dkiesser's Journal

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder

Nov 14 2009 11:21

***Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.
--Lance Armstrong

Over the years I have suspected that I may suffer from PMDD, but this week I have realized that I,without a doubt, do.

It is very challenging and it last for only about a week, but it is the toughest week of each month. I become severely depressed to the point of contemplating suicide, homicide or both. I feel like everyone is ridiculing me and that no one can be trusted. I hate everyone. Somedays I am able to push back the tears and other days I have to do things as they continue to flow.

Then there are the physical symptoms: I feel so tired that my eyelids sting and my muscles ache. My stomach cramps and I often suffer long bouts of overwhelming nausea which leaves me bed-bound. I am cold to the point that it causes insanity even if the temp is high. Then there is the hunger. I have to watch the eating so carefully because, if allowed, I feel that could eat everything in the house.

When I finally do start my menses it is still tough, but the consequences are just as bad. I bleed real hard. I usually don't go anywhere and everyone is on high alert-- I get first priority in the restroom (I thank my dear, sweet, Lord that this only last 2 days). And lastly, the bloating on the first 2 days is horrendeous. It feels like I ate an entire salt lick for lunch and are now suffering the results of that action.

So, that aside. As you know, this all reeks havoc on my change-of-life-style. To say that I have a lack of motivation is a great understatement.

But here is the upside: I know what is happening. The fact that I am not oblivious to what is going on is fantastic. Now I can fight it. I did have some non-optimal days, but I am back on track. Granted, it is much harder than I think anyone would wish, but I am a fighter.I figure that if I can do this in a time that seems impossible, then I can do it anytime.

To combat this situation I have decided to keep pushing forward. I am keeping track of my food intake more diligently, focusing on reading running books and yesterday I went for a 20 min run (more like a slow drag) even though it was cold and rainy. My back had dull ache, my legs burned, my breathing more labored,and I was slower than normal--but I kept going. I have to say that I wasn't happy about it, but what is 20-30 minutes of discomfort for a lifetime of contentment?

I have vowed to not give up on myself. I will be everything I dreamed I would be.

Thanks for reading!

**No Retreat. No Surrender. Fight like you have nothing to lose.

If you need inspiration here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flRvsO8m_KI

Change of Heart/Random Thoughts

Nov 09 2009 08:42

Change of Heart--

This morning my tween was doing the typical word games that children his age do. You know the thing where you take something you have heard and change it on end to make it funny (Anna bo banna fee fi foe fanna). Well today's game derived from this adage: "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."Of course, I promptly asked him what happens if the doctor eats and apple--he said, "Oh, he takes the day off." This went on for a short while and then he said something that struck me profoundly. He said, " A heart implant everyday keeps the hospital away." Now I know what you're initially thinking: silly boy. But then it hit me.

Where is my heart? If everyday I change my heart, I have a better chance of success. I woke up this morning thinking: "Another day of this. I just don't know how motivated I am to keep doing this." But if I implant my heart with the belief that it is indeed worth it, then I will be motivated to continue. God has blessed me with a strong determined heart, but some days I like to put it on a shelf thinking that if I ignore it, then things will fix themselves. Everyday I have to wake up knowing that this is the day that I change my heart, my soul, and my life.

Random Thoughts--

I have dreams inside me that seem so far away. A 5k in the next couple of months, then maybe a 1/2 marathon, and a marathon in October 2010. After that a triathlon and eventually, the Holy Grail--The Ironman. I am close to reaching the 5k, but it is a testament to my will. 11 months ago I couldn't even run 30 seconds without being winded, but now, I am close. I should be running 3 miles straight before Christmas and in good time. The last month and 1/2 I have been really pushing and it is paying off.

About 4 years ago I weighed 308lbs (5'4") and have lost some weight each year and now I weigh in the 230's. I have been struck in this zone for approx. 5-6 months and although I am not losing any weight per se, I have gained much health and happiness. I can tell that I am on the edge of a miraculous break-through not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. This helps to keep me going.

I have kind of adopted the fact that whining gets me nowhere and 3 things stick in my head: 1) when it comes to making excuses to not exercise--make them and then go do it, 2) my body doesn't care how creamy the pudding is, it only wants nutrients, 3) little things count.

***Think without limits and be the change that you want to see.

p.s. Watched Saint Ralph this week on Netflix. It was inspirational.

Out With the Old and in With the New

Nov 03 2009 22:16

I went though my clothes tonight and am getting rid of many of them. Some are now too big for me and the others are clothes that I have been hanging onto in the hopes that I would get into them eventually.

I realized that I have to make my old "small" clothes into my new "big" clothes. I can't hang onto the other items "just in case" I start getting bigger again. I have to be done with them. Therefore, as of tomorrow they are gone.

Now the too small articles that I am getting rid of... well I don't like them and should have never held onto them. I guess because I was so large I just "settled" for whatever I could get. If it fit, then I bought it (or accepted as a gift). Style was never an issue. But I was thinking today and came to the realization that if I earn the privilege to wear a smaller size, then I am going to pick out what I like. No more settling.

Hurts So Good

Nov 02 2009 16:41

I haven't lost any weight in sometime, but I am not worried. The weight will come off when it is time to do so. I am in week 4 of a 9 week c25k program and the results are astounding. More than anything the routine has given me the mental clarity needed to move forward with my life. I have found a renewed spirit.

To put it plainly--beginning to run again hurts. Sometimes my lungs gasp for air and the inferno in my legs reminds me that I am anything but invincible. Yet, I push through, one-step-at-a-time, telling myself that I can only be defeated if I quit. I can slow down. I can curse. I can cry. But under no circumstance can I ever quit.

I have come to this realization: The pain that feel in a 20-30 minute workout is nothing compared to the pain and despair that I have felt being severely overweight. At least the pain goes away when I am done and I am left feeling more enriched than I did when I started. But the pain of obesity sticks to me like a scratchy,wet, cold blanket. It depresses my soul and makes me feel lazy, ugly and helpless. The pain I feel exercising leaves me feeling alive. It keeps me motivated, focused and empowered.

I have more on this and will add it later when the time is more appropriate for me.

Gastric Bypass is Stupid.

Oct 21 2009 20:18

It makes me crazy: Gastric Bypass (also Lap bands or other same type methods). Are these people serious??? I mean think about it.

First, you have to lose weight in order to show that you can adhere to the strict diet and exercise required for the treatment--Okay, so you know how to lose weight and you have proficiently demonstrated this skill, so let's carve into your organs.

Second, has anyone thought: Gee, if I just follow the Bypass diet I could lose weight rapidly, without major organ damage...hmmm...

Third, Gastric Bypass does nothing for the psychological factors. A person can have the bypass and still gain weight. Many people are overweight because use food as a numbing agent.

It just drives me crazy. There is absolutely nothing a bypass can do that an individual can't do on their own.

Senseless medicine. Mindless society.

**If you thought of getting Gastric Bypass (as I have), I am not attacking you, but the medical foundations that present the pricey and dangerous surgery as a panacea for obesity.

Mish-Mash of Thoughts.

Oct 21 2009 12:21

Week 2, Day 2 of my C25K (there are 3 days per week). I ran in the rain today and got soaking wet. It made me feel proud--I was dedicated and didn't use the weather as an excuse.

I realized today that getting up and exercising is no big deal. It impacts my time much less than I initially thought. In contrast, it helps me be more productive during the day. Post exercise I am more alert and energetic and have an all-over distinct sense of positive self.

I still struggle with my eating, but I find myself increasingly annoyed with food and drink commericials/ ads/slogans. They clearly use strong psychological tactics to entice, but if they are accused of this, they back--peddle and blame the consumer.

Sometimes, I feel like a lamb being lead to the slaughter. Especially, when the foods permeate the air. However, as I move forward in this journey, I realize that many of the foods I used to "love" really don't satisfy me. For instance, the taste of cheese. Cheap cheese is extremely greasy and gross and lacks true taste.

I feel alone in this journey and sometimes it is hard to remain strong and push back on those forces that seek to oppress me, but I refuse to give up. The harder they push--the more I stand my ground. This is my life and I will climb over, or tear down every brick wall in my path to get to where I need to be.

I will be the change that I desire.

I will be Unstoppable.

Stepping Back to Move Forward

Oct 15 2009 18:26

So I have been off of CC for almost 2 months now and I am doing well. I did gain some weight, but I have really struggled to stay in the 230's and for the most part have been very successful. The time off of CC gave me a much needed retrospect.

What I have learned is that I definitly can do this. However, it is less eventful than I originally made it.

I'm in Control.

Aug 28 2009 11:38

As I sat down this morning and began to eat my 200 calorie hot pastrami and Swiss sandwich (yes, I said 200 calorie), this thought came to mind: I am in control. No one else, but me. I can eat and exercise how and whenever I want and still lose the weight.

Too many people push themselves to the brink of insanity with this commonly accepted "hurry-up and lose" mentality. However, when you have as much as I do to lose there is no "quick" way to shed the pounds. It is a marathon and sometimes I feel as though the race has begun, meanwhile, I am still tying my shoes. If I were to focus on fast results, I would have given up already, because I can't run that fast.

I guess the point here is that I don't kill myself trying to lose. I focus more on my mental state. What is it that I truly want? Sure, to look good in clothes would be nice, but the fact that I don't have to hold my breath when tying my shoe is more satisfactory. But then there are the things that I can do now that I couldn't before and it brings me to tears. There is an indistinguishable joy that overwhelms me. It is as though I was dead and by some unforseen reason was touched by the hand of God and brought back to live some more-than- glorious life. I have been truly blessed. God gave me the will to fight all that binds me.

Thanks for stopping by. dk

An inspirational song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUg9qE_KjLg

**Here is a little interesting tidbit about my fat experience. Several years ago I went to apply to be a bone marrow donor. I was told that I weighed too much. It hurt me tremendously to think that I was too fat to save a life. However, today that is no longer an issue.

Pushing Back Dreams

Aug 20 2009 09:22

What I want and what I need-to-do hardly ever coincide with one another, and since I am a very dutiful person I tend to be bound by practicality rather than frivolity. There have been so many things that I have wanted to do, but because I am a mother, wife, daughter and friend I find that I am always pushing back my dreams--no matter how small they may be. I can’t stand to put my desires over others. I become guilt ridden anytime I do something that I feel is “selfish” and because of this I have found that I have become depressed. Somewhere down-the-line I began to depend on food for more than sustenance in order to cope with my emotional grief.

For so many years I have been living, but there have been few times I have been fully alive. Most of the time I walk around as if I were in a black and white day dream—seeing all that goes on around me, but never really seeing, hearing, touching, smelling or tasting the vibrant colors that inhabit my life. It is like having a moment where you know someone or something has touched you, and you know this because you clearly felt touched. However, what you don’t know is what the touch felt like. Was it soft or hard? Did it tingle or tickle? Did it poke or glide? You don’t know the specifics, you just know it happened.

One hundred thirty-two days ago I decided that I would no longer watch others live my life. I was no longer going to live by the silent code of guilt-ridden shame. I decided that I would no longer cry for what was or could-have-been. That day I decided that I would finally stop pushing back my dreams--and pursue them. No one is going to suffer because I became a more diverse, happier, and healthier individual. If anything, my joy will penetrate their lives, showing them that anything truly is possible.

Live your dreams. Live your life. Be the exception.

Where am I?

Aug 12 2009 09:55

Some of you may have been wondering what I have been up to (and some of you haven't). Anyway, things have been challenging, but as you might have expected I have come out on the winning side.

In my last blog I spoke of defining moments. Well, I had one--a big long cathartic one.

It started on July 27, 2009; I had a serious and dangerous relapse. I will admit publicly for the first time that I am a binge eater/bulimic. As you know neither is good to have.

I was upset because a few days after breaking a several month plateau I gained 9lbs in 2 days.This was due to my menses and the sudden 100+ degree weather (which definitely did not help). Now normally I am logical and optimistic, but when I am having TTOTM I am lucky to stay out of jail. Add extreme heat to that and I am a walking weapon of mass self-destruction.

So I began to feel sorry for myself. You know, the whole "I-am-a-victim-of-circumstance" thing. I began to eat worse and exercise less; all the stuff that got me to the place where I don't want to be in the first place. Well, this went on for several days and then I said screw it.

Needless to say, this caused me to do some serious introspection. I hear a lot of people say that they are going to "quit" and I thought "quit what?" Quit trying to have a healthier, and happier life? If so, I am never "quitting". There are so many things I want to do and I can't do them in this body.

During my relapse I gained back about 4lbs and I felt so distraught because of it. Between the overeating and the vomitting (only once) I felt like hypocrite and a failure. The good news is that for the first time, I learned from this.

I truly understand that what I was is not who I am. This time the change is permenent. I may make mistakes, but everyday I have the option to be better than the day before.

So, what happened to the 4lbs? Gone, plus I lost another .5 of a lb (Hey, that is huge when your in plateau mode!). I refused to fall in the weight gain trap. You know, the one where you say: "Oh it is just 1 pound or 2, 3, 4, 5..." and "I will do something about it tomorrow...", but then you never do.

So, to sum up my experience:

What I felt during the relapse:

Anger
Loss of control
Hypocritical
Useless
Like a loser
Hopeless
Fat
Worthless
Depressed
Alone

What I learned:

It is never too late to return to healthy habits.
What I have gained is more than what I have lost.
I don't deserve to be unhealthy or fat--no one does.
The only thing I can control is how I react and behave toward stimuli.
I am capable of succeeding regardless of what I may feel (don't let emotions control me).
The continued idea that "every effort is a good and worthy effort".

Now I am doing very well....well maybe! My roof has started to leak profusely and I have to cut this short!!!

Thanks all and sorry if there are any typos or errors.