feddiechick's Journal
Meditations on EveOct 08 2008 13:08
"After I pierced my tits they became much more alive. I just have to wiggle the steel bar and my nipples just pop up. We're going to wake up your belly today, give her a second life.
"I had my nipples pierced by a big hairy bearded lesbian. It was really hot. I kind of knew she was getting off to the power, with hurting me. Made it sexy. It was completley erotic. I gave her total control. Are you ready to start?"
~Eve Ensler, the Good Body, p 40
I had my nipples pierced a few years ago. It was because a boy made me feel fat and unsexy. I needed to do something wild to make me feel attractive and maybe just a bit naughty.
It really hurt, and I wouldn't do it again. I'm glad I did it, though. It was like my dirty little secret. It made me feel like I had something other people didn't have. Sure, I was a bit chubby, but hey, my nipples were peirced so that's hot, right? Body mods for the less-than bod.
I'm glad they're not pierced anymore. They're just the perfect sensitivity, and I have a scandalous story to tell people about myself. "At one time I had a dozen piercings," and they look at me, count my ears and my nose, and you can see that moment when their mind begins to wander. I'm pretty prude, actually, and a little bit frumpy, but I had that and I still have the memory.
It wasn't erotic, though, not at all. It was desperate and painful. I think about how young and hopeful I was, how yearning and eager. It almost makes me feel sorry for me. We always want something better, something more beautiful. I was probably beautiful and naughty and sexy before the nipple rings, but that silly boy made me forget about all of that.
I hope one day I can love myself, and forget that K said I was "perfect, but-" and that one kid told me I had a fat nose, and some other person said I have shoulders like a linebacker, and don't have a feminine figure at all. Why do we remember these little insults, the two or three over the years, but never bring to mind those words of love and affection that are told to us on a daily basis?
My husband always says "you're a beautiful woman," in a tone of voice he doesn't use for anything or anyone else. I need to remember that.
I deeply understand. All those negative comments make it so that it's hard to believe the positive ones when you hear them. But I've begun to learn that the negative comments tend to be people expressing their personal negativity and actually has very little to do with you. No one's perfect, but the only negative comments that tend to be true or worth listening to come in the form of constructive criticism from people who care and want to help you better yourself. And it might be juvenile of me, but I think it's pretty cool that you had nipple rings. I always wanted them but was too afraid to get them, and now I just feel to old to spend money on something like that. If you think about it, though, even though it started as something to make you feel better after a boy tore you down, it transitioned into being something else. It was you taking back sexy and naughty for yourself. It was YOUR little secret, and YOUR memory that you made and YOU grew and learned from it. Please try not to let people who don't matter live in your head. You ARE a beautiful, smart, self-aware woman and I really hope you can learn to love yourself and let all the negative voices go. |
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