a bit of light??Nov 09 2009 13:49
So I wrote in here about a week ago now. I was trying to pull myself out of whatever hole I seemed to have slipped into. Its been another week, and I think maybe I am on an upward swing. I hate to say it, in case I were to jinx myself (as silly as that may sound, its the truth) I went to the gym a couple of times last week, and Ive done a water aerobics class a couple of times since then as well. They aren't big things, but they signify the fact that I left the house. I get an almost-phobia about leaving the house when I fall into this depression. I have a hard time answering the phone, I hate it if the door buzzer rings. I wont go anywhere during the day when I am alone, I will wait until even ing and ask someone to come with me. I think the biggest problem is how well I hide it. I am not really a 'depressed' person when I am depressed.I am mostly happy (when I am awake) I just feel like I am dying inside, and heaven forbidI let anyone know that. That would be ghastly. But whatever cycle I seem to be on seems to have me returning (I hope) to the land of the living. I am so scared to get back into that depressed state it makes me incredibly anxiety filled. I stayed for about two years at one point. It is obviously about more than just weight, although I think it plays a bigger role in my depression than the people around me with accept. And then, therefore, that I will admit to. So today I am on a healthy cleanse type eating plan, just to try and get my body feeling good again.I hope to do it for about a week. And as soon as that is done (barring catastrophe) I will return to my calorie-counting ways. I do, however, have a habit of kicking myself when I'm down. I hope I can keep strong enough to remain up and at'em so to speak. Will write again soon.
