blackrose007's Journal

been awhile

Dec 15 2009 23:15

Well, exercise wise I have abandoned any hope of this but I am now working mainly outside doing this and that. I am a WWOOFer and am working at a spiritual retreat center. Today I worked for about 6 hrs putting wooden shingles on a cabin, yesterday I spent time changing the bucket of an excavator, greasing it and driving it to a new location then carried some shelving and ended making handles for a wheelbarrow with an old time of chisel blade thing--it was fun.

Either way I am sure I am getting my exercise in doing this---I really should wake up and doing yoga with everyone-but with the darker days I find my motivation has waned--my mission is to try to get that going for tomorrow--at least maybe once a week I can get organized enough to get some yoga in. I have begun to do my meditation in the morning again after almost a month without doing it.

My daughter and former wife are coming for a visit this Saturday which should be a complete trip and a half after not seeing either one of them for over 4 months!!! I have very little funds but I will bring them to the hot springs and there are a lot of free pot lucks here in the small town mountain areas of BC during these next couple weeks. I am living a life of spiritual wealth and material poverty, and have never been happier even if I am slowly turning into a strange human being.

Well, I ate badly today and last night and feel bloated--mainly because my mother sent me a couple weeks worth of chocolate last night and I ate it all. But, I normally eat well since this retreat center is vegetarian, organic, and they farm and make almost everything they eat. I have eaten things I cannot explain since they make up recipes on a whim--the woman who runs the place says she is half angel and makes things without any planning, uses random ingredients--hell I have had cookies with celery in them and yet they taste wonderful.

It is going to be very hard keeping track of things in this site but I want to check my winter consumption since I tend to eat too much during the winter and the food here is wonderful!!

The power of embracing the self!!!

Nov 25 2009 16:23

There are times that create one, the beginnings of a new world and these are a piece of mine. Change is a part of the world we live, those who forget such things will find they struggle within this existence. I come to you humble from years of resisting my own self, a man who found the dark road and had embraced it with a strength only one who knows themself can attain. But I have found my way out of my self formed darkness and now am what I am.

Within these changes I have found myself in foreign territory doing things I never had the courage to do, things that was once not my way, was not who I am. I have embraced confrontation when necessary and have come out strong. Painting class, yoga and meditation classes and collectives are just part of my routine now. At the same time I am gaining experience that will lead me to someday owning my own farm, having my own peaceful existence with the skills necessary to survive--I am in one word,becoming .

For a long time I was a self imposed servant to others, but those days are over and dead now, never to be again. If one wishes to join my path then they will need to follow mine or be lucky enough to just happen to have their path coincide with mine naturally---for I am what I am and if I follow myself then I will never be lead astray.

Within this I have found BC as being my home for at least my time in Canada, for I have traveled coast to coast and know now the Kootenays are where I belong. When one knows where they are meant to be it is a beginning of potential long-term happiness. I am living in pure positive charge, there has never been a more relaxed person in existence and one ready to lead by example. There is absolutely no one, no drama of any sort that can tumble these meadows, crumble these peaks, absorb these rainbows. In truth, the dark fears me and I can smell that fear and rival in it, dance with it knowing such things are beneath me, never to be anywhere near me besides under my feet, in the tread of my boots being crushed into the earth.

I will take those in pain and show them the way, form a peace that encompasses their existence, let them find themselves and love that essence until they too are unstoppable. And I do not mind if your true self is what many would call evil, deviant, or just plain wrong--if it is you then I embrace it with a love pure without judgment. Be well my friends and if the dark touches you remember you have a friend in me.

missions

Aug 29 2009 14:05

My goal today is to reach my calorie intake goal today--I am still out with a blown knee and have nothing to do at camp so its only 1500, I will shoot for 1600. Already got 400 cals in, which I have realized has been good for the mornings. Lately I have been getting no more than 1400 cals in and some days I burn almost 4000 cals from the hard fruit picking labour--probably more but all they have here is moderate effort fruit picking--I would be fired if I did moderate effort!

Well, I guess that is the good thing of cc--at least I can realize I got to get myself back in order--I am going to try to make bread tonight at camp--that should do it.

So far I have had a strip of seaweed and a handful of trail mix--oh and a coffee---but its only 11am here so thats actually good for me--lately I have not been eating more than a meal a day after work is over.

I think the problem is I am not yet comfortable and when I am not I do not like to cook and I forget to eat--so I am taking today and tomorrow off also so I will try to turn that around--cannot guarantee when I start working again but hell there is nothing else to do in this town.

I see

Aug 28 2009 16:17

well with picking in BC I have a constant deficit of 1500-3000 calories a day--hmmm-thats not good

I am in Castlegar BC

Aug 21 2009 00:19

So I took an 8 hr hik today up and down mountains and through beautiful BC woods. I figured I would splurdge and get a big mac meal supersized--have not eaten more than 500 calories in total for 3 days in food--lots of coffee and pop though. I figure I am running on a permanant 2000 cal deficit at least everyday--currently I will not really change that cause its my nature but after the transition is maintained then I will level out and get healthy again---its just all this randomness that gets to me.

I am missing my daughter a littl bit but I think it will be good to stay with my friends for a bit just to level out and get used to stuff. I hate to be a burdan though so only for a bit I will stay. Well I better go now--chow

weds

Aug 05 2009 10:15

Did my shopping yesterday-my groceries for the road ended up being $90--which is not too bad being that most of the stuff will last at least a month if not more--the rest will last a couple weeks so I do not have to worry too much for the initial timeframe. Also about a week after I leave I should get my final pay cheque here which will be around $750 so if the farm I choose does not give out pay cheques until a couple weeks after work starts then I should still be good for my needs. (plus if I run out of gas on the way I can just sit somewhere for a week and wait until the money comes in for more gas)

I did a few variations--decided against the powdered milk--It will be the same or cheaper just to get milk sometimes and much healthier and tasty that way. Also just got a good trail mix with raw sunflower seeds, nuts and raisons in it instead of grabbing all of this seperate--still have to watch my budget right now--later I may have more resources (or less but I will cross that bridge when I get there).

I will grab my greens before I leave--I wonder what travels well without refridgeration?

Tuesday--grocery list for travels

Aug 04 2009 12:21

Grocery list for food for the orchards

Margarine
olive oil
flour
salt
baking powder
powdered milk
nuts
raw sunflower seeds
coffee
sugar
honey
tea
seaweed
rice
maybe Quinoa
dark chocolate
tuna
chick peas
eggs
soya sauce
peanut butter
pepper

as I go

Kale
berries/apples
cottage cheese
occasional meat

Breakfast:

Would consist of probably eggs/coffee and a piece of chocolate before I hit the orchard

Lunch:

Will not really stop for lunch too much but will carry a can of tuna, some nuts and will eat the apples and berries all arround me.

Dinner:

No matter what there will be a herbal tea involved--but either bannock with sunflower seeds and maybe some raisons (peanut butter or margarine) or a rice/soya sauce/seaweed/chick pea mixture. I will also have a little Kale to bring it together for my greens and the cottage cheese/meat will be eaten on the times I actually go shopping--so maybe once a week or 2. With a light vitamin this should keep me healthy enough.

I am sure I will get this and that here and there and whatever is cheapest will be sought after--but this is what I will load the truck up with to begin.

Monday

Aug 03 2009 11:23

Wel, my body tyoe is changing once again. being that I had decided that the weights were not going to be sustainable as I travel and even the cardio has become non-existent I have changed to a pretty flabby sort. I am sure when I go into the orchards things will alter once again--little foods, lots of outside work--should make me into a different sort all throughout.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just preparing to die--it seems like it--I am giving away everything I own, am only bring a couple things I would mind losing--all else is being left in a bin at the x's basement. The rest of what I am bring is only the bare necessities and bare it definitely is. I have got my truck to 25% full and am planning on cutting that by another half--going very light. Basically I am only grabbing what can be put on my back then keeping a few luxury items for long stays--like the big coleman stove, a few extra pots and a big water jug--very advanced living high class style that is--basically something I will not worry about leaving in the truck on the side of the road if that truck decides to die on me.

Unfortunately because of money issues I will not be able to get the truck checked (I think the u joint will go any time now_, I will not be able to fix my teeth (I have at least one cavity), and I will have to go straight to the orchards right away to recoop costs--if I even have enough to spend on gas to get out there. This definitely seems like something that is meant to be, living on the edge has always been an extremely positive reality for me--sometimes I lose a tooth here and there, the body gains some more scars and aches, but in the end I have many more stories and experiences that fill this boring existence up.

There are many people out there jelous of me right now, but really all you have to do is have nothing to lose--pretty easy to risk nothing for something--not brave at all--bravery comes from risking something and I have very little that can be seen as worth. Sure I got myself, but hell, its not like I can rid myself of that and losing yourself means that you would have had to have somewhere in which you were.

Either way--these will be my last 4 entries for a bit--thursday i leave work and internet access in any constant form will cease to be.

yep

Jul 30 2009 10:28

well 15minutes after I wrote my journal entry yesterday morn I went home. Did some raki on my roomate--too many blocks--then disappeared into spiritual doorways. wow, thats ll I have to say.....

life is good-not because of the way it was written but because of how I rewrote it.

corn

Jul 29 2009 09:12

Can I keep up with the change of winds?

Last night I was feeling a little dreary--10 days in a row of cloudy rainy days will do that to a person sooner or later. So I went and did some tai chi dancing then I grounded myself letting the negative influences go into the ground. At that moment I all of a sudden got charged from up above and the amount of energy made me drunk, woozy and I stumbled almost passing out as I did back to the cabin. My roomate wanted to play crib and every hand was at least 12 points and I double skunked her--she thought I was morose but I just said that I am trying to stop myself from exploding from all the power I just got charged with.

Things go from extreme to extreme--I am able to withstand such tumult from the heavy hail on my roof without even blinking. There is fear underneath my skin but I am pushed forward and forced to survive or die over and over and over again that i do not have time to think on it. I suppose I am not meant for rest, peace or even a moment of simple pleasure without the weight of the world upon me. I sometimes wish I had not so many burdans but then again would I really like that?

Well, off I go now, all charged, wondering how I made it to work as I still feel a little drunk with it all---I need to do raki on my roomate--I chickened out last night as I fear the intimacy of it but now I know I need to do it before I explode--maybe i should take some time off this afternoon to get that done.