blueyedblonde1956's Journal

I think I am going to skip the formalities of xmas!
Nov 24 2009 13:19

Not much money this year, Kyle is living with dad may just send a gift certificate, and do the photo album for his 18th birthday in April.

Told Dad and Maggie yesterday I will call them back 1 week before xmas to see if I want them to come, I invited them and then told them yesterday not to come I will call them 1 week before xmas to see if I can get into the spirit right now I amd not, with Kyle gone I don't want to be bothered with all the work, the extra shopping, cooking, cleaning, changing my whole daily lifestyle and having to entertain and of course the extra expenses I just don't have this year etc....since Kyle is gone so is my xmas spirit...I just think I will let this year slid by...I know that doesn't sound like me but the only reason I can think of to put up my 7ft tree is for the kitties.

I mean it's alot of work and I simply can't be bothered, maybe a little 2 ft tree is all I need..my 7ft tree takes hours of pulling out branches, lining up for the trunk, taking out and putting on and up all the decorations and then all the same to take it down, noone will be here I don't think I feel like having company...so why bother...I will probably cook my turkey though but I am just not in the MOOD this year! to entertain or celebrate, I must be getting OLD?  Simple as that ....I know it's strange..just call me scrooge.lol..never thought I would say it but must be true...lol  Oh well I have my kitties...people are going to start calling me the 'cat lady'...lol Ba humbug!...lol

Christmas and my family?
Nov 22 2009 20:12

I called Maggie and dad I thought this phone call would be the worst mistake of my life... but when Maggie got off the phone and came back saying Dad and her would love to come to my place for xmas ............well what can I say.....woohoo....excellent! 

I even called Kyle later to get him and his dad here toooooo but I am not sure that may happen!my ex husband and my  dad and his new wife Maggie from 1996!!! well they don't want him here,,,,,poor Kyle I wany him here but his dad is not welcome according to my dad and Maggie!!

Right now I wish I had a lover..woohoo......here it is 8'30pm and I haven't even eaten yet today,......sp much for losing calories...at least I can honesty say I love Celine Dion xmas music!

No matter what you hear or play I love the disco versions of all the xmas songs!!

What to do when you stop caring?
Nov 17 2009 21:07

 I am having a hard time doing the ----deficiting lately it's been only maintenance eating what I burn....I know the little devil on the shoulder is winning, and it is so hard with all the temptations, boredom, and I don't have the strength to say 'NO', plus I am not working out.....I am in a rut and to make things worse the 'dating site a man is interested and I am not, I said I was hibernating!....and how is your day? haha Maybe that's why some people are absent on here they have given up?  I keep saying tomorrow I will start  tomorrow I will not cheat I am good for a few days and then I slip up and then somedays I am great till about 7:30-8pm, and then I start eating.  There is no point in giving me a kick..or telling me what I got to do...I have to want to and until I muster up that internal drive and ambition I am at a stand still, I don't know anymore, I don't care...I guess I am just bored with life these days and the food is comforting, what else can I say...please don't kick me it doesn't and isn't helping!  Sorry that I feel this way but sometimes life is a drag and ....no... going out and volunteering is not the answer I have back issues and as i have said before if I could do something like that then I would be working and getting paid, anyway I wish I could like on TBL just figure out why I eat so much and do this self sabotaging...I want to lose weight on one hand and then I am eating with the other? I think I am nuts! lolI have lost interest in everything these days except for my cats and tv is that a rut or what...? Nice sunny days and I just don't seem to care anymore, I am not depressed just fad up with dieting....yes dieting!  I know I know naughty word and I don't care that's what it is I have been at this since Dec07 from 198 and up and down and at present at 171 was at 159 in the spring but overeating brought it up some. 

My problem is I love to eat...overeat...simple as that...I get upset, bored, or feel alone in the world ...whatever.. I eat!, people give me good ideas but I don't seem to care anymore and am now admiting to the fact I am getting lazy and in a rut too...the simple thing is I can't be bothered.  In the spring when I know I will be wearing shorts, tank tops and the hopeful desire to get into a bikini again I have my reason and drive but at this time of year I don't seem to care.  I am even struggling every morning with a reason to even get out of bed if I didn't have my 2 kitties Angel and Buttons to feed I am sure I would just stay in bed.  I think people constantly coming and goin on my over 50+ thread is starting to bother me too it makes it so easy to quit, I need strong determined to lose weight people in my life not ones always talking about eating pizza, cake, and cheating all the time, and I think this is why I am now cheating alot more.  I don't work because of my back, have no interest in volunteering if I could stand or sit around doing some form of work then I would be doing it and getting paid not be on disability..., have few friends, don't want to date anyone at all, am happy just being at home, have no interests, live cheque to cheque, have my 2 kitties and my tv I live my life through tv, but these people that stay are doing so well, but they have jobs, friends go to fitness clubs to work out, have the money to afford to go to clubs to workout and friends to work out with I am having myself a pity party here and even the kicks I got aren't helping...I don't know what to do to shake these feeling out of me either?

No I am NOT suffering from depression!

I am just fad up with dieting, counting, logging working out all for what just to keep losing, gaining, losing, gaining, shed 25-30lbs to get into a bikini for who, why?  I have been doing this since Dec07 the novelty has worn off an am having a hard time justifing reasons to even bother anymore!  Kyle is gone and I have such a hole there now it seems why bother in 30-40 years I will be dead or so old who will even care, I am not depressed I just don't care anymore!

Wish there was a therapy club on here to get to the bottom of why do I eat and why do I sabotage...always not just with food but with people, relationships too....ah I think I am pretty pathetically hopeless!Like i said I don't care!  Wonder why I have turned into this cynical bitch? or maybe I just need to blow off some pent up steam?...I don't know?

Did we even get an Indian summer?
Oct 31 2009 13:40

I felt kinda bad awhile ago I found out one of our CC members has been suffering and since I don't get back on journals very often missed her entry a few days ago. 

I post everyday in the thread but since I seem to spend so much time reading and doing that my back just doesn't like this long sitting to also post back here in the journals too, I do try to check out everyone every couple weeks or so or as I remember but such is life.

Did Ontario even get an 'Indian Summer' this year?...maybe a few days a couple weeks ago when it was mild, or maybe next week...I didn't hear anything? All the yellow leaves have almost all hit the ground and I fear that the cold weather has arrived...although I don't know what happened to Indian summer did we ever get one it was warm a couple weeks ago they say it comes always after the first frost?

Kyle is doing well...no problems to report there...he does sound kinda unexcited about anything, maybe its he is bored with the situation, and not what he expected, I mean him and I did things together, but his dad with his knees, weight etc never wants to do anything...and I don't think Rob and Nicole his aunt and uncle are doing much cuz they are busy with their own problems! Well I will be hopefully going down next summer so I will cheer him up, I do call him often now that I have a better phone plan!

I can't help but feel sorry for Kyle though...I know I told Brian to get him some halloween treats, which he did, and buy him some VitvC pills too..so I hope he listens or little guy will get sick or ear infections...I can't help but be a mother even from a distance!..i miss him what can I say!

Buttons is 5 month old now oh he is such a doll, and affectionate he lies on me several times a day, i love it...where Angel he is 3 and always into himself and his space!...He was always that way he really was Kyles cat though always slept with him...but Kyle couldn't take him although Angel does surprise me once in awhile and actually lie beside me on the couch to be petted! Men? lol

Nicole thinks Brian has a mental disorder now? Wants them out!
Oct 16 2009 22:54

I really don't know what to do, burt Nicole has had it, she won't kick them out without a plan of action, but still this is upsetting to say the least.  So i guess Brian passed down to Kyle all these learning disablilties, I have been website surfing trying to find agencies..where Kyle can live somewhere, get the professional help he needs and also be taken care of...he can't come back here because of the trouble he got into and he is on probation but if i can find an place where he can get constant supervision, a home a bed food clothing guidance and an education...someplace..he is to old for foster care besides there he wouldn't be getting the guidance and professional help he needs.  But Nicole told me she is looking into it too but she wants him out and probably Brian too so if I had of know all this I never would have let him move in there in Montreal...but it was that or jail for the breaches...some choice eh?

Poor Kyle being bounced around like this ...can't be good for him, if he just had of stayed out of trouble here...grr

He has learning disabilites I know and processing difficulties, and if he has outbursts, now because of great dads influence he won't or can't follow rules and do what he is told he will have great troubles getting a job if he doesn't have the processing skills required to even make up a resume...as Nicole says he needs to be hand held in almost every thing he does, so he needs round the clock supervision, guidance, and education, professional doctors and shelter by people who really care.......!! Is there such a place! No not a mental institution or jail! I have written a couple sites for learning disabilites and am going to my doctor next week for my complete pap exam etc so maybe i can ask her for suggestions....if i can get Kyle back here into some program fine, but getting him away from his father will be almost impossible especially when he turns 18 in April I won't be able to intervene then!

I have always had trouble with being able to do the resource info thing, I never know who to contact for what service and the blue pages well I am at a loss completely there but am trying my best..I just wonder if there is even such a place where Kyle can live, get an education with his special needs, get all his financial and emotional needs met, plus get work at some point, have freedom not be locked up, make friends and have relationships, and be able to one day be independant enough to make a life for himself, Nicole doesn't think that will be possible, she believes he will need to be guided or hand held through all decisions forever!  I am so deeply saddened by these latest events, I don't know what to do anymore.  He's such a sweet boy surely there is a solution out there somewhere!..BEB

poor Kyle, my baby!
Oct 16 2009 14:35

I didn't get much sleep last night worrying about KYle!  Well Nicole now believes that Brian has a mental disorder...and is looking into gov't agencies that can shelter, job and house Brian and perhaps Kyle, they are both bad for each other and Nicole can't be expected to be a prisoner in her own home.  I always knew that KYle was good with his hands, but I also know that he will be hand held throughout his entire life, Kyle can't even grasp the simpliest of things as making a resume so yes he needs to be guiding and hand held for the rest of his life and sounds like Brian is the same way, I wonder why I confused laziness with a mental disorder, dispite the fact he had a lot of jobs and lost a lot through accidents (truck driver), and his mouth he did work as Nicole points out she sees so many similarities with the 2 of them....outbursts, incapable of decision making, lack of memory(Brian only), unable to connect the dots...the list goes on. and on..so this is where it stands...I have been in close touch with her and  mentioned that anyone she deals with had better also talk with me, there is alot of input and of course I know more about him then anyone..as for Brian I could care less if he gets on a spaceship to mars...Kyle is my only concern....I feel bad though that the family I thought he was going to get in Montreal was a rouse...he never sees the battling grandparents, the aunt Lori and Uncle Gary are  always working or away...so it is just Brian and he is a bad influence all the way, Nicole and Rob and now not even around them, hiding in their bedroom....so my poor kid...is being bounced around like a ping pong ball...I wonder if there is a place he can live where like mentally challenged adults there is a structured shelter home with rules, guidance doctors etc....but not a nut house for lack of a better word at the moment....he does have intelligence I have seen him take things apart and put back together while I am still reading the instructions....Nicole says she sees alot of same things in both Brian and Kyle and thinks Brian has had a mental disorder his whole life and has been hiding it....so needless to say she is keeping me in the loop on any decisions that will be made...but it seems she is trying to get me to take Kyle back here, I can't do that right now, I don't have the strength to go through this right now, he is in that 3 year course there!  I don't get any of this, it's heartbreaking, all I can think of is that poor kid doesn't know whether he's coming or going, it sounds like Nicole wants to pass the buck!

I just can't take him back besides he is still on Probation and he is taken that 3 year course! I gave him 17 years of my life, I am tired I just can't do it anymore!

I am so tired (mentally)...bye for now day 2 of being good on the eating!

BEBsad in sunny Barrie!I think I will go for a walk and clear my head!

The boom has dropped! Poor Nicole and Kyle!
Oct 14 2009 14:40

Well I am pretty upset today I received a very disturbing email from Nicole, Brian has been exploding in fits of anger in the mornings, and at home on the way to dropping off Nicole at work and Kyle at school, he blew up at Nicole and Kyle and stopped the car stormed off all over a discussion about pop tarts?  Now it gets worse, there has been a lot of tension going on and fighting, they are doing what they want, not listening, how can it change so quickly i don't get it..Brian isn't listening to Nicole or Rob and Kyle will only listen to Brian.

 Kyle is imitating Brian and this isn't good at all ...oh no not at all........!

Nicole went to the hospital 2 weeks ago when all this happened and lost the baby she was 2 months pregnant (I didn't know) and all due to the stress of Brians outbursts and then Kyles bezerk reactions or just the 2 guys fighting?  Kyle apparently will only listen to Brian not Nicole or Rob, and if they try to guide him he talks like Brian telling them to mind their business etc.  I knew it was a matter of time before Brian showed his true self and his abusive ways and I have plunked Kyle right into the middle of it.  God what have I done?

The trouble was one morning on the way to work and school Brian Nicole and Kyle, Nicole had suggested to Kyle to eat less sugar in the pop tarts and eat healthier breakfasts and then  Brian exploded jumping of of the car slamming the door almost breaking the window yelling he can't stand the 2 of them anymore...and stormed off which then caused a chain reation with Kyle going bezerk..Nicole has gotten so upset and stressed by all that morning crap with these 2 within the next 2 weeks got some cramping, high blood pressure and cramping, went to the hospital and she lost the baby, strange though she doesn't want them to know...why?  If Brians explosive antics have caused such a strain on Nicole to lose the baby he should be held accountable, take responsibility...why is she protecting the jerk, she doesn't want me saying anything from here he should be shown the affect he has on people she told me they both need professional help and right now Nicole and Rob have locked themselves in their bedroom to avoid confrontations, they are boarders in their own condo...I thought Brian had changed this is what Nicole told me and what I saw when I saw him but now Nicole is so upset by all this, doesn't know what to do is looking into gov't agencies and councilllors to get them help.  I feel so bad for her losing the baby over all this upset, and I hate the idea of Kyle spending one more minute with that father of his corrupted him.  Nicole says Kyle is starting to act just like him in every respect...my worst nightmare is coming true!  Nicole doesn't want me to say anything to them...why not? I don't get it.  In any case I have asked her to call me tonight to talk! Well Kyle can't come back here to Barrie, he has to stay in Montreal at last till his probation is done, it's in my house order he is not allowed to ever live here again, because of the trouble he caused here so I hope that Nicole can find some agencies to get them the help they need.  Now Kyle is young and impressionable and I know it isn't as much him but that Brian is a grown man what the heck is the matter with him and these outbursts....even anger mgmt didn't help him....you have to want the help....so this puts me in an awkward position she doesn't want me to say anything so my hands are tied...but if Kyle is exposed to a monster I want him out of there too!

And how is your day....I am having a beer, I think under the circumstances this is allowed!Now I am worried and upset?

My hands are tied, I hope Nicole calls me tonight! Maybe I can shed some comfort and light!

Boohoo in Barrie BEB!

I updated my profile, and oh no
Oct 13 2009 22:58

Seems the last time I looked at my profile Kyle was still here, so I thought I would update it, I got a call from Kyle today and he said he had an argument with Nicole and his dad and Nicole had grabbed him and shoved him up the stairs and his father on a separte occasion got out of the car swearing at Kyle as he was driving him to school, So I have emailed them wanting to find out what the heck is going on...nothing makes me madder then the thought of someone putting their hands on my son or abusing him...grr Now I don't have all the facts yet and I am truly hoping that Kyle has exaggerated the facts, he said though the only reason he grabbed Nicole back was trying to get her hands off him, he had never grabbed me in all his years so I am hoping there is no truth to this or else there will be trouble...Mother protecting her cub you know!  I know most of you don't know all the facts but the ones who do know me also know my son...I know his father has a mouthy temper at times but I was told he has changed...oh really..everytime I talk to him we end up pushing each others buttons, and I clearly heard him insulting Kyle on the phone yesterday? Saying 'your head is for something other then just a place to hang your hat..Brian has always been so darn insulting in his ways...I hope I haven't made a huge mistake...

Well I asked Kyle if he is happy there, and still wants to live there and he said yes, so I am patiently waiting for a email from them to explain this!

***The biggest loser: I was watching my programs differently tonight and MISSED Biggest loser...oh no..WHAT HAPPENED, WHO was sent home...what all did I miss..any drama with Tracey??? Please fill me in??

Well I am serious about eating more veggies!
Oct 07 2009 14:41

So I know most times I have been eating fairly well, but have noticed I am very inconsistent in my eating patterns, some days i getting my 'A' analysis and all the totals of grams are good my proteins around 80g, fat under 40g, cholesterol and sugars fiber all within range but the odd days they are pitiful it really does depend on what I am eating.

So since yesterday I am being alot more conscious of exactly what is going in, less yogurts, and fruits and a little more veggies I think, so back to buying more squashes, turnips, peppers etc again...I wonder which is the best squash, I usualy cube and boil them and batch cook enough to last me the week I do add a little beel margarine and touch of s & p and eat it just like that....so peppers I think maybe a little more stir frys without the oils of course..hmmm

I am getting enough fiber and protein with the supplement for the protein and I am eating cereals fiber1 for my fiber almost every day...also almonds, egg whites and lettuces every other day...so all in all a pretty good daily outcome...but I do need to eat more veggies...hmm

Does anyone have a good low cal healthy recipe for tossing a bunch of veggies together...other than a soup that is??

Todays food list!
Sep 24 2009 14:53

Today i will be eating this:

I salad with low cal. no fat balsamic dressing = 130 cals.

3 salmon potato cakes at 375 calories(salmon, green onions, milk, potato, lemon juice, salt, pepper.)

1 cup of fibre 1 cereal with 2% milk with honey clusters at 260 cals for a snack

1 slice of whole grain bread with 3 slices roast beef= 130 cals. (I may noteat this depends how i feel later)

1 homemade rasberry jello pudding 20 calories + dream whip 6 Tbsps 50 cal.= 70 cals. total

1 scoop of whey protein supplement on top of my cereal to bring up protein level

200 grams of black seedless grapes 134 cals.

days total cals. = 1208 or 1090

this is the analysis

Fat - 21.6% (26 grams)
Protein - 23.1% (63 grams)
Carbohydrates - 46% (126 grams)
Alcohol - 0%
Other - 9.3%

Daily Sodium Intake - 2,030 mg
Daily Sugar Intake - 56 grams
Daily Cholesterol Intake - 150 mg
Daily Saturated Fat Intake - 8 grams
Daily Fiber Intake - 21 grams

Any suggestions????????????????? I think this is a balanced day!

Nutrition Grade