cc1170's Journal

Well I really know how to blow it. I am back up again...I don't even know how high because I wouldn't weigh myself this am. I went to a family reunion yesterday and it triggered a major binge last nite. Thankfully all I had here were lower calorie choices...they were bad enough but had they been full fat products my calorie count would have been way over the 3500 I managed to consume. Still it is pretty awful. I am making sure I am accountable though by logging what i consumed though I wasn't going to. I think I need to though. I start school tomorrow and I had hoped to be down on weight. I was down 5 lbs and I have managed to gain it all back.

I am in the midst of a Mr. Z crisis. I am trying to talk myself into letting things go back to normal. I feel like I am hanging onto something that isn't mutual. I feel stronger than he does and I am fully aware of it. I have been trying to kid myself that he feels the same and I can make him aware of it. I can't, he has done this many times before and he is a pro at distancing himself and feeling no emotion. If I told him goodbye today he would probably welcome it and never look back. I on the other hand would cry and feel lousy. I would most likely be short with the kids, do terrible in school, and gain 10 lbs. Why do I have to be so weak and desperate? He is really not all that. He could use a lesson on communication and romance, that's for sure.

Well that is all for now. I am going to try to get myself back to a fighting weight and forget about Mr. Z and how I can persuade him to find me irresistable. HA! That's funny!

I need to keep journaling, it is good for me to get this stuff out somewhere. I can't share any of this with anyone and it eats me alive from the inside. I am sure this adds to my need for food.