freakyblonde88's Journal

Recovery realistic??
Sep 03 2009 17:57

I know we're supposed to stay positive and motivating on this site. But I've come to the point where I don't even believe that I can ever recover from ED's. And the stupid thing is I eat more now and binge like I NEVER used to now that I've lost the weigh I wanted to... 2years ago I weighed 20pounds more then I do now, and I only wanted to lose ten but have lost between 18-20... And I should be thrilled, but lately I've been binging on about 4000-7000 kcals everyday, to the point of pain in my stomach so bad that I can hardly stand, and of course that brings with it a purge. and that happens 1-3 or 4 times in a day.

I don't understand, I'm studying what I love, I live with the most wonderful guy who I've wanted to be with for over a year... Isn't an ED supposed to be a sign of something being wrong..? everything seems to be so right, except this ED.

And I want to find a therapist or something, but it's not like they're advertized everywhere, I don't have a GP, since I recently moved here. How has anyone else found someone to help them..?? I need someone to talk to/help me.

And I've decided that it's no longer my bf's problem, he's more lost then I am about this whole thing. So I don't wanna have to tell him anything about it ever again... And I'm starting to find it so embarressing.

So Happy!
Aug 01 2009 12:33

Tomorrow will be one week since my last binge/purge.. And this whole week I've managed to stay within/below my calorie intake expect one day, but it was only like 300kcals over, which compared to previous binges is nothing..!

My boyfriend and I went for a week's vacation and I decided no more purging once we get back, and I've managed to keep it! The thought of purging really grosses me out, after only a week and I really don't want to, and somehow I feel confident now that I can make it. On our vacation I gained 6lbs, and I freaked and felt so self-concious. I told my bf, and he said he hadn't even noticed, that I was being silly.. So yeah I'll always be concious about my weight, but why freak out over 100 extra calories or 1-2pounds gained...

And right back down...
Jul 19 2009 17:46

So I was hoping desperately to make it for a whole week without bingeing or purging. I made it four days and I was sooo happy and I felt so good, with a lot more energy so I was also able to exersize more then before, it was great.. And then BAM!!! One day I just collasped, and the last three days have been one huge BINGE/PURGE. So much for making it a week, I only made it 4 outta 7, which is only a bit better then half, and I'm so depressed about it. I'm turning 21 next Thursday, and I want my 21st year to be B/P free! There's nothing I want more! I just wish I knew how to make that a reality...

So far so good...
Jul 15 2009 16:35

My joy might be premature, but I'm going on my 4th day without bingeing or purging. For me this is huge. I used to binge/purge almost ever day. I'm going to visit my family with my boyfriend next week, And I was so worried I'd slip up there, and they'd find out I still have my ED, but if I can make it through this week, I'll be soo happy, I'll feel like I have hope.

How to ask for help...
Jul 10 2009 00:13

So yeah I came clean to my bf bout my ED, and he's so supportive.. But when he asks what he can do to help me, I dunno what to tell him because I honestly don't know what will help. I really wanna be able to tell him something, cause I know he wants me to be happy and healthy.

After I told him about it, I had some really good days I went 4 whole days without binging and that's good for me. But then somehow, it just went down. And I can't stop just with one or two cookies... I end up binging till I'm sure I'm so full I almost throw up naturally... I need help to stop.. So what can I tell him that would help me?

I finally did it.
Jun 13 2009 12:30

After living with my boyfriend for two months I finally told him about my ED. It's such a weight lifted off my shoulders, and I couldn't have asked for anyone to be more supportive then he has been. He's the only person I know that knows I still have an ED, but I think him knowing will help me towards recovery. So even though I am kinda irked and embarressed about it, I think It's for the best.

Any Comments welcome..
Jun 04 2009 23:39

So how quickly things can turn from my last post... I think I've like "permanently" expanded my stomach so I can't stop binging, which inevitably also means purging. I can't handle it anymore. But anyways, I live with my boyfriend now, but he doesn't know I still battle with and ED, I told him about it a couple months ago before we moved in together, and he was supportive and said he hoped I wouldn't do anything like "that" once I moved in with him. He really is the best guy in the world. But I feel like he deserves to know about my problem. I just don't know how to tell him. I feel so stupid and anyone I've told about my ED over the past 2 years never knew enough about it to take it very seriously.

So as I said comments welcome, "How can I tell my boyfriend about my ED??"

Better...
May 23 2009 12:47

So yeah it's been awhile since I posted anything in my journal, so I felt it was about time. After my last post I hit a major downward spiral and my ED was completely taking over no matter how I "tried" to fight it. But now, things are looking up, in every way in life, I just got a new job, I've moved in with my boyfriend, and I am able to have other things then food on my mind.

I'm really kinda happy, for the first time in a long time. I think(and hope) that I'm on a road to progress and recovery...

Hate myself...
Mar 26 2009 22:24

As my title "proclaims" I loathe myself, I hate the fact that I can't just have some self control, I let  myself go, and when I do control it I gain weigth anyways.. It's so damn hard! I hate how it controls my life. And anyone around me who knows a little bit of what I'm going through always says "well it's ok, let's not make it a big deal." But it is a freaking big deal!! It's the one major thing in my life. How can they say that's not big? It's killing me. Maybe in more ways then emotionally, I dunno. I just know it's driving me crazy. I can't handle it anymore.

I know people always say "you'll have bad days, but you bounce back". Well one bad day for me is the beginning of a vicious cycle. It's like I binge tonz, resolve to do better the next day, but it's like I've streched my stomach capacity or something. And the next day follows similarily unless I'm extremely lucky.

Makes me wanna die.

Why do I do this...?
Mar 12 2009 21:45

WTF! Gosh, it's like I conciously binge, I see the pounds packing on, and if one should judge from my actions, It's like I want them to. I start binging, and I mentally tell myself to stop and yet I keep looking for stuff to eat, and then I'll grab the stuff I normally would NEVER eat, but knowing that I'll purge I eat it anyways... I feel terribly distressed! I dunno what to do about it.. Maybe if I was poor and had no food..:-? but that's a terrible way to see it, and who wants to have that little self control.

I'll be able to keep my calories low for one day, but the next day I'll binge.. and so on and so on... I hate myself for doing this to myself!

I thought I'd get over it, I'm moving in with my bf in 3weeks, and he doesn't know that I still have this problem. And I don't wanna still have it. Not while I'm with him! (if that makes any sense) I just wanna be normal...