alicandra's Journal

Member's Journal

Just an observation
Jan 01 2008 22:51

I've noticed I'm writing a lot more about my ED now, and addressing people's ED related posts. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I've been having those thoughts again. I think that must be it. I can't help but remembering the ease of it all, the purity I felt inside...

No. That is the sort of crap that I mean. EDs are NOT PURE. I need to stop associating it with such nice things.

I completely avoided the subject of my ED until the beginning of December. As far as I was concerned, it was in my past. Not something I wanted to talk about. I knew what I'd done to myself, and I knew that I'd finished that period of my life.

Then 20th December rolled around. The first time I'd been left without the friends who unknowingly aided my recovery. I went to Hartlepool for 2 weeks (am still there) and it has completely screwed up my thought processes. I have been back with the people I hung around with during my ED, back in the same environment. I hope, when I get back home, these thoughts will stop. I know I can go back. I know it. I spoke to one of the main people who pulled me out of my ED on sunday after starving myself until then, and after speaking to her, I pulled myself together and ate.

I don't think my weight gain has helped matters, but whatever. I've managed to get at least 1400 calories on all but one day since boxing day. I will be fine.

I can do this. I go back tomorrow. It will be fine. It will be fine.

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A Message to my future self
Dec 29 2007 13:02

I've just been looking though my food log, to try and find one of those foods not on the database, for which I have already uploaded the data.

I had honest to god no idea how little food I ate from May to September. In 5 months, there were 3 days when I hit 1200 calories. 3!!! And I'm one of these people who puts in every food METICULOUSLY, so it wasn't as if I was 'just underestimating'.

You know the really sad thing? In those 5 months, I only lost 5lbs. I went through all that CRAP, put my family through that crap, put my body through HELL for 5 frickin pounds! During august, I averaged 634 calories...how the hell did I do that? Hell, its 1pm and I've already eaten that much! During my GCSE exams, I was eating on average 685 calories a day! No wonder I didn't meet my own expectations...

You're probably wondering why I put this all in my journal. This is a message to me in 5 month's time, when I will no doubt see my triggering friend as she comes back from America. DO NOT PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THAT CRAP AGAIN. IT IS NOT WORTH IT, EVER.

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Bad WEEK
Dec 13 2007 19:23

I feel crummy this week.

I've been ill since monday, but since I have exams in January I have trooped into college everyday, and managed to do a bit of exercising, but my eating has gotten out of control.

I planned to eat 1800 a day, 600 more than usual, because I was ill. Normall that's enough to make me gain a little due to my underactive thyroid. Yeah, I flew past that mark every single day. Averaged 1960 calories, and now I am petrified of stepping on the scale, and I can't get control over my calories again. Before I would have a cup of cereal and some soya milk for breakfast. Now I'm having double the quantities and a biscuit in the morning, and still leaving the house hungry.

I dread stepping on the scales. I want to give up. Its drowning me.

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Suprising compliments
Dec 09 2007 17:53

I am loving the compliments I have recieved this weekend!

The first came on saturday, I was out with one of my two best friends, and this guy came up to us and said, "Woah, seeing double. You're both gorgeous"!!! Admittedly, he was most likely only saying that to double his chance of getting a number, but still, it is the first time I've ever been put in the same group as my bezzie! She's soo skinny! Like 120lbs, and 5'8, I think...

Then today, my other best friend COMPLIMENTED ME!!! That is the first time I think she has ever done that!!! She says exactly what she thinks (ie today she told me my hair was the colour of diarrhea, thanks, Harri) and so today, when she came up to me and said "When did you get so skinny, you bitch?" I knew it was, an admittedly backhanded, compliment! I think it was the first time I actually believed I looked thin, too.

Its nice, as before, I always stood out like a sore thumb against my skinny friends, but now, I'm finally starting to feel I look as if I belong with them. Yay!

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Mission-Healthiness, Day 1
Dec 08 2007 20:03

I'm trying a week of 1800cals a day, just to see how mucked up my thyroid really is (bear in mind, I normally stick to 1200, 1400 max) and lots of healthy foods etc. According to the calories on here, my exercise regime and the average person's BMR would result in me burning 2500 on light exercise days, 3200 on intense days. So, in theory, if I gain 1lb this week, I would only be burning 1000/1600 depending on the exercise. Gah, that sounds a bit depressing, and probably won't be right with water weight and all...

Anyway, back to healthiness. So, for the next week I will

*Eat 1800 calories a day

*Have at least 7 portions of fruit and veg a day

*run for 4 hours minimum over the week

*do 3 hours weights/calisthenics

*aim for 30g fibre

*HAVE FUN!!

So far today, I've achieved everything except the 1800 calories, but there's still time for that!! I realised this morning how obsessed I've become with the scales too, so I am rationing my scale visits to once a week, max.

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ARGGH!!! (fat off rant)
Dec 03 2007 19:27

Okay, people of my gym, I want you to get two things straight, okay?

Number one - Standing with a couple of small dumbbells in your hands, whilst watching me on the treadmill, will not help you gain muscle. I get that you might have a chuckle at the sight of a girl over 100lbs in 'your territory', and shouting 'run fatgirl run' at me may seem hilarious, but I AM NOT FAT!! I'm a frickin US 6, got that, you idiocyncratic, bumbling fool. Yeah, I'm a bit too chubby, but mate, you aren't exactly a lightweight either!

Number two - this one's for an individual I see at the gym most days. She strides in, wearing her designer tracksuit, and stands around watching the guys pump weights, maybe having a 5 minute go on the treadmill, at 4mph max, because lordy, a sweat would just RUIN the look you're working, wouldn't it, sweetheart? Then, after half an hour, she digs out her £300 prada phone, and phones 'dear daddy' because she cant possibly walk the 1/2 mile to her house now, after all that hard working out she's done, can she?

Every monday she gets on the scales, and complains when it hasn't gone down. Hmm, I wonder why...Not that she should be trying to lose weight anyway, she can't weigh much more than 110lbs max, and she's 5'6...

Rant Over. There, that feels much better.

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Silly Jeans...
Nov 11 2007 22:32

Hehe, funny story

I was in town before, browsing through a charity shop, and I found a pair of gap Jeans on the shelf. Once I had stopped squealing, I checked the size on the tag - UK12 (US8) my 'larger day' size, perfect! They were only $10, so I bought them, not bothering to try them on.

Anyway, just tried them on, and I got them over my butt (massive feat, let me tell you!) but I couldn't do them up at all. I was having a mass heart attack ("OH MY GOD, LAST WEEK I WAS A 10, NOW IM BURSTING OUT OF 12s!") when I decided to check the size.

Oh. US2. Not UK12 then. Hehe. I am quite impressed though that I got them on as far as I did. I didn't think a US2 would fit my pinkie finger in!

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Woo!
Nov 09 2007 23:42

Okay, I know this is a weird thing to get excited about, but my period finally came!

I haven't had it since the end of august, and I was getting quite worried. I knew I wasn't pregnant, but I didn't want to have fertility worries at 16...

AND, it means the bloated hell I've had for the past 3 months is over! I've lost 2lbs and 2 inches off my stomach overnight! I swear, I did look properly pregnant with all of that swelling.

Only downside is, I am now permanently starving! I ate ~1700 cals yesterday, and 1600 today! I've been doing quite a bit of exercise though - today I did a 50 minute run, 15 minutes calinthesics (sp) and 10 minutes stretching.

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Weight Gain
Nov 03 2007 21:02

I feel like crap. I've just weighed myself - 144!!!!! Thats 4.5lbs gained in 1 week, during which I've eaten 1200cals a day and done 30+ minutes of exercise daily. Underactive thyroids suck

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Lil old me
Nov 01 2007 16:32

Hey, anyone who happens to have stumbled across this...

Hmm, I'm not quite sure what normally goes in a journal, so I'll give you a little bit of my diet history...

Age - 16

Height - 5'8

SW - 170 (at 5'6 BMI 27.4)

CW - 140 (BMI 21.3)

Xmas goal weight - 130 (BMI 19.8)

ultimate goal weight - 120ish (BMI 18.2)

I know that many of the weight loss sites think of this as 'underweight', but when you put it into perspective with my age it is actually still in the 18th percentile, which is healthy. At the moment I'm in the 59th percentile, which is healthy, but I could be any weight between 110lbs and 160lbs to be considered 'healthy'.

My main aim is to lose that bit of fat around my waist. I'm not 'skinny' right now, but at a UK10 (US6), no where near obese anymore...

What else? Well, I'm a sporty music nut who can normally either be found at a gig or on a sports court. I am a tree-hugging-animal-loving vegetarian, who loves cats, hates economics, and spends all her spare time telling people a million miles away all of this pointless information.

Till we meet again,

Ally

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