blackrose007's Journal

missions

Aug 29 2009 14:05

My goal today is to reach my calorie intake goal today--I am still out with a blown knee and have nothing to do at camp so its only 1500, I will shoot for 1600. Already got 400 cals in, which I have realized has been good for the mornings. Lately I have been getting no more than 1400 cals in and some days I burn almost 4000 cals from the hard fruit picking labour--probably more but all they have here is moderate effort fruit picking--I would be fired if I did moderate effort!

Well, I guess that is the good thing of cc--at least I can realize I got to get myself back in order--I am going to try to make bread tonight at camp--that should do it.

So far I have had a strip of seaweed and a handful of trail mix--oh and a coffee---but its only 11am here so thats actually good for me--lately I have not been eating more than a meal a day after work is over.

I think the problem is I am not yet comfortable and when I am not I do not like to cook and I forget to eat--so I am taking today and tomorrow off also so I will try to turn that around--cannot guarantee when I start working again but hell there is nothing else to do in this town.

I see

Aug 28 2009 16:17

well with picking in BC I have a constant deficit of 1500-3000 calories a day--hmmm-thats not good

I am in Castlegar BC

Aug 21 2009 00:19

So I took an 8 hr hik today up and down mountains and through beautiful BC woods. I figured I would splurdge and get a big mac meal supersized--have not eaten more than 500 calories in total for 3 days in food--lots of coffee and pop though. I figure I am running on a permanant 2000 cal deficit at least everyday--currently I will not really change that cause its my nature but after the transition is maintained then I will level out and get healthy again---its just all this randomness that gets to me.

I am missing my daughter a littl bit but I think it will be good to stay with my friends for a bit just to level out and get used to stuff. I hate to be a burdan though so only for a bit I will stay. Well I better go now--chow

weds

Aug 05 2009 10:15

Did my shopping yesterday-my groceries for the road ended up being $90--which is not too bad being that most of the stuff will last at least a month if not more--the rest will last a couple weeks so I do not have to worry too much for the initial timeframe. Also about a week after I leave I should get my final pay cheque here which will be around $750 so if the farm I choose does not give out pay cheques until a couple weeks after work starts then I should still be good for my needs. (plus if I run out of gas on the way I can just sit somewhere for a week and wait until the money comes in for more gas)

I did a few variations--decided against the powdered milk--It will be the same or cheaper just to get milk sometimes and much healthier and tasty that way. Also just got a good trail mix with raw sunflower seeds, nuts and raisons in it instead of grabbing all of this seperate--still have to watch my budget right now--later I may have more resources (or less but I will cross that bridge when I get there).

I will grab my greens before I leave--I wonder what travels well without refridgeration?

Tuesday--grocery list for travels

Aug 04 2009 12:21

Grocery list for food for the orchards

Margarine
olive oil
flour
salt
baking powder
powdered milk
nuts
raw sunflower seeds
coffee
sugar
honey
tea
seaweed
rice
maybe Quinoa
dark chocolate
tuna
chick peas
eggs
soya sauce
peanut butter
pepper

as I go

Kale
berries/apples
cottage cheese
occasional meat

Breakfast:

Would consist of probably eggs/coffee and a piece of chocolate before I hit the orchard

Lunch:

Will not really stop for lunch too much but will carry a can of tuna, some nuts and will eat the apples and berries all arround me.

Dinner:

No matter what there will be a herbal tea involved--but either bannock with sunflower seeds and maybe some raisons (peanut butter or margarine) or a rice/soya sauce/seaweed/chick pea mixture. I will also have a little Kale to bring it together for my greens and the cottage cheese/meat will be eaten on the times I actually go shopping--so maybe once a week or 2. With a light vitamin this should keep me healthy enough.

I am sure I will get this and that here and there and whatever is cheapest will be sought after--but this is what I will load the truck up with to begin.

Monday

Aug 03 2009 11:23

Wel, my body tyoe is changing once again. being that I had decided that the weights were not going to be sustainable as I travel and even the cardio has become non-existent I have changed to a pretty flabby sort. I am sure when I go into the orchards things will alter once again--little foods, lots of outside work--should make me into a different sort all throughout.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just preparing to die--it seems like it--I am giving away everything I own, am only bring a couple things I would mind losing--all else is being left in a bin at the x's basement. The rest of what I am bring is only the bare necessities and bare it definitely is. I have got my truck to 25% full and am planning on cutting that by another half--going very light. Basically I am only grabbing what can be put on my back then keeping a few luxury items for long stays--like the big coleman stove, a few extra pots and a big water jug--very advanced living high class style that is--basically something I will not worry about leaving in the truck on the side of the road if that truck decides to die on me.

Unfortunately because of money issues I will not be able to get the truck checked (I think the u joint will go any time now_, I will not be able to fix my teeth (I have at least one cavity), and I will have to go straight to the orchards right away to recoop costs--if I even have enough to spend on gas to get out there. This definitely seems like something that is meant to be, living on the edge has always been an extremely positive reality for me--sometimes I lose a tooth here and there, the body gains some more scars and aches, but in the end I have many more stories and experiences that fill this boring existence up.

There are many people out there jelous of me right now, but really all you have to do is have nothing to lose--pretty easy to risk nothing for something--not brave at all--bravery comes from risking something and I have very little that can be seen as worth. Sure I got myself, but hell, its not like I can rid myself of that and losing yourself means that you would have had to have somewhere in which you were.

Either way--these will be my last 4 entries for a bit--thursday i leave work and internet access in any constant form will cease to be.

yep

Jul 30 2009 10:28

well 15minutes after I wrote my journal entry yesterday morn I went home. Did some raki on my roomate--too many blocks--then disappeared into spiritual doorways. wow, thats ll I have to say.....

life is good-not because of the way it was written but because of how I rewrote it.

corn

Jul 29 2009 09:12

Can I keep up with the change of winds?

Last night I was feeling a little dreary--10 days in a row of cloudy rainy days will do that to a person sooner or later. So I went and did some tai chi dancing then I grounded myself letting the negative influences go into the ground. At that moment I all of a sudden got charged from up above and the amount of energy made me drunk, woozy and I stumbled almost passing out as I did back to the cabin. My roomate wanted to play crib and every hand was at least 12 points and I double skunked her--she thought I was morose but I just said that I am trying to stop myself from exploding from all the power I just got charged with.

Things go from extreme to extreme--I am able to withstand such tumult from the heavy hail on my roof without even blinking. There is fear underneath my skin but I am pushed forward and forced to survive or die over and over and over again that i do not have time to think on it. I suppose I am not meant for rest, peace or even a moment of simple pleasure without the weight of the world upon me. I sometimes wish I had not so many burdans but then again would I really like that?

Well, off I go now, all charged, wondering how I made it to work as I still feel a little drunk with it all---I need to do raki on my roomate--I chickened out last night as I fear the intimacy of it but now I know I need to do it before I explode--maybe i should take some time off this afternoon to get that done.

soon

Jul 27 2009 10:23

As the time gets closer there are mixed feelings as I prepare to venture. The fact i know it is a great positive change in my existence does not change the fact that it is also pretty risky.

In the daughter realm I have finally started to see that I have but 2 weekends and one last full week to spend with her in the moments before my travels. With some wierd shift it seems that the x has decided not to watch the introduction of the new Bo and Luna has commented on how he sleeps with mumme--which i thought the plan was that she brings him in as just a roomate and friend for awhile. I guess in this it is not really my business and I should really have known that her selfish behaviour would not allow her to think of her daughter too long as her own personal life outrumps that of the more delicate minds. So I spent my first hr with Luna this weekend repairing that type of damage and making her be comfortable with that situation that is occuring. Sometimes I feel all I do is patch work after the x has ignored common decency once again for her own self interest. But, I cannot leave my daughter in pain so I do what needs to be done to make her strong and ready for obvious alterations in mentality.

In this I am nervous--I have always been Luna's rock--when she has fevers I call the fairies, when mumme has been a little less tolerant I have explained the ways of the world and smoothed her damaged ego, and when she has embraced her own selfish ideas brought by negative interaction I have reminded her how every little action can cause negative or positive reactions that she can control with an open heart and willingness not to harm. Lups will lose this constant when I leave to wander in my own necessary direction. Again, I cannot change, nor would, the direction I have in my mind of what I need to do---but this does make it harder--I wish I knew Luna had a mother that would put her daughter first, and I think she does, but her mother has over-estimated Luna and has forgotten that she is still a child with a turmoil within her, hidden under the surface.

But--that I cannot do besides plant some seeds that will maintain Luna while I am gone--here and there reassure her via mail that my love is still there no matter how far and long I may end up.

Money has become tight because of some unexpected occurances and now I will be very hard set to even have the gas to get to BC--but once there the money should be enough to keep me comfortable for at least a couple months--just have to be a watcher of resources until then. The truck may die and I will need to prepare for that in a way that does not cost money.

My tarot's have been done, my runes cast--I know what needs to be done and I know I am not only the only one able to do it but I am the best and my odds are good. This confidence will carry me through the turmoil that will occur in BC when I go in search of fire. I nightly do a combination of dance and tai chi which I have learned is the best way for me to do my spiritual work and is my battle stance when in the heat of adversity. When one is in dier straights embracing ones strengths is the way to create balance and ensure a positive outcome, no matter what that shall be.

I better go now and pretend to work--soon I will be rid of this call center reality--I am eager in its end.

My resignation-I am finally on the road to freedom!

Jul 23 2009 10:37

*****Basically because of work conditions such as excessive heat, what I consider as poor management skills when it comes to dealing with the client, and a few other million little reasons that ad up to me having no excuse to be here I am sending my 2 week notice (don't worry I won't send some stupid email or create chaos--I have too much character for that). August 6th will be my last day at Teleperformance. Have a great life!******

I am now not only considering apple picking in BC but WWOOFing in the next spring so I can get a good agriculture background and get out from under the office work depressive existence. Call this a midlife crisis of a re-examination of my true potential but I am on my way to finding a career that I can be proud of. I have to admit it was all inspired by Chelsea--who, it looks like, does not want any type of romantic relationship, but has done enough to put me into a more positive perspective of life. Sometimes all one needs is a little support from someone they love to get the ball rolling.

I have even started to research beekeeping which is something I have been thinking about for years but did not have a good stable ground to explore. One of my friends has an uncle she will contact for next spring to see if they need any type of assistance--maybe someday i will be a beekeeper--keeping all the holistic world in golden pleasure while enhancing the overall growth of the area I live in.

Yes--a job I can be proud of, no longer avoiding any talk of what I do but initiating the conversation to direct towards it. All from ridding myself of negative influence and embracing only positive surroundings conducive of personal growth instead of mundane technological drag.

In 2 weeks time I will probably disconnect for a very long time, travelling the realm of vision quests and peaceful breath. I am definitely in a good space--one I belong in--taking control over where I will walk from now on---it is the time to finally concentrate on myself and what I wish to become.