chelbelle417's Friends

Just thought I'd put in a quick entry, especially since I'll probably be busy most of the day- mostly lab stuff. I'm so excited- tonight's my last lab for biomechanics! I actually really like the labs, it's just the write ups which take for-ev-er. Hopefully the one tonight goes fast, I want to get in some studying afterwards. Yeah, so I can't really sleep, which explains the name of this entry. I DID need to get laundry done, though, and what better way to beat the crowd then by throwing in a couple loads before sunrise? actually, there were some other people doing laundry too, which was a little weird, since I'm in my pajamas. but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. I also did pretty well yesterday- no episodes or anything- so I'm going to look at today as a blank slate. If I'm careful and stay aware of my stress level, I should be fine. So! list of things to get done today..

finish lab report- geez, how long is this going to take? hopefully we'll be done before 3.

finish all math homework problems, continue reviewing old homeworks

So today wasn't the best day, by far. Not only did I slip up and have an episode WHICH COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF I WASN'T BEING SO SILLY! honestly, I don't know why or how I continue to convince myself that 'oh, I can eat a big breakfast then just be really careful the rest of the day' when obviously, as previous experience has shown, I in fact cannot. on the plus side, i know when and on what i usually binge (breakfast time, cereal, cookies, ice cream. anything with ketchup on it). but im still not quite able to stop myself. grrrrr. 

but as depressing as that backslide it (I was doing so well this past week!), im more upset that I have not even started studying for my math exam on Thursday, which is going to be awful because I've totally been ignoring that class! so. to prepare myself I am going to make a list of everything I want to accomplish over the next three days. and in case this wasnt obvious from the name of this entry,  it's going to require large amounts of caffeine.

Monday (tomarrow)

Wake up around 7, go work out. Go to 9:55 class and turn in circuits homework.

Go back to dorm and start reviewing old math homeworks- writing down equations/steps for each type of problem. Around 6 meet with project group, work on lab write up with partner, blah blah blah other not as important stuff

actually, I think I'll write what I want to accomplish on Tuesday after seeing how Monday goes. 

and as for tonight, I'm going to finish my readings for math and stock up on powerade and diet mountain dew. 

So yesterday went alright, I guess. I stayed pretty busy throughout the day and just had a snack before bed, Hopefully I don't have any problems today. I'm feeling okay right now, which is a good sign because mornings are usually the worst, but I have to watch my stress level throughout the day. Thats how Monday went pretty much- got SUPER stressed out over my first exam, I just lost it. And I am SO unproductive after I binge, can't focus on anything. sigh. I can't believe it's Wed already! What! I have so much stuff to get done in the next 48 hours..not even, 36. And Im a nervous wreck :P I think I got 5 hours of sleep last night (arrrrgh(, because as much as i love sleep I'm just too nervous about everything.

List of things to focus on in next 24 hours:

1. Second exam, at 9:55, which I'm studying for right now and should be over soon thank goodness

2. Take home quiz: try to get first, second problem done before 2pm. Pick up homework?? Eh. worry about that Thursday.

3. Study study study for last exam. Seriously. All time after 3 pm will be devoted to last exam study time. mainly, review problems and write up notecard.

okay, that makes me feel better.

So long story short, I haven't gotten over my binge eating disorder. It's actually the worst its been since school started, and I've been binge eating pretty much every other day :(:( I'm in this weird cycle where I binge eat one day, then eat barely anything the next, rinse and repeat basically. I know, I know- I'm setting myself up for binging by not eating anything the day after, but I feel so guilty and disgusting that I just can't eat anything. And I don't mean low self esteem disgusting- like, actual physical symptoms disgusting. Since my binges are pretty big, I wake up the next morning super bloated, my mouth is dry and disgusting, I've had horrible night sweats so I'm all sweaty and gross- and just the idea of putting on jeans is awful. That's how I feel today, since yesterday was pretty bad. I got so stressed out I just ate and ate. 

Anyway, I know that I can beat this, and I really don't want to be still binging in December, which would make it a year that I've been dealing with BED. O my gosh..a whole year. The idea just freaks me out. So here's the plan: write an entry every day that includes how the day;s going and what my calorie goal is.

So today is obviously not going very well. I haven't really eaten anything..I'm not hungry and I'm really afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop (which is happening more and more frequently). I'm feeling really nervous right now actually, so I think I'll go workout, then study, then hopefully have a better day tomorrow. WILL have a better day tomorrow.