aliciamala's Journal

Hey girlies!

Long time no CC!! I'm glad to see everyone is still here and doing well with the weight loss!! I'm doing a lot better now dealing with the whole break up situation and it's actually really helped me with losing weight believe it or not lol. I guess all the stress actually helped me lose. I'm down to 139 pounds! I can't believe I've only got 4 more pounds to goal. It just blows my mind. I still can't wrap my mind around it!! I might try for another 5 after I hit that, but right now i think I just need some toning.

Anyway just wanted to drop in and try to get back into counting and whatnot again. hope everyone is well!

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So Brandon broke up with me officially, and I'm having a really really tough time.

We've been together for three years and been through more together than most couples who have been together 50 years. I know this is probably for the best in the long run. We have very different goals in life and without drastic changes it would never have worked in the very long run, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I still love him just as much as ever and don't even know how to function without him in my life. My life has revolved around him completely for the past 3 years and all I'm at the point right now where I'm torturing myself by only being able to remember all of the happy times. I haven't really let myself grieve yet because it's just so painful I'm not sure I can handle it. I'm just walking around with a lump in my throat, just going through the motions. Everytime something painful comes into my head I just focus on something else and try to bury it. It's like I'm being pierced with a thousand knives a day that I have to ignore. When I'm out and around my friends, who have been amazing, I am okay and know that this is for the best. I'm excited to move and to start fresh. But when I'm alone and when I lay down alone to go to sleep at night it feels like I can just never survive this.

He has a really, REALLY difficult time discussing his emotions too, which makes it even worse. He has a lot of deep rooted emotional problems, and his way of coping with anything is just to focus on other things and act like nothing happened. It was the same way when Damon died. After about a week he just closed up and only ever talked about it if it was to comfort me when I was upset. It's so painful to love some one so much and watch them act so normal about not having you in their life anymore.

I'm at work right now and having a really tough day. I feel like I'm just a shell of who I really am, just going through the motions. I've been smoking about a pack of cigarettes a day and barely eating anything at all. I just have no appetite. I don't want to go into starvation mode so whenever the opportunity comes up I've been going for big disgusting greasy fast food meals so I can try to keep my calorie intake up.

God, this sucks. In 11 days I'll be moving to New Brunswick to live with my old roommates and start a new life. Once I get there I know it will be okay because I'll have my closest friends around and there won't be so many triggers to remind me of him. But these next 11 days are just going to be complete and utter hell. I've never felt this bad. Even when we lost Damon, or when I went through with the abortion, I had him to grieve with and comfort me. He was there for me no matter what, and now I just feel so alone it turns my stomach.

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Well frig.

I've sort of been straying from CC a bit lately. I've just found myself getting really frustrated/obsessive with everything and I decided a couple of days ago that I was going to cool it for a little while and just work on maintaining until I got my "mojo" back. I've come this far and I certainly want to finish the job, but I have no reason to rush as I'm *pretty* comfortable with my weight at this point and I'm seriously hating feeling guilty everytime I "slip". Why is this getting so difficult? Why was it so much easier when I was thirty pounds heavier?

But anyway, long story short: Ever since I decided I was going to work at maintaining, I've been aiming for somewhere around 1800 to 2000 calories a day (estimated) and I actually feel really gross! I've basically just been sticking to what I normally eat plus some treats here and there (a slice of birthday cake at work or a small bag of chips in the evening) and my body is HATING it. Seriously, I think my body is just rejecting it or something. My bowels are all out of whack, I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning...I even threw up last night after eating some Pringles! It's weird. I'm thinking that I should take this as a sign and just get back on track. I don't know.

I don't have too much trouble at all sticking to 1500 calories a day as long as nothing unexpected happens (out with friends, hangover food, etc). 1500 is really good for me because I'm super active all day at work. It's the exercise that I'm having a really hard time sticking to. I was working out like 5 or 6 times a week but I just can't find the motivation now. It has a lot to do with the heat and humidity. I get really cranky and useless when it's humid. I know it sounds like just an excuse. I can go to my gym at lunchtime here at work but then I have to come back to the office all sweaty and gross, which I hate doing. Blahhhh....WHERE IS MY MOJO

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I just wrote a big thing in my livejournal summing up my weightloss journey so far so I'm gunna stick it in here too since it's relevent:

So I'm down a grand total of 27 pounds now from when I initially weighed in in March, which I think is pretty awesome. I'm having trouble seeing the results myself; I know I'm losing by my clothing, the scale, measurements, comments from others, etc., but it's hard to see it when I look in the mirror. I think I have a body image issue or something. I've still got about 20 pounds to go to get to my goal weight, so I'm hoping I'll be a little more satisfied as I lose more.

It's going pretty smoothly. I've had a few "episodes" where I've fallen off the wagon for a week or two, even a month at one point. But once I regain my motivation it usually doesn't take too long to hop back on the proverbial band wagon. I've always liked the saying "Being a failure doesn't mean you fell down, it means that you didn't get back up again". That's what I try to keep in my head. I'm actually pretty lucky in the sense that I actually really really enjoy exercising. I don't dread the gym like most normal people do. I always look forward to going and actually sometimes get excited about it. Even on days when I plan NOT to work out and take a day off, I usually end up bailing on that plan and going for a walk or doing some pilates. I like the energy that exercising gives me.

Food is usually "fairly" easy. Weekdays are a breeze as I plan out all my meals and have my routine at work for eating that I rarely stray from. Weekends are a little bit harder since my sleeping patterns get all screwed, and I've got nothing to keep me occupied and away from food. One thing is for sure though; I've found that as soon as I give in and eat something bad, that's when the cravings get bad for other things. If I eat well for a few days, I completely stop thinking about the things that I used to go crazy for. 

There is one thing that sucks about losing weight though. It's going to sound like I'm bragging here, but I assure you I'm really not. By no means do I consider myself to be anything special to look at. But I honestly really don't like the attention I get from a lot of guys the more I lose weight. I mean I don't mind harmless flirting from friends or anything, but just stupid things like....I hate that when I walk somewhere, guys I don't know are constantly looking at me. Again, I'm NOT trying to brag; I'm well aware that they're GUYS and that's what they do to most girls. But before when I was heavier, they just didn't do it as much. It probably has to do with my confidence level too and how I present myself. It can be really uncomfortable sometimes though. Even if you make eye contact with them they just keep on staring. I don't like it because I get all insecure, trying to make sure I'm walking properly, trying not to make eye contact. And they are more prone to trying to make small talk now which I've never liked. Especially being in an elevator or something. Contrary to how I act around my friends, I'm actually pretty shy, and I always feel awkward and uncomfortable making small talk with people I don't know. Plus, in my head I'm always thinking...this guy so wouldn't be trying to talk to me if I was fat...

I remember watching a talk show when I was younger about obese people and there was a woman on there who had been raped when she was younger and felt that her weight was a defense mechanism to keep it from ever happening again. At the time I thought she was probably just trying to make excuses for her weight, but lately I can sort of understand it. I mean I'd definitely choose thin over thick, and sometimes the attention is really nice, but I guess I'm just one of those people who would prefer to go unnoticed in a lot of social situations.

Blah...I dunno

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OMG, I did soooo bad this weekend!!!

Saturday actually wasn't too bad; I probably only exceeded my calories by about 200 or 300. When I have "bad days" I don't beat myself up as long as I don't hit or exceed maintenence.

Well after Saturday comes Sunday. I did really well during the day...I even went for a long walk despite the fact that I left my sneakers at work and had to do it in my painful sandals. I "saved" most of my calories for when Brandon got home from work so we could have a nice big supper. But then when he got home he decided he wasn't hungry so I could eat whatever I wanted. Well by this point I was RAVENOUS and just wanted LOTS of food FAST.

I ate...

1 BOX of Kraft dinner

1/2 can of beans

TWELVE..count'em......TWELVE Simple Pleasures Cookies

and a bowl of grapes

I went wayyyy over maintenence and felt sooo guilty afterward! I still feel guilty! And my belly is making funny sounds today.

I suck.

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I'm slightly overweight!!

This is uber exciting!! I love the word "slightly", much more than I love the word "moderately" and much much MUCH more than the word "severely" like it described me when I first started on here.

I weighed in at 155.5 today...I'm so happy!! I'm back in the swing of things and in about 5 pounds less I'll be in the 140's!! That just blows my friggin' mind. I never thought I'd see a number in the 140's again ever since I left high school. I  had myself convinced that I was always going to be heavier and that there was nothing I could do about it. SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT!! HOORAY FOR SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT!!

 

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Well the medication situation is all back to normal now (Thank God). I've absolutely never felt that badly in my entire life. But everything seems all balanced out again. Yay!

I'm feeling super fat and gross today. I don't know why. I'm finished totm, I've been eating perfectly and exercising everyday. I lost my swipe card for my gym though so I haven't been able to get in there and go on the scale. (I won't go by any other scale incase they're set differently). For some reason I just feel like I'm just as heavy as I was 25 pounds ago when I first started this. Bleck!

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Ugh

So I've been on antidepressants (Cipralex) for almost a year now and I made a brutal mistake last week of thinking I was ready to come off of them. Actually, I am still sure I'm ready to come off of them but perhaps I should have consulted with my Doctor first. See, my perscription ran out on Thursday and I just chose not to get it refilled and go off of them cold turkey. Well I've learned that this was absolutely the stupidest thing I could have done.

Has anyone else ever made this mistake? I am so irritable it's unfit. I am agitated constantly....like I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, and I'm taking it out on everyone around me. I'm purposely avoiding EVERYONE here at work because I'm about ready to snap for no reason. Even alone in my office I'm sitting here swearing at staplers and files, throwing things around, storming off in a huff..

Not to mention these "brain zaps" as they call them....it's like an electric shock sensation in my brain..there is no way to describe them...the only way I can even begin to explain them is like I feel like I'm going through time warps or something lol. Like..I'll be walking and all of the sudden I'll get a "brain zap" where I almost black out and then all of the sudden I'm about a metre ahead of where I was before the zap. It's the worst when I'm in the middle of a conversation, because it pretty much zaps the whatever thought was in my head right out of it...then I'm sitting there all confused looking like an idiot. They don't hurt or anything, they're just really really strange and irritating.

I'm going to the doctor tonight but from what I'm reading online it'll be another couple of weeks before the initial withdrawal symptoms fuck off. I don't think I can stand another day of this at all. Not without getting fired...God, I've only been at work for 5 1/2 hours so far and it feels like 48 hours. DJGSJERGOERJGJERJV.

Not to mention this is day 5 of quitting smoking, and day 2 of my period. This is one lethal frickin' combination if I do say so myself. My poor boyfriend....

***Update** Just got home from the Doctor....she gave me lots of drugs to get me back on my pills for now (just to wean me off again later) and some other drugs for more immediate relief....which is already working!!! Oh yes, and she provided me with a nice loooong lecture free of charge, so I've certainly learned my lesson about being my own doctor!!***

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So I just took my measurements for the very first time and I am DISGUSTED and appalled. I seriously wish I had a giant bag of cheesies right now :(

My bust is a 36...no real surprise there.

Waist...31....not bad...

wait for it..

hips...43.5!!! I HAVE THE HUGEST ASS IN THE HISTORY OF THE HUMAN RACE!!

ugh.

I feel so grossly out of porportion right now. Like who has hips that big in comparison to the rest of their body. I'm a circus freak!

 

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I feel skinny today!

I was doing my hair in the mirror this morning and it was weird...I just caught my reflection at this certain moment and I was like "Woah....damn I'm looking good!"

What a great start to a Monday...I might even bring myself to brave the scale at some point.

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