bigbitty's Journal

depression again

Nov 12 2009 03:33

i have it all, a beautiful daughter, a wonderful son, a great husband...

i cant seem to breastfeed

i keep getting ill

i am at a plateau

work has slowed down and so has our money

i havent been spending enough time with my son

i am full of anxiety and stress. and I just dont want to end up back in the mother baby unit, i cant do that again, i dont want to be on antidepressants again, but i feel lik e i just cannot cope anymore, i feel like i am approaching the breaking point.

does anyone know what to do to prevent themselves from going over the edge when they are at this stage... is it too late, the intrusive thoughts have already returned, and I can no longer sleep, i lost interest in most things, and I am hardly leaving the house. does this mean game over, and the depression is definite, can i bounce back from this...

i feel like my daughter is so perfect, she deserves a perfect mother. and i suck...

heat is freaking me out

Nov 08 2009 17:52

ugh i am losing it, its getting hot, im getting bothered, and i am thinking about snacking, like my baby boy had fries last night, so i ate a big handful of brocolli because I was really thinking about taking one (especially isnce he was just eating the ketchup)

I need to keep focused, i need to get smaller, to live, I am sooooo heavby right now, i need to get smaller to live...

where are my friends at???

Nov 07 2009 15:31

wow i was just doing some spring cleaning on my friends list and i found like 75% of them are inactive, gone for MONTHS. have i been a bad friends, should i have orchestrated some kind of intervention. now i feel bad :(

All in perspective

Nov 07 2009 14:43

so far i have lost my son's weight ~14kg

and I STILL have to lose my husbands weight ~60kg

Jeepers. That is staggering. But I guess losing it is better than walking around feeling like I have my husband piggy back riding on me all day...

the trick works

Nov 05 2009 11:12

6 days and no real shift...

then i realised i was not getting all the way to 1800 and not drinking quite enough...

so i drank all of my h20 and I ate a REAL 1800 cal last night

saw a 2lb loss on the scale today, booyah!

that makes a total of a 2lb loss for this week. Yaya!

I messed up my calorie counts

Nov 04 2009 02:12

so i have been logging in a paper journal, and I guess I was rounding too much because my dh checked over my caloreis and I was 300 calories lower than i thought i would be. I hope i havent been too low all this week. I am just low on time, and i cant do it online right now, so i do it on paper, and use the calorie amounts i know (since i eat the same things all the time) ugh, i cant eat anything now either, its 2am!!!

what a nice day

Nov 03 2009 15:36

didnt realise today was a public holiday, and we went to the park to play. What a great day, and I feel good too.

I did miss breakfast though, but had a nice healthy lunch and will have my creal for a snack later, so i dont miss out on the soy milk for the day. I feel really great, a lot happier than i have been feeling lately!

My super secret diet is still working mwahahaha

Nov 02 2009 15:10

i just lost another pound on my super secret diet. I eat all the steamed veggies I can eat, plenty of protein in vegan form, and drink lots of water. I total about 1800-1900 calories per day. Oh and I am breast feeding. For snacks I have rice cakes with hummus. Thats it. I feel great, Im not hungry, if I want something different i have it, but i just always have the veggies, and I DONT eat fried food.

I also dont add oil to my food, which is fine because my husband is cooking for me and he is a phenomenal oil free cook!

I am feeling alright today, not so down in the dumps

People said I look nice

Nov 01 2009 23:36

I don't know if its because I was dressed nice, or really happy but a lot of people commented about how nice I look, I dont think they were sure if I lost weight, at my weight maybe they just didnt want to bring it up... Haha, I am so happy. I had a good day too, 200g off the scale.

I think the weight loss is finally leveling out to something more long term. 200g per day may put me around 3lb per week which is about 10% of my weight, YIKES...

SO all is good, I am happy, and I had some creamed corn too, yum...

30lbs and I still look like crap

Oct 30 2009 16:46

sure a lot of the weight was from having the baby, and the resultant fluid loss afterwards, but I still look like crap, I thought I might at least be looking a little better by this amount, like sure 5 or 10 lbs i wouldnt see a difference, but 30, geez, I just want to not look like a beached whale anymore. Man I needed to vent.

I always catchthese glimpses in the mirror, where I don't look so bad, then I will be in a photo, or make a vid, and I will look like a hot mess all over again. Whenwill i start to see a bit of improvement, 50 lbs, 100 pounds, 150 pounds...

I am not going to stop eating healthy or anyhting, I just feel down in the dumps, and its doesn't help that today has been a rainy day...