artricia's Journal

got depressed today!
Nov 09 2009 21:22

Today was a really big milestone for my little sister who has been fighting her weight for a really long time just like me... well we weighed her today and she has lost 30lbs which is such a big step for her and she has lost it only since July..... Well, everyone can see her weightloss and that is absolutely wonderful! I am so happy for her! The problem is my niece looked at me and said "it will be great when I can actually see that you have lost some!" I have lost 20 lbs since October 20th! that is a lot of weight in a short time! Just when I get to feeling good someone says something like that and it really brings me down! Last year I was doing great I was walking 2 miles in the morning and 2 miles in the evening and exercising at the gym lifting weights and riding the bikes etc... I went from 265 to 230 during the summer and no one noticed! They said they couldn't see that I had lost nearly 30lbs! Why is that some people can lose weight even a little and it is really noticeable and then others no one can even tell? It really hurts!

I am not doing the weightloss thing for anyone but me, but still it is nice to be told "hey you are looking good or have you lost weight?" It just seems no matter how much I lose no one notices and it doesn't help that I myself can't see it anywhere but on the numbers! I don't feel like giving up, but the first thought that came into my mind was " I could stop eating altogether!" I know that is the wrong thought, but I am a recovering anorexic who became a bulemic who became an over-eater! wow can you believe that? So here I sit at my computer after having calculated all my calories for the day and my activities and still I don't feel as if I have done enough or lost enough or whatever! I hate that! I felt pretty good until she said that too me! Why do we let people steal our thunder? why do we let them make us feel less than what we are? I have accomplished a lot! I am eating healthier! I am exercising! I am working harder! I am watching my sodium! I am watching my calories! I am trying to enjoy my life! This is for me! Not for them!
 I need to stay focused! I need to stop letting others make me feel depressed and like I am not enough! How can I be an encouragement to my little sister who has so much more to lose than me if I let everyone make me feel I am not really changing at all? I pray for God to help me to keep on keeping on and that soon I will be able to see the changes going on in my body... I can "feel" the changes, but not see them! The old anorexic point of view, I didn't think I was thin enough no matter how much I lost! I always thought I looked fat so I am sure it will really be hard for me to see any difference now as well... Pray for me and my little sister as we fight to get healthy and happy!