clairelaine's Friends

I need to tone down my anger, frustration etc.  The commute is getting to me, the lack of professionalism is getting to me, the location is getting to me and I am losing it.  Told the boss something in confidence concerning business and I get stopped in the parking lot by an employee who asks me if the rumor is true.  Floored that the head of the place would tell someone else and now it is floating around the building.  I should have known I couldnt trust her, but I had to deal w/ her concerning this piece of business....no other way to do it.

Now Im getting paranoid....I can see in other peoples eyes and actions that they are aware. 

Yup Im paranoid.

I lost it when I found out she opened her mouth.  Need to get a grip.

Hit the gym for spin last night and was proud of myself. 

Cortisone working well on my elbow, no pain last night.

All for now....short, choppy, recognizing Im still pissed.

This is going to sound like one of my 'old' posts.

So far so good on the 'no snacking' front. Good fluid intake (2-3l a day at least). Eating all fresh food (no processed/ready meals).

Be warned- I am a compulsive weigher. This is not good I know, but I'm used to it, and I know what meals or totm will result in small temporary gains, so I'm okay with it.

On day 2 I was down 2lbs. On day 3 I was up a lb. Today I'm up another lb. So I'm back to where I started on Monday. I know my weight will fluctuate, but it would eventually drop a bit? Please God it'll drop soon??

I'm not eating enough- I know. I'm averaging 1100-1200 a day. I'm now 7lbs heavier than when I stopped my 'diet', and I'm not happy.

I'm afraid to eat more in case I gain more. It might sound shallow- but I was REALLY looking forward to celebrating the holidays as a 'slim' person (well, slim in my eyes! LOL!), now I feel like a failure? I don't want to jump my cals too much until after the partys are all over in case my new party clothes end up not fitting me- does that sound sad? But I can't get the lbs to go? I may try cutting back on my carbs a bit, but most of my carbs come from veg (strange as that might seem?) so I'm reluctant to do that?

Please keep me positive, tell me how to keep positive? I need to see a drop on the scales- even just a little one to keep me going through Christmas? Then the New Year will be me getting things back to where they should be cal wise. I may even throw a little exercise into the mix if I get motivated enough?.... 

BREAKFAST

• one cup of Fiber One cereal
• one cup of unsweetened vanilla Almond Breeze
• one slice of toasted Flax Seed sprouted bread
• one-half cup of low fat cottage cheese

LUNCH

• Trader Joe's spicy ranchero egg white salad
• one blueberry fiber cake
• three slices of lean turkey
• two and a half servings of fresh zucchini
• one slice of Flatbread 
• two tablespoons, roasted red pepper hummus 

DINNER

• six ounces of Yukon gold potatoes
• five ounces of diced yellow onion
• Southwestern Eggbeaters Scramble
• turkey bacon
• two servings of bagged salad
• Walden Farms calorie free salad dressing

SNACKS

• six hardboiled egg whites
• two cups of radishes
• one medium, peeled cucumber, sliced (with spritz)
• five slices of fat free turkey bologna
• one-half serving (25 sticks) of Trader Joe's Veggie Sticks

TOTALS FOR THE DAY

• TOTAL CALORIES: 1581
• TOTAL NET CARBS: 137
• GRAMS OF FIBER: 70
• VEGGIE/FRUIT SERVINGS: 11

Lots of drama...lots of talking...decided to stay here till Mel graduates..can't by a house like I had planned so I'll live in Joe's...I'll be bringing in very little, but I'll be bringing something.

Got my calories in today 2135...

And just relaxing...

That will be a busy year 2011..mel graduates High school and goes to college..

Steph graduating college..and takes the dog...and starts her life..

I'll marry Joe in January..and fly back and forth..to settle it all up...

Can't have an angry melanie living in Joe's bachelor house..hardly room for me.

Oh well...he does love me...and there is really something to say about that....I do love him...and he is a frugal man...but he is kind...and loving...and he makes me laugh and accepts me with all my quirky parts...no pretenses..just me..

Can't put a price on that..and i've had a life of living beyond my means...marrying where there was something very important missing..I've been alone a long time...and I am getting older...so let me concentrate on getting healthy....and its really just a little while longer...worth it in the long run...

Yesterday went well until 8:30; I felt confident and centered, went to an OA mtg, then at bedtime binged on nuts and cereal.  No apparent reason,  but, of course, none needed.  The chaos continued this morning, which was a snow day, so no work.  I kept eating cereal and nuts and milk and lunched on pb & honey plus canned soup and potato chips--seriously, not the kind of foods I want or eat when I feel healthy.  I note some odd physical symptoms in the last 24, too, beginning with a drunken feeling after eating all the carbs, followed up with severe vertigo twice, and the worst leg cramps I ever had, all in the middle of the night.  Think I got enough potassium & calcium yesterday and I have been getting more walking in for two days.  I'm due for a doctor's check up for sure.

Snow day meant I didn't have to perform my part in the teacher workshop we had scheduled for this afternoon; it will undoubtedly be rescheduled.  I made another necklace today, for my sister Donna:  garnet, almost pink pearls,  lavender  candy  jade,  gold  beads, clear quartz , honey quartz, and gold  plated beads and findings.  Yes, it's hard to give it away when they come out so well.  That's what cameras are for.

Well we are sure getting dumped on that's for sure. They weren't kidding about the 30 cm.  Today I didn't feel like normal exercise cause I know I'll have to shovel tonight with Hubby so I danced for 30 minutes just doing whatever felt good.  I was sweating like a horse by the time I was finished so I'm guessing I burned some calories.  Having supper then going out to shovel, shovel, shovel.  Tired already.

Here's another homemade soup I made up with what I had in my pantry and fridge.  

http://caloriecount.about.com/carol-hamburger-soup-recipe-r2 94878

  Fat - 19.5% (34 grams)
Protein - 28.8% (111 grams)
Carbohydrates - 51.7% (199 grams)
Alcohol - 0%
Other - 0%

Daily Sodium Intake - 686 mg
Daily Sugar Intake - 48 grams
Daily Cholesterol Intake - 634 mg
Daily Saturated Fat Intake - 11 grams
Daily Fiber Intake - 26 grams
Nutrition Grade A

Humidity: 68% Wind: 9.0 mph from the WNW Visibility: 10.0 miles Dew Point: -10 °F Precipitation: 10% Chance of Rain Pressure: 29.87 in UV: 1

This has been a bad last half of the year 2009 and I'd like to say to you all, I am sorry for not being the type of friend I feel I should have been.  Just know I am dealing with alot of various issues and the ones listed in the next two paragraphs have me in a really depressed mood.  So I probably will be posting less often.  I'll do my best to read your posts, but probably won't comment.  I think my comments might focus too much on what is going on with our family.

Right now I am so so overwhelmed with the diagnosis of both of my pets, then secondardy is the cost.  First Beauty has an ulcer in her cornea.  It is healing but leaving holes that need to fill in.  So to help in that they put in a human contact. Imagine that!  The cost of her bill yesterday was 117.00 and add that to the 202 dollars I already have on account then you come with 320 almost. It is going to take me forever to pay this off at 25 dollars a month.

Then Sandys visit went in the wrong direction also today.  She had to have an x-ray on her paw to show the joint.  It is swollen and she favors it so the treatment for that is an antiinflammatory and antibiotic.  The most probable cause is a tumor, whether benign or not.  Tentatively surgery will be next Friday, but for now we are going to see how this antibiotic treatment will aid in the healing process. Her visit today was 176 and surgery to be up to 400. dollars if they don't clean her teeth while she is alseep and remove this awful wart near her eye.

My blood sugars have been all over the chart today. We will see what happens.  I just need this stress to leave.

Take care all and God Bless. . . . .

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas.  May your days be filled with health, happiness and financial security.

Do not let her go to lunch before you again. You will get so hungry and moody you might do something like drive to Taco bell, and get a cheesy gordita crunch (F) and a super chicken quesadilla.

The good news is you are only at 1800 and something for the day, so all is not lost, save your chance of getting an A or A- for the day.