cc1170's Journal

New month, New day, same old hunger and bad eating habits. I have been fighting a raging appetite today. Probably because of my terrible binge yesterday. My appetite definately seems to have no limit.

I managed to get some exercise in even though I felt like crap when I got up. I had to force myself to do it. Even then I chose easier workouts. But I did it and feel better about that.

I start school tomorrow. God, am I scared. I feel like I am going to be so out of place with all of these young preppy kids. I feel like I am starting all over again. I have no really cool clothes to wear. I suppose it doesn't really matter, I can't pass for 20 anyhow. I just don't want them to think I am a dowdy homemaker. I suppose I am not much more than that anyhow. The most important thing is getting this degree, none of this other bullshit. Who cares what these kids think of me anyhow. I just don't want to feel fat and frumpy. I am going to need to work extra hard on making that happen.

Well that's it for now...I will keep checking in so I can keep my thoughts flowing especially with the Mr. Z dilemma. I gotta get myself over this guy, he isn't worth it! He doesn't care that much about you. Why do I always find myself in these types of relationships. What is it about me?

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Well I really know how to blow it. I am back up again...I don't even know how high because I wouldn't weigh myself this am. I went to a family reunion yesterday and it triggered a major binge last nite. Thankfully all I had here were lower calorie choices...they were bad enough but had they been full fat products my calorie count would have been way over the 3500 I managed to consume. Still it is pretty awful. I am making sure I am accountable though by logging what i consumed though I wasn't going to. I think I need to though. I start school tomorrow and I had hoped to be down on weight. I was down 5 lbs and I have managed to gain it all back.

I am in the midst of a Mr. Z crisis. I am trying to talk myself into letting things go back to normal. I feel like I am hanging onto something that isn't mutual. I feel stronger than he does and I am fully aware of it. I have been trying to kid myself that he feels the same and I can make him aware of it. I can't, he has done this many times before and he is a pro at distancing himself and feeling no emotion. If I told him goodbye today he would probably welcome it and never look back. I on the other hand would cry and feel lousy. I would most likely be short with the kids, do terrible in school, and gain 10 lbs. Why do I have to be so weak and desperate? He is really not all that. He could use a lesson on communication and romance, that's for sure.

Well that is all for now. I am going to try to get myself back to a fighting weight and forget about Mr. Z and how I can persuade him to find me irresistable. HA! That's funny!

I need to keep journaling, it is good for me to get this stuff out somewhere. I can't share any of this with anyone and it eats me alive from the inside. I am sure this adds to my need for food.

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I was down to 126.2 yesterday and back up to 128.2 today. I hope this is just water retention. I caved and ate cold pizza last nite. I was hungry and tempatation took over. I had a rough afternoon and it showed. Jordan was being her usual self after transition and Mr. Z was giving me the cold shoulder and I had no idea why. Of course I gave in to him and wound up being the passive one I always am with him because I am afraid to lose him. Don't know why, I don't have him now. I just need him for the boost of having someone. I seriously need some friends...I am soooo lonely here.

I am so ready to get back to school and have something that is all mine again, even if it is stressful. At least I am using my brain there and can be proud of what I do. Here I just struggle to keep up and don't even know what to do with myself or the girls most of the time. Usually I just want to escape and am using food to do that. Today will be a long Saturday. I am thinking of going to the amusement park just so we don't have to sit around here all day and be bored. These girls won't play by themselves or go outside unless i force them. It makes me crazy. My parents never did that for me.

Well I am going to go exercise now. I will check in later.

Take care of yourself...you are worth it!

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Well...weight is at 129.2 today. I was down to 127+ the other day...don't know what happened there. I didn't binge or anything yet the weight came back on. I am starting school next Tuesday and don't want to put anymore back on. I was at 131 the other day and totally freaked out and immediately tried to get back on the wagon...last nite I ate too much Snickers ice cream...never should have bought it. I thought I could stay out of it, yea right!

My clothes were even beginning to feel looser the other day...and now I am headed in the wrong direction again. I am going to try not to let this little slip get me down. I need to move on and keep trying. I am still exercising...so that's is good. Now I gotta keep those calories down. I am averaging about 1800 right now, so that is better than in previous journal entries. That is something to be happy about. It is not low enough to lose weight but I plan to keep deducting slowly and gradually get back to 1500 at least.

I hope when I am busy with school I forget this struggle and just keep going. My mind needs to be rid of Mr. Z concerns and onto bigger and better things. The kids are back in school and that is definately a load off my mind. I feel like I can breath again and am happy to have some alone time back. I need it. I don't know what things will be like when I am working full time. I will probably go crazy from stress. Well I have at least 2 years to go before that happens, why think about it now?

I hope this gain is mostly water since TTOM should be coming along shortly. I want to feel good walking back in the classroom with all those young kids.

That's it for now...catch you later. Stay strong!

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I just don't know why I can't stop eating soooo much! I am over 2000 most days now and am averaging about 1900 calories per day. This is too much for me and I am gaining steadily, before I know it I will weigh 135 and be over where I started. I started at 133. I am feeling so badly about this but it makes no difference. At night the food calls me and I go every time. I have no self-control anymore. I think my appetite is worse than it ever was before. I used to be able to eat 1500 and be satisfied and don't get why I am not right now.

All I know is that I am unhappy with myself right now. It is no one's fault but my own and shame on me for being so weak willed!

That's all for now.

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It again has been some time since I journaled here, I really should do it more often because it feels really good to get stuff out this way.

I have been reading Valerie Bertinelli's book "Losing It" and boy do I find myself in those pages. I am such an emotional eater...I don't know if I will ever be able to stop doing it. I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am stressed, sad, lonely, bored, you name it. I don't think there is ever a time when I don't want to eat. Except when I am down with the flu. That may be the only time I don't care about food. That is not often enough.

Funny thing is I have no trouble with exercise. Some people hate it. I grew to love it and I do it regularly but see no benefit, except feeling strong and having more stamina than some other people I know. I sure don't see it in the way my clothes fit.

I really need to learn self control. I know I have very little and not just when it comes to food. I have had very little most of my life. I am a spontaneous person and do what I want almost as soon as I want to. I don't mill things over and wait to make a decision or share news. I get it out there or act too quickly. I want to stop doing that. If I can learn to do that than maybe I have a chance to conquer my poor eating habits. I think about chocolate and I have to have it right then. I will obsess over it until I get it. I need to find another way to satisfy these urges I have.

I find I have been this way with men too. Which has only caused me pain. If I had a crush on someone I could never keep it under wraps. I always acted on those emotions even when I shouldn't have. I also did a lot of stupid things because of this inability to control my emotions. I need to learn self-control especially since I am going to be starting my career over the next couple of years. I want to learn to remain composed and not become flustered or jittery in tense situations. I also wish to handle conflicts better with people.

Well that is a lot to want to change and the problem is I don't really know where to begin. I am still seeing the therapist and I suppose that is a good thing. I need to call her by the way...so don't forget. It is time to set up an appointment.

Well I guess it is time for another cup of coffee, then onto bill paying. Jen's baby shower is today and I am hoping that I can keep my eating under control during it and the rest of the weekend. Stay strong! Remember you are starting school in a few weeks and want to feel confident. You cannot do that when you hate the way you look and feel. Don't binge! BTW weight is up to 128+...Not good!

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Well it has been a while since I wrote in here so thought i would. I am feeling pretty much like I normally do. Fat, tired, and lazy. I started Cymbalta couple days ago and hoping I don't have side effects like before on the other meds. I can't afford to lose any more hair.

My weight is up to 125...and I thought I could stop at 115. Yea, right! I desperately want to get back down...which is why I went back on an antidepressant. I am hoping it will subside my desire to binge eat.

I am still in therapy and really like the therapist...though she is off the wall sometimes. She talks of angels and other spiritual things like that at times. I wouldn't want to tell anyone that...they would think she is a loon. But I feel better when I leave her office and it gives me the strength I need to get thru this difficult time at home.

I did really good yesterday, eating wise. I stayed under my limit...mainly because I didn't sit at home and eat food after dinner. I went and saw Mr. Z...yummy! That is motivation enough not to binge on chocolate chip cookies...well for a little while anyhow.

ok, I really need to get off this computer and do something worthwhile, like clean this stinky fishtank next to me...

Bye!

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AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH! 119!? I am up to 119! I feel awful and I don't like myself very much right now! What the hell am I doing to myself!

I am realizing I don't eat only when feeling down, but when feeling good too. I think it is worse when I am celebrating something. I tend to overeat and it is mostly sweets and snacks!

I can't stay below 2000 much less 1500! I have to gain control of my eating and now. I lost all that weight only to be just 10 lbs away from where I began. I now don't fit in size 3 anymore. I am almost back to size 6! Not bad for most women my age, but there is no excuse for this behavior.

I feel like an out of control individual. I need help but there is none to be found, this rests squarely on my shoulders...come on you, buck up!

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It's been a while since I wrote in here. I should do it more often, it feels good to get my feelings down somewhere.

I am still eating poorly and trying to get it under control. These days I am just trying to stay under 2000. I am up to 113ish. My size 3 pants are fitting tightly. I think my hubby likes the fact that I have gained weight back. I saw a professor the other and she said that I looked good. She was one of the people saying I looked unwell during the winter when I was down to 105.

Since all of the med crap...I have lost hair which I think came from malnutrition or something. I am most concerned about that and went off the meds to stop it. Since then all I do is eat. I am hungry constantly...worse than ever. I am craving comfort foods because I am down about my hair loss and the acne I have now, which I also think was a side effect of the med. The derm confirmed it.

I am feeling insecure and don't want to go ANYWHERE. It is hard for me to go to class each day. I even felt insecure when walking outside yesterday. I don't want anyone to see me like this. The only ones that do are my family and I feel most comfortable with them. Enough to wear my hair up and without makeup. The acne has been just awful on my neck and jawline. I am praying it clears up soon. The doc gave me creams to treat it. I am using minoxidil for the hairloss. It seems to have slowed down, the doc says it is male pattern hairloss. I had a bunch of blood tests done but he hasn't called me with the results. I got a copy from the lab but I really don't know exactly what the results mean. Some things were out of the norm, he will need to fill me in on them.

Well my daughter just got up and wanted bowl of Reeses puffs and now i have a bowl too! I have no willpower when it comes to sugar...its so pathetic.

Well I need to buck-up and get over myself already...life is too short to be so unhappy. I just can't seem to get past the fact that it can be so shitty and cruel much of the time. Why must it be that way? Now I want another bowl of cereal, ugh!

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Well....I managed to get exercise in today...I am at about 1600+ cals for the day...better than 2000. Something is better than nothing. Baby steps back down...I gotta get my appetite under control.

Hubby is out of town and I am liking it, unfortunately dd misses him...makes me rethink seperation.

I met with a new therapist today and I really liked her, it felt good to talk to her and finally have someone to tell my thoughts to. I hope I can make some real progress with her and start to heal myself.

I think if I could do that, my eating habits would become better by themselves. I would like myself enough to stop sabotaging my weight loss and want to take care of me for me. Plus I need to learn to do that anyhow. Get past the idea that I need to look a certain way to attract men. I need to let that go and just do what makes me feel good.

These men don't give a shit about how I feel...they care about what they want or how they feel. I need to take time for me, focus on my schooling and myself. I love my kids but they take a lot from me too. I comfort myself with food and I soooo want to stop doing that. I feel like it is my only comfort at times and that it makes me happy. I want to feel that way normally, all the time.

Well I need to end this and get to bed.

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