elmfraser's Journal

OK, so for this week I am not counting calories at all, to see what happens. I was obsessing way too much and, given that I'm at maintenance now, I'm trying to just chill out about it. I eat when I'm hungry, I stop when I'm not, I try to make healthy choices and I allow myself one treat every day or two.

Of course, I'm worried that it's all going to backfire on me and I'll blow up like a balloon, but if it does, I'll take it off again, and that will be that. I'm finding myself much more relaxed since I stopped worrying so much about it, though. I do still kind of count in my head (force of habit!) but I'm starting to think more in terms of "reasonable serving sizes" and less in terms of calories per se.

I also wonder if maybe I have a high metabolism, so it might be that my maintenance cals are a little higher than 1700. I have always been slight, and living in residence I ate the world's WORST diet and gained seven pounds over the course of eight months. I basically ate eggs and cereal for breakfast, sometimes tater tots too, salad for lunch when I was feeling virtuous and caferteria food, which is 50% fat and 50% sugar the rest of the time, usually fries with either, and then cafeteria food for dinner and one or two cafeteria-sized desserts, sometimes one with lunch as well. Plus I snacked late at night on really unhealthy stuff like chips and on high-calorie stuff like peanut butter because caf food doesn't keep you full for long. Every day. I must have been eating over 2000 calories per day, and I definitely fell short of the Freshman 15. I didn't exercise at all, either. So I'm hoping that I may just have a high calorie requirement, which would explain why I'm still pretty hungry a lot of the time, even though I'm eating at maintenance, and also why I've eaten like crazy my entire life and stayed relatively slender for most of it. So I'm trying this experiment and if I start to gain, I'll start to count again but neurotic as I am, I shouldn't be doing it if I don't have to.

This is me relaxing. I am relaxed. If I keep saying that, it will happen soon, right?

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70 days. S-word. I am sick of this, so sick of this. The doctors can't find anything wrong with me. Argh!

I'm going to bed.

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S-word. 66 days. I am sick of this.

I can't seem to eat enough, either! I always seem to have a deficit, even though I'm eating more than I used to. Well, I could get enough calories if I just ate things that were really high-fat and bad for me, but I can't seem to get enough halthy calories, in a good protein/carb/fat ratio. I'm also afraid the hematologist is going to tell me that it's vegetarianism that's causing this stuff and I'll have to start eating meat again. Eep.

I am hungry and tired and can't think of anything good to eat so, although I -still- have a deficit today because I ran for 25 mins. Oy vey. Dishes then bed.

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Soooo, I haven't had my period in 62 days. In eight more days I will have been through two average cycles for me. I have an appointment with the hematologist tomorrow about my ridiculously high platelet count (it's about 3x the normal count, but it's pretty much always been that high) and maybe he can tell me what the hell is wrong with me otherwise. Besides the amenorrhea, I'm tired all the time, I get out of breath easily--I just feel like I can never get quite enough air. Lately I've also been having some nausea. I'm thinking maybe I'm anaemic? I seem to be getting enough iron, though--I've been watching it. I eat tons of leafy greens, and iron-rich foods like beans and TVP, not to mention oatmeal every morning. Plus I take a multivitamin with iron. Maybe it's B12 anaemia? Either way, I'm sure he can tell me on Wednesday. Until then I just have to keep on keepin' on. I hate feeling weak and exhausted all the time, though. I want to be strong and healthy!

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I am STARVING today! It's so strange--when I was eating 1200 calories per day, after the first few weeks I was completely satisfied with that, and when I started doing maintenance I was like, "there's no WAY I can eat 1700 calories per day!" but now here I am at 1633 and starving. I was a little bit low on protein today, but not so's you'd notice, so I don't know what the deal is, but I've been really hungry all day. Maybe it's because they took eight vials of my blood today? Could that be it?

Either way, it sucks.

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...of hair! Haircut day! Woo!

I should take a picture of the new hair, for posterity, because lazy as I am, it will be another 6 months before I get it cut again. I was looking SHAGGY.

In other news, I woke up at 6:30 this morning to go running. I never, EVER thought I would actually do that. It was a long, hard slog, but I logged my 20-minute jog somehow. I can't believe it.

It's hard to get my calories up to maintenance level, though. So far I have only eaten 668 today, and it's 3:45 pm! Balls! The problem is that I'm so used to eating the smaller amounts, so I don't WANT more, and, on top of that, food is expensive and I am flat broke. Pretty much all I have in the house is low-cal, too, but tonight I think I'm gonna go nuts and use the leftover taco "meat" from my taco salad yesterday to make NACHOS! With a moderate amount of low-fat cheese and plenty of veggies, of course, but with REAL nacho chips. Yes. That's right. I'm goin' crazy. For right now, though, I'm going to grab some carrots and maybe a little bit of cheese. Gotta get that protein and fibre up!

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The demons seem to have left, the fridge is now back to its old (so VERY old) self, and I have realised that I have to go grocery shopping YET AGAIN!

The problem with the maintenance diet? I have to buy more food.

Getting up at 6:30 tomorrow a.m. to go running--I never thought I'd see the day.

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So, as of this morning, here are my measurements:

Bust: 30.75" (Oh, boobs, where did you go?)
Underbust: 28.25"
Waist: 25"
Stomach: 26"
Hips: 35"
Thigh: 19"
Calf: 12"

May 14 measurements:

Bust: 33.5" (I miss you, boobies!)
Underbust: 29"
Waist: 26"
Stomach: 27"
Hips: 36"
Thigh: 20"
Calf: 13"

Total inches lost: 8.5! Not a huge number compared to the people who are in this for the long haul, for whom I have a TON of respect, but I feel pretty good about it.

So my fridge is possessed by demons. It has suddenly decided to become so freakishly cold as to FREEZE all my food, and the warmer I make it, the more frozen food I have, for some reason. I think I have to tweak the freezer temperature or something. So I have eaten like zero vegetables today because they are all gross from having been frozen unexpectedly. More grocery shopping needed tomorrow, I guess.

In other news, today I ran for 20 minutes straight for the first time since the fifth grade. YES.

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As of today, I am wearing my smallest pair of pants. That's right. I'm in my thin pants. They're a tad tight around the thighs, but who cares? I'm wearin' em! This means that I am OFFICIALLY AT MAINTENANCE! I have no more weight to lose! Now I focus on just eating healthy, getting lots of exercise, and being as happy as I can be! Haha "just."

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It has now been 37 days since my last period. I feel gross. It MUST be coming soon. I can definitely feel myself bloating, and I can SEE myself bloating as well. It's true what they say: the waiting is the hardest part. I want to measure myself again, but I know I won't get an accurate readout because I'm all PMS-y. Ick. I understand why FTMs call it "estrogen poisoning."

Yesterday I went out with everyone at Murphy's on the industry cruise. YES, I had cake for Matt's birthday, YES I had some drinks (YES, I smoked...eek...) but my total caloric intake for the day was just over 1500! Since I walked around a LOT yesterday, I still had a caloric deficit of 400-some calories! Thus proving that I can have my cake and have weight loss, too! Once in awhile, anyway.

I'm rapidly approaching the point where I'm going to switch over to maintenance, but I'm really worried that I'm going to put it all back on. I'm looking forward to eating rice crisps again, but I can't get that nagging worry out of my head. Oh, well. We'll see.

Today I had a day off, and basically lounged around and did nothing. So nice to have some time just for me after going back to visit Mum and Dad and then having Gammy here visiting me...nice, but high-stress. A day of nothing but me time was exactly what I needed. I'm not going to Chris's dinner tonight...I love him to death but I just really don't want to be around anyone but myself tonight.

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