feddiechick's Journal

So, this past year has been crazy. Money was really hard this summer, which made me stressed, and when I stress out, I eat.

Also, I lost my job, and had to find a new one, which took time.

And then people just kept... dying.

I know it's just an excuse, all these reasons why I didn't eat right, why I didn't exercise, why I gained back all the weight I lost (and then some) but if anything, it shows me what type of person I am. It shows me how I can be weak, indulging, and impulsive.

It shows me that I need to be stronger.

So, a new year, and I'm working hard. I've done it before, I can do it again. Also, I think I've been showing signs for pre-diabetes, and I just don't want to do that to myself. For one, I just couldn't afford medical bills, and also, type two diabetes is often a curable, not to mention preventable, condition, and if I can take steps to be healthier, I just need to do them.

Plus, I'd like my pants to fit well again.

So, here's to a new year, and a new, healthier, stronger me. I'll work hard (getting a second job!) and tackle my weight issues, and my stress issues, because these things are just part of being human, but one of the best things about being human is free will, action, and choice, and I chose to not let these things get me this far down ever again.

Here's to hopeing!

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     "Don't worry, your body probably won't register it as pain. It's more like a sharp, concentrated feeling. This is the sexy part right now, the preparation. Your heart's pounding. You're about to turn your will over to me.

     My piercings are about evolving multiple definitions of myself as a woman, as a lesbian. These metal bars break open the way for me to be complicated. No one is going to tell me who the fuck I am.

     Listen, when people see your pierced belly, they'll be disgusted or excited, but I promise you, either way they're gonna take your stomach seriously."

~Eve Ensler, the Good Body, p 40-41

I think I need to start taking my stomach seriously. My fat pants are tight again. Bleh! and my bras aren't fitting right. I just need to do it! The first week is always the hardest for, but I just can't make it past the first day of the first week!

I've been uber stressed lately, worried about money and work, some writing projects... my best friend died, and my grandma is dying. It's just easy to lose myself in my indulgences of food or sitting at home. Thank goodness for my husband. He gets more excited about taking walks with me than about sex, so at least that keeps me moving! (not sex. walking.)

He's been doing these arm exercises and stuff, and I'm really proud of him. He sticks with it, for the most part, and his arms are getting really toned. In just a month, I've noticed a huge difference. It's really hot. I'll bump into him or touch him and feel his muscles bulging underneath and it surprises me. I'm really proud of him.

Now I just need to be proud of me.

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     "After I pierced my tits they became much more alive. I just have to wiggle the steel bar and my nipples just pop up. We're going to wake up your belly today, give her a second life.

     "I had my nipples pierced by a big hairy bearded lesbian. It was really hot. I kind of knew she was getting off to the power, with hurting me. Made it sexy. It was completley erotic. I gave her total control. Are you ready to start?"

~Eve Ensler, the Good Body, p 40

I had my nipples pierced a few years ago. It was because a boy made me feel fat and unsexy. I needed to do something wild to make me feel attractive and maybe just a bit naughty.

It really hurt, and I wouldn't do it again. I'm glad I did it, though. It was like my dirty little secret. It made me feel like I had something other people didn't have. Sure, I was a bit chubby, but hey, my nipples were peirced so that's hot, right? Body mods for the less-than bod.

I'm glad they're not pierced anymore. They're just the perfect sensitivity, and I have a scandalous story to tell people about myself. "At one time I had a dozen piercings," and they look at me, count my ears and my nose, and you can see that moment when their mind begins to wander. I'm pretty prude, actually, and a little bit frumpy, but I had that and I still have the memory.

It wasn't erotic, though, not at all. It was desperate and painful. I think about how young and hopeful I was, how yearning and eager. It almost makes me feel sorry for me. We always want something better, something more beautiful. I was probably beautiful and naughty and sexy before the nipple rings, but that silly boy made me forget about all of that.

I hope one day I can love myself, and forget that K said I was "perfect, but-" and that one kid told me I had a fat nose, and some other person said I have shoulders like a linebacker, and don't have a feminine figure at all. Why do we remember these little insults, the two or three over the years, but never bring to mind those words of love and affection that are told to us on a daily basis?

My husband always says "you're a beautiful woman," in a tone of voice he doesn't use for anything or anyone else. I need to remember that.

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My friend and I have a little arrangement. For three months, we have to work out/walk/bike/etc at least five days out of the week. We have four (or is it three?) cheat days, for when we're on our Moon Time, sick, busy with work/school/etc. At the end of the three months we're going to buy one another cute t-shirts that we want but wouldn't buy ourselves. (I want the Communist Party t-shirt. It has Marx and Lenin and Co. at a "party" - beer and lamp shades and party favors. Get it? Communist.Part!)

So, for about two or so weeks (maybe it's been three. Damn... I hope she's counting because I'm not!) I've been doing really good. I've been walking to and from work some (most) nights, and the nights I don't have work I make my husband go on a walk with me. I'm averaging 1-3 miles a day, depending. Some of the walks are still hard on me, as I've gained back all the weight I've lost.

I really hate being at this weight. My body just doesn't feel comfortable. Anyway, the walks are getting a tiny bit easier, and it might be due in part by the fact that the weather is nicer so I don't sweat my balls off. Anyway, it's just nice to walk and be on a regular schedule. I'm trying to watch what I'm eating, too. So far not really counting calories again yet, but I'm trying to just start slow. Eat well and nicely, and then once I'm used to that, I'll start counting again.

I just have to tell myself - this is not a diet. These are life long healthy eating habits.

ps - cc plus confuses me.

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I can't figure out the new calorie count. I held off for so long on the old on because it was an easy to use system I knew how to navigate. Now I can't find anything!

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... and a healthy life.

So, yesterday was supposed to be my Day One, but I forgot that Monday is Beer Tasting Day, so I took a long walk and had lots of cookies. I'll do light belly dancing today, if I feel like it tonight, perhaps some Tai Chi. Most of all, I'm trying my best to eat in moderation and to count my calories. My goal is to say below 2,000. Gotta start somewhere, right? and for me, best to start slow and work my way up. At least I've been working out semi-regularly for the past few weeks. From there, it can only get better.

     "Listen, if you're too feminine, you're not really a dyke. Once you say you're a lesbian you have to have always been a lesbian and promise to be a lesbian forever. Can't really waver. Dykes won't trust you if they don't feel like you're in it for the long haul."

~Eve Ensler, the Good Body, p 40

Nothing to do with weight, but an interesting anomoly, none the less. What is it about the gay and lesbian community and their distrust of bisexuals? As a bi woman, I've always wondered this. I had a good friend tell me "oh, you're no bi, you're just open." His reason for this is because I'm married. My reason for calling myself bi is that I've slept with many more women then men, and I like it. I'm just touching the tip of identity politics here, but in the end, I'd really like to read some serious literature about bisexuality. I think historically, society has a LONG history of bisexuality, in our homes, political sphere, and even our religion. Kinsey claimed that everyone was more or less bi, on a scale from 1-7, with very few extremes. The question is, where do our natural urges and desires begin, and our conditioned societal trends end?


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There all around me, these signs that I need to get it in gear. I need to try harder - try again. I'm worried about people thinking I'm ugly, the women I watch are so beautiful and hot, my cute clothes don't fit, but I can't get rid of them, just signs and signs and signs. Steve says he wants to use this summer to get more fit. I want to, too.

Dana, continued
    I'm gonna start you off with a basic silver plug for your belly button. No, a semiprecious stud. That's hot for your age. See. You'll be back. You'll be piercing everything, it's addictive. Some people see my tits and are really disgusted. Some people are in awe. Some people get seriously turned on. I like it all. Come on, don't you want to see?

~Eve Ensler, the Good Body, p 40

I want to get my belly button pierced. Actually, I kind of think belly button piercings are slutty, but I like them. It's like the one piercing that everyone has (except for nose piercings are quickly becoming that way, too) The thing is, skinny girls have them. No matter how frumpy or boring or geeky or sorostitute or what ever - skinny girls of every Scene have belly button piercings.

I want one, too. I want one because maybe if I have one I'll finally be a skinny girl. The thing is, I'm not a skinny girl, and getting one while I'm fat scares me, and getting one when (if) I get skinny scares me, too, because I feel like I'm giving in, selling out.

So, I'm going to compromise. When I'm bellow 200, I'm getting it done. I can't wait. I have quite a ways to go, but I can totally do it. I won't be skinny, but I won't be fat, either. I'll just be me.




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Today I weight 229.4. Which isn't bad. I have been worried about stepping on the scale and it reading 247 or something like that. So, I'm a few pounds away from my lowest since this whole weight loss adventure, but I'm not that far from my highest water weight, either. As long as the scale reads below 230, I know I'm not failing (too much). But rather than not failing, I want to win win win!

(hah. okay. I know. Cheesy)

But, after some beers, green chili chicken and cheese encheladas, ice cream, cup cakes, nutella crepes... I think I'm ready to try again. This summer we've got to cut down on food costs - which means no extravagances and less eating out, as well as cut down on gas costs - which means walk anywhere and everywhere I can.

Go me!

I'm also trying to figure out goals for myself, too. I've been wanting to dye my hair red for forever (I've had the dye in my cabinet for months now) So I figure, why not put it off a little longer until I can reward myself with it? So, 225, I'm a redhead. I also want to get my belly button pierced eventually, and maybe a new tattoo... woot! My body is a temple!

So, I'm eating weight control oatmeal, which isn't really different from regular oatmeal, and tonight for dinner is left overs, and maybe while the husband is away I'll do some crunches or something, or take a long walk tonight.

Go me!

Speaking of body alteration...

Dana - An early-twenties body artist

    "Eve, there's something about metal in flesh. It's so visual. I don't know anyone who hasn't seen the steel bars in my nipples. Do you want to see, Eve? It might give you some ideas... about what you want. I like wearing a tight t-shirt, like today. People are like, 'Hey, what's going on in there?' Or when I'm at work doing the corporate thing, I'm the only one who knows. It's naughty. My nipples are in there whispering, 'I'm not the good girl like you think.'

~Eve Ensler, the Good Body, p 39

I totally know what this woman is talking about! I got my nipples pierced a few years ago. I had had my heart broken by a boy *sad* and was convinced it was over my looks. He said "Amanda, you're perfect but-" Wtf does "perfect but" even mean? (unless he really said 'Amanda, your perfect butt' - as if my butt was just too perfect for a mere mortal! lol) Anyway, if I was perfect, personality wise, it means my looks just weren't there. So I wanted a self esteem boost, and did the thing I always wanted to do - I got my nipples pierced.

And yes, everyone always got a look at them. I mean, once they're decorated up, why hide it? It's like my little present I get to share with the world (and I really think my breasts should be shared by all) And really, pierced nipples are a great way to get free drinks in Mexico. (=D!)

My pierced nipples really were my dirty little secret (the one all of my close friends knew about! lol) But going in for a job interview, sitting in church, going to school, stuff like that, it really made me feel like I had a hot secret that no one knew about, my little secret just for me, to make me feel hot. My body was beautiful, decorated, and I was a wild woman!

Sadly, I had to have them taken out, and I don't want to go through the pain (THE PAIN!) of having it done again, and also, risk having more scar tissue. *sigh* it was fun while it lasted, and like I said, a wonderful self esteem boost!

I'm totally getting my belly button pierced when I'm under 200. And my strange ideas on belly button piercings are a whole new story!


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I feel like I haven't been here in forever. So, I dropped the whole healthy thing and didn't gain any weight. I'm exactly the same as when I was counting calories and working out. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't work, because it does. It totally worked for me this past winter, but right now... I'm in such a slump! I need my motivation back. I've been struggling so much for this...

I'm not quite sure what to do. I know I want to lose weight and be healthy, or do I? I just don't know.


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    So, I’m thinking of turning this into a real article, though I’m not sure who I’d submit it to, or what angle I’d take on it. For now, though, this is just going to be a few (hah) thoughts and ramblings about how the food-industrial-complex keeps poor people unhealthy and rich people ricer.
    And yes, my disclaimer now – I am a socialist. I’m not trying to spread propaganda, though. Sometimes I buy (hah. Irony) a communist newspaper and blah! I feel like the articles are so silly. Propaganda is propaganda, even if it’s something I agree with. That said, I’m not trying to attack or call for a revolution or anything… or am I? (heheh) 


Inspired by Eve
    So, I’ve been reading The Good Body by Eve Ensler. I really love what she did with the Vagina Monologues – life changing! The Good Body isn’t quite as powerful, but I still feel as if there are some interesting and important points she makes about diet, health and body image. It’s painfully obvious that Eve Ensler is a rich white woman, though. She can travel the world and reflect on how women hate their bodies all over the globe. Oh! But all I have to do is go to the local night club/gym/grocery store/library/etc and I can see that. All I have to do is look at my friend’s myspaces pages and I can see that women all over the world hate themselves. How rich and bourgeoisie and entitled Eve Ensler is to afford the luxury of travel, and most of all, of traveling and writing. It would be nice for me to travel the world and write, but I just can’t afford to do that. I know she’s earned her way with activism and hard work, but sometimes reading her book I can’t help but just know that she and I are very different people with very different lifestyles and incomes.
    Okay. I’m not attacking Eve. I love Eve. She’s changed my life. But… the last exert I read and posted she talked about “good upper-middle class ice cream” verses “cheap” ice cream. She was only supposed to eat the “good upper-middle class ice cream” and would rebel by eating the cheap stuff, the stuff I grew up on (if I was lucky. It was usually store brand for me!) and even then, the “cheap” stuff made her sick. 


Good vs. Bad
    What is it about food that make sit “good”? I remember with envy growing up and going to my friend’s houses and seeing all of their Name!Brand!Food! Even now when I see a cabinet full of name brand, I think “oh, wow. How indulgent.” But is name brand, white middle class food better than the store brand? Are Borden's and Schrafft's really so much better than Good Humor? Does it mean anything that I’ve never heard of Borden's and Schrafft's but I have heard of Good Humor?
    What is Good Food, anyway? Is it name brand, is it whole, is it organic, or can it even be cheap and abundant? What is bad food? Too expensive, too cheap, too processed, to old, to new? These are just words we throw out, but do they even mean anything? While dieting, is Good Food the food that is low in calories but full of sodium and processed and quite pricey, or is it food that is whole and unprocessed, and probably just as expensive?


Cost and Availability (also, what poor people eat)
    - fresh produce


    Why is food so gawd-damned expensive? Especially fresh fruit and vegetables. In Texas and New Mexico, fruit was so cheap and affordable, even the good, exotic stuff! I remember my first summer in New Mexico, when my mom had less than $1,000 in her bank account to pay for bills and all of the things that having four daughters entails. We would by tomatoes by the bagful, dozens! And I would eat them like apples. We would by the defected tortillas because you could get about 50 of them for about a dollar, and there was nothing wrong with them only there were too big or too small or folded over on one edge, but still fresh and so tasty (yum!) A lot of our food also came from food banks, so what ever people had a surplus off and felt generous, or, really just wanted to get out of their cabinet, that’s what we ate. I had so many tortillas with peanut butter and bananas, I can’t eat them anymore. I can, however, eat ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese and hotdogs, though I have friends who can’t eat these because of having too much growing up.
    Okay. I go on a tangent. But anyway, fruits and veggies were pretty cheap in Texas and New Mexico. You know why? Because we were close to Mexico and California. Not only are these great places for growing things, but labor is cheap. I’m talking exploitation of illegal immigrants. The only reason why I had so many tasty tomatoes bigger than my fist that I could eat like an apple was because some poor kid, probably my age or younger, picked it for me for a penny in California. The only reason why, while in Texas, we’d by avocados by the dozen, was because some poor exploited farm worker picked them for me in Mexico, and then went home and ate rice because he couldn’t afford to by avocados.
    So, here in North Carolina, I go to the grocery store and I can by teeny tiny tomatoes, which are pretty expensive, and good, but not an explosion of flavor. I can’t find peaches. Ever. Strawberries taste funny. A huge percentage of my grocery bill goes to fruits and vegetables. I want to eat fresh, whole foods, but sometimes we just can’t afford them. I could by frozen veggies, but those are still a bit expensive, and just not as good for you, or as flavorful. No wonder people feed their kids chips when a bag of chips costs cheaper than a bag of apples! And lasts longer, too!
    The reason why vegetables cost so much here is because we are so much farther from the exploited field workers. They have to ship my tomatoes to me from across the country, and gas prices are so high these days because of rich money mongering oil company ceos…
    I like pasta. Regular cheap pasta is bad for you. It makes it more likely for you to gain weight around your midsection. Whole wheat/grain pasta is so much better for you, but it’s much more expensive. If I buy whole wheat pasta, it means I have less money to buy fresh tomatoes to make pasta sauce. It means I have to buy from a jar or can.
    No wonder America is fat!


     - Juice
    Kool-Aid and cheap kool-aid knockoffs are cheaper than 100% fruit juice. I like fruit juice. I have low blood sugar and it’s a good way for me to keep my head about me, especially in the mornings when I may not want to eat a full meal, or in between meals as a snack. But soda is so much cheaper! And readily available! If I go out to eat my options are tea or water, and I’m in the Deep South now so the tea is often sweet tea (blech). You can buy juice cocktail for pretty cheap, but that’s just as bad, if not worse, than soda. And I’m not just talking calories, but sodium, high fructose corn syrup, and just a general lack of vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients.
    I had a bladder infection last summer. We went to whole foods to get lunch and some juice. One little jar of juice was $8. Eight! I knew it wouldn’t last me for the hour, let alone help me feel better. We found a different grocery store and I got cranberry juice there, two huge jugs, for under $5. Sure, it probably wasn’t as pure and good for me as the organic stuff, but it helped my bladder infection and my wallet.     Good upper-middle class kids are eating organic carrots and drinking $10 bottles of juice, while cheap kids are eating store brand potato chips and drinking juice cocktail.


Super Size Me
    When I was an undergrad I saw a free showing of the movie Super Size Me. Yes, I still eat at fast food places, but I think about it now, and take it in moderation. And after-all, cutting something completely from your diet is as extreme as indulging in it completely, isn’t it? Or maybe I just think too much like the Greeks (meden agan - nothing in excess)
    Anyway, so, after the movie there was a discussion panel – nutritionists from the university, public health officials, etc. One guy stood up and explained how he was from a large, poor family, and how he grew up eating fast food because that’s all his family could afford, and how do poor people manage to eat well and healthy? The panel assured him that no, no, this isn’t true. It’s not cheaper to eat fast food than it is to cook your food fresh from home.
    Well, maybe. But maybe not. Think about a poor family with lots of kids, one parent. Hell, we’ll give this fake family two parents to improve their odds. Both parents working, or one taking care of the kids, or the kids in daycare. If you are working a low-income job, it probably means your hours aren’t the same hours while your kids are in school. It means you don’t see your kids often. It means you don’t have time for grocery shopping or cooking or cleaning or any of those “good parent” things. It means that maybe going to get fast food is fast and convenient. Time = money. If you can afford to have dinner with your family at a cheap, nearby fast food place, then maybe that’s how you can do family dinners. Not everyone can go grocery shopping, prepare the food, display the food, eat the food, and then clean up the food. Sometimes people don’t have a way to get to the grocery store, or back from the store, or maybe the store is only open during the hours while you’re working.
    So, in my opinion, it IS possible that fast food, fast cheap gross food, may be the only food that impoverished people have access to. Poverty isn’t just about money! It’s about time and availability and ability. Poor people may not have the skills to cook a good meal. Hell, they may not have the education to know what a good meal is.
    What a fucking, classist panel of speakers chosen to present this classist movie. How dare they tell this man that his experience growing up was “impossible.” They should have had dinner at my house – macaroni cheese and hot dogs aren’t much better for you than McDonald’s, and after adding milk and butter, probably not much cheaper!


Whole Foods, your local super market, and buying local
    Organic food is supposed to be so much better. Better for your body, for the environment, for the economic system… but not better for poor people. Hell, I’d love to buy organic all the time. Does it taste better? I don’t know. I can’t afford it! But it has this illusion of being better. What does better even mean? Are you a better, healthier person for buying organic, or do you just have more money to spend?
    Whole Foods freaks me out, because the people there put such little food in such little carts in such little portion sizes, and spend more than I do at the regular grocery store filling up my whole cart for my month’s worth of groceries. Also, the people at Whole Foods, if you’re not dressed right, look down on you. Hippie kids, true hippie kids, don’t shop there. They can’t afford it. They dumpster dive like my friend Red in Austin. They don’t buy the crap stuff, they steal the thrown away good stuff. My friend Red, eating from trash cans in Austin, eats better than I do because the stuff she eats is organic.
    I don’t even know what that means.
    I try to buy local. I like going to the farmer’s market. But it’s always white rich folks there, and I always feel slightly out of place. Poor people can’t get to the farmer’s market on a Saturday morning because poor people work on the weekends. Or maybe a Saturday morning is the only time they get to see their family and children. Or maybe they don’t have a car to drive themselves to the good part of town where they hold the farmer’s market.
    I want to buy local because it’s cheaper, fresher, and it supports the local economy. Buying local means you have to shop and eat in season. It’s just more… natural. But our current social system makes it hard to support the local-grocery system.
    Also… I can buy fresh herbs and veggies for cheap, but local milk and meat and cheese – WAY too expensive. Sure, fresh local chorizo sounds tasty! But sorry, I gotta pay my rent.


Corporations vs. Mom and Pop
    I work at a coffee shop. It’s independently owned by a local guy. The owner, Greg, is often in the store, working there himself. I get as much coffee as I want, and other goodies, and he has a crepe iron so sometimes I sneak making myself a crepe. The problem with this is that Greg doesn’t take home much money. He has a crap load of cost and expenses and taxes. Sure, the coffee shop is upscale, free-trade organic goodness, high quality everything, local owned and operated, hell, even our milk comes from a local, organic dairy.
    The thing is, it costs Greg so much to run an ethical business, that he can’t earn any money. He gets made when we drink smoothies because the 100% fruit mix is expensive. Food costs are high, and I’m trying to save money. I try to eat at work as often as I can… but me eating at work means less profit for Greg, but Greg can’t afford to pay me more so I don’t have to eat at work. But Greg is lax, because he’s doing this on his own and he doesn’t want to upset his employees. Sure, we take advantage of him, but that’s just the way it is.
    Now, take Fridays, down the street. They get a discount on food, get paid less because they’re waiters and waitresses and tips are considered part of their pay, not extra. Fridays, a huge cooperation, does not buy organic or local or free trade. They make huge amounts of money. The least they could do is give their employees more perks, but they don’t.
    Why is it that the companies who can afford to be good, don’t. The companies who need all the help they can get try to be good, but it ass-rapes them in the long run? Why can’t all companies just resolve to be more ethical and healthy in all of their practices – food, prices, employees, etc.
    Why is it so damned expensive to be healthy?


South Park
    South Park had an episode I watched a few weeks ago. Two of the kids get HIV and they try to find a cure. They go to Magic Johnson’s house and he says “well, I don’t know, kids. I don’t know why I don’t have AIDS yet. I just eat well and exercise every day and sleep with my loads and loads of money.”
    That’s right. Having money makes you healthy.
    Studies come out about drinking wine and alcohol and how it’s good for you, but is it? Poor people are more likely to drink shitty beer (not even wine) and indulge on it because their lives suck so much it’s all they can afford to get a respite from the shitty ass world. Rich people have the luxury and time and money to buy high quality wine, to sip it with their organic local grown free trade meals. After they are done eating they can go for a nice long walk, or go to the gym. Hell, they might even have a gym. Poor people work day and night, are lucky if they get enough sleep, and eat what they can get when they can get it.
    It’s not the wine that keeps you healthy, jackass. It’s the wine combined with a healthy lifestyle. It’s not the money that keeps you healthy, but the medical attention that money can buy.


In conclusion…
    Food prices keep on going up. The rich keep on getting richer, the poor keep on getting poorer. The rich keep on getting skinnier and more drastic, freaky plastic surgery, and the poor keep on getting fatter and looking like distorted images of themselves.
    Do I sound bitter? You bet I’m bitter! I’m a making huge, broad, over generalizations, you bet I am! But sometimes it takes stating a polemic to get people to open their eyes and think about the little things around them.
    The problem with this is that I have no solution. How does one fix this problem? I have no idea. But something, somewhere, has got to give…

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