brownsug's Journal

need a new game plan
Apr 10 2009 08:41

I was told Wednesday that I needed to work on my "image", specifically my weight. That kinda sucked hearing it and the thing is i was just talking to my friend about that (not so much my image, but my weight) and then to have another person say something did not make me feel good. I just have to face the facts that I HAVE to change some things in my diet because obviously what i'm doing is not working. I want my uniforms to get back baggy and loose and not have to shop for my uniforms online because they don't have my size in the store. I want to feel normal size for my occupation and although i'll probably still be bigger than most folks (cause that's just my body frame) i'll be okay with that cause i look good in my uniform and i'm not the last person at PT and folks are not saying that i don't present a good military image.

So i've lost a few pounds and now i'm going to tweak my diet for the next two weeks with a variety of Slim Fast shakes and a fruit for breakfast, a lean cuisine or a homemade salad for dinner and probably the same for dinner. i'm trying to lower my calories but hopefully these things will still keep me full and i won't feel as if i haven't ate enough. the thing for me is i HAVE to get things i actually like and will eat and not get bored and decide i don't want it anymore. Shit, if being told i need to work on my image isn't enough then i honestly don't know what is anymore...

Hmmmm...
Apr 01 2009 10:47

So I got on some b/c yesterday, yazmin to be specific. I know i should be on something but my biggest fear about taking them was that i would gain weight. Case and point when i was in the 180s and on a downward spiral w/in two weeks i was gaining weight and i hadn't changed a thing fitness/diet wise. so i expressed that to the doctor yesterday and she gave me these low hormone pills and i'm just gonna cross my fingers and hope that these pills don't give me the previous effect...

damn...
Mar 04 2009 19:58

So i just tallied up my total day's consumption (honestly) and no wonder my a$$ isn't losing anything (not that i was surprised). today's total was damn near 2,500! gots to do better. i worked out but i only burned a punk a$$ 225 calories....sigh. well, good news is i'm getting up tomorrow morning to do 35 minutes of taebo which will burn at least 600 cals (for what i weigh).

gotta love it...
Mar 02 2009 11:21

This is exactly why I love working in my current section. I get the liberty to do my PT sesstions in the morning and come into work a little later, at least Tues and Thurs anyway. Which is exactly what I need. Mon, Wed, and Fri are automatic work out days (mandatory for my squadron) and Tues and Thursday I kinda struggle with finding the motivation after work so I went and asked my supervisor this morning if I would be able to work out first thing in the morning Tues and Thurs and come in to work about 830 and he said yes. I find that it's best for me to get my work out knocked out first thing in the morning since I usually am an early riser anyway. So with that now being an option i know that i will at least get in 5 days a week of pt! That makes me very happy right now cause Lord knows I haven't really been doing what I should be doing food wise.

I so wish someone could figure this out for me...
Jan 20 2009 16:01

It would be so simple to just follow what someone told me. But then again it "is" really simple now. I just complicate things by not practicing will power and not telling my cravings to be quiet. I really would like to have a complete 7 day week where I eat healthy and balanced, do at least 30 mins of Taebo, and drink at least 2 liters of water each day. And actually continue it into the next week. I always tell myself to buy healthy things that I know I actually like so that it will be a surefire way that I will eat it. I just don't know about me right now. I don't want to take drastic measures (diet pills), I want to believe that I'm strong enough to do it on my own but I really don't feel that I am. I need an extra something to help make sure I stick to what I'm supposed to. I don't know if this sounds crazy but I would buy those Alli pills again and risk the side effects. At least I know what will happen to me if I don't follow the plan. I know, I know, it shouldn't take me going to that extreme level but it worked for me before. This shit is really not hard and I wish I would stop making it out be more than what it is but the truth is I need help with control. I wish I could afford a live in life coach/personal trainer/nutritionist. My behind would definately stay in gear instead of sitting at my desk right now comtemplating if I want to take 27 mins out of my life to do some Taebo that will easily burn over 500 cals instead of sit on my couch and watch my favorite shows until Family Guy comes on and I get ready to go to bed, lol. I'm just gonna do it...I will become the master of my abilities and get the 27 mins over with. At least I know what to look forward to. It's kinda funny my mom sent me an email telling me that she noticed how i've gained some weight since being with my boyfriend and although he has not problem with my weight I shouldn't let myself go and then she went on to say that I was an inspiration to her and my sisters. I was really offended and I felt like I shouldn't be placed on a pedestal like that. I promptly deleted the email and later she asked why I didn't respond and I told her because you already told me that. I felt kinda embarrased at that email but then again who are they to judge me, it's not like any of us are skinny but it still didn't make me feel better. I know what I am capable of and I let myself go once again and all I can say each day is to get into and get better. I got to work at this like I have a huge event coming up and it's life or death if I don't meet the expectations (that's how I lost before only that was real), lol. So once again today I will become the master of my abilities and stop putting things off. I have nothing but time once 4:30 comes so might as well do something to make me feel good at the end and plus I've already logged the calories burned and I don't want to have to delete that or be a liar! lol

Time is winding down...
Dec 08 2008 09:45

there is exactly 24 days left in the year 2008. i am so excited and happy about that but also thinking of all the ups and downs i've had this year emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, etc. i'm just grateful that i have the chance to be able to wake each day and start anew. i'm also happy that i will be bringing in the new year in England with my best friend! i have been putting off doing too many things because of fear or even because of money and i'm going to start living and doing all i can do while at the same time spending wisely. i've been thinking of considering taking a new career path and i just feel like there is about to be a new chapter in my life in 2009 and i'm excited, happy, and welcoming it. while my weight may not be where i want it to be right now i'm happy; my family is getting along, i have a wonderful man who supports and respects me 100%, my career is going well , i have great friends and overall i cannot fix my mouth to complain about anything. i just feel blessed and i want to continue to be productive and better myself this upcoming year.

yet another revelation...
Nov 12 2008 15:21

only you can decide when you've had enough...enough of the behind closed doors over eating, enough gaining weight, enough of feeling depressed and sorry for yourself. no one can trigger that defining moment a second sooner than you really, really want it to happen.

i've just beening thinking of the way i've been doing the last few months. got down to 184, not my goal weight but i was definately looking/feeling confident/cocky, passed my pt test and felt wonderful because it had definitely been a struggle, got in celebration mode, took a dramatic break from exercising and sensible eating, broke up with bf, got a new car, got a check from the insurance company, planned a trip to England, got a new man, got comfortable, and still not as consistent with the working out/eating sensibly.

i guess my defining moment was having a pregnancy scare and being terrified of blowing up (like 250lbs) because of my pregnancy and not being able to get back down to a comfortable weight. i would hate to be the big girl with the pretty face and have my man (who is slim and toned and loves me the way i am regardless) be stuck with a fat ass girlfriend. not just about him but i want to get back to feel confident all the time, not saying i have self esteem issues cause i don't but lately i've been definately feeling frumpy when it time to go out somewhere and i feel limited because some clothes are not fitting the way i want or the stuff i really want to wear i can't because it's literally too tight. i am back to bordering a size 14/16 and it can't be like that at all. i want to attempt to be fit, and even if i'm stuck being a 14 the rest of my life i want to be the flyest size 14 i can be. so today i start again, and all i'm gonna say is i'm going to attempt to be proud of something that i did better than the previous day...wish me luck

Falling way off the wagon...
Oct 03 2008 08:06

I got on the scale this morning and my f*cking weight is up 9 lbs from my lowest this year. I can't be mad at anyone but myself but I am still so disappointed. I tried on a pair of pants that used to be pretty loose on me and they fit perfectly, a little snug at the stomach area even. Why couldn't I accept my weight loss and keep it up instead of going into celebration mode and ruining all my progress?! I feel like a phony...when I'm around others I "seem" to be eating healthy with my snacks and continuous water bottles and bringing my gym clothes but as soon as I get by myself I binge. I feel like I have a problem and I know exactly how to fix it but I won't do anything to change. As always, today is a new day. But even more, I feel like it's my wake up call. I might as well say I've gained 10 lbs back from the 15 I lost and that is not acceptable. The holidays are coming up and I have a trip planned and I refuse to feel uncomfortable the whole time because I've let myself go. So I am vowing to get back on the wagon. I'm purchasing a refill pack of Alli today...it seems pretty extreme when you think about it but if disciplining myself to prevent a nasty side effect will keep me in check then damnit that's what I'm going to do. I have all these ideas and plans in my head and on paper but I need to hold myself accountable and do what I know I can and have done before. I'm tired of struggling but I realize that I'm going to have to stay at it every single day because I'm not blessed to eat whatever I want and not have consequences. So today is Day 1 and I really pray that I'm strong enough to fight temptation and find another way to deal with my emotions rather than eating...

Sep 23 2008 10:22

i guess sticking to the eating some 100 cals every hour really did me justice yesterday. i did eat more than i planned at lunch but in the end it didn't even matter cause i still had more calories left over for dinner than i thought i would. by the time i got home worked out cooked my dinner and ate i was good and satisfied and not overly stuffed like i usually am. i guess i have to keep it up especially on the weekends when it's most easy for me to binge

Well....
Sep 22 2008 09:15

Yesterday was the first day of me following the new goals i set out for myself but the only thing i actually did was drink all my water...for some reason i was snacking like crazy and i realized how many calories are in pistachios. Damn! but even that didn't stop me. i know i have retained water due to all that sodium i had yesterday but i'm drinking my 2 liters and i have kickboxing today and i'm so ready to go! i'm actually trying i read on of the CC members did to keep themselves from getting overly hungry. i'm eating something 100 cal each hour. i'll probably have a 300 or 400 cal lunch and have a snack before working out and depending on how much cal i have for dinner i'll have a regular dinner or break it up. i'm also doing the calorie shifting so as long as i burn at least 500 cal each day and stick to the alloted cals hopefully i will have lost something by the end of this week. we will see and i just pray that i stick to my calorie target no matter what!