alicandra's Journal

I don't know what to do anymore...

May 02 2009 15:19

154lbs. 154.

Petessake, these exams are ruining me. I've been eating anywhere between 1200 and 2500 for the last 3 weeks due to the stress, and have only managed 2 and a half hours of exercise a week. I've gained 7lbs. And I look like I've gained a lot more.

BMI is now 23, which is far from the end of the world. But I felt overweight at my thinnest when I was 135, and so this feels so bad for me.

I shouldn't even be gaining on this amount of calories - I'm 17, 5'8 and was 147lbs. The average person with my statistics would burn 1900 calories, and that's not even factoring in the fact that I walk for well over an hour a day. Yet here I am, with an average of about 1600 and a 7lb noticable weight gain.

I was eating ok today until a moment ago, when the ben and jerries came out. Now I feel like a complete fat slob, but the truth of the matter is that its 4pm and I've still eaten less than 800 calories, regardless of the ice cream 'splurge'.

I just see all these bloody perfect women in the magazines, and can't help but feel upset that I look *so far* from what they look like. My stomach looks like I've just given birth to a walrus, my legs resemble treetrunks and dont even get me started on my boobs...

Damn Boobs...

Apr 14 2009 18:25

I'm so annoyyyyed

I look good at the moment. Hell, there are days when I look in the mirror and am not completely repulsed with what I see for the first time in my entire life. I'm 15lbs heavier than I was at my lightest, but it seems to have stayed away from my waist this time, mostly planting itself on my legs and hips which is actually fine - my waist to hip ratio is less than .7 now, and (for some strange reason) my 'love handles' have disappeared, with the 'handle' bit in the middle filling out, giving me those smooth curves that I've always wanted.

I'd go as far as saying that my lower half looks a bit like that Joan lady from Mad Men. And I am damn happy with that - she's so pretty, I'd kill to look like her.

But my bloody boobs don't seem to have got the message. I'm still barely filling a 34A, despite the fact that I have pretty hefty shoulders and ribs. Its annoying - I have 'curves', but only because my chest is like a barrel - my actual boobs are practically nonexistent

There's a part of me that's still hopeful; I'm only 17, maybe I'll still grow, blah blah blah. The thing is, I think its all been stunted by my stupid 14 year old self deciding that starving myself would be fun. I've got the height, but my bloody boobs have got stuck in 'little' mode. They're not even a nice shape or anything, they're completely blah.

And this is why I am dieting again. They look great in clothes, but I think if someone was to see me in a bikini/naked right now, they would be disgusted. However, the boobs neither grow nor shrink as I lose or gain weight, so they at least looked in proportion when I was at my lightest. So, diets ahoy, lets get me slim!

Height - 5'8.5

Weight (as of 14/04) - 150lbs

Highest Weight - 175lbs (wow, was that really 3 years ago? crazy...)

Lowest Weight - 135lbs

Goal Weight - 130lbs

Getting Back On The Wagon

Mar 03 2009 17:16

I'm jumping back on the horse in terms of dieting! This month I've had mocks and coursework deadlines, and I haven't been monitoring my calories or eating healthily at all! I feel worse off for it now, but I haven't had enough time/energy to worry too much. At an estimate, I've been getting about 1500 calories a day, but at least 500 of those daily have come from chocolate!!

So, drastic measures were needed and I have *sob* given up chocolate for lent. Yes, fully given the stuff up, none of this 'just the one square' business. Admittedly, my chocolate fast began slightly after the official start of lent (I began on sunday), but since I have no religious qualms about the whole thing, I figured that better's late than never!

So, with the 50p that is usually designated for chocolate, I went to the library where they're selling off the older books, and bought a copy of liaisons dangereuses. Much better use of my money, don't you think? :)

I had a sandwich at college today. It was the flavour that they always have available, but no one ever seems to purchase, and always ends up getting chucked away.

Apple, celery, mayo and cheese.

It was hardly a healthy choice, I'll admit, but it had sparked my curiosity. I have never seen apple in a sandwich before, and to be honest I hope that I never again spot little chunks of the fruit placed in between two slices of bread. It was *disgusting*, but I committed to the sandwich and ate the whole thing, for no real reason.

Not to mention it was probably about 500 calories. Man. They say curiosity killed the cat, if I'm not careful they're going to have to add 'teenager' to that obituary.

RIP

Jan 27 2009 18:38

A girl at college died yesterday after complications surrounding anorexia.

Puts things into perspective a bit. She had the same name as me, a load of friends thought that had been me that died.

Puts things into perspective.

RIP.

Oh, the strangeness of the mind after midnight

Jan 19 2009 00:40

Midnight snack - one dark chocolate truffle, asparagus, 2 cloves of raw garlic, custard.

In the space of 5 mintues. Why I went into the kitchen craving that combination of food I'll never know... Maaaan... I feel really awful now! haha, not only is that approximately 200 calories more that I didn't really need, but the aftertaste of garlic mixed with custard is RANK!

And, given the look my cat's giving me, I'm guessing my breath smells like death... I might just paint the toothpaste onto my mouth tonight!

Come on, get in the game!

Jan 06 2009 18:04

Ahhh

It's cold. and I'm tired and ubergrumpy.

but I've got 3 and a half HOURS of sport in a minutee... I need to get dressed.

The idea of running round after a ball in a short skirt outdoors while pervy old men arbitrate has never been less appealing! I've got 2 hours of umpiring myself, plus an hour of netball and a half hour run to get down there...

Its -4 degrees celcius outside. The cars are frosted over. By the time I finish it's predicted to be -8 degrees celcius!! That's like 18 degrees farenheight!

I know to any canadians or people from the far north or america, that's not that bad. But I'm a *complete* wuss, and since our bibs stick directly onto our tshirts I cant wear a jumper, and we're not allowed trackies.

I'm gonna put the thermals on though. screw anyone who even attempts to make me take them off.

I have the mentality of a five year old..

Jan 05 2009 19:51

Bananas mashed up with milk!

Never let it be said that I'm not a classy bird...

Today's been a bit all over the place. I was really paranoid earlier today that my psychology teacher was going to be really angry with me at handing my work in a day late, and was convinced that she was going to kick me out of college, and my life was going to start spiralling into a circle of depression and cheap whipped cheese.

Along the way, I managed to forget that my psychology teacher is the single nicest person ever, and that you need about 7 or 8 serious warnings to be kicked out of my college...

How hormonal am I? And how is it fair that I get this PMS-ey when I still don't have a regular period?

I'm watching comedy DVDs at the moment while writing an 5000 word essay on Virgin Suicides and In The Time Of The Butterflies. I'm not entirely sure I made the right choice with my books, but I've got bigger fish to fry at the moment - I'm doing an oral commentary on hamlet in a few days! AAHH

Food wise, I've had 1200 calories so far, and its 8pm. I've had dinner, and a lot of protein, so I'm not that hungry, but I'm going to have a 300 cal snack in about half an hour plus maybe a 100 cal smoothie later to get me up to 1600 - I am not going to let myself go below that, its the beginning of a slippery slope.

Also, I'm a veggie and so don't eat too much protein. I'm trying to up my protein levels at the moment, but whenever I get it above 20%, I start to get *really* bad headaches. I've got one at the moment, it's not too bad as I've had an apple which seems to 'neutralise' it, but sometimes its hellish. I only had around 30g of protein for dinner today, and 60g overall, but it is really really painful. Anyone got any suggestions?

Much love

D'oh! But in a good way

Jan 03 2009 12:47

Whenever I want to lose weight, I splash out big bucks on a pretty dress for motivation. Yesterday, I was in Topshop, and spotted this GORGEOUS dress for £50, so I tried on the size 14 (US10) which, after the festive period, is what I've been wearing. It was baggy, but I loved the dress and was in a rush.

So I figured I'd buy the size 8-10 (US4-6) and make it my inspiration dress, that I could wear once I was slimmer.

I just tried it on, and it fits perfectly! :) If anything, its a bit baggy round the boob area (a problem I often suffer from... but not with a size 8!) This sort of ruins its power as an inspiration dress, but I'm still happy!

It does show how different clothes sizes can be even inside the same shop! I bought a top from there at the same time, a size 14 - its practically indecent, its so tight! Crazy world...

I'm Back!! And there's more of me to love (again!)

Sep 07 2008 14:44

Hii!!

Wow, I can't believe its been almost 4 months since I was last on here! Crazy, huh?

Ok, so first the good news - I think I've beaten my ED. I'm not sure how long for, or how well, or if this is all real, but I think I've got it down - I managed to reach 2000 calories the other day! Not as in a binge, just sitting down, relaxing, going out to dinner et cetera.

I hadn't managed to eat 2000 calories in a day for 2 years before that. At least, not without sobbing and ending up going into the gym for 4 hours. And even that only happened once.

The bad news is that with this is that I've put on 8lbs. Ok, so not as much as it could have been, but when I stepped on the scales this morning for the first time in about 2 months and saw 148lbs staring back at me, I did have a panic attack, and consider not eating anything this week.

Which is why I'm back here, amongst all you amazing people =] I want to get back to 140lbs (preferably 130!) the healthy way, without too many tears or too much guilt.

Oh, and I'm 'all grown up' now!! haha, I turned 17 last week, and it was damn good to eat a slice of cake this year, unlike last year or the year before. I can't believe I am the same person I was a year ago.

VITAL STATS

Height - 5'8

Weight - 148lbs

Goal weight (short term) - 140

Goal weight (long term) - 130

Life goal - be happy and make people happy =]

Plateau doesn't even begin to cover it

May 18 2008 15:56

I haven't lost weight for 6 months now.

6 FRICKIN MONTHS!!

Rawr, I'm so bleeding frustrated, I knew that recovering from undereating would probably cause me to gain some weight, which I accepted, but now that its not coming off, its getting so tempting to go back to old ways.

I'm 144lbs and 5'8. Most of the charts say my 'ideal weight' is 130-135. That feels so unattainable right now.

I just want it all gone.