bananee's Journal

have not posted in a while

Aug 06 2009 03:14

and I really wont post anymore.

my life hasn't been this bad ever..and I feel like Im stuck..forever in this rut.

I keep making mistake after mistake...and I no longer feel life is worth it at all.

sorry for the pessimist attitude...but nobdoy has a clue of how bad my life has gotten in the past few months...the only time im truly happy is when i sleep.

i wake up and again facing this reality that i just hate so much.

sorry but i wont be answering any messages of any one asking for help with ED's...i know it sounds bad, but i simply can not deal with any of that right now...dond have the mind to deal with that..but i do wish you find support elsewhere..this site is filled with people willing to listen and give help....i wish i were a successful recovery story...sadly im not.

wish you all the best of luck.

starting on meds.

Mar 17 2009 15:46

today is my first day taking thyroid meds.

hopefully i'll be able to see a change soon...I think I actually am feeling a bit better, even with such a low dose (25 mcg).

In about a month I'll know for sure...

I feel a bit more calm, still kind of worried, but nevertheless a lot more optimistic.

stressful times are ahead...so I need to try and find balance

yesterday I had 1,600 calorias and gained half a pound...and the day before I gained half a pound out of the blue...so that's a pound in two days...definitely water weight.

anyway.

wish me luck.

fucking finally

Mar 09 2009 17:00

I found a doctor that will freaking listen to me!!!!!

and is willing to give me meds (lord thank you!!!)

I feel so much more relieved....hopefully this is it! I can avoid anything bad from happening...agh, hopefullyyyyy

we'll see , I'm keeping my fingers crossed****

ugh

Mar 08 2009 11:56

I feel horrible.

I havent felt this upset in my life.

I go over other girl's journals...girls that I used to be able to "relate" to some level..but now I can't, it's like...I dont feel normal, and that's the worst feeling in the world.

No meds yet, and I'm freaking out.

With luck on tuesday, my new endo will fucking give me meds, if not I'm definitely screaming.

I'm so upset!!!!

I wish this disease would banish forever and never ever appear in my life again.

I would give the world to get rid of it...I really would :(

*sigh*

Life suck

ruined me.

Mar 06 2009 20:56

Eating out.

Eavesdropping on a conversation between stranger # 1 and stranger # 2-

stranger # 1 : "geez, slow down, you're eating like a pig, and then you'll be wondering where all the blubber came from"

stranger # 2: "nah, dont worry, I have like this super fast metabolism. I eat and eat and never gain an ounce... besides it's not like I have a glandular problem or something I can always just slim down easily"

me: sit there and be eternally jealous and just filled with anger/depression ... I hate this.

Stop the Thyroid Madness!

Mar 05 2009 22:03

I've done my homework. All to make extra sure that I get the right treatment since the very beginning. I won't allow this damn disease to take control of my life, soooo I wanted to share with those of you who are suffering from Hypo...There is still some hope :)

go here:

www.stopthethyroidmadness.com

You will be englightened. The scary part is that IT IS ALL VERY TRUE. Trust me...I've read everywhere on this issue and I've confirmed it.

It's about time to feel good, and I think this is the resolution.

enjoy :)

-xo

It ain't that bad.

Mar 04 2009 15:07

The secret ingredient to true happiness is setting yourself free.

I can't say I'm there yet, because there are many fears I've yet to conquer, but I feel like Im winning a lot of territory in this matter. I feel lighter, overall, my brain feels less cluttered. I have been confronted by 3 diseases these past 3 years. Anorexia Nervosa, PCOS and now Hypothyroidism.

For a moment, I did feel defeated. I felt like my life had reached an ultimate end. But then I stopped myself and thought...what? my life is just barely starting out. So what if I have hypo? so what if I have PCOS? I chose life, and even if that means getting new thicker skin, than I can live with that.

Yes, I have to be more careful with what I eat.

Yes, I have to take meds for the rest of my life.

Yes, I have to exercise everyday for at least 30 minutes.

Life can be MUCH worst.

If I take control of the situation, and I am true to myself, things will be ok. I have to trust, and I have to have faith.

I am lucky to have been diagnosed so early on in my hypo. I have more chances of controlling it and living without symptoms getting in my way.

At first my biggest fear was weight gain. This coming from someone who is still recovering from an ED is NORMAL. I still fear weight gain. I do, I won't deny it, but having hypo doesn't = weight gain always. I've had various examples of women who live their entire lifes with hypo, and are very slim. It's all about exercising, and having your meds on track. I can live with that. I am scared of living with this disease for the rest of my life, but Im too young to worry about that now.

CARPE DIEM.

Tomorrow I could be dead for all I know....in the next 30 years I can even develop a nastier disease (i hope not but you never know)...and it is then when I'll regret living my life feeling sorry for myself because I have hypo and I'm petrified of weight gain.

THINGS WILL BE OK, you'll see Ans...just get that dust off your shoulders, lift that boulder off of your back, and chin up...life could be worst!

things are still going peachy. Im currently not gaining weight since last week. Hopefully that means Im on the right track. I no longer binge! I feel satisfied at the end of the day....

I have to be happy...I have to enjoy what I have right now...and worry about things when they do get rough...now its all up to eating clean, eating healthy and being healthy...taking care of myself, and thats that.

I still wish I didn't have hypo, I know I'd be 10 times happier...but again...it could be worst.

wish me luck everyone....

ups and downs

Mar 01 2009 14:28

I still am feeling down about this new found disease i have....and I still wish with all my might that this was just all a b ad dream and that Im super healthy and in my way to living my old life....none of that is coming true ever again.

i feel very defeated...smacked down...I dunno....chances I will gain weight in the future are huge...who knows how long Im going to be able to keep a normal amount of thyroid hormone in my body...im going to become a slave to my body just so that i can keep my figure...i hate that thought..i just want to live! i never minded being skinny fat...now i wont be able to be that again....

I dont know how to feel ....im so sad....id give anything to be healthy right now..ANYTHING...

and for those of you who are complaining about their weights...please dont...at least you ARE healthy..and that weight CAN come off eventually without so much struggle...be content that you have a working thyroid, and a healthy body....because those who dont would give the world to have that...at least i know i do...

wishing i could turn back time....this sucks...my life sucks :( *sigh*

my worst fears...

Feb 27 2009 17:59

I have HAshimoto's Thyroiditis...I wanna kill myself this is the worst thing that can happen to me now I mean it the worst....

I cant even talk of how sad I am...

not so sure anymore

Feb 26 2009 10:33

I noticed something fishy about my results and now Im bugging out of my skin...

I have to wait til next week to find out if there's something up....fuck my life.