blueyedblonde1956's Journal
It will be hard but i have to be strong!Jun 11 2009 11:54
I am depressed today, i am so emotional in taking everything to heart..heart...heart! I will miss the good parts, the history it would have been a year on June 28th that i met Rick on Yahoo personals, maybe in a couple weeks or month when i have cleared my heart from all chances of him every contacted me and trying to work on this relationship by then i will have accepted it's over and can move on....i know with my disability and financial situation and age it is going to be very hard to meet someone who can accept my limitations i quess that is why it ws so easy with RIck i knew he was no PRIZE in some respects but........then neither am I....i just can't contact him and that wil be hard i will have a weak moment (please pray i can be strong this time) as times passes the urge to do just that will grow stronger....and stronger..No i can't bend my principals and values....i just have to keep telling myself i DESERVE better. WHy do these men always seem so nice at the beginning and then they finally let me see who they truly are....what am i gonna do with my summer now?........i guess loneliness isn't so bad! Who am i kidding...I do have my Kitty and Kyle i suppose but it just isn't the same, well i will have to find something to do with those weeks i was to be with Rick from July15th-July28th (Kyles court date is the 28th and from July18 he is going to his dads, the Barrie festivals, Kempenfest, ribfest, the beach, golfing, etc now i have no golfing partner? I am just feeling sorry for myself now! I don't know what i am feeling? Lost in emotional waves here..snap out of it girl! Am i a nice person? do i even deserve happiness, people on the site have been talking about being here for a purpose i always thought mine was to see how much unhappiness, (punishment), misery.. one human being can suffer before snapping??!!
I am serious! Just when a little sunshine of happiness sneaks through the door something always screws it up? Quite a wall i have built around myself, a fortress of emptiness, i have 0 friends, no family, a dad who is to busy with his own life to want any part of mine, nothing but my son and my cat...how pathetic i am, i don't care anymore...i really will just have my CC buddies and waste away my life watching tv and wishing i had the life of everyone else....for anyone reading this please i beg you please don't criticise me i don't think that is helpful to me, support or wise old owl wisdom is apprecitated but not criticism...i am sore today from doing weights last night, and i am sick of this weather cloudy cool crap....!! it really does affect my mood....so now my summer plans are screwed...i sound like it's over with Rick i might as well accept it he did say after in IM that he didn't understand me and was deleting me well fine............i quess that's why i wrote the letter we always did misunderstand one another, certainly wasn' because i didn't try to.............anyway!...now what!Get on with it, i am going to have a beer and drown my sorrows in my sad music! Maybe a good cry will help me feel better, i don't know.....grr geez now i don't even feel like doing that, now i know i am pathetic if i don't even want a cry or beer or listen to my tons of music??
I know a music project and i can write into my autobiography..there have 2 things to do with my time...woohoo a plan gotta love it!..ahh yes a project!
geez beb, you make me so sad over there wallowing in your self pity. i wish i was close enough to go over & kick you. you know, knock some sense into you. :D i don't have any friends either. just my CC friends, but i am happy with that. i do have family, though. i'm sure you are heart-broken right now, but you'll get over it. who needs rick anyway? he's a jerk! just let him go. you don't need that crap. i'm sure the right guy is out there. you'll meet him someday. i just hope that you know it's him when you meet him. ;) now freakin' get up & get moving! exercise is great for stress! don't sit there, wallowing. knock it off! drinking is only gonna make things worse. you know that! geez, you'll probably try to contact rick today now... |
Well Snow journals are for anything you want and i self pited and wallowed now it is done, i am not going to drink myself into ablivion don't worry but i am going to have a dam beer and i deserve it been a hell of a week with Kyle and Rick both playing with my heart and head....I joined the chat line on yahoo so maybe that will keep me busy i have to figure out how to use my headphones so i can actually talk with people, the ones i want to that is...and i am going to go back to writing which because of my schedule wasn't able to do, it is finally 70* here now if the sun would just come out i might actually be able to blow off Rick steam lol by RIDING MY BIKE! No snow i am not going to contact him..........i said the ball is in his court if he chooses not to contact me it is HIS LOSS!!!!!!! RIGHT!...just keep reminding me of this during a weak moment okay buddy!! |
Right BEB, absolutely do not contact him. If he has decided that it isn't going to work out, it won't do any good anyway. You need to get out of the house and do something. Perhaps you could try joining a club or something? Can you find a bicycle club in your area? A golf club? If you have social activities to go to, you might find some friends there. In any case, it will take your mind off all your problems and you can have some fun. You won't find friends in your apartment. You have to get out of it. |
well, yeah! journals are for anything. :D i sure am glad that you sound much better now. i guess you can have a beer. it's pretty awesome that you found that chat line on yahoo & that you're gonna get back to writing. i know that you love writing! ok, well... you better not contact him. i mean it. hehe OR ELSE! hey, you're allowed to have a weak moment. we all do. just get on that bike whenever you can or clean or something. you're pretty strong anyway. you can do this! |
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