aliciamala's Journal

I just wrote a big thing in my livejournal summing up my weightloss journey so far so I'm gunna stick it in here too since it's relevent:

So I'm down a grand total of 27 pounds now from when I initially weighed in in March, which I think is pretty awesome. I'm having trouble seeing the results myself; I know I'm losing by my clothing, the scale, measurements, comments from others, etc., but it's hard to see it when I look in the mirror. I think I have a body image issue or something. I've still got about 20 pounds to go to get to my goal weight, so I'm hoping I'll be a little more satisfied as I lose more.

It's going pretty smoothly. I've had a few "episodes" where I've fallen off the wagon for a week or two, even a month at one point. But once I regain my motivation it usually doesn't take too long to hop back on the proverbial band wagon. I've always liked the saying "Being a failure doesn't mean you fell down, it means that you didn't get back up again". That's what I try to keep in my head. I'm actually pretty lucky in the sense that I actually really really enjoy exercising. I don't dread the gym like most normal people do. I always look forward to going and actually sometimes get excited about it. Even on days when I plan NOT to work out and take a day off, I usually end up bailing on that plan and going for a walk or doing some pilates. I like the energy that exercising gives me.

Food is usually "fairly" easy. Weekdays are a breeze as I plan out all my meals and have my routine at work for eating that I rarely stray from. Weekends are a little bit harder since my sleeping patterns get all screwed, and I've got nothing to keep me occupied and away from food. One thing is for sure though; I've found that as soon as I give in and eat something bad, that's when the cravings get bad for other things. If I eat well for a few days, I completely stop thinking about the things that I used to go crazy for. 

There is one thing that sucks about losing weight though. It's going to sound like I'm bragging here, but I assure you I'm really not. By no means do I consider myself to be anything special to look at. But I honestly really don't like the attention I get from a lot of guys the more I lose weight. I mean I don't mind harmless flirting from friends or anything, but just stupid things like....I hate that when I walk somewhere, guys I don't know are constantly looking at me. Again, I'm NOT trying to brag; I'm well aware that they're GUYS and that's what they do to most girls. But before when I was heavier, they just didn't do it as much. It probably has to do with my confidence level too and how I present myself. It can be really uncomfortable sometimes though. Even if you make eye contact with them they just keep on staring. I don't like it because I get all insecure, trying to make sure I'm walking properly, trying not to make eye contact. And they are more prone to trying to make small talk now which I've never liked. Especially being in an elevator or something. Contrary to how I act around my friends, I'm actually pretty shy, and I always feel awkward and uncomfortable making small talk with people I don't know. Plus, in my head I'm always thinking...this guy so wouldn't be trying to talk to me if I was fat...

I remember watching a talk show when I was younger about obese people and there was a woman on there who had been raped when she was younger and felt that her weight was a defense mechanism to keep it from ever happening again. At the time I thought she was probably just trying to make excuses for her weight, but lately I can sort of understand it. I mean I'd definitely choose thin over thick, and sometimes the attention is really nice, but I guess I'm just one of those people who would prefer to go unnoticed in a lot of social situations.

Blah...I dunno