elfpower's Journal

Stressful

Oct 21 2009 16:00

Talking to people is so, so stressful. Even when I do manage to carry on relatively decent conversations with people, as soon as we've parted ways I spend the rest of the night going over what I said and how moronic it was. I get so obsessive about it and I can't calm down and then I just get annoyed with myself. I'm always so surprised when people talk to me, and then I get really excited because I think they might turn out to be a friend, and then my brain turns to mush. I just don't function properly. I want to act normally and talk so I just say whatever pops into my head, even if I'm not at all interested in what I'm saying or asking. I just want to say something, and not stare off into space looking bored and boring the person who's trying to talk to me, which was what I used to do. I have very bad habits that I'm trying very hard to break right now, so I'm just kind of in this awkward period I guess. Hopefully with practice it won't be so stressful, and I'll feel good about talking to people instead of worried that I said the wrong thing.

Under-eating

Oct 03 2009 16:25

I've been under-eating quite a bit lately, but not entirely by choice. Today I'm at 590 calories and I can't eat any more. I'm on a very strict budget because my idiot bank forgot that I would be studying in Wales this year (even though I told them in advance) so I can't withdraw money, and therefore only have a very limited supply of food to last me through the weekend. I've been eating 3-4 meals a day, but when I went grocery shopping I just bought really low-cal foods like miso soup, corn flakes, green beans, and apples, and that's basically all I have. I'm hungry, and I was going to go down stairs to the communal kitchen for a bowl of cereal but my roommates are playing some drinking game, and I'm really nervous about going down there, getting food, and then just leaving. I really don't want to take part in the game. I'm not exactly straight-edge or anything, I just find them kind of boring and I don't want to be stuck down there. I say boring, but I also mean intimidating. I'm being painfully shy again. Howard Hughes-ing it, you might say. I want to go to bed but it's only 9:30. I'm not doing very well at nights. During the day it's great because there are places to explore and I can go alone and it's fine. At night, though, it's cold outside and you have to walk everywhere with a buddy, which I currently don't have. I'm worried I'm cutting myself off from human contact because I'm scared, but then I think, no, I just don't want to play some stupid drinking game, but then I think, am I just telling myself that because I'm to scared to play the drinking game? and on and on. And I have friends back home, but they aren't the kind of friends you tell these things to and I don't want to talk to my parents about it because they're stressed enough as it is so...I guess I'm on my own. I think once classes start it'll be easier, because I'll be able to meet more people than just my roommates and hopefully make some friends. Plus, when classes start, so do the clubs, and I've joined a few. It'll get better, I know. It's just that it's saturday night, I'm in a foreign country, and I'm sitting in my room, in my pjs, listening to Nick Drake. I can't help but worry that I'm doing this wrong, because I have before. I had a meltdown last year when I first started college and was finding it impossible to meet friends. Maybe I'm just homesick. And I'm hungry, which isn't helping. I'll get up early in the morning and have my breakfast while the roommates lie in bed nursing their hangovers. And once I meet people that I'm a little more comfortable with, I'll experiment a little more with partying, I think. What if I don't meet anybody? I have this habit of nit-picking things about people to give myself convenient excuses for not socializing. Which, if I'm totally honest, is probably what I did to a lot of my roommates. Probably even more so than I realize. I kinda feel pressured to want to party, and it makes it hard to decide if I really want to but I'm scared to or if I only think I want to because I watched one too many episodes of Skins or if I really don't want to at all and I'm just in a weird mood. I'm feeling really homesick. I've never been this far from home, without my parents. I feel really lame for saying that, but it is really hard. Talking to them on the phone only makes it worse. I should probably stop analyzing my every thought like this because it's not doing me any favors, I'm just getting more worked up.

Fasting

Aug 28 2009 11:24

I decided to go on a fast yesterday after reading in the Washington Post that the occasional fast can be good for you. I mostly just did it out of curiosity. I wanted to know if I had the willpower to go 24 hours without eating, which I did and I was really rather proud of myself. That is, until I woke up at 4 am with a horrible feeling in my gut. I thought since it had been more than 24 hours I should probably break my fast. I went to the kitchen and ate exactly 2 bites of a banana before the pain in my stomach was so bad that I collapsed to the floor. After a few minutes I dragged myself to the couch to lie down. Within an hour I had vomited up the banana. I then went back to the couch, still feeling awful, and fell asleep. I'm still feeling a bit weak, though I have ate some cream of wheat and I've mostly been relaxing. I don't know why it affected me so badly. It was just 24 hours and I did stay hydrated. I didn't do anything stressful, actually I had a massage at 6:30, sort of a reward. I don't think I'll be trying this again anytime soon.

Cream Puff

Aug 22 2009 17:43

My parents called to tell me that since they went to a German restaurant today, they are bringing me a cream puff. I'm not so thrilled, but at the same time it sounds good, so this is me making a written promise to myself to eat half tonight and the other half tomorrow. That way I don't have a gigantic sugar rush right before bed and I'll feel good about myself because I'll have exercised self control.

mmm cookies

Apr 29 2009 15:04

My dad sent me a tin of yummy cookies and my goal is to only eat one a day. I think I can do it. I know I can do it. I already had my cookie today and I don't actually want anymore right now, which is so nice because I feel in control. I just love love love that. Plus, it helps that I'm having ice cream for dinner tonight. Blame my art class, not me. It was their idea. And since I plan on partaking, I'm just going to make that my dinner. I'm almost out of meal plan points so I need to save them anyway. Don't wanna go to class. Only have the rest of the week and then 3 exams and I am outtahere. Cannot wait. Sleepy. His Girl Friday is an awesome movie. So not fair that Carey Grant is dead, and that he was gay. Would totally marry him. Why I am not using personal pronouns?

I need more sleep.

Pride -- It's a Beautiful Thing

Mar 25 2009 08:03

Yesterday I did something that made me extremely proud of myself. I had half a donut and stopped. I didn't feel the need to reach for more. I just had a little bit, I left the room, and spent the rest of the night thinking what a smart, in control person I was, and it felt great. I can resist binge eating and it's made me so happy. Today I had a really great workout because I was in such a good mood I basically kicked the elliptical's ass, instead of it kicking mine. I'm very pleased with myself.

Need to Whine

Mar 21 2009 18:30

I'm at flipping bowling green's dance marathon, filming this ludicrous event. it's for a good cause, but who was the brain dead sadistic moron who thought of how we raise the money? 32 hours?! of listening to such gems as "womanizer" and that peanut-butter jelly time song?! and what makes it worse is that I did this to myself. I volunteered. stupid. I have another 23 1/2 hours and I just want to die. WHYYYYY?!

Going Vegan

Feb 21 2009 22:40

Ok, so I've been thinking about it for a while now and I've finally decided I really want to go full blown vegan. I think I can handle it and I really want to do it, both for animals and what not and to be healthier. I'm starting tomorrow for sure. I mostly am vegan as it is, it's just the occasional yogurt or something like that, and I prefer soy milk to regular. It's a bit tricky since I'm eating at a dining hall with truly pathetic choices for vegetarians, but that's ok. The vegetarian choices are so oily and cheesy I don't want to eat them anyway. There's veggie wraps everyday (except weekends), so I can mostly exist on those and salads and veggie soup. Plus there's always fruit. Rambling a bit while I try to plan what to eat tomorrow. I've actually been half-heartedly trying for the past week or so, but I'm starting for certain tomorrow. I'm going to be super healthy, vegan girl, and I'm quite pleased with the idea.

Size 6!

Feb 01 2009 19:59

I've officially gone from a size 8 to a size 6. Yay me!