bsh0611's Journal

Stewart's Diet Orange'n Cream Soday is yum
Nov 07 2009 16:30

I'm in the kitchen, the girls, both still under the weather, are napping; soon I will wake them, we will lay on the carpet and snuggle, and then we'll order pizza. Evelyn will eat hers with a fork; Kylie thinks she is well enough for 2 slices. I took them to BounceU this morning - a place with a bunch of large, inflatable bouncey areas and obstacle courses with slides. Kylie can do them all by herself; Evelyn needs me to bring her through and I thank goodness I'm in shape enough to do it because she has a blast. So even though they were sick, they got in a lot of activity. When I came home, my husband, who was so sick yesterday that he came home from work and he never does that!, was looking much better, and he decided that since he missed the Bandwagon (aka his parents camper) to State College last night, he'd drive out and go to the game. I got him some soup and bread for lunch, filled a water bottle with OJ for the road, and he got going. I had been freaking out. FREAKING OUT. I was having such a bad week. I felt so tense and bloated, so disgusted with myself; the antibiotic made me huff and puff and sweat like mad on the treadmill, and I was angry, even raging, sometimes. I was depressed. I felt awful. Well, last night I had 2.5 glasses of wine and that prompted me to eat through the whole house. I woke up this morning feeling so depressed. I only got in 3 slow miles because I had to bathe the girls and feed them and take care of Matt so I could get to BounceU in time; I got in activity at BounceU, but I still felt so guilty, so awful, so mad and anxious, so disgusted with myself, that I was in tears as Matt left the house and flipping out around the kids. Kylie asked why I was so sad, and I felt so horrible for being that way around them. It was awful for them. Anyway, I said, "Kylie sometimes I feel so all alone and so unspecial." And she looked at me and said "You are special and you are never without us". How amazing is that child? I had been rambling only moments before and said something about not deserving to be a mom and she had looked at me with the most heartbroken face saying "you don't want to be a mom anymore?!" And so I told her that of course I do, I ALWAYS want to be their mom, always. I got them cleaned up after lunch, then went back down and ran three fast, intense miles with a 23 minute walk on top of it. It helped. I told Kylie that she put my heart back together. I love that child.

I wasn't ready for the weight gain. Now, my ankles are sore again - I think the antibiotic made my joints, tendons and ligaments all vulnerable - my feet feel pained sometimes when I walk. But I can't do nothing. I've grown accustomed to eating what I feel is overly gargantuan amounts of food that make me loathe myself and loathe food, and if I couldn't jog away that bloated feeling, I don't know what I'd do. That, and I love it. Like this afternoon - running 8 minute miles on an incline got my heart pounding and alleviated my stress. now I feel better. I just wish I knew what triggerred this miserable week. I hope it is better next week.

I have to accept that I'll never be that little again. I may want to be, but I just won't. It's gone. I loved myself that way but it really was just an illusion, a mirage; and I remember that I was unhappy with how tired and hungry I was then. I just wish I could get on a damned eating schedule that was normal and stop obsessing about food. If I could do that, I'd be golden. Maybe when I get a job outside the home.... but seriously, I have so much going on, I shouldn't have time for it. For the obsession. But its still there. I wish it would go away.

OK... my girls need me! Gosh I love them.