brownsug's Journal

Been a minute...
May 19 2008 15:28

I did something so bad this weekend...i've read of folks doing stuff like this but i thought to myself i could never do that. i guess i was just challenging myself. i ate a whole medium pepperoni, mushroom and green pepper thin crust pizza by myself Sat. WTF?!?!?! Seriously, what was i thinking? i even threw up some after that and was definitely through craving "real" pizza. i prayed that the next day when i got on the scale it wouldn't have jumped up and amazingly it didn't but i was like i can't believe i did that to myself. I have two weeks and i really want to get down to 180 by the end of May. i still believe that its possible but i can't keep having setbacks like this. Thank GOD that i work out on a regular basis but its low points like this that make me fear that i will not reach my goal...and with this upcoming four day i pray that i have some discipline. my mom is having a pre-graduation get together for my little sister and its going to be lots of good food, family, and friends and just a good time. my plan is to drink lots of water and only snack up until the barbeque. and i will have a little bit of all the things i like so i won't over do it and i do plan on hitting up the track close to where she stays. i hope i stick to everything that i have set in my mind because 5 lbs is not that far away for me.

Shot to hell...
Apr 28 2008 09:13

That is exactly how I describe my weekend attempt of recouping from my Friday of excessive eating. Saturday was bad, I was in the house mostly all day and I was lonely and bored so i binge ate but I didn't have any "bad" foods in my apt so I just over ate the things I had. Which still made me feel I have absolutely NO self control whatsoever. I really want to have the self discipline and consistency to monitor my calories and work out even on the weekends when no one is around. I really want to be able to lose 10lbs on my own without any diet pills or diet fad. But I feel like I don't have control enough to do it by myself. Why is it so much easier to stick with through the week and on the weekend just blow everything I've been doing?! I am praying everyday that I get some strength to really push myself and be stronger than my cravings. And I know that folks can give me encouragement and push me all day long but in the end I'm the one who has to do this for myself and if I can't get a handle on this then maybe I don't deserve it. Sometimes I wonder do I need to get checked out to find out if there is some impulse in my brain that tells me that I need to eat to feel better about whatever is bringing me down at the moment. Well like I always say, today is a new day and a fresh start and all I can do is give my honest, whole-hearted effort and pray that I stick with it.

nothing to say...
Apr 25 2008 13:00

Well today is Friday and so far I have been eating wtf I want with no regard, well not completely. My supervisor took me to lunch at Chili's and I ordered the cajun chicken pasta. I only ate half which is good but even if I wanted, I couldn't force myself to stuff all that food in my stomach, I would have burst! And we damn near finished all the tortilla chips w/ salsa between the two of us! Then he went to the commissary and got a fudge cake w/ chocolate ice cream because he promised everyone he was going to get cake and ice cream today. I'm not even gonna sit here and front like I'm not going to have some whenever he starts serving. I have an hour long workout this evening but I'm not sure its going to undo the damage that I've done so far today. I plan on fasting this weekend and I subconsciously wonder if I'm trying to get everything out of my system before tomorrow gets here. Either way I am definitely NOT denying myself anything today. Flip side is I have been drinking my water and I had half a glass of diet coke at lunch but that's about the only good that I've done today  Not gonna beat myself up too much because I'm glad that I didn't eat to the point that I felt like throwing up and I'm still working out today and tomorrow too.

Damn!!!
Apr 23 2008 07:41

Well I gave in yesterday and decided to get fast food for dinner. But instead of getting that happy meal I went to Burger King and ordered the original chicken sandwich meal w/ diet coke. Well I just totaled up all my calories for the day and I went over 2000! I am so shocked/disappointed in myself. Even though I did work out yesterday but I'm sure not enough to offset eating that for dinner. So today I'm going to drink alot, alot of water and eat better all day and plus I have turbo kick boxing after work so I'm sure I will burn all that off. I know they say you are supposed to give in a little to your craving and don't deny yourself stuff so you won't go overboard but I still feel like some ****! I'm not gonna dwell on it too much but it hurt me to see the amount of calories. French fries I kinda already know but it said my sandwich was over 600 calories! That just doesn't seem real to me but its gone now so I can only move forward. New day, new start...

I am so.....
Apr 22 2008 10:27

Tired. Yesterday while at step aerobics I'm doing well, high energy and all but about 30 mins in I start getting so tired. My instructor told us to make sure we eat plenty of protein so we can have enough energy but I generally did not feel well. And this morning I jogged/walked 3 miles and I felt like I was struggling. My thing is to keep going, even if I have to slow down but never stop but I had to stop and walk a few times! Now keep in mind that I'm no fast runner but I usually can keep going and not stop because I pace myself. I feel disappointed in myself and hope that I'm not becoming a slacker or being lazy. Yesterday after I got home from the gym and showered, I made my dinner and after that I was out. I feel asleep probably at 8 and slept until this morning at 6 but I still feel tired and drained . What am I missing or not doing?! I drink most of my water everyday (60 oz, I know it should probably be a little more) and try to keep my dinners healthy after a workout (protein and veggies). I wonder if my job has anything to do with it...i am pretty much sedetary all day. I have a desk job and stay on the computer all day long with occasional walks up the hall or down stairs or to another bldg 2 mins away and honestly my gym time is the highlight of my day because I get to be outside and around other individuals. But in reality by the time 430 comes I feel drained beyond no end, I am constantly tired throughout the day and I really don't feel like I have much energy. Doctor said my b-12 levels are higher than normal so what is wrong with me?

Realistically speaking...
Apr 16 2008 14:02

I feel like I'm slacking...I do my workouts 5xs a week and I count my calories and all that and even noticing that my clothes are getting too big and pants that I've bought two weeks ago are already hanging off of me but for some reason when I get home I've been having these cravings and I just binge. On healthy stuff because that's all I have in my apt but the fact that I do it makes me feel like I'm setting a double standard. I'm not gaining any weight and I always vow to do better the next day but I don't know what it is that triggers me to eat more so I might do the same thing the next day. I try to stick at my 1400 cal a day which is not really hard but sometimes I feel like I'm not eating enought in a day so going over by 100 or 200 cal is okay because I'm working out but I want to be consistent. I feel that if I don't get down to my goal weight soon then I'm going to become borderline obsessive complulsive with dieting and fitness and I just want it to be natural for me. Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much but it does consume my thoughts all day, everyday. Not to mention I have standards I must meet to maintain my career but that's a whole nother issue for another day!