blueyedblonde1956's Journal

This is the doctors diagnosis and hospital findings!!
Apr 10 2009 12:37

This is the report i received May26/04, I started having back problems after Kyle was born in 92 but it had escalated over the following years, reached an impossible point in 2001 could no longer sit or stand for any length in 2001, i then filed for disability, and the subsequent following tests and xrays were conducted!  

***For me this is the situation i had a transverse process fracture in L1, on the right side, L1-L2  degenerative disc disease with moderate disc space narrowing on the left side and anterior osteophytic formation.   There is annular bulging of those discs.  The L4-L5 has annular bulging of the discs and at L-5-S1 there is central disc herniation.  This is irritating the transversing S-1 nerve roots!  There is osteophyte arising from the interior end plate of L-5 posterolaterally on the right, which is abutting the exiting L-5 nerve root and irritating it.  There is degenerative disc disease at L2-L3...!! Phew that is my case, now i am able to do some things, but standing, and sitting is where i have trouble for any length...30 minutes somedays is my limit, like in the kitchen so i take 650-10 or 325-5 x2 percocets every morning before getting out of bed, or i don't get out!, then at 11-12pm i take 40mg of oxycontin, at about 6-7pm 2 more percocets, and at 9pm 40mg of oxycontin again, now this is a day when i am NOT doing anything in particular just hanging around the house, if i am going to get groceries, shopping, walking at all, sitting not lying down for longer then 30 minutes, biking, golfing or in plain doing anything then i am taking more perks!!  This is my daily life, but i have learned the hardest thing.....to live with it, that's why i get upset sometimes when i hear of all the fun i am missing out on!  Not to worry though i usually handle it, it's just hard being i was such an athlete you know!!   Anyway I have adjusted, my life to live within my means!  To truly understand though you would literally have to walk a mile in my shoes, our should i say a few blocks!.. 

Well this is my food cheating story...and i am sticking to it!
Apr 07 2009 23:41

Well Carol and Robbie have giving me exactly what i wanted....some advice i may be able to work with, and apply to my day, you know it isn't easy sometimes, i quess my looks have always played a big role in my life, more then perhaps i realized.  Also being single, and dating scares the hell out of me, cause i put to much emphasis on my looks, i mean you know being with Rick, men are judgemental and Rick well i have to remind him often not to say things to me that (my sensitive nature) takes right to heart, the other day he started to tell me on the phone that he thinks i have lost to much weight and was about to say something negative about my face, when i interrupted him and told him NOT TO..or it would obviously be something i would be hurt by, or worry or stew about, i would rather not hear it, my father and son are very tactless and often say hurtful things, so i am surrounded by the conscious fact that Looks seem to be Everything?, i don't have much opportunity to talk with Rick but i can see an important talk we are going to need to have, i know he tells me beauty is on the inside, and reassures me of this but then he says things to the contrary sometimes, i don't know how this eats at me..sorry for the pun but i end up doing these eating binges like tonight!, i am not saying I binged tonight because of these comments, i didn't, i just love food, but what i am saying is i am very aware of how much emphasis seems to always be put on how I LOOK, so yes i measure my beauty by my looks not my personality, which I feel at times has alot to be desired, i'm sure, i know i am generous, kind and caring, but i can be bossy(take charge), have high expectations of myself, and when i fall short, well i fall.  My father and mother were very judgemental people, and i grew up hating that trait in others, i have worked very hard at not being judgemental, accepting people for who they are, as it should be, i do tend to bring the best out in people naturally, and help people to be the best they can but not by advice, or dictating but by example, kindness, and experience!If only i can control my binges,  i would have no need to be on CC would I, we all need support, advice, camaraderie, and sometimes just a friendly caring word, or a pat on the back is all we need to feel good about ourselves, this isn't to much to ask is it?  When a dog is down, you don't kick him!

Which brings me back to my problem, now tonight i ate all 1000 cals of chocolate mini cadburys from the 195g bag, 200g of beef jerky, whipped cream and strawberries and about 3-130 cal. cheesecake pudding cups, i am full and now i HOPE it is out of my system.  I will not be mad at myself, which normally i would be, and i am telling you because i want you to know, i am honestly trying, i have faltered, and i have a hard time going 2 weeks without a cheat!, now because i have eaten 2500 cals today,  i have managed to wipe out the last 2-3 good deficit days i had, however.  So i will take your well planned out suggestions and do my best to try harder, sometimes a kick in the butt we all need, but other times just some good old fashioned simple logic like why am i here?  short term goals, and helpful alternatives might be a better way, it's funny i am great at giving advice but giving myself some, i suck! I think working more on my autobiography may help too, being busy with my hands, need to do more of it daily.  Its just sitting to long is bad on my back.  Rick says well take more pills, no i don't want to do that, and the same with sitting in the boat or golfing, if i have to take more back pills to get through the day sitting or standing i wonder, really wonder if its worth it! 

 I have really been pretty content with my life and my limitations, and being single, but since Rick came into my life, it seems to complicate what i often thought was contentment, now my life has been scrambled to the point that to enjoy doing the things i use to i have to change!  I struggle with that one do i really want to change, do i even really want a relationship, and the idea of someone seeing me naked, until i lose my belly or even the future possible moving and giving up my security on a risk, someday scares me!

Now i say the word diet, it is just easier girls then saying and typing out the long version "l i f e s t y l e   c h a n g e" see..........i know it's a lifestyle change, but gosh i just am tired so tired of dieting, tired of this darn bill over my head, tired of this weather, tired of never being able to go away, can't trust Kyle who again skipped classes today, well at least his community service is done!  He has been the worry of my life, constantly, sometimes i hate to say it but i am looking forward to him going away in July....i need a holiday from him!  grrr, his eating at all hours, and being in the kitchen from the time he rolls in here till bedtime smelling food floating through the house, is very hard on me when i am trying to lose weight, i am fine all day but around 6-10pm it's hard not to think about food, someone suggested to me to leave some cals. for the evening, but i find eating in the evening is bad, it's a no win situation, on one hand i have read that it doesn't matter if you eat at night calories are calories, and others say don't eat at night cause you can't burn them off! 

Well i always am worrying and thinking about my son, he wants a birthday party this year, talk about short notice it's on the 19th?  Well these are some thoughts anyway o morrow is a new day!No cheating!  I hope!

Why can't i say no to chocolate!!
Apr 07 2009 19:52

GRRRR: I can't control these munchie chocolate attacks!!  I have been down this road before last year at this very time, easter i went off my cal watching, trying to lose weight diet!  I self sabotaged, i even tell myself i am not going to eat any chocolate but do always later in the day around 6-7pm, i go shopping at the store and tell me self i am not buying any but find myself putting it in the buggy!..I can't stop cheating with chocolate, easter is coming oh god, someone help me.!  i have lost my insentive, wilpower, drive, whatever you want to call it!  I need help girls, i don't know but if i don't get into my bikini, or lose this last 21lb by July1st this year i am going to be very depressed, unhappy and disappointed in myself, to no end.  I was going along so good, but i don't know what gets in me i start to eat some and then i can't stop, to say well don't take that first piece, but it's like an alcoholic...i can't stop myself!! from taking that first piece!!!!!grrr I am lost inside myself as to what to do about this, is anyone out there with some supportive advice, or wisdom??  I could sure use some right now!!...help and out of sorts!Like today jus a little while ago 900 cals in chocolate i ate?  grrrr now i am mad but couldn't stop myself..what do you do??

Well my dad turns another birthday year today!  and he sure knows how to make a production out of turning 88i never seen so much snow drop so fast in April before, the good thing is this time next week it will only be a faint memory.  They say this snow will stop by wed. and thurs warm and sunny and back to norm. temps for this time of year, so i will get riding my bike and golfing soon!!  Yea it is kinda pretty though but i have had enough of this nonsense.

I am doing beef jerky for the first time today, the toothpick method yesterday, as usual once a week i make a new recipe, and this week it was beef jerky!  So yesterday i cut up a roast into 1/8 slices, mixed up my teryaki, o.j., liquid smoke, honey, brown sugar, garlic pwd, teryaki, soy sauce, pepper etc...etc.. ingredients, and marinated overnight in a plastic baggy in the fridge my concoction!  Then aften paper toweling off the excess juice, i put a tin tray in the bottom of the stove of course i always have a tin foil liner in the bottom, and took out the bottom rack put about 5 pieces of jerky per line x 7 lines of the rack on 150*, i just checked it, looking good, dark and is shrinking a little too. zshould be done around 4 or so not exactly sure have to check on it then again.....can hardly wait to try it, next time i think i wil get longer strips however and a little wider to, now that i know i have to allow for shrinkage!!  The kitchen smells so wonderful right now, i wil definitely do this again and make a large batch to freeze and put in mason jars for consumption.....I should "do a "Snow" thing", and hide some in my sock drawer like her cookies...lol

Be glad when the snow stops,  I told Kyle last night not to ride his bike, i think he is crazy and he did ride it anyway, there is snow everywhere and he rode his bike, he has a cold, and last night took me 20 minutes to help him clean the snow, slush, dirt and ice off it before i would even let it in the house, and now he is riding it again, i gave him money for the bus and he rides, got to have a talk with that boy, i think he's crazy!!...lol  Talk about rushing the season, he has to learn that just because it is April doesn't mean you abandon common sense, if it's cold you wear a coat, if it snows you wear boots not running shoes, teenagers!

Okay who told the snowman to stop here!!
Apr 06 2009 09:45

Well we are getting old man winter at the door, holy crap...hehehe  I knew everyone was rushing the season, my son was wearing shorts etc....now he has a cold I being the woman of wisdom and motherly knowledge tried to warn him he was rushing it but they never listen, we always get one more blast before the good weather stays, and boy we have 2 inches out there right now and it's still snowing and only 9:30am.  Kyle was sent home from high school because of the weather, so i guess i had better dig myself in today, day 2 of my yo-yo madness!!  Okay who mentioned snow on the site they hexed us...lol

Poor Angel puked this am at least on the tile floor and not the carpets, i had a talk with him too this a.m. about eating elastic bands, he gives me this "i'm sorry mom look...gotta love em!

So i haven't been doing much exercise, not in the mood, but am deficiting, my yo-yo effect!

i am happy to report a weight loss!!
Apr 03 2009 11:49

After alot of frustrating weeks, stalls, my yo-yo strategy has finally paid off i am now leaving the 160's in my dust!!!!    and welcome drum roll~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~159lbs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!! woohoo finally...i feel re-energized....that's what i have been forgetting the "energized bunny".... well 140's here i come ...yo-yoing works confuses the enemy my body fat!!   woohoo...dance...kick feet in air happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk about incentive!!!!

Houvering, hoping and getting frustrated!
Apr 02 2009 12:20

I have always had a ton of energy but lately i have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, i have to push myself, and my back doesn't start co-operating till at least after 1pm, and i am getting bored with stationary biking, getting lazy and just don't feel like doing much of anything to be honest! Fad up with stuck scales, have to deficit for no reason, bla.. bla ..bla rant over!Now i know what Bonnie feels like!

******This is really bothering me, now Rick wants to know if i am going away fishing with him in July for a week but i just can't afford to, he says i would need $1000.00 for the week, he has a job and is making pretty good money i imagine but i am on disability, and that doesn't pay me anywhere near what he gets.  But my pride........won't let me tell him this, so i am having a dilemma, and then what about sitting in a boat all day with my back, i can't, oh i am confused, i really want to go away with him and if i can't he says he will find someone else who can, well that doesn't exactly make me feel very good!  I wish i could but i don't have much extra money for pleasure once my bills are paid, food is bought and i put a 3-4 hundred on my visa bill.  I had hoped to have this darn thing paid off by now but....I know i have always been extremely prideful like when Brian and I broke up in 2000 i found it really difficult to ask for help, even going to the food bank was the hardest thing i ever did in my life, i was living in the car with son and cat and 2 jehovah woman came by saw my predicument and offered to help, and boy did they from getting me into a campground, paying for 2 weeks and buying me some food for my coolers, i was so thankful, they even took Bandit to care for him till i could find housing, but anyway that was then, i still have a hard time accepting help....what's that saying pride is a foolish mans burden or something.  I wish i was like Snow could drop weight at a drop of a hat.  I need to get mad or something i have lost my edge, and i won't let Rick near me till i lose this dam belly! 

 Time is running out and i don't know what to tell him about the fishing trip.  I thought we were going to have quality time together to golf, bike, swim, visit family and friends but he is fixed on this 1 week of fishing........i don't know what to do????????? I can't tell him i can't afford it, i just think if he finds someone else to go with him that this could be bad for us!  Oh i don't know what to do???

That is the bottom line on my week, i have been houvering around holding on and hoping that my scale will budge.  Have not been able to do the bottom end of my yo-yo plan this week and as a result have been GD glued to that 160 pounds.  I am getting sick and tired of this crap i have to say!  everything else seems alright in my life but i am getting fad up with this stalling, 1-1/2 years of plateau....gggrrr. My gallery shows a nice trend line but i just got to move that line....i wish this was already May not that i want time to hurry up but i want time to hurry up...lol so i can get on with living and not this deficiting, it is getting so frustrating and what worries me more then anything if i gain weight on maintenance will i ever be able to eat normally again when i do ever get to my 138 goal!grrrr i am venting just frustrated well i ill try harder on my yo-yo!

Well i will be glad to get doing things outside, am getting bored with biking indoors and then my back has been acting up alot lately too.

Angel has been a bowl of cheer for me,though, between his cute little antics, and sly playfulness i am laughing most of the day away with him.....i just love the way he strolls by me so nonchalantly hinting the whole time he wants to play, i don't know why he doesn't just drop a mouse in front of me, give me a less then subtle hint..lol

I need that edge i had a month ago when i lost that 3lbs, just before my bd but i have lost it....i am so sick of this dieting i really am, its the same thing with paying off this stupid visa bill, he seems to be taking forever.

Plan for this week! New diet rules as well!
Mar 30 2009 13:39

Monday to eat less then 750 cals. No exercise! only 100 situps .

Tuesday to eat higher cals. + exercise and weights.

Wed - frid - same theory!  Yo-Yo effect must get below 160 this week and keep going no cheating at all...

Rules i have made to remind myself.

No eating after 7:30pm

Never to eat at computer, never have and never will, i could see how some people may and this could develop into a very compulsive habit, i will never do this!!

Goals for April:  To try not to cheast on my diet this month...need to put a 7 pound dent in my scale by Apr30 i want to be sitting at 153 or better then, so i need to diet, not cheat, exercise, and stick to my yo-yo effect!! No eating after 7:30pm and eat healthy as usual, lots of fresh fruits and veggies, squash, turnips, strawberries an apples everyday as usual!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

weather is hum drum today, a little snow fell last night, but i don't imagine it will be around long!

Angel is such a good buddy especially these last few days, must be spring getting to him, sometimes i wonder if he is a 2.5 year old cat, he seems so human, must be all the hours i have spent training him and playing with him..lol...he has so much energy like his mom hehe, he comes up to me on the couch and gives me this look like he wants to play with me, but he does it so nonchalantly  like a little look out of the corner of his eye as he strolls by me....purposely i may add.......it is so darn cute, i chuckle, and the times he just zooms around the house like he is on (cheap drugs) Kyle says....lol so i am getting exercise every evening chasing him playing tag, baseball, soccer or hockey...he plays them all with toy mice, poker chips etc......lol

Anyway he is patiently waiting for me right now so i have to go before he changes his mind!! 

Been getting some AAAAAAAAAA lately too...so all is good in the world today!!!BEB

Talk about irony!
Mar 29 2009 20:17

i was watching Zena warrior princess on tv today and was curious how tall and old she was, to my laughter i discovered the irony in finding out it was her birthday today and she is 41..isn't that funny i would normally never think to research that query but to do it on her birthday just made me laugh..lalalalalalala as she sings...

Well tomorrow i will be back to my program i did have a 500 cal. deficit but then i had a little roast beef and a couple cheescake puddings so i guess i will be another maintenance day..tomorrow back at it!!  grrrrr forcus.....!!!!

Another nice warm and sunny day!! 10C or 60F

Yeahhhh an AAA was going to work out but na!
Mar 27 2009 18:28

Yea, 955 cals. Throw in some turnips and voila an A... i guess i just need more orange and green vegetables that's all!

  Fat - 32.2% (35 grams)
Protein - 24.1% (58 grams)
Carbohydrates - 43.7% (106 grams)
Alcohol - 0.0%
Other - 0.0%

Daily Sodium Intake - 1,566 mg
Daily Sugar Intake - 59 grams
Daily Cholesterol Intake - 117 mg
Daily Saturated Fat Intake - 11 grams
Daily Fiber Intake - 17 grams
Nutrition Grade

Well i am doing pretty good, i did my measurements this morning and it is 27 inches i have now lost from my neck, chest, arms, waist, hips, and calves.

So i i have been sticking to my formula and it seems to be working, next week will tell the tale that is for sure....as if i finally get below 160 i will know that what i have been doing is right, this will surely be the true test!   I can hardly wait.....lol  The weather has been getting warmer and the sun was out today.  My shoulder has really been bugging me since i picked up Angel the other day and heard that "RIP" noise again, crap 2 steps forward one step back again....grrrr and when the weather is crappy my back bothers me a little more too, oh well say la vie!!  Well other then that nothing knew t report, except i really just wanted to post that A i don't really care i know i eat well, just wanted to see it....

my legs feel weak today so i think i'll rest today no exercise.

What the heck this is just dumb!!
Mar 25 2009 19:54

This sucks.......1300 cals..+ exercise.....i can't improve on this much....the "other" i have no idea what this is, it is not alcohol because i am not drinking!  This is why i don't log these anymore, infuriates the hell out of me!!!!gggggrrrr.

Snow you shouldn't worry so much either...it's enough to drive us around the bend....i had potatoes, chicken and corn for dinner.....now there is nothing unhealthy in that!

  Fat - 22.1% (34 grams)
Protein - 19.4% (66 grams)
Carbohydrates - 45.9% (157 grams)
Alcohol - 0.0%
Other - 12.6%

Daily Sodium Intake - 955 mg
Daily Sugar Intake - 34 grams
Daily Cholesterol Intake - 154 mg
Daily Saturated Fat Intake - 10 grams
Daily Fiber Intake - 32 grams
Nutrition Grade