blueyedblonde1956's Journal

Re Kyle my eyes look like 2 red tomatoes!
Jul 29 2009 08:48

I can't stop crying, I have never been this emotional in my life!  I am almost afraid to use the p.c. sparks may come flying out from all the tears dropping on the keys!

Kyle got in court yesterday probation .....4 months deferred custody and supervision order with many many conditions and 8 more months to be of good behaviour, 12 months in total...so if all goes well July 28th of 2010 he will be free of court probation orders....and the existing one runs out Aug13/09 I am very very happy about this but this is not why i am crying!

I did the hardest thing in my life yesterday i told Brian to take Kyle! He had already discussed this with his family as a possibilty, but i decided i loved him that much i had to do this!

He moved with his dad this morning by car to Montreal, I have never felt so lost, in my life....my whole life was my son and now he's gone, I'm so lost....he left so much stuff here, the memories, reminders are killing me, not to mention the hole in my heart the size of the grand canyon....i have been crying since yesterday, when he hugged me to get in thet car this AM i couldn't contain myself and had to come upstairs!

17 years I have loved, carried, feed, clothed, held, touched, guided, played with, laughed with, tucked in bed to putting bandaids on his knees to nursing a sick cold, chicken pox, and several injuries over the years, stitches, needles and lots of TLC and now he's gone...I feel so very alone, the cats are wondering whats wrong with me and Angel was meowing at me! That passed...

He will be living with Brian(48) (his father), and Brians brother Rob(40) and Nicole Robs wife (40) they can give him everything now that I couldn't, an Uncle, Aunt, Grandparents, cousins, a father, courses, driving lessons and a future! I have so many emotions flowing through me right now, and I can't stop crying?...

I couldn't give Kyle the life and happiness I had as a child and it was eating me up inside, with Nicole, Rob and Brian he can have the full family i could never give him, I wanted to but most of my family passed on and then the break-up.............385 miles away I have no car, you know it is one thing for your son to grow up and eventually move out, you are prepared for that, hopefully?, but this.....a 1 day decision I had no time to prepare myself, now I know what a mother goes through who loses her child, because this is just how I feel, i f I am lucky I may see him once a year............after 365 days together this hardly seems like a constellation!

I just wanted to keep you all in the loop, now I have to go find another box of kleenex...i am too choked up to talk anymore and I can't clearly see the keyboard now!

Rick did IM yesterday and wished me luck told me he wil be thinking of me while in Barrie, truck shopping!

I haven't cried like this in years i am getting a headache now too, and pillows for eyelids!..

Well the boom has dropped! Got my notice of Hearing!
Jul 24 2009 12:49

August 18th i will be fighting for the right to keep my home and my son in it!

Looks like i have some very important decisions to make and options to consider.  Of course this big brown corporate envelope had to come on a Friday and totally ruin what is left of my last free weekend, without Kyle or headaches....grr...i have to go to court on Tuesday with son Kyle and Brian my ex (kyles dad) to fight for Kyle in his 3x charges of breach of probation!...okay don;t even have the disclosure so don;t know what they are looking for?

In regards to Kyles court case first! I mean there is the court case and the impending tribunal for the right to live here, so i have 2 issues on my plate and the difficult thing is they both intersect at some point..

1st - I was smart enough to get a legal aid lawyer, For the housing issue so i will have someone fighting in my corner, but those documents are sure painting a picture of a monster for a son, you all know my sons troubles, but he has a good heart and apparently is doing well at dads, so.

2nd- Option he live with his dad, which can be a little tricky since he hasn't been the most reliable in the past, and is not working and only temporarily living with his brother (Rob) and his brothers wife (Nicole) so the court may not see him as stable as myself on a fixed income etc...

3rd- Do I inform the court of his demise here with the housing issue and offer to let Kyle stay with his father in Montreal, as if they here of more trouble maybe that would work against him OR for him?? since he seems to be doing better there and staying away from bad influences and temptations! He isn't smoking, or swearing, is apparently obeying the rules and is doing chores etc? Makes me feel inadequate as his mother all these years, that his father can control him or maybe the girls are right it is a novelty (honeymoon feeling) right now and once he gets use to it there will slide to old patterns.

Well i have typing to do, letters to edit so i must go drown myself in paper work!...BEB

I don't know what to do do i tell court of the option to live with his father or not?  I may win the tribunal case and i may not, in either case this is all so confusing! The worst that can happen is i get evicted even if Kyle doesn't live here, i hope not as i will end up on the street, no place to go to, no money, and with my back i can't pack, lift, or move boxes don't have the money for regular market rent places, i can't put my things in storage and live out of a suitcase again and what about my animals....i can't abandon them either...and i am on a disability fixed income and rent geared to income housing to which is a 16 year waiting list here in Barrie....another fine mess you got me into "Ali"..lol Laurel and Hardy..well at least i maintain my humor through all of this!!

Michael Jackson at his best!
Jul 22 2009 20:56

   AS I REMEMBER HIM BEST!! MJ R.I.P.

Kyle is gone!
Jul 18 2009 16:19

Woohoo!   freedom for 9 days, have to find some things to do here in Barrie, then this 17 year old son of mine has to come back with his dad from Montreal on July27th to go to court, for the 28th i invited my ex to stay, funny thing i can't believe Brian asked me 'where he is going to sleep'?, where else the couch?  Anyway if things go well there on the 28th then Kyle can go back to his dads for all of August.woohoo..while gone i can get the tribunal ball rolling, the agencies i called to get help in trying different tactics in dealing with Kyle since clearly he isn't listening to me anymore, without me having to yell, and i don't like yelling at all.........also i have to go to tribunal court to fight for the right to stay in my home thanks to Kyle since Kyle has caused some many problems around the complex and complaints around here i got 2 eviction notices within 6 months, but if Kyle has to move out permanently for me to keep my home and IF they aren't willing to do a live here but activities 'off the property' or probation thing for him well then he'll have to move out or go to his dads, there i don't believe is any group home for Kyle but he will be 18 next April 19th and then it will be his decision anyway......but he has the mentality of a 13 yr old so he can't live on his own, in his own place or take care of himself god i have to harp on him to shower, brush his teeth, use deoderant, i have tried to show him some independant things like a few simple meals he can cook, laundry, shopping but he doesn't CARE! So bottom line worst comes to worst go live with his dad 385 miles northeast of me in Montreal.....it will be so hard on me, especially at xmas but i have to put my own feelings aside and think of him only, it's just he hasn;t been away from me for more then just a few days, and seeing that empty room is going kill me eventually.............so girls..........I HOPE YOU CAN HUG through the internet.....and hearing all the stories of you guys and your families at holidays will be heard....okay i have to stop now........anyway i need sleep....update and talk later!

i Keep finding lighters in his pocket i guess MJ or cigs not sure which, i quess this is one good thing he won;t be doing in Montreal...haha

His father won't let him get away with anything VERBALLY anyway so this will be a good test not this 9 days but hopefully all of August...i still am not sure if i want him that far away, but i have to put my selfish reasons aside and think only "what is best for Kyle" here though i am getting agencies involved, he will have his doctor here, good school classes, his dentist cuz he needs in Sept to get his 4 wisdom teeth pulled out............i just thought of it i will make a list of the good reasons to go and the good reasons to stay and see which one sounds better.........

Hey this is what i use to do in deciding which boyfriend i preferred when i was younger, or if making a decsion i wasn;t sure about.......I MADE A LIST!

Kyle update!
Jul 16 2009 17:47

Well they fixed the hole in the fence so i had to meet Kyle with my bike to buy him dinner tonight, at Wendys, Tylers mom lost her job now and has no money to feed Kyle so i told him to save the other bag of food for tomorrow and then Saturday of course Brian is coming.  Kyle came on the property to call me i said are you crazy get off...grrr

Chris Kyle has 2 more years of school i held him back in grade 3 as to 7 moves and 4 schools, also I am not worried about money Brian is, and yes it is a factor but i would have like to hear him saying more things aobut school educarion, future plans etc..not i will need his baby bonus and meds etc??  Also Kyle did really well in school despite the skipped classes he got 70 in Math and for KYle that is a triumph...he nornally gets 50's and that is on the IEP (individual educaion program) the 70 in Math was without the IEP so that is fantastic....anyway all the teachers and principal were proud of him! You may br right he needs a dad do you know of one...hehe i am concerned that Brian will just spend night after night in front of his tv and Kyle won't get any time with him, well this August will be a good test, and i will be drilling when he returns before i make any decisions.

Whats worries me though is if Kyle does Move there i probably will never see KYle again, he will stay in Montreal....i say this because i believe it to be true, he won't come back to Ontario, he never asks to call his dad or go see him so why would i get any better treatment, in fact he always defends his dad never me!

:::: ;;;;;;what is this bad habit i picked up won;t instead of won't..grrr

Anyway i have some agencies going to bat for me now, i have people coming to talk with me better ways of dealing with and handling Kyle #1, also i have an agency that can help him if he says yes, which he said he would #2, then i faxed off some forms to legal aid today for the tribunal#3, and lastly i talked with his P/O and she is adding to his pre-sentence report all the efforts and agencies i have empoewered to help.

Oh and i was never taking off the Kinark list, in fact i was bumped up in site of these latest developments, so there is help out there.if you ask.........if you know who............and if you care!  So now i am going to eat something....hungry, little babies are sleeping.

Carol: Is it normal for Angel to jump on kitty and bite him, i am worried that maybe he is to rough and will hurt him, he has such a tiny cry you know, i couldn't find him this AM he was in a box underneath the open night table besides my bed  by the window.......almost had a heart attack. wha

With Rick he says i left him a nasty crazy insane message on his machine when i was mad on Saturday, which he didn't save...oops ..anyway he said he would have taking me to see his family except for that message! but that's not true because the reason i was mad in the first place was he was going to his son and familys and not inviting me, it was suppose to be our holiday and now he is doing everything with others and not me, i am still ticked at the things he said about my son anyway true or not, not his business to run down a boy he has only met once, so what does he mean i would have liked his family.............anyway i am just coasting with him right now anyway, he has golf lined up with other people next week and i am now busy with this stuff and the new kitty anyway, the only sad thing is i have to cancel seeing my dad....will have to think of a good excuse so i don't hurt my father!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and Rick has never upset me with things he has said...ahem....right? Yeah right!  MEN!  I have more important things to worry about right now, then some angry insane message i may have left, knowing him he misunderstood it anyway right girls!

His father seems fixated on money?
Jul 15 2009 22:09

Oh don't forget i need his baby bonus, and i want custody of him, for his meds etc....excuse me but not one word about where he may go to school, is there one close, do they have an IEP plan at the schools there, and good programs, can he support him, feed him, future goals, how long are you living with your brother and his wife, where are you going, what home can you provide for him etc...etc...

I am sensing a big mistake wanting to send Kyle to live with his dad, oh i pray and hope i can save this, i mean first if Kyle goes to live with his dad in Montreal i will lose him for life, Kyle will never come back to Ontario, so i will not just have a son growing up and moving out, but really moving out, i AM NOT prepared for this at all, and every time this crosses my mind i cry, even a neighbour in the laundry room today said "looks like you've been crying" yup, i'm lost without my little boy!  I saw him today in a tree on the other side of the property....i almost wanted him to come home but what difference would it even make now... i have received the notice i was so worried about!...what could possibly go wrong!  But i didn't i want things to calm down around here!  Anyway before i even consider Kyle moving to his dads he had better satisfy my needs as to Kyles needs and care not his own, he told me he has no money to speak of, never was good with money!  Anyway i have another email to send him so im outta here..........so much to consider god!

I am going to look into group homes that don't have a time frame issue, because frankly, the more i think about it the less i like the idea of Kyle going to Montreal with his money seeking father at least this is the impression i am getting, i want answers from Brian of what plans he has and for our son, so unless i am sastified that it IS the best thing for Kyle there's no way in hell i will send him, i don;t like the idea of him being in another province anyway, and frankly i don;t think Brian's screwed up insecure life is the best for Kyle, at least with me he had security.......i have alot to think about anyway, and as i reminded Brian until Kyle is 18 the decision will be mine not Kyles or Brians, oh Kyle would love to live with his dad, but only because it's different, a novelty, maybe he thinks he can get away with things i don't know, but if i have any doubts i would rather him be here in a group home with me nearby to visit then shipped off 400 or so miles away in another french speaking province, KYle doesn't speak french and doubt he ever will, dropped the class and was removed from his IEP to difficult for him!...So will i ever stop typing...........grrr and need to go play with the kitty now..........so cute he is chasing a toy black mouse and a ball of paper around my shiny tile floors...hehehehe

I had to say can it get any worse?!!
Jul 14 2009 19:05

Well my fear of being evicted is here, i got another within 6 months notice about my son, so an hour ago he had to leave backpack and all, what choice did i have!  With the Adhd, ODD, constant complaints from mgmt in the building i had to get him out, my problem is he has his dad from Quebec coming to get him on the 18th has to bring him back by the 28th for court, then take him if the 3x breaches don't jail this 17 year old then dad said he will take him back again for August, Sept he needs his wisdom teeth pulled, school will start and my whole life and his seems to be up in the air, i know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but it might have something to do with unhealthy or lack of food choices or i may binge.....i just need the support of my CC friends right now...why did i have to say to Robbie everything comes in 3's ..well lets see...........Kyles latest charge........and subsequent court date for sentencing on the 28th of July, my troubles with eviction notice #1, now 3 strikes eviction notice #2 and court appearance i presume coming next month, all because i god dam love my son and am trying to cre for him..........i am glad i have this little kitty right now it's the ONLY thing putting a smile on my face........and Rick is busy with his family and Brian is in school (KYles father) but is coming to get Kyle on saturday the 18th!.........ahhhh man oh man oh man!!!...grrrr

Can it get any worse!
Jul 10 2009 16:36

I thought oh boy nice day take a ride on my bike in the country, i come on my period...5 days before Ricks holidays, i had a fight with Kyle, he's on the verge of leaving whether it be jail or homewise...i am fad up with Rick putting everyone before me, now i don't get this.... his holidays start on the 15th NEXT WEEK he now wants to drive down to Brantford and see his son James who works all day we could be doing something together....he would only have a few hours in the evening with him, this was suppose to be our time together...the holiday from 15-28th of July....grrrr...he would  only have a few hours together with James in the evening but would rather do that for 3 days then be with me, has told me flat outtoday on the phone he doesn't like my son and doesn't want to spend any time with him....well i quess Wasaga beach swim and bbq are out on the 17th then? I told Rick i never make decisions when i am angry but i am fad up chasing after his heart when clearly he doesn't feel the same, he NEVER PUTS ME FIRST!...............period!! and now i have my period haven't had one in many many many months.........why now....i am so dam mad i could scream...........I HATE MEN!!!!!!!!!I am not going to call or answer the phone i don;t want to talk to anyone i am so pissed off!  All i wanted to do was go to a lake somewhere, ride around in a decent boat and maybe do a little fishing, sit by the water, that's all i wanted, now i feel like every other relationship i am stuck making all the plans!!!!!!! I think i 'll just stay home alone!..why can't he make plans or decisions, why is it always me.........grrrr...i am going to the ribfest and eat.........later!!Tired and fad up in Barrie..BEB Oh and Rick is worried about me spending my holiday money beofre the holidays..serve him right if i do, it's my dam money, and i am not waiting around for him no more....boy am i mad!  Sorry..........venting is allowed on your own journal, i don;t come back here very often to do it, maybe i should...grrrrr

Crash and Burn weekend with Rick - Kyle returns
Jul 05 2009 07:50

First Rick brings Baron, that was good and we went downtown, and walked along the beach, Baron went into swimming, rick says he has to stay on a leash because he won't come back (well if he is a good master he should) i said oh take him off he will come to me and DID...we talked about boats Rick said he wanted one we were just talking out loud he wants a fishing boat, i like that but with a little bit of pep (motor wise) on the back Oh no, he says just a little engine to get you out there....yea right i can't see that out on Lake Ontario...come on? I am only thinking this....we come back here, he hasn't brought anything upstairs to stay the night, he only has 1 beer, clearly he has no intention of staying the night, because he is counting his beers, i said to him """you drink with your friends, why aren't you drinking with me" don't want to.....but "you drink with your friends" , i just thought if we sat outside had a couple beers we could talk...oh can't we talk without it, well for me i find it easiler to open up my feelings after i have a couple drinks sorry but that's who i am, i just don't get it it is fine for him to enjoy his mary jane, why am i not allowed to enjoy myself........it is clear he and i aren't dating, i really don't know what we are doing?......................so i set up some nice candles and easy going music going to sit outside for that talk....when who shows up and got kicked out of Tylers but Kyle....i stil don;t know why and Sara Tylers mom won;t return my calls, this is weird cause i ran into Tyler and Sara at no frills asked her if she needed some grocery money and thanked her for taking care of Kyle then bang he gets kicked out??? what??...he was tired, he looked so dam unhappy asked if he could come home and is right now is sleeping in his bed....talk about poor timing.......this put a strain on Rick and I and Rick took Baron for a walk "to let Kyle and i talk" well he finally came back and we were still talking...anyway i Told Kyle to stay in his room and that i would deal with him later...meanwhile Rick is now getting tired..he says....and left! 

Maybe i am making to much of this but these little differences i don't see as an issue but i think Rick will?

Not the night i had planned at all?  Today i wanted to go golfing with him today the perfect weather that is upon us....Rick is usually an early riser...so that was my great weekend BUST! We were to go golfing today but i think he'll cancel!

Now i have KYle to deal with?  I don;t know what to do, kick him out, keep him here, i have that letter to management but i don;t know if the timinmg to send it is right, i am stil waiting to hear back from his dad about going there!..Everything is up in the air..........i am going back to bed!

My son had to be evicted!
Jul 02 2009 18:49

Well Kyle has done it now at 17 years old has put me into a postion i never thought as his devoted loving mom i would ever find myself in, i had to ask him to leave, i got eviction notices and then a letter saying my home is in jeopardy..so he packed his little backpack and off he went down the street to his friends, my heart was broken, i know he brought this upon himself but it doesn't make me feel any better knowing my little boy is roaming the street, sure he is at a friends but the mother is never home so there isn't to much disipline going on, and wouldn't you know it every darn tv station is showing family situations....i just want to curl up and hide and cry but i know that won';t help him, i have to be strong, and this is one reason i am glad Rick is coming on Saturday, he is strong.  I made some phone calls a little while ago to some agencies, most of them passed the buck except for one that gave me some sound advice and numbers to call!

Possibilities:

Talk to his P/O Jennifer who is now on holidays..grrr.... if she can suggest some ideas!

I need to get Kyle back on his "concerta " 54mg medication too for his ADHD and ODD !

Talk to his dad....emailed him, not much help there i am afraid! 350 miles away too in Montreal!

Kyle is going to need to want help for most of these agencies because of his age, which he doesn't seem to think he needs!...grrr

Since he won't listen to me i will wait till his P/O Jennifer comes back and perhaps she can get the ball rolling with Kyle...she sure picked a heck of a time to go on holidays.....the agency i was on a waiting list for, for Kyle says Kyle himself will have to call to reactivate the file.  So there are some places he can get help.

- Youth Haven for shelter when Tyler moves he may need this!

-Jail may end up there?

-Buzby Centre to help with kids on the street!

It was also suggested to me to contact the mgmt here and ask them what Kyle needs to prove to them or needs to do to be able to live here again?  I think i will wait till Tyler moves away and the P/O is back and of course Anne from building mgmt returns from holidays too!  This i do need to think about!  Do i want him back to sleep here yes to be around the building definitely NO!

In any case there is school in Sept to think about, he will be going for court sentencing July 28th, for his 3 counts of breach of probation...he needs to have his wisdom teeth pulled In August and will be swollen after that for a couple days apparently!  He needs to want help, everything to him he just doesn't care, or isn't taking seriously...doesn't take any of this seriously YET!  I think once Tyler moves to the east coast and he runs out of friends he may take things more seriously, i can only pray and hope.

What worries me is he is not ready to stand on his own 2 feet emotionally or mentally yet he still needs guidance, and structure! Which on the street he will not get!  He isn't smart enough yet to make those important decisions , i only hope if he needs me... truly needs me ....he will CALL....If anything ever hapens to him i will not survive it, i know that...i am weeping right now just thinking about that possibility...god!   Oh i hope i am doing the right thing!It's because i care, AND i need my home and because i need him to stand on 2 feet even though in my heart i don't think he is mature enough age 17 but more like a 13 year old clearly to young to be running the streets!  I think he will mature a little pretty soon here!

Well my mind is getting foggy now to many facts, in and out....i need to rest now, and my back is killing me!.....phew