alicandra's Journal

I know I need to recover, but...
Mar 06 2008 10:53

It is just so hard at the moment!

It took me the best part of 6 months to get up to eating 1200 calories a day without crying/attempting to purge/running down the gym, and getting there I was incredibly lucky in that I only gained 5lbs.  But 1200 'isn't enough' for a teenage girl, so I need to up it, but its so hard!

I've managed 1500 max a day for a month. I've gained 10lbs. I've gained an inch on my waist.  I've gained a clothes size. In a month.  All I can hear in my head is the same negative comments that got me eating 500 cals a day, and how fat I'm going to be.

My defict is still over 1000 a day, but how can I up my calories any more? if I gain 10 more lbs, I'll be overweight again.  I cannot handle that. I just can't. I can barely handle this right now - 5'8, 147lbs and a US8. I am not that fat.  I just need to convince my brain that I'm not.

It's going to be bloody hard.

Well that was unexpected...
Feb 22 2008 11:58

Aaaah! I've got a body composition booked in half an hour and I am not looking forward to it at all! I've just changed sports-doctors, because my old one is pregnant, and the new one is a guy! It doesn't bother me in the sense that he will probably be just as good as my old one, but I really am not looking forward to him finding out my weight... Not to mention I have been injured for 1/2 a month, so I will probably have less muscle than usual.

Gah.  Ah well, I better just suck it up and go for it. 

EDIT - The guy was fine.  He gave me a new workout plan too, which was nice of him.  My body composition was as expected, higher fat % than usual, but it was still only 19%, so thats fine. He made the measurements an optional thing, so I didn't have them taken.  

However, there are two things I would like to mention - my weight came in on his scales as 134.5 - almost 10lbs lighter than the 144lbs that I had been before I left the house. I'm really, really shocked - 10lbs is a big difference! I don't look 134lbs though, I look a lot bigger, so I reckon his scales must've been off...

Secondly, my blood pressure is back to normal! 117 over 63, not to shabby... Its the first time in a long while my BP hasn't been low. Ah, the side effects of eating disorders... I guess this is a sign that my body is finally getting back to normal.

For every one step forward, I take two back...
Feb 08 2008 20:33

I'm CCing again...

I don't know how I became quite so weak without it.  I have had an awful week - calories have yoyoed day to day, from 280cals to 2200... I just felt so guilty after the 2200 day, I was punishing myself, pushing the calories lower, lower, lower.  280 is horrific.  I need to get past that stage in my life.  Hell, I am past it.   I need to stop being such a stupid cow. 

The stupid thing is I know I am damaging my body.  I trailed through my food logs, and I've had 25 days since October where I haven't reached 800 calories.  There. I admitted it.  I am a lying hypocrite, telling people on here they need to eat more while I sit at my computer, starving myself. This needs to stop.  

 I've done 3 days at 1400. Not ideal, but survivable for now.  I'll up it to 1600 tomorrow.  I want to lose weight still, but I need to do it healthily this time.

Nothing worth having comes easy. 

No calorie counting...
Jan 29 2008 17:00

I'm giving myself a week off of the calorie counting stuff. I've never been ill for this long before without it turning reeeaaally serious, so I need to focus on avoiding that at all costs.  

 I haven't eaten anywhere near enough - I'd guess less than 1000 for the last 2 weeks, not good.  I've lost 6lbs, putting me back at my lowest weight without an ED of 136, but to be honest, I don't want to get there through illness.  I want to really earn it, which I don't feel I have (although there is a small part of me screaming at the thought of weighing 136lbs, and thinking how low I could get if I kept doing this...) 

Anyway, I'm going to Paris on Sunday, and I need to be well, or at least better than this, by then.  So get me some honey, lemon, onion, garlic, vinegar, grapes, and some oranges, smush them all in a glass and I'll down it! I am that desperate... Its fine, just lots of food high in antioxidants, and no calorie counting till we get back on thursday. 

Still ill
Jan 23 2008 21:40

(Gotta love the smiths, eh?)

As the title shows, I still have flu =[ My calorie intake has been nowhere near where it should be, I'm falling in at 800 calories, but I can't physically swallow anything, my throat is so swollen... Once its gone down, I'll eat more than usual (~2100 cals) to try and get my energy back... Anyway, isn't the saying "feed a cold, starve a fever"? so with that logic, I shouldn't eat too much...

I want to be well again =[ I fully intend to celebrate when I get well again with a chocolate bar or something - maybe some parsnip crisps! Oooh.... 

Once again, body, your timing is frustrating!!!!
Jan 17 2008 16:17

Ignore my last post.  My period just came.

Only a month and a half late, of course.  On the one day where I REALLY could have done without really bad PMS. 

On the one hand, I am very glad it DID come this month - its always worrying when it doesn't, even though its most likely because of my IBS/thyroid/past ED. I hate the waiting, it is so frustrating!

But today was my economics exam, and I was quite happy with my lack of period, because it meant I didn't have to worry about being ill. I was surprisingly relaxed, and thought I would do well. Then the PMS came, and of course it was accompanied by stomach ache which is the worst I've had in a while (2 months without meant 2 months more of pain)  I was so distracted, it didn't go well.

I am not looking forward to that results slip!

(also, I haven't weighed myself in a while - i think I've gained a bit) 

Looks like another month without a period
Jan 12 2008 23:52

I haven't had a period for 2 months now, since I wrote on here on 9th November.  I'm getting worried again - I don't want to go another 6 months without a period!  I want to have kids eventually, so this is terrifying. I've tried upping my calories, but my thyroid trouble makes me put on weight so fast that a month on high calories can easily push me back into the overweight category. 

 I don't know what to do, and my doctor is not helping at all. I feel so alone right now.  

Gah, need to up these calories...
Jan 09 2008 20:13

Its 8.30pm, and I've yet to meet my cals quota.  I didn't even think about it, I just went through my normal day and had dinner....decided I should check up on myself, and I'd only eaten 600 cals! I've had some yogurt, trail mix, nuts and blackberries since, but I've still only reached 1000...

I don't want to eat much more, I know I can't sleep on a full stomach, but I don't want to undereat either - it becomes a bit of a habit for me, if I do it once, and 'survive' there is a high chance I will do it again... 

Mini Rewards
Jan 06 2008 12:18

Heeeey

After seeing peacelovehominy's mini reward system on her profile, I decided to set some rewards for myself...

135 - new netball (my dog burst my old one)

130 - change hair colour

125 - get my ears repierced

120 - NEW HAIRCUT!! I'm gonna go really different, I'm sick of how it is now 

wahey