berriesandyogurt's Journal

Ew. Let's start over.

May 11 2009 21:44

Um. Okay. I've got some 'splaining to do.

So, since I've started, I reallly haven't lost any weight. On the contrary, I've gained a ton., 20ish pounds to be exact. up to 128-130 pounds.

I've been vegetarian since October 2008, and went vegan on new year's of 2009, for animal rights, not dietary reasons.

However, I felt too restricted, I think, and my binge eating behavior got worse because I craved dairy and egg. So two days ago I switched back to being ovo-lacto vegetarian. It's hard, and I feel guilty, but I think it's for my own mental health.

These past three days have been the worst. I've been pigging out on pizza, protein bars, larabars, nuts, bread, cereal.. everything. I gained 8 pounds just over the weekend. It's so terrible. Today I told myself I'd get back on my diet, but I binged yet again.

I really want to beat this. I really want to drop down to my original weight. My goal right now is 115. I have a pair of jeans that I told myself I'd try on every day until I reached my goal, but I am so lacking motivation right now. It's humiliating just to walk around school!

So tomorrow I vow to try my hardest to stay on track. I'm not going to say that I'll never binge again; I'd rather take this one at a time.

I really hope I can find some support and respect myself and my body enough to give thsi a real shot. Let's start over.

Day 2 (AGAIN)

Oct 12 2008 11:14

Sorry I forgot to update about yesterday! It went alright, although I did have a serving of Weight Watchers mint ice cream, which was not on my meal plan. Nonetheless, it was MUCH better than binging and I felt great this morning.

Today is going excellent so far. I've had some Kashi GoLean cereal with Almond Breeze and some fruit this morning, a Gnu Fiber bar for a snack, and a whole wheat tuna wrap with fat free American cheese and a side of broccoli cole slaw for lunch. I'm visiting my cousin for his birthday later today, but I should only be there for about an hour or two and they will have already eaten. No worries there!

Will update later tonight... Wish me luck!!

Another Day 1

Oct 11 2008 12:31

Alrighty, Day 1 is going okay. I just need to keep myself busy. Will update later tonight.

Day 2: In Dangerous Territory

Oct 10 2008 10:16

So it's Day 2 of my healthy lifestyle, and I'm on a bit of a rocky road right now. It's currently 10:17 AM, and I have eaten breakfast, morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack already. All of these items were on my meal plan, but they were supposed to be spread throughout the day. Ideally, I would not eat from now until 6:00 tonight (dinnertime), and I would still be within my calorie allowance. I think it was triggered by a less than enjoyable breakfast. I tried mixing Better N' Peanut Butter and Fage yogurt together and didn' t like it, and, figuring I already "wasted my calories", started eating more and more. I'm just glad I caught myself.
I KNOW I can do this. I need to control myself. Power comes from a calm center. If I grow too anxious, I'll binge. I just need to stay focused and find something non-food-related to do. I should study, but I'm thinking maybe I should step out of my room so I am completely away from food.
I'm proud of myself for coming and journaling instead of overindulging in a foodfest. I think I'll go call one of my friends and chit chat for a while, then I'll have a glass of water and go on a walk. Will update later.

UPDATE: SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT. It's only 12:22 and I've eaten all my meals for the day, plus this:

4 healthy choice fudge bars
1 cup blueberries
1 1/2 cup fiber one + 1 c kashi golean + 1/2 cup almond breeze
4 western bagel alternative pitas
5 pack quaker weight control oatmeal, dry

I hate myself.

UPDATE 11:17 PM: Alright, it's time to suck it up. Another Day 1 begins tomorrow. I'm going to try my damnedest (sp?) to make it the last Day 1. Here we go.

Day 1

Oct 09 2008 08:38

DAY 1 DAY 1 DAY 1!!! I'm PUMPED!
Pack your bags, fat! You're outta here!

My day today is filled with TONS of protein, 125 grams to be exact.
I have planned out my meals already on my calorie log, now I just have to stick to them. I know I also need to drink TONS and TONS of water.

My mini-goal for right now is to eat cleanly until my birthday, which is on the 14th of this month. Here I go!

11:33 AM UPDATE: As I sit here eating my lunch, I find it SO HARD not to inhale my food. that's one of my hugest problems: I eat too fast. No matter how filling or volumous my meals are, I'm always done in 5-7 minutes. I think that's one of the things that fuel my binges: when I eat quickly, I don't have time to realize I'm full. So I keep eating and eating and eating to fill that hunger, and don't feel that fullness until I've gone waaaay overboard. That'll be a mini-goal for the rest of the day- to eat slowly, enjoy my food, and allow my body to digest it before shoveling anything else in.

4:45 PM UPDATE: I have finished my eating for the day. I did eat dinner early, and a little on the fast side, but that's okay. I stayed on track with my meal plan and I feel good about that. I am proud of myself!!

Getting Ready

Oct 08 2008 23:06

"Tomorrow is a new day."

I've said that to myself so much it just doesn't have meaning anymore. I'll binge, reassure myself that I'll eat better "tomorrow," and then brerak down and binge again. That's the problem with "tomorrow." It's always a day away.

Today was my last binge. I mean it this time. It's disgusting and I just can't feel like this anymore. My birthday is on Tuesday. I want to be happy on that day. I can't do that if I'm binging and I want to be able to enjoy a slice of cake without feeling guilty.

It's 11:11 PM, and I'm starting a healthy lifestyle NOW. I'm not waiting for tomorrow again. It's time to be productive.

Here's to wiping the slate clean and moving forward!