aliciamala's Journal

Aug 27 2007 11:39

So Brandon broke up with me officially, and I'm having a really really tough time.

We've been together for three years and been through more together than most couples who have been together 50 years. I know this is probably for the best in the long run. We have very different goals in life and without drastic changes it would never have worked in the very long run, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I still love him just as much as ever and don't even know how to function without him in my life. My life has revolved around him completely for the past 3 years and all I'm at the point right now where I'm torturing myself by only being able to remember all of the happy times. I haven't really let myself grieve yet because it's just so painful I'm not sure I can handle it. I'm just walking around with a lump in my throat, just going through the motions. Everytime something painful comes into my head I just focus on something else and try to bury it. It's like I'm being pierced with a thousand knives a day that I have to ignore. When I'm out and around my friends, who have been amazing, I am okay and know that this is for the best. I'm excited to move and to start fresh. But when I'm alone and when I lay down alone to go to sleep at night it feels like I can just never survive this.

He has a really, REALLY difficult time discussing his emotions too, which makes it even worse. He has a lot of deep rooted emotional problems, and his way of coping with anything is just to focus on other things and act like nothing happened. It was the same way when Damon died. After about a week he just closed up and only ever talked about it if it was to comfort me when I was upset. It's so painful to love some one so much and watch them act so normal about not having you in their life anymore.

I'm at work right now and having a really tough day. I feel like I'm just a shell of who I really am, just going through the motions. I've been smoking about a pack of cigarettes a day and barely eating anything at all. I just have no appetite. I don't want to go into starvation mode so whenever the opportunity comes up I've been going for big disgusting greasy fast food meals so I can try to keep my calorie intake up.

God, this sucks. In 11 days I'll be moving to New Brunswick to live with my old roommates and start a new life. Once I get there I know it will be okay because I'll have my closest friends around and there won't be so many triggers to remind me of him. But these next 11 days are just going to be complete and utter hell. I've never felt this bad. Even when we lost Damon, or when I went through with the abortion, I had him to grieve with and comfort me. He was there for me no matter what, and now I just feel so alone it turns my stomach.