bre54321's Journal

yay
May 05 2009 20:55

I'm really happy!  I don't know why, possible because I'm through with finals, but I'm starting to look up!  I'm making loads of new goals.  I'm going to start reading more french novels and broadening my horizons on english book choices.  I'm going to practice the piano more.  I'm going to start painting again now that it's warm enough to open the windows! 

And I'm going to stop watching TV for a while.  It's all junk.  I'll watch movies, but only good ones, but no stupid pointless waste-of-time shows.  (Of course, The Mentalist is not included in this ban on TV! I cannot possibly give that up! Plus, he is the most adorable person I think I've ever seen!!) 

Wish me luck!

holidays! ughh!
Apr 14 2009 11:47

Oh my gosh, i can't control myself on holidays!!! I was doing so well before, and now I've ruined it!  I have to get control of myself right now.  I haven't weighed myself in two weeks, but I don't think I gained that much, I just feel like crap.  I was like 128 when I last checked, but I'm probably 135 now with all the bloating from junk food galore! 

Today is a new day...  Only a month until summer vacation so I've got to hurry it up!

today's food, etc.
Jan 09 2009 15:47

I don't really have much to say, but I'm going to write down what I've eaten and what I will eat, just so I don't binge like I did yesterday :(  I've stopped logging calories because it's too much of a hassle so I just guestimate in my head(although I weigh everything)

Breakfast ~500 (over about 1.5 hours): (i was really hungry despite eating probably close to 3000 calories yesterday!)
1/3 cup oats (100)
1/4 cup egg whites (30)
1 tbps pancake mix (35)
1/2 medium banana (55)
packet of splenda (4)
1 tbsp cottage cheese (20)
all made into a delicious pancake (I used a little sf maple syrup, like 5 calories)
large apple (110)
1/2 tbsp peanut butter (50)
1/2 cup dannon light and fit (55)
1/2 cup fiber one (60)

Lunch (300)
bag of tofu shiratake noodles (40)
1/3 cup of prego (70ish)
Chocolate coffee icee type drink made with chocolate pudding mix, milk, soymilk, coffee, splenda, and ice (90)
Peppermint bark (100)

Dinner (will be a quesadilla)  (200)
1 La Tortilla Factor wrap (90)
1 oz ff cheddar cheese (45)
50g green pepper (10)
20 g onion (10)
70g mushrooms (15)
Salsa (15)
Butter spray for pan (10ish)

Nightime snack (200)
1/2 cup oats (150)
30 g pumpkin (10)
90g soymilk (30)
water
1-2 tbsp sf maple syrup (10, max)
pumpkin pie spice, a few cals maybe 5?

Other:
Gum, tea, sugar free hard candies (total of 50 calories I'd say)

Exercise:
treadmill for only 15 minutes :(
lifting weights (various machines) for 15-20 minutes
...better than nothing I suppose

Okay, I've wasted some time now and I'm going to read a book until dinner!

trigger city (my own journal)
Dec 28 2008 02:29

I just read some of my old (private) journal entries, and man was I nuts!  On the one hand, it's very triggering to see myself write about how I feel so fat and disgusting at 112 pounds (When I now weight around 125).  But on the other hand, I can see that my thoughts were so conflicted and skewed that I honestly had no idea what I was saying.  The crazy comments about how eating 1100 calories was WAY too much are completely insane!  I've just started to try and lose some of the weight that I've gained through semi-binging, and I just want to be sure not to get back into my wacky way of thinking from a little over a year ago.  My goal is 118 for now, which I don't think will be too hard, although nothing is happening so far.  I'd like to be 115, but I know that people on this site will probably flip a shit if they hear that, so I'll shoot for 118 for now (at 5'7" that is still in the healthy range).

went too far
Dec 16 2008 22:12

I feel like shit.  I need to lose weight asap.  I went way too far and feel disgusting.  I'm planning on eating around 1300 calories a day until I get back down to 118.  It's getting ridiculous how much I'm eating and how much fat I've gained.  I suck big time.

meal plan for tomorrow
Nov 20 2008 23:37

I'm going to try this and see what happens:

Breakfast (300)
40g oatmeal
120g soymilk
16g peanut butter

Lunch (200)
2 slice light wheat bread
2oz turkey
mustard
50 calories worth of soy crisps

Snack (200)
smoothie:  
120g almond breeze
1 tbsp cocoa powder
16g peanut butter
1/2 banana
splenda
ice

Dinner (300)
Veggie lasagna (hopefully, otherwise something else 300 cals)

Dessert (100)
140g frozen fruit
120g vanilla soymilk

Snack (200)
Whatever I feel like having

I need to lose this nasty extra water weight!

 OH, and do pilates!!!!!!!

why it's so much better to be at a healthy weight and not have an ED
Nov 15 2008 21:53

Lately I've been feeling down about gaining some of the weight back.  I've been finding my mind wandering and wishing that I were 110 pounds again.  This is BAD.  So I'm going to make a list of why it's great to be at a healthy weight and have a healthy relationship with food:

• I can go out to eat and order what I want.  Eating anything in moderation won't cause instant weight gain.  I know this now.
• I don't feel pain in my tail bone when I sit down for too long because I actually have a butt now.
• My bras are too small!  :)
• People don't constantly say, you're wayyyy too skinny!
• I can make cookies and actually have one or two of them without freaking out!
• My face isn't totally sunken in anymore! :)
• I can eat my two greatest loves, pizza and ice cream, without having a panic attack
• I have my period!  YIPEE
• I have so much more energy
• I'm not freezing all the time
• I don't live off of garden salad, apples and dry cheerios

bored/feeling gross
Jun 23 2008 15:11

Summer is boring.  My job sucks. 

And to top it off, I feel like shit.  I look in the mirror and I see a whale.  I know that I'm not actually fat and my mind is playing tricks on me, not to mention that I haven't even gained any weight!  I'm just eating a lot it seems, and my stomach is expanding so much!  My clothes feel tighter, and I really hope and think it's in my head because I haven't really gained weight like I'm supposed to.

I freaked out the other day when I tried on a pair of shorts at a store that were a size 1 and they were kind of tight!  I feel like they would have fit me a few weeks ago, and I thought they would still, but they looked dumb and too tight to wear in public!  AHHHH!!!! WHO cares if I'm not a size 1??? Size 1 is meant for preteens!!! NOT ME!   I should be like a size 4 or something at least!  I dunno... I just have to tell myself that.  

Lately I've started to feel like a failure because I'm at my lowest weight still (around 112 pounds) and yet I feel like I look exactly the same as when I weighed 140.  Obviously I don't, but I still hate my body and I tried on a bunch of my old clothes this morning and they weren't even that big on me!  It's making me feel like I should start restricting again and then once I hit a low weight, try to recover from there so I won't end up a fat blob.  BUT I realize that that plan is absolutely terrible and I definitely do not want to go through with it deep down.  I just have absolutely ZERO confidence in myself and it sucks big time.  I need to work on that.

my brain is messed up
Apr 27 2008 22:48

I'm trying to stop these thoughts in my head.  I keep wanting to lose weight, and I know that it is 100% because of the number on my scale.  When I see it go up, I go nuts!  But then when I look in the mirror, I know that I'm thin, and it's not like I want to be thinner, I don't.  THEREFORE,  I am going to stop weighing myself every day.  Maybe once a week, or once every two weeks.  It doesn't bother me to gain weight, but I just don't want to see myself gain weight over night.

It is SO STUPID!!  I got upset over seeing 112.0 on the scale because the day before it was 111.2!  WHAT?  112 is underweight!!! What is wrong with my brain? 

I am not fat.
I need to gain weight.
I need to regain my period.
I need to stop being stupid and get myself together and stop being an idiot!

AHH goodnight.  I'm going to eat some peanut butter before I change my mind!

what i ate today
Apr 18 2008 21:16

Anyone care to comment?  ehh i doubt it :/

Breakfast: Kashi golean crunch with vanilla soymilk

Snack: Almonds

Lunch: Apple, greek yogurt, fiber one cereal 

snack: oatmeal

Dinner: amy's bean and rice burrito

After dinner snacks: frozen yogurt, banana with peanut butter, luna bar

It's like 1700 calories.  I don't want to gain weight if I'm not exercising! AHHH I'm going crazy!!!