no less) and he was going 'Oh my god, like, I just want to, like, kick her ****ing head in, like'.  At that point someone came over the tannoy and made a comment about the sound volumes in the quiet coach, and after some more swearing they left.  

Anyway, my friends got off at their stop, and I left at mine a few after.  Who should I see, but the guy again.  This time I was alone, and so the second I realised the group were attempting to follow me home I diverted on a route straight to the police station.  As soon as they realised where I was heading they scattered as I had thought they would, but I didn't report them... I wish I had, but to be honest I think the repercussions would have been worse, none of them were old enough to get much jailtime so they would have been able to come after me.

I'm not going to the gym tonight, I am still bricking it about the group; I know they live locally, and I don't want to risk bumping into them just yet.  

^^^^I'm sorry this is so long, its been a rough day and I needed to vent

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Ugh, I just made myself a massive stirfry and it looked properly nice; with some mock beef and nice noodles tossed into my serving just before I plated it.

Anyway, I started eating it and it tasted wrong.  Really really wrong.  So I found the box for the noodles, and they were 'use by November 2007'.  Ugh.  They were rice noodles, but they came with some coating on them which had obviously contaminated it all.  To put the cherry on the cake, the mock beef was 'use by february 2008'.  

Luckily I had put half the sauce and veggies to the side, so I've eaten that for dinner.

I feel really ill now,  and I've under-eaten because of this kerfuffle.  Gah. 

Weight - 145lbs

Projected burn - 3280 calories (2780 as of 6pm)

Calories consumed so far- 917 calories

Calorie target - 1500 calories

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Ugh. Its 2pm here and I have gorged my way through 943 calories already.

I know its not much, but I have not been eating much this week, and it feels really heavy in my IBS-tortured stomach... I need to stop feeling so damned guilty!! Yes, I have eaten 943 cals, but I have burnt 2321 calories in the same time by gymming it...

One day I will beat this.

Weight - 143.4

Projected Burn (so far) - 3090 calories

Calorie target - 2000+ calories

EDIT: Update - I finished on 2054 calories =[ I feel veeeery chubby now, especially as a post on one of the boards just told me I am way off being the perfect weight for my frame =[ BUT I got an A- in nutrition; a small miracle when you consider over 1000 of my calories today are from chocolate (God, how gluttonous do I sound??? I am such a pig...)

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Hey all! Happy Easter!!

I'm not particularly religious, and I live in a predominantly Muslim community, but we all give out easter eggs still =] I think its because, unlike christmas, if you don't celebrate easter there is no real equivalent, and then you don't get the yummy eggs!

Ah yes, the eggs.  I haven't recieved mine yet, but rumour has it I am getting 2 or 3... I'll probably give one to the hospital, let my family share another and then keep the smallest one to myself to eat over a couple of days - last easter I made myself VERY ill on chocolate, I do not want a repeat!!

And my friend is out of hospital, luckily, and seems alright. I was so worried about her; she'd taken 20 strong anadin (paracetamol, aspirin and caffene pills) in a night, then called me and refused to call a paramedic as I told her to. She is smart enough to know 20 wont kill her, but she seemed to think she would get away without harm, which my some small miracle she has...

And my weight is not a thing I can really speak about - I've been heavily restricting again =[ I've just been so stressed by everything, I wanted some control over something, and for the first time really missed that empty feeling that I used to have... I need to *really* take control and start eating again.  I'm on the path today; I've had 300 cals already, which is the same as I've had daily since wednesday =/ 

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel" Johnny Cash

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A close friend of mine overdosed on paracetamol last night. She had 20 extra strength pills in the space of about an hour. She lived, thank heavens. 

I am absolutely devastated.  I cannot get my head around the fact that she would do that... I don't think that its a serious suicide attempt, more a cry for help - she phoned me after she'd taken them, and didn't seemed overly knowledgeable about the dangers.  She's smart enough to know that 20 wont kill you though...

I haven't eaten enough today.  I can't really bring myself to care.

 

 

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Guess what I just found out?

My nan told my 15 year old brother that he was fat on sunday.  I could seriously kill her right now for even suggesting such a thing!

He's 5'10 and around 140lbs.  That is so far from fat that I think he could actually do with gaining a few!

I couldn't give a damn when she makes comments like that to me - anything the old hag says goes straight over me now.  It just makes me so... angry that she would pollute my brother like that.

I found out because he refused dinner tonight. 

Both me and my mum have had eating disorders, and the last thing I want is for my brother to go through it too.

I'm sorry for this rant, I just needed to get it off my chest.  

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Six months after I made the decision to push myself into EDNOS recovery, I have finally told someone other than my doctor that I had a problem with food.

Me and my best friend (the one without anorexia. I never told the one with it that I had a problem, but I think she may have guessed) went for a 2hr walk yesterday, and I told it her then.  I can't remember why I told her, I know I wasn't intending to, but she asked me a question I couldn't possibly answer without telling her, so I sort of blurted it out.

She was surprisingly supportive, and remembered how I never used to go to lunch, or buy any food when we went out shopping, and all these little things that I never knew anyone noticed.  She was surprised that I could do that to myself, and that she had never put 2 and 2 together before.    

I'm still not sure how I feel about someone actually knowing.  It is nice that I am accountable to someone now - if I started starving myself again, she would be on my case - but at the same time, having no-one but the doctor knowing it made it somehow less real.  Now, someone KNOWS.  That means that I have to acknowledge it too.  Before it was my dirty little secret, and I could push it under the rug when I wasn't on here or at the doctors.

Now it is out there. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. 

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